Yimr's Eye

[Scattered Ambitions]

So, I'm working on a novel right now. I've only finished the first chapter and am part way into the second one, and it is a first/rough draft, but before I get too far into the process, I would like some honest feedback. If the beginning drags on and on, please tell me. If the main character isn't believable, please tell me. If my, oh, I don't know, foreshadowing is too obvious, tell me. Anyway, here is what I have so far!


EDIT: Please don't correct spelling or grammar. I'm going to go back and edit for grammar/spelling once I finish this second chapter and I have made my revisions.


[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Chapter I[/SIZE]


[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Get ‘im! He ran down there!” I stood next to the lockers at the end of the hall. Ryan Jimenez and his toadies skidded down the hallway past me. I sucked in my breath, hoping he wouldn't hear me. Of course, he did. He spun to face me. “Hey...dweeb” I could practically see the gears turning in his head. [/SIZE]


 


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Yeah Ryan, what an original insult.” His face turned red, and I ran. As I rounded the corner, however, I came face to face with the rest of his posse. Liam, Ethan, Noah, and Aiden. All of them were much dumber than they were big. And they were the biggest kids in school. And they all took personal pleasure in making me suffer. For what, I never was sure. They chased me down the hallway, right to the bathroom. I knew what was coming. This had happened so many times. They were going to get me into one of the stalls. Then they might hit me if they wanted, but one of them would inevitably push my head into the toilet. Then Ryan would flush it. Liam, Ryan’s second in command, would hold my head under. Then they’d all walk away like nothing happened. That’s how it always went. Today, before they gave me the “treatment”, as they called it, they might even take my lunch money, just to mix things up a bit. Yeah, I know. Cliche, huh? But it’s true. I have lunch money. My parents love me, but no one has time in the morning to make me a lunch. But back to the present. I sighed. Since I already knew what was going to happen, I decided that today would be the day to not fight. I stepped backward into the bathroom. “Just get it over with..” I said, hoping they might actually listen. But alas, that was not the case. It did happen fast, though. One moment I was standing, the next I was on my knees in front of the toilet. [/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Here Kori, enjoy your drink!” Ryan was about to push my head into the bowl when the toilet...well, the best way I can describe it is throwing up. Everything came out. The water shot up and hit the ceiling. Then, once the everything had come back down and hit everyone in the stall, something else popped up. It was a little man. He had a long, bulbous nose and no hair on the top of his wrinkly head. He looked to be about the angriest person I had ever seen until he spotted Ryan. He shouted something in a strange, Germanic language, then grabbed Ryan and pulled him into the toilet. All the water on the ground was sucked in after them. Liam stared at me, obviously trying the figure out what had just happened. Now, I most definitely was smarter than Liam or Ethan or Noah or Aiden or even all of them put together. I wasn't a prodigy or anything, but I did fairly well in school.  But even with all my smarts, I couldn't tell you what just happened. Liam’s mind finally settled on me as the only possible answer.[/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“What did you do, you dirty little rat…” The rest of the group joined in. From Ethan, it was “Just wait till we get out of school.” Aiden’s addition to the conversation was “You’re dead…” And finally, the one everyone had been waiting on, Noah. He simply mumbled something under his breath. I could pick out the words kill, you, and later. I had a bad feeling about what that meant for me. So, I hightailed it out of there. I might as well save the beating I was sure to get for later. Anyway, I was late for science. [/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Chapter II[/SIZE]


[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]The rest of the day went mostly as planned. I did have to eat lunch in the janitor's closet to avoid Liam, and math, as always, was difficult, but I got home all in one piece. I ended up running the last block, however, because Aiden found me and completely planned on delivering on his earlier statement. All that was put out of my mind as soon as I walked through the door. My family was going on a trip to Florida! White sand beaches, cloudless blue skies, and no Liam or Noah or anyone to bother me. No one except my sister, but I could deal with her. I sat down on the couch, ready to watch some T.V. until we left, which was hopefully soon. That was when my mother walked up to me, obviously elated. My father trailed behind her, considerably less so. She sat down on the couch next to me. “Honey...we have something to tell you.” Despite her morbid tone, I could tell she was excited. “Mother, this wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with the tri-” [/SIZE]


 


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Actually it does. Your sister convinced us to finally go on that trip to Germany we’ve had planned all these years! Isn’t it exciting?” She burst out, her smile growing wider by the minute.[/SIZE]


 


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Of course Mother, extremely exciting.” I forced the words out and slumped back. It was not exciting. Not in the least. I had so been looking forward to the warmth of Florida. But Germany was the last place I wanted to go, especially with it being the middle of winter and all. But once my mother set her mind to something, there was no swaying her. So, we were going to Germany. [/SIZE]


 


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]I was still going to watch T.V. I’d just do it much more defiantly this time. My sister smirked at me from across the room, where she was helping to pack. “Oh, I just love Germany, Mother. The rustic castles, the Cologne Carnival, the ice. I’m sure Kori will love it too, won’t you Kori?”[/SIZE]


 


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Yes,” I mumbled under my breath, just loud enough for her to hear. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I did like castles, that was for sure. There’s just something so...majestic about an old castle. [/SIZE]


 


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Kori!” My sister called to me again. “We’re leaving in half an hour, so you’d better be ready.” I sighed, stood up, and looked over at my father. He was hunched over and grumbling to himself. It was very clear he didn’t want to go. I’m sure he didn’t have much say in the decision. I trudged up the stairs and started packing. I had packed last night, but all those clothes were for Florida. So I pulled everything out and started over.[/SIZE]


 


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Soon everything was packed, and we were out the door. We took a taxi to the airport. My mother chattered the whole ride about how excited she was. We went through the airport relatively quickly, except for one mishap in the metal detector. My sister had something in her pockets, and it took them a whole 15 minutes to pat her down. I had a strong feeling she did it to inconvenience the whole family and make the trip worse than it was already. That’s just the way she is. The trip after that went smoothly. We got on the airplane, and while there was a bit of turbulence along the way, nothing else happened until after we touched down. [/SIZE]


 


 


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Chapter III[/SIZE]


[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]The moment the wheels hit German soil, something felt...well, off. I couldn’t quite describe it at the time. I started getting headaches periodically throughout  the first week of our stay. I almost never get headaches. I had the strangest dreams, mainly about a man with fire for hair and his wife, whose hair was made of gold. The man wielded a large and heavy hammer. In fact, it seemed no one else could even lift it. The other man featured in my dreams was a large man with long gray hair and an eye patch. The dreams about him varied in content, but there was one constant throughout them all: two ravens. Both of them seemed to stare directly at me. It was quite eerie, all in all. [/SIZE]


 


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]The first part of the trip, headaches, and strange dreams aside was actually very nice. We stayed in two castles on the way. On the third day, my mother decided to vary from the plan. We were supposed to stay in a hotel in Berlin that night, but she had spotted a lakeside resort on one of the pamphlets in the lobby of the castle. A lakeside anything would be nice, in the summer. Not during the 30-degree winter we were currently in. But, as I’ve stated before, once my mother sets her mind to something, she cannot be swayed. So we took our little rental Mercedes-Benz, bought some snow chains, and set off into the Bavarian mountains. The higher we went into the mountains, the more treacherous the path became. The road was increasingly thin and windy, and I remember the car almost driving straight over the edge.[/SIZE]


 

[SIZE= 14.6667px]It was dark and very, very snowy when we arrived at Lake Riesenauge. I had no idea what it meant. Back in Berlin, most things were written in German and English. No such luck up here. The cabins were small, made of dark wood, and brightly lit. There looked to be about 21 or 22. 11 of them were illuminated. Wow. I couldn’t belive 11 other families had had the same idea as us. I felt bad for the 11 other kids that had been dragged up here. The cabins themselves looked quite small on the outside, but there was one quite interesting feature. Each cabin had it’s own distinct symbol. One had a very old looking hammer. Another had a sword and shield. The one my family chose had a raven. I looked across the lake at the cabin across from ours. It also had a raven. I didn’t think much of it then. We were exhausted, as we had been driving all day so we hurried in. The cabins, despite how small they looked on the outside, were actually quite large and could sleep six or seven comfortably. That meant I wouldn't have to sleep next to my sister. I silently thanked whatever force was looking out for me on this trip, even if it had just started taking care of me. I certainly hadn’t received any supernatural assistance back home. But it [/SIZE][SIZE= 14.6667px]was[/SIZE][SIZE= 14.6667px] helping me now, and I wasn't going to take it for granted.[/SIZE]
​

 

[Scattered Ambitions]

And please, everyone, sandwich your comments. Please give me a compliment or comment something that worked and something you didn't like, not just one. This just makes my life, as a writer, much easier.

 

[Unknown1]

Alright! Well done on seeing into the minds of the bullies in a way that fit them, and seeing through her eyes how cliche it was sometimes not having any cliche's at all make a story unrealistic, because its not that those cliche's do not exist in life. It has a light hearted element to it.  I like how smooth it is, it moves from one moment to another and i can sense a fantasy element that will later be employed. Some foreshadowing, possible theme of man vs man or man vs fantasy? I like the empathetic connection you have with the characters, that allows you to write well conversations that makes sense. 


what you could improve on though is in some/more moments zoom in, describe in detail, such as imagery(includes the 5 senses)( something noted by the character or detailed moment). You don't have to do it all the time but it helps the reader feel what is happening when done at the right moments, however one should not zoom in on everything it is good to keep an eye out for when to zoom out and when to zoom in. (out being general). Maybe describe more themes such as passing by the castles how that had made them feel, the air, show how things (such as passing by castles) attributes to their general emotions of not wanting to be in germany or the different themes in your story! (subtle way of course)


Hoping this was helpful! If you need examples of anything i was speaking of let me know.  


@Scattered Ambitions

 

[Scattered Ambitions]

Thank you! It's good to hear what worked. I'll add a bit of description of their stay in the castles, and will definitely employ imagery description as I get more into the story.


Also, good guess. It's more man v.s. supernatural/man v.s. god/fate. Again, thank you. This really helps. 

 

[Scattered Ambitions]

@Unknown1

 

[Scattered Ambitions]

Here is the updated version of chapters 1 2 and 3. Chapter 4 is currently being written. I've gone back and revised some of the words because they didn't fit, adjusted cabin numbers, and made it so that it was more obvious Corey is a guy, by changing how I spell his name.


[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Chapter I[/SIZE]


[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Get ‘im! He ran down there!” I stood next to the lockers at the end of the hall. Ryan Jimenez and his toadies skidded down the hallway past me. I sucked in my breath, hoping he wouldn't hear me. Of course, he did. He spun to face me. “Hey...dweeb” I could practically see the gears turning in his head. [/SIZE]


 


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Yeah Ryan, what an original insult.” His face turned red, and I ran. As I rounded the corner, however, I came face to face with the rest of his posse. Liam, Ethan, Noah, and Aiden. All of them were much dumber than they were big. And they were the biggest kids in school. And they all took personal pleasure in making me suffer. For what, I never was sure. They chased me down the hallway, right to the bathroom. I knew what was coming. This had happened so many times. They were going to get me into one of the stalls. Then they might hit me if they wanted, but one of them would inevitably push my head into the toilet. Then Ryan would flush it. Liam, Ryan’s second in command, would hold my head under. Then they’d all walk away like nothing happened. That’s how it always went. Today, before they gave me the “treatment”, as they called it, they might even take my lunch money, just to mix things up a bit. Yeah, I know. Cliche, huh? Yet it’s true. I have lunch money. My parents love me, but no one has time in the morning to make me a lunch. But back to the present. I sighed. Since I already knew what was going to happen, I decided that today would be the day to not fight. I stepped backward into the bathroom. “Just get it over with..” I said, hoping they might actually listen. But alas, that was not the case. It did happen fast, though. One moment I was standing, the next I was on my knees in front of the toilet. [/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Here Corey, enjoy your drink!” Ryan was about to push my head into the bowl when the toilet...well, the best way I can describe it is throwing up. Everything came out. The water shot up and hit the ceiling. Then, once the everything had come back down and hit everyone in the stall, something else popped up. It was a little man. He had a long, bulbous nose and no hair on the top of his wrinkly head. He looked to be about the angriest person I had ever seen until he spotted Ryan. He shouted something in a strange, Germanic language, then grabbed Ryan and pulled him into the toilet. All the water on the ground was sucked in after them. Liam stared at me, obviously trying the figure out what had just happened. Now, I most definitely was smarter than Liam or Ethan or Noah or Aiden or even all of them put together. I wasn't a prodigy or anything, but I did fairly well in school.  But even with all my smarts, I couldn't tell you what just happened. Liam’s mind finally settled on me as the only possible answer.[/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“What did you do, you dirty little rat…” The rest of the group joined in. From Ethan, it was  “Just wait till we get out of school.” Aiden’s addition to the conversation was “You’re dead…” And finally, the one everyone had been waiting on, Noah. He simply mumbled something under his breath. I could pick out the words kill, you, and later. I had a bad feeling about what that meant for me. So, I hightailed it out of there. I might as well save the beating I was sure to get for later. Anyway, I was late for science. [/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Chapter II[/SIZE]


[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]The rest of the day went mostly as planned. I did have to eat lunch in the janitor's closet to avoid Liam, and math, as always, was difficult, but I got home all in one piece. I ended up running the last block, however, because Aiden found me and completely planned on delivering on his earlier statement. All that was put out of my mind as soon as I walked through the door. My family was going on a trip to Florida! White sand beaches, cloudless blue skies, and no Liam or Noah or anyone to bother me. No one except my sister, but I could deal with her. I sat down on the couch, ready to watch some T.V. until we left, which was hopefully soon. That was when my mother walked up to me, obviously elated. My father trailed behind her, considerably less so. She sat down on the couch next to me. “Honey...we have something to tell you.” Despite her morbid tone, I could tell she was excited. [/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Mother, this wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with the tri-” [/SIZE]


 


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Actually it does. Your sister convinced us to finally go on that trip to Germany we’ve had planned all these years! Isn’t it exciting?” She burst out, her smile growing wider by the minute.[/SIZE]


 


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Of course Mother, extremely exciting.” I forced the words out and slumped back. It was not exciting. Not in the least. I had so been looking forward to the warmth of Florida. But Germany was the last place I wanted to go, especially with it being the middle of winter and all. But once my mother set her mind to something, there was no swaying her. So, we were going to Germany. [/SIZE]


 


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]I was still going to watch T.V. I’d just do it much more defiantly this time. My sister smirked at me from across the room, where she was helping to pack. “Oh, I just love Germany, Mother. The rustic castles, the Cologne Carnival, the ice. I’m sure Corey will love it too, won’t you Corey?”[/SIZE]


 


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Yes,” I mumbled under my breath, just loud enough for her to hear. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I did like castles, that was for sure. There’s just something so...majestic about an old castle. [/SIZE]


 


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Corey!” My sister called to me again. “We’re leaving in half an hour, so you’d better be ready.” I sighed, stood up, and looked over at my father. He was hunched over and grumbling to himself. It was very clear he didn’t want to go. I’m sure he didn’t have much say in the decision. I trudged up the stairs and started packing. I had packed last night, but all those clothes were for Florida. So I pulled everything out and started over.[/SIZE]


 


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Soon everything was packed, and we were out the door. We took a taxi to the airport. My mother chattered the whole ride about how excited she was. We went through the airport relatively quickly, except for one mishap in the metal detector. My sister had something in her pockets, and it took them a whole 15 minutes to pat her down. I had a strong feeling she did it to inconvenience the whole family and make the trip worse than it was already. That’s just the way she is. The trip after that went smoothly. We got on the airplane, and while there was a bit of turbulence along the way, nothing else happened until after we touched down. [/SIZE]


 


 


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Chapter III[/SIZE]


[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]The moment the wheels hit German soil, something felt...well, off. I couldn’t quite describe it at the time. I started getting headaches periodically throughout  the first week of our stay. I almost never get headaches. I had the strangest dreams, mainly about a man with fire for hair and his wife, whose hair was made of gold. The man wielded a large and heavy hammer. In fact, it seemed no one else could even lift it. The other man featured in my dreams was a large man with long gray hair and an eye patch. The dreams about him varied in content, but there was one constant throughout them all: two ravens. Both of them seemed to stare directly at me. It was quite eerie, all in all. [/SIZE]


 


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]The first part of the trip, headaches and strange dreams aside, was actually very nice. We stayed in two castles on the way. On the third day, my mother decided to vary from the plan. We were supposed to stay in a hotel in Berlin that night, but she had spotted a lakeside resort on one of the pamphlets in the lobby of the castle. A lakeside anything would be nice, in the summer. Not during the 30-degree winter we were currently in. But, as I’ve stated before, once my mother sets her mind to something, she cannot be swayed. So we took our little rental Mercedes-Benz, bought some snow chains, and set off into the Bavarian mountains. The higher we went into the mountains, the more treacherous the path became. The road was increasingly thin and windy, and I remember the car almost driving straight over the edge.[/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]It was dark and very, very snowy when we arrived at Lake Riesenauge. I had no idea what the lake name meant. Back in Berlin, most things were written in German and English. No such luck up here. The cabins were small, made of dark wood, and brightly lit. There looked to be about 16 or 17. 10 of them were illuminated. Wow. I couldn’t believe 10 other families had had the same idea as us. I felt bad for the 10 other kids that had been dragged up here. The cabins themselves looked quite small on the outside, but there was one quite interesting feature. Each cabin had it’s own distinct symbol. One had a very old looking hammer. Another had a sword and shield. The one my family chose had a raven. I looked across the lake at the cabin across from ours. It also had a raven. I didn’t think much of it then. We were exhausted, as we had been driving all day so we hurried in. The cabins, despite how small they looked on the outside, were actually quite large and could sleep six or seven comfortably. That meant I wouldn't have to sleep next to my sister. I silently thanked whatever force was looking out for me on this trip, even if it had just started taking care of me. I certainly hadn’t received any supernatural assistance back home. But it [/SIZE][SIZE=14.666666666666666px]was[/SIZE][SIZE=14.666666666666666px] helping me now, and I wasn't going to take it for granted.[/SIZE]

 

[Scattered Ambitions]

Chapters 5, 6 and 7.


[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Chapter IV[/SIZE]


[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]I was jolted awake by a gust of cold air making its way through our cabin. Someone had opened the door in the middle of the night. I'm not pointing fingers, but I had my suspicions. I decided to get up. I could close the door and go back to bed, but the damage was done. The cold air would still be swirling around and I wouldn't be able to get comfortable again. So I got up. The floor felt colder than if I had simply stuck my feet in a bucket of liquid nitrogen. I hadn’t really been able to look around the cabin much last night. We got here around 8:00 pm, but apparently the sun had gone down around 4:30. In the afternoon. Germany truly was a magical place. Cold and dark, all the time. [/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Well, the sun was out now, so I might as well take advantage of it. I quickly changed into something comfortable and warm, but not necessarily very fashion forward. Just an old camp tee, a sweatshirt and a pair of old, soft jeans. The shirt reads: CAMP FORD in bold and has a giant campfire underneath it. The jeans are very old, but somehow still fit me. When I got them, many, many years ago, they were light navy. They’re now a light blue. The sweatshirt is black and has a hood and drawstrings. The sweatshirt, like the pants, has faded over time, is much so that the words aren’t visible anymore. I also put on some thick wool socks and heavy winter boots before venturing outside. [/SIZE]


 


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]As I stepped out onto the front porch, a tiny, thin wooden structure I have become increasingly reluctant about standing on, I took a look around. Behind me was the cabin I spent the night in, much larger on the inside than it would appear to an outsider. The walls were painted with green, flowering trees with a multitude of ravens flocking to the branches. The sheets I had slept in were similarly decorated. I shuddered. I was not fond of birds. As a species, they haven’t exactly been kind to me. From a young age, five, birds had attacked me whenever they had seen fit. In fact, now that I think about it, Ryan’s toadies had acted the exact way birds had acted my whole life. Attack without reason. Maybe they were birds. In front of me were the other 15 cabins surrounding the lake. Last night I could barely make out the shapes above the cabins, but in the daylight, I could see them much better. Ours had a raven. There was another raven across the lake from us. On the ten other cabins, there was a sword and shield, a hammer, a white flower, a necklace, a sun, a moon, a needle, another raven, falcon feathers and a quill and scroll. Odd door decorations. The other five cabins looked normal, no strange symbols carved into their wood. I gingerly made my way down the five steps of our porch. I most certainly didn’t want the wood to snap under me. And I was almost certain that the wood had been frozen to the point of breaking. Once my feet were on the solid ground I continued surveying the area. The 15 cabins were on the shore of a lake. Well, at the moment, it was more like a block of ice than a lake. Who knows, maybe I could go skating? Although I’m not the most athletic, I absolutely love ice skating. Figure skating, that is. Hockey is a bit, uh, too rough for me. Part of the reason the Ryan took a shine to me, well, to hitting me, was because I am considered by most to be quite effeminate. For a guy. But so what? It’ 2016, guys can be whatever they want. I was about to go back to observing the area when the first, then last steps creaked and my mother and sister were standing next to me. “Good morning darling!” My mother squealed, her usual enthusiasm for everything showing in her tone. [/SIZE]


 


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“It is a good morning. Cold, but good. I was thinking maybe we could go ic-” I was cut off yet again.[/SIZE]


 


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Actually, we already have the day planned out. Yesterday while you and your father were off buying the snow chains, your sister and I did some investigation into this area. There is a herd of the elusive Roe Deer, not a mile from here! We’re going to hike out today and see if we can find them. I can’t wait!” Of course, she couldn’t. She was always excited about everything she planned. And I had a feeling my sister was part of this. She knew I would want to go skating today, so of course, she decided to get me as far away from the ice as possible.[/SIZE]


 


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Chapter V[/SIZE]


[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]    I stayed back, while the rest of my family went on the hike. My father's day plan was to drink the beers you could only get in Germany, the best ones, but he was dragged on the hike with my mother and sister. I kept inside the cabin reading until mid-afternoon. I would have been texting my friends and checking Instagram, but up here in the mountains, there was no service. Oh, the injustice. [/SIZE]


 


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Around three, when my family was still out on the hike, I decided to go skating. It was warmer, if only by a bit. I laced up my figure skates and stepped out onto the front porch. The blade went right through the wood, and I ended up buried hip deep in the wood. I ended up wiggling out of the hole, but it took me while. During my time as a captive of my porch, something happened. I wasn’t very focused on what was going on around me, but once I got out of the hole and reached the lake, I saw it. One crack in the ice, right in the middle. There were three adults gathered around the side, whispering to each other. I figured I could still skate on the lake, I’d just avoid the center. I was wrong. I was almost halfway around the lake when I heard the adults screaming at me. I looked over at them, and that’s when it happened. The crack moved quickly, unnaturally quickly towards me. It opened up underneath my feet, and before I could skate away, it swallowed me whole. As I was pulled under, I felt small, tough fingers on my ankle. I would have screamed, but I was underwater. The ice above my head closed up, and the crack started repairing itself. I beat on the ice, hoping to break through, but the ice seemed to, well, thickened at my touch. It was literally getting thicker by the second. It was then that I screamed. Something unearthly, something totally wrong and unnatural was going on. And of course, I had to bring some attention to myself. So I screamed, as long and as loud as I possibly could. My last air bubble hit the ice and popped, and the world started to go black. [/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Chapter VI[/SIZE]


[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]I woke up on the softest thing I had ever felt. It perfectly contoured to my body, while still supporting it. It was, without a doubt, the most awesome bed I had ever been in. I kept my eyes closed, and stretched my arms out to either side. My euphoria the bed had given me was gone in an instant as the soft mattress disappeared from under my arms. It felt almost like they were hanging over the edge of something. I opened my eyes and jumped up. Up above me was the sky, but this one was much cleaner and clearer than any I have seen before, even in the German mountains. Below me was a rainbow. No, not something rainbow colored, an actual rainbow. I reached down to touch it. It was definitely what I had been laying on before. It seemed much wider when I was laying on it. It was only about as wide as me. I totally could have fallen off the edge, and that would have been the end of me. “Boy!” Someone was yelling at me. I spun around and came to face a gate. It was the most intricate and beautiful piece of metal I had ever seen. But what really caught my eye was the man sitting in front of it. He was inside of a tool booth-looking box, and he was the one who has yelled at me. He pressed something, and the box folded into the ground, just leaving him. “Corey, isn’t it? Well, no matter. Come with me.” He turned away from me at this and started walking towards the giant, magnificent gates.[/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“How do you know my name?” I shouted after him.[/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Oh, silly mortal, that’s my job. For now, at least.” He said the last part much quieter, as though it were intended to be only for him, but his voice was quite loud, so I heard every part of it. And did he say mortal? Was he not?[/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“You say mortal like you aren’t one,” I said, trotting behind him as he opened and walked through the gates.[/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“That’s because I’m not a mortal. Not a god, either, even though I do everything for them. They wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for me.” His words were filled with spite.[/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]I couldn’t even begin to comprehend what he had just said, so I ask the most logical question. ‘Well, if you aren’t a mortal, what are you?”[/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Just...just a guardian, as [/SIZE][SIZE=14.666666666666666px]they[/SIZE][SIZE=14.666666666666666px] always say. Now come boy, you’re late.”[/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Late for what?” I didn’t even know where I was, how could I possibly be late for something? “What's your name? You seem to know mine.” I said.[/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Heimdall.” He pushed down a lever, which in turn lowered a drawbridge. Very medieval.[/SIZE]


[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Heimdall? What kind of- what language is that?”[/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Heimdall scowled at me. “No language that exists in Midgard, but one that has stayed up here. You mortals might call it German or Finnish.” So that’s where we were. Germany![/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]I repeated my revelation to Heimdall. “So we’re in Germany, right?”[/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Not exactly child. Just hold your questions until we get to the hall.” The rest of the walk was silent. This city we were in was absolutely gorgeous. Everything was made of silver and gold. The buildings were all large and castle-like. Right in the middle of the city was a giant green area. Almost so large that if you were standing in the middle, you wouldn’t be able to see the edges. And right in the center were a multitude of doors in the ground. Each had a symbol up top. Each of the symbols matched one of the cabin doors back by the lake. Heimdall opened the raven one. The ground underneath was the blackest black and looked rock solid. But Heimdall didn’t think so. He grabbed my wrist, pulled me towards the door, and jumped in. [/SIZE]

 

[Scattered Ambitions]

Chapter 7, pt. 1.


[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]We came back up in front of a giant marble hall. There were windows, but they were so high up on the walls no one but a giant could see into them. When Heimdall opened the door, I was hit in the face by the smell of strong beer and the sound of rowdy men. Heimdall gave me a little shove and said “Go in boy, everyone’s waiting for you.” I turned to look at him before I went in. He had the palest skin I had ever seen on a person, so pale it was almost see-through. It gave off a faint glow. He had bright, icy blue eyes and shoulder length shining golden hair. All in all, he looked quite like a ghost. I shuddered, then stepped inside the great marble hall. There was one almost empty table right by the door. It held 13 children, who all appeared to be right about my age, 13 or 14. The rest of the hall stretched on for miles to the left, and every table was packed to the brim with men, drinking and fighting. One man stood, and in a drunken rage, chopped off his neighbor's leg. Then his arm, and another leg. Then his arm. Finally, his head went. The murderer chopped the man up into small chunks, and attempted to sweep at them with his foot, but only succeeded in falling over into the gore. I almost threw up. I then diverted my attention to the nearest tale to me, the one filled with children. They were listening attentively to a large and grey haired man with an eye patch. Wait...I was sure I had seen him before. Where though? A dream, maybe? Of course, he was one of the recurring characters in my strange, German dreams. He looked up at me. [/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“And so,” the large, and very obviously in charge man boomed, “everyone is here. Gods, you may begin choosing!” The adults, well, [/SIZE][SIZE=14.666666666666666px]gods[/SIZE][SIZE=14.666666666666666px], began pointing at the children. Small symbols would appear on the child's neck briefly, then vanish. When this was finished, only about half of the children had been claimed. One girl wasn't given a symbol, but it was clear who she belonged to. She looked like she was perpetually angry. Her face was red. And the largest, most macho looking god stood next to her, an almost childish look upon his face. Once things had settled down, the man clearly in charge, the one who claimed me and the tall Asian girl I had seen earlier, sighed. “Yes, Tyr?” Tyr exploded.[/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“This one's mine, Odin. And I don't even have to claim her. You can see it, right?” He looked around at all of the kids. “You guys can see the resemblance, right?” Spots of blood appeared on the girl's face. “What’s your name, child?” Tyr inquired. [/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Skylar. Now get off me!” She pushed the man off of her. He stepped back, not having been moved at all. “Feisty, are we? No problem. I love feisty!”[/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Creep,” Skylar scooted away from Tyr. “Now would someone mind telling me what’s going on? We been here almost an hour, and no one has told me why I’m here.” She reached up to wipe some sweat off her brow, but blood came away on her fingers. “What the hell?” She asked. “Blood? Who the hell cut me?” She stared around the group, accusing each and every one of us with her eyes. The boy sitting next to her handed her a rag. [/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Sky, calm down. I’m sure no one meant to hurt you.”  [/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Doesn’t matter now,” she yelled. “Someone better tell me what’s going on!” Everyone else began to complain. [/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Where are we?”[/SIZE]
 


[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Who are you?”[/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Why the hell is everyone being so mysterious?” I asked.[/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]The girl standing next to me, the Asian one, leaned over to me, to whisper in my ear.[/SIZE]


[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Don’t complain, and stay out of the adult’s way. They seem to be very powerful, and I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of their anger.”[/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Alright, then I withdraw my question.” I whispered back to her.[/SIZE]


 


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“Good choice.” She said. “Do you know why we’re here? And what’s up with the adults? And why we all got those temporary tattoos?”[/SIZE]


 


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]“I don’t know. The guy who walked me in here seemed pretty bitter about the guys. He called them...he called them gods. I have a feeling they were “choosing” us, since the Tyr made such a big deal about that girl, Skylar, I think that was her name, since Tyr said that she was his. And I doubt they’re enslaving us, so it must mean we’re being used for some special purpose.”[/SIZE]


 


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]She looked like she was going to say something else, but was cut off by one of the gods. The one who was obviously large and in charge. He looked straight at the girl and me, a fobbing look in his eyes. "Listen, young ones, you do not need to question us. We well tell you everything you need to know when the time is right."[/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]"So we're on a need to know basis, right?" The head god looked confused for a moment.[/SIZE]


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]"I suppose, if that is how you humans say it these days. Anyway, back to the subject at hand. You are all here because you are a very special group of children. You fit all of our needs. For what, you may ask? You are needed...you are needed to save the world." The crowd reacted with surprise. "Yes, yes I know. Quite a surprise. But the end is coming. We call it Ragnarok. You may call it simply the end, the Rapture, the apocalypse. We know you mortals had a little scare four years back. But this time, it's really happening. Unless, you help us. First, however, we will formally assign you to your god, and Heimdall," he gestured at the man who had walked me in, "will begin your training. You all must learn to work together because if you don't, then you are destined to fail. So, everyone, off you go. Go and speak with your god." [/SIZE]

 

[Scattered Ambitions]

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Chapter 7, pt. [/SIZE]



 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]The girl and I, who's name I would later learn was named Lonna, followed the man previously speaking off towards the drinking and battling men. He introduced himself to us as Odin or Allfather. He was the...well, you wouldn't believe me, but the king of the gods. No, there isn't just one god. And these aren't Greek or Native American gods, they're Norse. So far, on the tour Odin took us on, I've met three of them. His wife, Frigga, joined us by her hall, where all the maidens and goddess of Asgard meet when their husbands are off doing other things. Now, don't get me wrong, the women of Asgard don't sound like much, but they are. They actually, as I heard from Frigga, do most of the work around here. But the men end of making the executive decisions, and the men get all the credit a glory. How messed up is that? Anyway, we started off in Valhalla, Odin's hall. He picks the bravest heroes, the ones who died with the most glory in battle, and he takes them up to Valhalla to fight with him when Ragnarok eventually comes. And it will come, no matter what we do. It was written in the stars long before anyone of anything even existed. Once in Valhalla, they spend eternity being served food and drink by Odin's warrior women, the valkyries, and fighting. but they come back within a couple of hours or the next day. That's why what I saw happen in Valhalla happened. When the two young men hacked each other to pieces. While it is still barbaric, it seems less so. But we were warned that this was not the case with us. If we were attacked, we would, without a doubt, die. Eventually, we were given the whole tour. Each of the gods had their own hall. That’s what all the doors in the middle of the green space, called the viheralueiden by the norse, were for. You could open one and jump to directly outside of a hall. We went to each of the halls, one for each god. We visited Baldur's, Frigga’s, Thor’s, Freyr’s, Freyja’s, Eir’s, Ullr’s, Bragi’s and Tyr’s. Each hall was different but looked the same on the outside. White marble. Huge gold and silver doors. And each hall was so large that if you stood at one end and started walking, you wouldn't reach the other side for three or four days.  {insert architecture god here]’s hero asked how it was possible. Frigga explained that each of the halls was kept in a pocket dimension, so there was no limit to the size of anything.[/SIZE]


 


 

[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Then, once all the gods and heroes got back together, we went to Asgard’s wall. The wall is made of stone, and only partially finished. One giant hunk of stone is just, well, missing. Apparently, the gods don’t like to build with anything other than “the finest gold and silver”, so they hired a guy to do it. Turns out he was a Jotun, the god’s enemy. Well, he said he could finish the wall in three seasons, but he demanded to marry Freyja, as well as demanding the sun and the moon. Now, the gods obviously couldn't do this. So they called up Loki. That night, when the builder came out to finish the wall, his horse went running into the woods after a mare. The mare ran all night, and the horse chased all night. When the morning came, there was no sign of either of them, and the builder knew there was no way he could finish on time. Then, when the builder didn’t finish on time, and it was revealed that he was a Jotun or a giant, he was killed by a fatal blow to the head from Thor’s hammer, Mjolnir, and his head was shattered into tiny pieces Loki, however, was not seen for several months and came out of the woods leading a gray, eight-legged colt. This horse grew up to be Odin’s prized steed, Sleipnir. We were then handed over to Heimdall and Freyja. Freyja was the goddess of war and divided the fallen warriors with Odin. Her warriors live and fight in her hall, Fólkvangr. Heimdall said we would each need something to fight with. Freyja agreed. [/SIZE]