Heard in the news that Sean Connery has passed away. Now I have to do a marathon viewing party of his James Bond films.
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I put my phone on airplane mode and threw it into the air.
Nothing happened.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
If every day is a gift, then today was an ugly sweater.
Why are all the ghosts in haunted houses from something like the 1700's? Why not a modern ghost that sings "Baby Shark!"?
Do you ever get strange bursts of motivation to clean your room, write a novel, or paint a masterpiece at three am? That's the Meth talking.
If you are going to argue on the phone in public, please put it on speaker so I can tell which side of the fight I am on.
Personally, I think that Romeo and Juliet could have handled the situation a bit differently.
I have decided to leave my past behind me. So, if I owe you money, I'm sorry, but I've moved on.
What do people who are not married do when they feel like irritating someone for no real reason?
Being called a liar when you are telling the truth is one of the most frustrating things in the world.
I like to put my iPod on shuffle, but I get frustrated when it doesn't play the songs I want.
Do you ever get the feeling that your brain is smart but your mouth is stupid? I mean, you have dozens of great ideas and thoughts you wish to convey, but getting them out of your stupid mouth is just impossible? Yeah, me too.
Do babies named Karen actually exist, or do they suddenly appear one day with three kids asking to speak with the manager?
Don't believe cartoons.
No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger at someone, it will not stick to their face. Don't ask me how I know this.
I want to place a curse on all of my enemies.
Every time they change the radio station, it plays the last few notes of their favorite song and is then replaced by a Justin Bieber one.
I have made a point in not getting into politics here, but I will beak my self imposed rule just enough to say that the US elections are coming up, so whichever candidates you support, go out and vote! You have no right to gripe about the results if you don't even cast a ballot. So perform your civic duty and vote.
Now we go back to our regularly scheduled puns.
I have figured out why some people find my cheesy puns and jokes no good.
They are laughtose intolerant.
why did the laptop get glasses?
To improve its web sight.
Why did Santa go to college for music?
To improve his wrapping skills.
What do you call a ghost's mom and dad?
Transparents!
Interviewer: How good are you at PowerPoint?
Me: I Excell at it.
Interviewer: Was that a Microsoft Office pun?
Me: Word.
Interviewer: You're hired.
What does Batman like in his drinks?
Just Ice.
Do you know what a mermaid wears to math class?
An algae-bra! Ha!
My bed is a magical place that helps me remember all the things that I was supposed to do during the day that I forgot.
Tomorrow is national 'Slap Your Annoying Co-worker Day'. If you don't know who that is, I'd suggest you call in sick. -
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