The average person only has two addresses memorized:
Their home address, and -
P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sidney
Their home address, and -
P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sidney
-
What do you call a turtle wearing a chef's hat?
A slow cooker! Ha!
I hate it when people take my glasses and say, "Hey, your eyesight is terrible!" What do you do when you see someone in a wheelchair? Kick them out of it, sit down and say, "Hey, your legs don't work!"
If you refuse to take a nap, is that resisting a rest?
I don't understand how people get eaten by sharks. I mean, can't they hear the scary music?
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge with a note saying, "Don't eat me!"
Now there is an empty plate in the fridge with a note saying, "Don't tell me what to do!"
School Assignment:
Teacher: Give me a sentence with the words Defeat, Detail and Defense.
Student: When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes over before detail.
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
Did you know that before the invention of the crowbar, crows had to do all their drinking at home.
You can't call yourself a parent until you have given your kids the finger behind their back while silently mouthing "You little f***er."
Before I became a parent, I swore that my kids would never have a temper tantrum in public. Lets all take a moment to laugh about this.
Therapist: Look, I need you to calm down.
Me: *banging fists on the table* BUT HOW CAN IT BE BIRTHDAY CAKE FLAVOR WHEN A BIRTHDAY CAKE CAN BE ANY FLAVOR?!?
I am a 47 year old man and never, ever have I noticed if a woman's thighs touch. I'm more like, "Hey! A woman! I like those!"
I don't know why I don't buy a bunch of pinatas. I'm in the mood to beat the crap out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
Don't forget to drink water and get some sun. We are basically houseplants with complicated emotions.
I wonder how many mosquitoes are dealing with Meth addiction right now.
If Tuesday were a movie, it would be called Monday Part 2: Shit Just Got Monday-er!
If a cyclops closes its eye, is it a wink or a blink?
What do you call an exploding monkey? A Baboom!
I hate mosquitoes. I mean, I know that I'm delicious, but I don't give out free samples.
Cleaning the house while the kids are home is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
Just remember, you can't fix stupid, but you can numb it with a 2 x 4.
A police officer came to my house and asked me where I was between five and six. I said Kindergarten.
You have to be pretty odd to be number one.
What kind of math do birds like? Owlgebra! Ha! -
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