Scattered Ambitions
4,000 club
So, I'm working on a novel right now. I've only finished the first chapter and am part way into the second one, and it is a first/rough draft, but before I get too far into the process, I would like some honest feedback. If the beginning drags on and on, please tell me. If the main character isn't believable, please tell me. If my, oh, I don't know, foreshadowing is too obvious, tell me. Anyway, here is what I have so far!
EDIT: Please don't correct spelling or grammar. I'm going to go back and edit for grammar/spelling once I finish this second chapter and I have made my revisions.
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Chapter I[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Get ‘im! He ran down there!” I stood next to the lockers at the end of the hall. Ryan Jimenez and his toadies skidded down the hallway past me. I sucked in my breath, hoping he wouldn't hear me. Of course, he did. He spun to face me. “Hey...dweeb” I could practically see the gears turning in his head. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Yeah Ryan, what an original insult.” His face turned red, and I ran. As I rounded the corner, however, I came face to face with the rest of his posse. Liam, Ethan, Noah, and Aiden. All of them were much dumber than they were big. And they were the biggest kids in school. And they all took personal pleasure in making me suffer. For what, I never was sure. They chased me down the hallway, right to the bathroom. I knew what was coming. This had happened so many times. They were going to get me into one of the stalls. Then they might hit me if they wanted, but one of them would inevitably push my head into the toilet. Then Ryan would flush it. Liam, Ryan’s second in command, would hold my head under. Then they’d all walk away like nothing happened. That’s how it always went. Today, before they gave me the “treatment”, as they called it, they might even take my lunch money, just to mix things up a bit. Yeah, I know. Cliche, huh? But it’s true. I have lunch money. My parents love me, but no one has time in the morning to make me a lunch. But back to the present. I sighed. Since I already knew what was going to happen, I decided that today would be the day to not fight. I stepped backward into the bathroom. “Just get it over with..” I said, hoping they might actually listen. But alas, that was not the case. It did happen fast, though. One moment I was standing, the next I was on my knees in front of the toilet. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Here Kori, enjoy your drink!” Ryan was about to push my head into the bowl when the toilet...well, the best way I can describe it is throwing up. Everything came out. The water shot up and hit the ceiling. Then, once the everything had come back down and hit everyone in the stall, something else popped up. It was a little man. He had a long, bulbous nose and no hair on the top of his wrinkly head. He looked to be about the angriest person I had ever seen until he spotted Ryan. He shouted something in a strange, Germanic language, then grabbed Ryan and pulled him into the toilet. All the water on the ground was sucked in after them. Liam stared at me, obviously trying the figure out what had just happened. Now, I most definitely was smarter than Liam or Ethan or Noah or Aiden or even all of them put together. I wasn't a prodigy or anything, but I did fairly well in school. But even with all my smarts, I couldn't tell you what just happened. Liam’s mind finally settled on me as the only possible answer.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“What did you do, you dirty little rat…” The rest of the group joined in. From Ethan, it was “Just wait till we get out of school.” Aiden’s addition to the conversation was “You’re dead…” And finally, the one everyone had been waiting on, Noah. He simply mumbled something under his breath. I could pick out the words kill, you, and later. I had a bad feeling about what that meant for me. So, I hightailed it out of there. I might as well save the beating I was sure to get for later. Anyway, I was late for science. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Chapter II[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]The rest of the day went mostly as planned. I did have to eat lunch in the janitor's closet to avoid Liam, and math, as always, was difficult, but I got home all in one piece. I ended up running the last block, however, because Aiden found me and completely planned on delivering on his earlier statement. All that was put out of my mind as soon as I walked through the door. My family was going on a trip to Florida! White sand beaches, cloudless blue skies, and no Liam or Noah or anyone to bother me. No one except my sister, but I could deal with her. I sat down on the couch, ready to watch some T.V. until we left, which was hopefully soon. That was when my mother walked up to me, obviously elated. My father trailed behind her, considerably less so. She sat down on the couch next to me. “Honey...we have something to tell you.” Despite her morbid tone, I could tell she was excited. “Mother, this wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with the tri-” [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Actually it does. Your sister convinced us to finally go on that trip to Germany we’ve had planned all these years! Isn’t it exciting?” She burst out, her smile growing wider by the minute.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Of course Mother, extremely exciting.” I forced the words out and slumped back. It was not exciting. Not in the least. I had so been looking forward to the warmth of Florida. But Germany was the last place I wanted to go, especially with it being the middle of winter and all. But once my mother set her mind to something, there was no swaying her. So, we were going to Germany. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]I was still going to watch T.V. I’d just do it much more defiantly this time. My sister smirked at me from across the room, where she was helping to pack. “Oh, I just love Germany, Mother. The rustic castles, the Cologne Carnival, the ice. I’m sure Kori will love it too, won’t you Kori?”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Yes,” I mumbled under my breath, just loud enough for her to hear. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I did like castles, that was for sure. There’s just something so...majestic about an old castle. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Kori!” My sister called to me again. “We’re leaving in half an hour, so you’d better be ready.” I sighed, stood up, and looked over at my father. He was hunched over and grumbling to himself. It was very clear he didn’t want to go. I’m sure he didn’t have much say in the decision. I trudged up the stairs and started packing. I had packed last night, but all those clothes were for Florida. So I pulled everything out and started over.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Soon everything was packed, and we were out the door. We took a taxi to the airport. My mother chattered the whole ride about how excited she was. We went through the airport relatively quickly, except for one mishap in the metal detector. My sister had something in her pockets, and it took them a whole 15 minutes to pat her down. I had a strong feeling she did it to inconvenience the whole family and make the trip worse than it was already. That’s just the way she is. The trip after that went smoothly. We got on the airplane, and while there was a bit of turbulence along the way, nothing else happened until after we touched down. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Chapter III[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]The moment the wheels hit German soil, something felt...well, off. I couldn’t quite describe it at the time. I started getting headaches periodically throughout the first week of our stay. I almost never get headaches. I had the strangest dreams, mainly about a man with fire for hair and his wife, whose hair was made of gold. The man wielded a large and heavy hammer. In fact, it seemed no one else could even lift it. The other man featured in my dreams was a large man with long gray hair and an eye patch. The dreams about him varied in content, but there was one constant throughout them all: two ravens. Both of them seemed to stare directly at me. It was quite eerie, all in all. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]The first part of the trip, headaches, and strange dreams aside was actually very nice. We stayed in two castles on the way. On the third day, my mother decided to vary from the plan. We were supposed to stay in a hotel in Berlin that night, but she had spotted a lakeside resort on one of the pamphlets in the lobby of the castle. A lakeside anything would be nice, in the summer. Not during the 30-degree winter we were currently in. But, as I’ve stated before, once my mother sets her mind to something, she cannot be swayed. So we took our little rental Mercedes-Benz, bought some snow chains, and set off into the Bavarian mountains. The higher we went into the mountains, the more treacherous the path became. The road was increasingly thin and windy, and I remember the car almost driving straight over the edge.[/SIZE]
[SIZE= 14.6667px]It was dark and very, very snowy when we arrived at Lake Riesenauge. I had no idea what it meant. Back in Berlin, most things were written in German and English. No such luck up here. The cabins were small, made of dark wood, and brightly lit. There looked to be about 21 or 22. 11 of them were illuminated. Wow. I couldn’t belive 11 other families had had the same idea as us. I felt bad for the 11 other kids that had been dragged up here. The cabins themselves looked quite small on the outside, but there was one quite interesting feature. Each cabin had it’s own distinct symbol. One had a very old looking hammer. Another had a sword and shield. The one my family chose had a raven. I looked across the lake at the cabin across from ours. It also had a raven. I didn’t think much of it then. We were exhausted, as we had been driving all day so we hurried in. The cabins, despite how small they looked on the outside, were actually quite large and could sleep six or seven comfortably. That meant I wouldn't have to sleep next to my sister. I silently thanked whatever force was looking out for me on this trip, even if it had just started taking care of me. I certainly hadn’t received any supernatural assistance back home. But it [/SIZE][SIZE= 14.6667px]was[/SIZE][SIZE= 14.6667px] helping me now, and I wasn't going to take it for granted.[/SIZE]
EDIT: Please don't correct spelling or grammar. I'm going to go back and edit for grammar/spelling once I finish this second chapter and I have made my revisions.
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Chapter I[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Get ‘im! He ran down there!” I stood next to the lockers at the end of the hall. Ryan Jimenez and his toadies skidded down the hallway past me. I sucked in my breath, hoping he wouldn't hear me. Of course, he did. He spun to face me. “Hey...dweeb” I could practically see the gears turning in his head. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Yeah Ryan, what an original insult.” His face turned red, and I ran. As I rounded the corner, however, I came face to face with the rest of his posse. Liam, Ethan, Noah, and Aiden. All of them were much dumber than they were big. And they were the biggest kids in school. And they all took personal pleasure in making me suffer. For what, I never was sure. They chased me down the hallway, right to the bathroom. I knew what was coming. This had happened so many times. They were going to get me into one of the stalls. Then they might hit me if they wanted, but one of them would inevitably push my head into the toilet. Then Ryan would flush it. Liam, Ryan’s second in command, would hold my head under. Then they’d all walk away like nothing happened. That’s how it always went. Today, before they gave me the “treatment”, as they called it, they might even take my lunch money, just to mix things up a bit. Yeah, I know. Cliche, huh? But it’s true. I have lunch money. My parents love me, but no one has time in the morning to make me a lunch. But back to the present. I sighed. Since I already knew what was going to happen, I decided that today would be the day to not fight. I stepped backward into the bathroom. “Just get it over with..” I said, hoping they might actually listen. But alas, that was not the case. It did happen fast, though. One moment I was standing, the next I was on my knees in front of the toilet. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Here Kori, enjoy your drink!” Ryan was about to push my head into the bowl when the toilet...well, the best way I can describe it is throwing up. Everything came out. The water shot up and hit the ceiling. Then, once the everything had come back down and hit everyone in the stall, something else popped up. It was a little man. He had a long, bulbous nose and no hair on the top of his wrinkly head. He looked to be about the angriest person I had ever seen until he spotted Ryan. He shouted something in a strange, Germanic language, then grabbed Ryan and pulled him into the toilet. All the water on the ground was sucked in after them. Liam stared at me, obviously trying the figure out what had just happened. Now, I most definitely was smarter than Liam or Ethan or Noah or Aiden or even all of them put together. I wasn't a prodigy or anything, but I did fairly well in school. But even with all my smarts, I couldn't tell you what just happened. Liam’s mind finally settled on me as the only possible answer.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“What did you do, you dirty little rat…” The rest of the group joined in. From Ethan, it was “Just wait till we get out of school.” Aiden’s addition to the conversation was “You’re dead…” And finally, the one everyone had been waiting on, Noah. He simply mumbled something under his breath. I could pick out the words kill, you, and later. I had a bad feeling about what that meant for me. So, I hightailed it out of there. I might as well save the beating I was sure to get for later. Anyway, I was late for science. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Chapter II[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]The rest of the day went mostly as planned. I did have to eat lunch in the janitor's closet to avoid Liam, and math, as always, was difficult, but I got home all in one piece. I ended up running the last block, however, because Aiden found me and completely planned on delivering on his earlier statement. All that was put out of my mind as soon as I walked through the door. My family was going on a trip to Florida! White sand beaches, cloudless blue skies, and no Liam or Noah or anyone to bother me. No one except my sister, but I could deal with her. I sat down on the couch, ready to watch some T.V. until we left, which was hopefully soon. That was when my mother walked up to me, obviously elated. My father trailed behind her, considerably less so. She sat down on the couch next to me. “Honey...we have something to tell you.” Despite her morbid tone, I could tell she was excited. “Mother, this wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with the tri-” [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Actually it does. Your sister convinced us to finally go on that trip to Germany we’ve had planned all these years! Isn’t it exciting?” She burst out, her smile growing wider by the minute.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Of course Mother, extremely exciting.” I forced the words out and slumped back. It was not exciting. Not in the least. I had so been looking forward to the warmth of Florida. But Germany was the last place I wanted to go, especially with it being the middle of winter and all. But once my mother set her mind to something, there was no swaying her. So, we were going to Germany. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]I was still going to watch T.V. I’d just do it much more defiantly this time. My sister smirked at me from across the room, where she was helping to pack. “Oh, I just love Germany, Mother. The rustic castles, the Cologne Carnival, the ice. I’m sure Kori will love it too, won’t you Kori?”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Yes,” I mumbled under my breath, just loud enough for her to hear. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I did like castles, that was for sure. There’s just something so...majestic about an old castle. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Kori!” My sister called to me again. “We’re leaving in half an hour, so you’d better be ready.” I sighed, stood up, and looked over at my father. He was hunched over and grumbling to himself. It was very clear he didn’t want to go. I’m sure he didn’t have much say in the decision. I trudged up the stairs and started packing. I had packed last night, but all those clothes were for Florida. So I pulled everything out and started over.[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Soon everything was packed, and we were out the door. We took a taxi to the airport. My mother chattered the whole ride about how excited she was. We went through the airport relatively quickly, except for one mishap in the metal detector. My sister had something in her pockets, and it took them a whole 15 minutes to pat her down. I had a strong feeling she did it to inconvenience the whole family and make the trip worse than it was already. That’s just the way she is. The trip after that went smoothly. We got on the airplane, and while there was a bit of turbulence along the way, nothing else happened until after we touched down. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Chapter III[/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]The moment the wheels hit German soil, something felt...well, off. I couldn’t quite describe it at the time. I started getting headaches periodically throughout the first week of our stay. I almost never get headaches. I had the strangest dreams, mainly about a man with fire for hair and his wife, whose hair was made of gold. The man wielded a large and heavy hammer. In fact, it seemed no one else could even lift it. The other man featured in my dreams was a large man with long gray hair and an eye patch. The dreams about him varied in content, but there was one constant throughout them all: two ravens. Both of them seemed to stare directly at me. It was quite eerie, all in all. [/SIZE]
[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]The first part of the trip, headaches, and strange dreams aside was actually very nice. We stayed in two castles on the way. On the third day, my mother decided to vary from the plan. We were supposed to stay in a hotel in Berlin that night, but she had spotted a lakeside resort on one of the pamphlets in the lobby of the castle. A lakeside anything would be nice, in the summer. Not during the 30-degree winter we were currently in. But, as I’ve stated before, once my mother sets her mind to something, she cannot be swayed. So we took our little rental Mercedes-Benz, bought some snow chains, and set off into the Bavarian mountains. The higher we went into the mountains, the more treacherous the path became. The road was increasingly thin and windy, and I remember the car almost driving straight over the edge.[/SIZE]
[SIZE= 14.6667px]It was dark and very, very snowy when we arrived at Lake Riesenauge. I had no idea what it meant. Back in Berlin, most things were written in German and English. No such luck up here. The cabins were small, made of dark wood, and brightly lit. There looked to be about 21 or 22. 11 of them were illuminated. Wow. I couldn’t belive 11 other families had had the same idea as us. I felt bad for the 11 other kids that had been dragged up here. The cabins themselves looked quite small on the outside, but there was one quite interesting feature. Each cabin had it’s own distinct symbol. One had a very old looking hammer. Another had a sword and shield. The one my family chose had a raven. I looked across the lake at the cabin across from ours. It also had a raven. I didn’t think much of it then. We were exhausted, as we had been driving all day so we hurried in. The cabins, despite how small they looked on the outside, were actually quite large and could sleep six or seven comfortably. That meant I wouldn't have to sleep next to my sister. I silently thanked whatever force was looking out for me on this trip, even if it had just started taking care of me. I certainly hadn’t received any supernatural assistance back home. But it [/SIZE][SIZE= 14.6667px]was[/SIZE][SIZE= 14.6667px] helping me now, and I wasn't going to take it for granted.[/SIZE]
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