As a kid in school, adults really drilled 'stop, drop and roll' into my head, but they never taught me how to balance a check book. I've never once been on fire, but I've been in debt for years. Riddle me that, Batman.
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Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
I have the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.
Perkatory: The anguished, prolonged period spent waiting for a fresh pot of coffee to be ready.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase duct tape, a shovel, a tarp, and a rope and no one questions your motives.
20 years from now, you might see a commercial that says, "Have you ever been offended by Facebook? If so, you might be entitled to financial compensation."
Me: I wasn't even that drunk!
Friend: You threw a mushroom at a kid and yelled, "Grow, Mario, grow!"
The most expensive vehicle to operate, by far, is the Costco shopping cart.
My wife asked me if I knew what her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was the wrong answer.
Do you know why skeletons are so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
What do you call a Marine with an Iq of 160? A platoon!
If your eyes hurt when you drink coffee, you forgot to take the spoon out of the cup first.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid instead of the Food Triangle implies that there are at least two other sides to it. Maybe chocolate and peanut butter cups are at the base of one of them.
Waffles are just pancakes that are ribbed for your pleasure.
Tattoos should make you more employable since it shows that you can sit still while someone jams tiny needles into your skin over and over, and that is basically every day at work.
If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth person enjoy it?
So, does Lightning Mcqueen buy life insurance or car insurance?
Teacher: Why do humans have different blood types?
Me: So vampires can enjoy different flavors.
Son: Dad, I want to get married.
Dad: Say 'Sorry'.
Son: For what?
Dad: You first say Sorry.
Son: But what did I do?
Dad: You first say Sorry.
Son: At least tell me the reason!
Dad: Say Sorry first!
Son: Ok dad! I'm sorry!
Dad: Now you are ready for marriage, son. Your training is complete. You have learned to say Sorry without any reason.
What do you call a person who immigrates to Sweden?
Artificial Swedener.
I bought a dog once, and I named him 'Stay'.
"Come here, Stay."
He's insane now.
I used to get frustrated at people talking in the movie theater until I realized how entertaining it was to bring a squirt gun along with me and then pretend to sneeze.
You can tell that Monopoly is an old game because there is a Luxury Tax, and rich people can go to jail.
I've started investing in stocks: Beef, chicken and vegetable. One day I hope to be a boulionare.
Me: What's in the fancy beer mug on the mantle?
Friend: That's the remains of my Uncle Frank. Its where he wanted his ashes kept. It was his favorite beer stein, and he said it would be funny. I never understood why.
Me: Maybe so he could be Frank in Stein?
Friend: Son of a bitch! -
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