Is it considered rude to toss a Xanax into someone's mouth as they are talking to you?
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In the event of a natural disaster, put raw meat in your pockets so that the search dogs will have something to track you down by.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
Ever wonder why ice water tastes better than regular water? Ice is water; water is water. So, when you put them together, its like double water. Thank you, science!
*Murderer chasing me around the house* Me: ALEXA! PLAY THE SCOOBY DOO THEME SONG!
I told myself that I should stop drinking, but then I realize I am taking advice from a drunk that talks to himself and I take another swig.
Remember when high school math teachers told us that we wouldn't have a calculator everywhere we go? Well, our smart phones showed those suckers, didn't they?
Sometimes my mind wanders off to a special place where I'm allowed to punch people in the throat, and there are cute kitties and free cupcakes with chocolate frosting there.
Your jokes are amazing but I have to ask: Are you, like, high/drunk 100% of the time or is it just late night posting syndrome.
Can I like-spam you? Your jokes deserve it.
Keep being you sir, I tip my hat/hood/ and or salute you.
If I were a plastic surgeon, I would 100% put a squeaky toy in every breast implant.
Potatoes make French Fries, Vodka and Chips. Its like the other vegetables aren't even trying.
If the inventor of the Walkie Talkie named everything:
Stamps: Lickie Stickie
Defibulators: Hearty Starty
Bumble Bees: Fuzzy Buzzy
Pregnancy Tests: Maybe Baby
Bra: Breastie Nesty
Fork: Stabby Grabby
Socks: Feetie Heatie
Hippo: Floaty Bloaty
Nightmares: Screamy Dreamy
Oh hey, this is the first time I've actually looked at your profile cover
...I like
I am so sick of these double standards. Burn a body in a mortuary, and you're doing your job. Burn one in a house, and you are destroying evidence.
People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. Its called arson, and those people are witnesses.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and after a few days it gets all brown and wilty? Cookies don't do that.
If you're happy and you know it, share your meds!
The early bird can have the worm, because worms are gross and mornings are stupid.
In alcohol's defense, I've done some pretty stupid things while sober, too.
Remember, if you lose a sock in the drier, it becomes a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
Just remember, every bad thing that happened today was a DIRECT RESULT of getting out of bed.
My mother didn't raise me to be a fool; a psychotic, messed up, sarcastic pain in the ass, but not a fool.
If a prostitute gets pregnant, does that count as a work-related accident? -
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