I refused to believe that my road-worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
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If zombies ever attack, go to Cosco. They have years of food and concrete walls, and the zombies can't get in without a membership card.
Break the laws of man, you go to jail. Break the laws of physics, you go to Sweeden and get a Nobel Prize.
I'm not saying kill all the stupid people. Just remove the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.
Next time someone gives you crap about a pile of clothes on the floor, just tell them its the remains of a dead Jedi.
I'd like to thank my middle finger for always being there for me whenever I needed it most.
No jokes this time. Just wising everyone a safe and happy new year.
The game hangman is great because it teaches you that if you say the wrong things, you could end someone’s life.
People who fall asleep quickly freak me out. I mean, don't they have thoughts?
Daydreaming is just your brain writing fanfiction about you.
Mom always told me that alcohol was the enemy. Jesus told us to love our enemy. Problem solved.
The best things in life start with the letter S. Sleep, Sex, Sprinkles, Scupcakes, Spizza. See? Proof positive.
My wife gets upset when I hide the kitchen utensils. But that is a whisk I am willing to take.
Dear chocolate commercials. Normal people do not eat tiny bites of candy with their eyes closed in orgasmic bliss. They cram it in and chew
If I illegally download a movie in Jamaica, does that make me a Pirate of the Caribbean?
Murdering someone on an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
I had the urge to clean the house today, but I was able to lie down and nap it off. I feel much better now.
If a homeschool mom is talking to herself, is she crazy or is it a parent/teacher conference?
Did you ever notice that the '&' symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt on the ground or is it just me?
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is my favorite holiday song about how people are assholes until they need something from you.
If going poop is 'answering natures call', does that mean a fart is a dropped call?
Me [sobbing]: I can't see you anymore. I won't let you hurt me again. Trainer: it was a sit up. You did a single sit up.
Money may not buy happiness, but I think its only fair for me to have some extra so I can try and learn that lesson on my own.
Rhinos are just fat unicorns. If we were nicer to them, they might reveal their special magical powers!
Child: Can I sleep with you? I'm scared. Me: No, I don't want the monster in your room to follow you in here and get me, too. -
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