Advice/Help What causes ghosting in roleplays and how to prevent it from happening?

[Addicted to Coffee]

It seems pretty common but wondering how do you prevent it from happening?

 

[Idea]

Ghosting can happen for a number of reasons, though as far as I can tell, the main one stems from a lot of people on RPN having difficulties with social interaction in one form or another, ranging from simple awkwardness to anxiety or depression. This can cause difficulties in confronting someone when it comes to wanting to quit an RP, or otherwise having an overreaction to failing to meet expectations (in their mind), such as if something happens IRL or if they couldn't be present because of mood reasons or because they overestimated their own availability. Not being able to deal with the confrontation or the awkwardness results in the person - consciously or otherwise- deciding to avoid talking.

If I'm correct in this, then it follows that while you can't prevent ghosting in totality you can probably reduce it with the right kind of atmosphere. It will of course depend individual to individual but in general if the person feels as though they can talk openly to you and that they won't get judged or gain animosity out of whatever triggered what would've otherwise caused the ghosting, they might be willing to talk to you about it rather than ghosting. This is easier said than done of course - in the first place this happens because the person gets themselves caught in their own thoughts, they convince themselves what they did is worse than what it really is, or that you might secretly really resent them for it or something else along those lines. So whatever approach you take to create that atmosphere it must be reinforced frequently enough to be credible even in the face of such a spiral of negativity.

Another thing which might help is tackle some of the secondary causes, such as keeping posting requirements appropriate for what partners are able to reliably deliver on.

Beyond that - well, like RPs dying, ghosting will keep happening. There may be good strategies to avoid it but so long as one continues to RP, one will continue to at least occasionally encounter ghosting. With these things avoiding them is something one of course should try, but it's as important if not more to learn to cope with it simply being an aspect of what roleplay is like.

Hope this helps. Best of luck and happy RPing!

 

[Celestial Water]

You can‘t. You either vibe with someone or you don’t. Look at it as you are opening up a slot to find someone you really connect with when a RP fails. There’s so many people you can run into and finding the right ones is by chance.

From the perspective of someone who has RP’d since 11/12 and is now 33. I‘ve spent most my years ghosting people than not. I don’t do that now. But why did I do it before? Messed up family background and most my family members are selfish. Growing up in an environment like that why would I care about forging relationships or how anybody else felt when I just up and left them? I just didn’t care. I care now because along the way I’ve made connections that altered my thinking; friends and mentors. Looking back I can’t believe I lived that way... But now, I take the effort to communicate with people because I see there is another, correct way, to go about being tactful when it comes to interacting with people.

 

[Inno]

Ghosting can't be prevented. That's one of the numerous things that will happen in roleplay. People get busy, something unexpected happens where they're unable to get online, people don't find compatibility with partners, red flags get raised with behavior, people don't want confrontation. It's going to happen. What you can do is how you respond to it. Try not to take it personally. Continue roleplaying and looking for partners that will give you what you looking for.

 

[Jannah]

Ghosting can't be prevented. That's one of the numerous things that will happen in roleplay. People get busy, something unexpected happens where they're unable to get online, people don't find compatibility with partners, red flags get raised with behavior, people don't want confrontation. It's going to happen. What you can do is how you respond to it. Try not to take it personally. Continue roleplaying and looking for partners that will give you what you looking for.

Yep. It's so common that I have come to accept it. In fact, I often go out of my way to state in my interest checks that I'm ghost friendly. I don't mind so much anymore when it happens because life itself happens. People get busy, tragedies occur, etc. I get it. Besides, I have ghosted before too. I think everyone probably has at least once.

 

[Edric Blight]

It’s inevitable. I used to be like “what the fuck?” when it happened, but now I’ve learned after having it happen so many times that you have to get used to it.

Every partner you have will one day ghost you and that’s the mindset you need to get into.

Eventually you will after months of searching if you search hard enough, find one or two gems that you can form a long and meaningful friendship and story with.

It sucks at first I get it. Hell I was called a baby for being confused about it and a little enraged, and I even wanted to quit the hobby of RPing that I so love. But ghosting is apart of it sadly.

People often believe you’re nothing but their toy sometimes. It’s like they’re little kids- they get bored of playing with you one day and move on to the next new “better” toy. You gotta learn how to be treated like that. It sucks but it’s totally apart of RP culture I’ve learned.

I’ll personally NEVER ghost and always be honest with my partner, but to bring it back to your original question, the sad fact is that there is no way to prevent it from happening. Ghosting WILL inevitably happen.

It’s hard to get used to but being here for almost a year I’ve learned to suck it up. I hate being that guy saying “suck it up, and get used to it!” but we have to do that as writers here.

As “doomer” as my take is, to some, you are nothing but a plaything that they use for a little while till they get bored. And legitimately, some people truly do get busy so you have to understand that. But there is no way to prevent ghosting, even if you make it known to your partner you would prefer not to be ghosted.

I hope this helps, it probably doesn’t, but I do wanna let you know I know how you’re feeling.

 

[Edric Blight]

Also to add to my point, I think there are certainly ways to reduce it from happening. Make sure you find someone you know you can talk to in OOC. Usually the socially awkward ones feel more comfortable ditching you because they’re typing to you from behind a screen and they don’t have to care about your feelings.

Hell I’m socially awkward as hell and have depression irl, but on the internet that changes funny enough. I do feel my partners deserve the respect to know if I don’t wanna RP with them anymore regardless of if I can see them in person or we are both behind a screen.

So anyways back to my point, make sure you get the right vibes from your partner. Idk, but sometimes I usually get some gut feelings about certain people when we are plotting in OOC, and usually they end up being right lol. I just get certain vibes from ghosted and usually when I start plotting and RPing with them, my gut tells me it’s not gonna last- boom, two days later ghosted.

So on that point, idk, I guess what I could say is try and get a good vibe for the type of person your potential partner is. A lotta people just don’t have the time for an RP because they’re busy, so you can get that vibe from them, and some just have 0 attention span and get bored with you.

Although one more thing I forgot to address in my post- you can’t prevent or expect or be prepared for some type of personal life tragedy happening in your partners’ lives. That’s a rare but very real reason for ghosting too.

 

[Jannah]

It’s inevitable. I used to be like “what the fuck?” when it happened, but now I’ve learned after having it happen so many times that you have to get used to it.

Every partner you have will one day ghost you and that’s the mindset you need to get into.

Eventually you will after months of searching if you search hard enough, find one or two gems that you can form a long and meaningful friendship and story with.

It sucks at first I get it. Hell I was called a baby for being confused about it and a little enraged, and I even wanted to quit the hobby of RPing that I so love. But ghosting is apart of it sadly.

People often believe you’re nothing but their toy sometimes. It’s like their little kids- they get bored of playing with you one day and move on to the next new “better” toy. You gotta learn how to be treated like that. It sucks but it’s totally apart of RP culture I’ve learned.

I’ll personally NEVER ghost and always be honest with my partner, but to bring it back to your original question, the sad fact is that there is no way to prevent it from happening. Ghosting WILL inevitably happen.

It’s hard to get used to but being here for almost a year I’ve learned to suck it up. I hate being that guy saying “suck it up, and get used to it!” but we have to do that as writers here.

As “doomer” as my take is, to some, you are nothing but a plaything that they use for a little while till they get bored. And legitimately, some people truly do get busy so you have to understand that. But there is no way to prevent ghosting, even if you make it known to your partner you would prefer not to be ghosted.

I hope this helps, it probably doesn’t, but I do wanna let you know I know how you’re feeling.

Because of ghosting being so common in the RP community it's why I don't really do any extensive highly-detailed worldbuilding for RP's. I save that sort of thing for my personal writing projects.

 

[Inno]

Yep. It's so common that I have come to accept it. In fact, I often go out of my way to state in my interest checks that I'm ghost friendly. I don't mind so much anymore when it happens because life itself happens. People get busy, tragedies occur, etc. I get it. Besides, I have ghosted before too. I think everyone probably has at least once.

Exactly. I have ghosted as well more along the lines of seeing blatantly obvious red flags that would definitely say to get out now.

 

[Edric Blight]

Because of ghosting being so common in the RP community it's why I don't really do any extensive highly-detailed worldbuilding for RP's. I save that sort of thing for my personal writing projects.

It’s also why I used to take like 80 partners at once. It was a weird strategy but it paid off in the end.

Was it exhausting to plot out a little story and world with 80 different people? Yea, but in the end I’m not happy because out of those 80 or so people (heavily exaggerating the number for effect here), I eventually found like three gems of people who I have developed a great roleplay and story with and people who continue to respond to me to this day.

So to bring it back to OP’s concerns of ghosting, this is a possible strategy but one I don’t recommend since it can become very overwhelming responding to 10 DMs at once. But eventually after a week, you get ghosted by a majority of them and one just ends up working out.

That’s probably how I’ve found the three or so great partners I still RP with today haha.

 

[Edric Blight]

Also my advice for you OP is not to give up. I got to a point where I heavily let the ghosting affect me too personally and that and my irl depression DID NOT mix well.

You just gotta troop thru it and keep searching and eventually, you’ll find that partner.

 

[Jannah]

It’s also why I used to take like 80 partners at once. It was a weird strategy but it paid off in the end.

Was it exhausting to plot out a little story and world with 80 different people? Yea, but in the end I’m not happy because out of those 80 or so people (heavily exaggerating the number for effect here), I eventually found like three gems of people who I have developed a great roleplay and story with and people who continue to respond to me to this day.

So to bring it back to OP’s concerns of ghosting, this is a possible strategy but one I don’t recommend since it can become very overwhelming responding to 10 DMs at once. But eventually after a week, you get ghosted by a majority of them and one just ends up working out.

That’s probably how I’ve found the three or so great partner I RP with today haha.

I honestly often do the same since then there's a better chance of at least one sticking around. I actually have one partner on this site now that I keep going back to. I have some niche interests and so does she so it's usually easy for us to find RP plots that both of us can be equally passionate about. I think that's actually often a reason for ghosting too: one partner is super passionate about the plot, but then the other is not quite fully feeling it for whatever reason. It's hard to keep a story going when not everyone is fully invested in it.

 

[Edric Blight]

I honestly often do the same since then there's a better chance of at least one sticking around. I actually have one partner on this site now that I keep going back to. I have some niche interests and so does she so it's usually easy for us to find RP plots that both of us can be equally passionate about. I think that's actually often a reason for ghosting too: one partner is super passionate about the plot, but then the other is not quite fully feeling it for whatever reason. It's hard to keep a story going when not everyone is fully invested in it.

Exactly. It’s almost like the principle of more trials = more accurate results. You just have to try a crap ton of times and eventually after many MANY failed attempts, you’ll find someone.

It’s just a matter of having the time and will to not give up to find that one partner who won’t ghost ya.

It’s also how I’ve been ghosted so many times and become numb and used to it by now.

 

[GojiBean]

It's been said already, but you can't stop ghosting.

There are innumerable reasons people disappear. And almost none of them can be avoided.

It's just the nature of the beast when it comes to role-playing.

However, one thing I found that at least helps to stop ghosting is to not be strangers with the people you role-play with. I've had several RP's go for years because I was actually friends with the other role-players outside of the RP. We would chat and interact with cultiplayer games, conversation (including voice chat on Discord), sharing our other hobbies like art, etc.

And that really helped the RP last and push ahead through the slow spells we'd occasionally run into because life is a thing.

So that's my advice. Make actual friends with other role-players first, then invite them to RP with you. Because when you're role-playing with friends instead of strangers, it's a lot easier to keep in touch and keep each other interested and invested in the adventure you're sharing.

Cheers!

 

[Steve Jobs]

There are a lot of parallels between RP and dating (especially for 1x1s) and just like in the dating world, you can't really prevent ghosting in RPs. Unless you know them IRL and can hound them for posts (don't do that obviously), you can't really hold them accountable. As far as mitigation goes, the best thing you can do is communicate and build a rapport with who you are roleplaying with. That way, they may feel more comfortable letting you know if life has become busy or they're not interested anymore. This is part of why Discord has become popular for OOC conversation. It's faster paced, (nearly) everyone has it, and accessible from all devices. It's what has helped one of my off-site RP groups stay in touch despite all of us having very busy lives or writer's block. Aside from real life busyness, my primary reason for ghosting in the past was either red flags from my partner or if the level of plotting felt uneven. Often times, my partner would rely on me to keep the plot going so I felt like less of a collaborator and more of a video game for them. At the time I didn't want to hurt their feelings so I took the path of least resistance.

 

[Badass_Username]

I think it's the curse of our times, we just keep finding new things we want to do and since we usually can't do that at work or with irl hobbies we do that here

 

[Shadow Rose]

Unfortunately there's no real way to prevent it. Even partners I thought I was cool with have ghosted me or noped out. It's either get used to it or quit im afraid.

 

[Edric Blight]

Unfortunately there's no real way to prevent it. Even partners I thought I was cool with have ghosted me or noped out. It's either get used to it or quit im afraid.

Bingo. Happens to me too.

Sadly this is pretty much the only answer and my experience as well as the experience of many others.

 

[Chroma Doll]

I don't believe you can prevent it from happening. As someone who hates ghosting, it's something I have to accept as fact too.

Whatever causes ghosting can be a variety of reasons, but there's one that just seems to be the most common (at least in my experience) : people lose interest. And instead of voicing that they are no longer interested or bored of the current rp events, they decide to take the easy way out and just ditch.
Another reason could be that they get too busy, or they forget, or they get sick, etc. etc. You can think of many different reasons why one would stop replying to you.

It's a shame that (if possible in their situation) people can't just let us know with a simple "Hey, I am too busy to dedicate to roleplaying this" or a "Hey sorry, I am not longer interested. Thank you for writing with me" that they're leaving. But that's just how it is, no matter how little the effort.

 

[ForgetTomorroow]

Ghosting isn’t something you can actively prevent, unexpected issues can happen, and compatibility differences, muse and interest levels may vary.

Unfortunately, there is little to do to prevent that from occurring, but I have found wonderful partners with just being open. Not being open to sharing personal information but willing to engage in less formal discussions and sharing passions, hobbies, and interests & a foundation can be built when you know you can switch to a casual chat. Not everyone is going to be purely focused on the story, and sometimes you want to decompress during the day.

Not everyone needs to be like this and shouldn’t be a forced requirement. But I think there is a time for rping and a time to relax, almost.

Although ghosting can be frequent, something to tolerate or move on from sadly.

 

[Stars Above]

Anyone can ghost you, even people who are super active and complain about ghosting. In my experience it’s better to treat RPs causally, as a small fun thing you do, don’t get too invested and remember it can always go poof.

I have a had One-on-One RP die recently that left me completely demotivated, that plus some personal irl problems and someone being an ass in a group RP I am in made me consider taking a break from RPs entirely. But when another One-on-One RP died I was just like, ‘Oh yeah, okay that happened’. Your attitude is super important; Do your best to not take this stuff seriously, roleplaying is meant to be fun.

Also I’d recommend to try not spend too much time planning. Get to the actual writing as soon as you can.

 

[Idea]

Anyone can ghost you, even people who are super active and complain about ghosting. In my experience it’s better to treat RPs causally, as a small fun thing you do, don’t get too invested and remember it can always go poof.

I have a had One-on-One RP die recently that left me completely demotivated, that plus some personal irl problems and someone being an ass in a group RP I am in made me consider taking a break from RPs entirely. But when another One-on-One RP died I was just like, ‘Oh yeah, okay that happened’. Your attitude is super important; Do your best to not take this stuff seriously, roleplaying is meant to be fun.

Also I’d recommend to try not spend too much time planning. Get to the actual writing as soon as you can.

I would partially disagree with your advice. While it’s never good to take things “too” seriously, but I don’t think taking it seriously at a base is in opposition to having fun with it.

As a token of example, I recently went to a bar with some friends and we ended up playing darts. While I couldn’t hit a drop of water in the ocean with my aim and one of us spent considerably more time with this game than any of the others, it was still a more fun and fulfilling experience because I tried the best I could and I approached it seriously. Something where you might not accomplish a more tangible result or which might be frail is not something I think should be taken more seriously. It’s perfectly valid to have some time killing frivolous fun of course, but I don’t think roleplay is the kind of hobby that is necessarily better enjoyed by treating it like that. Even if something dies, there’s a lot of fulfillment to be found in creating something really good from your efforts. I also disagree with your comments on planning, but this was my main disagreement here.

 

[Stars Above]

I would partially disagree with your advice. While it’s never good to take things “too” seriously, but I don’t think taking it seriously at a base is in opposition to having fun with it.

As a token of example, I recently went to a bar with some friends and we ended up playing darts. While I couldn’t hit a drop of water in the ocean with my aim and one of us spent considerably more time with this game than any of the others, it was still a more fun and fulfilling experience because I tried the best I could and I approached it seriously. Something where you might not accomplish a more tangible result or which might be frail is not something I think should be taken more seriously. It’s perfectly valid to have some time killing frivolous fun of course, but I don’t think roleplay is the kind of hobby that is necessarily better enjoyed by treating it like that. Even if something dies, there’s a lot of fulfillment to be found in creating something really good from your efforts. I also disagree with your comments on planning, but this was my main disagreement here.

I agree with you mostly too, this is more of semantic disagreement/me not explaining myself well. My point when I say not to take RPs too seriously is not me saying to not put in effort (‘small fun thing’ was probably not the best word choice then), it’s me saying uh… how to explain.

Okay like in the darts analogy, I don’t think you shouldn’t try your best to win, but I am trying to say you shouldn’t be upset if you lose. You shouldn’t take it seriously in that sense. You were just trying to have fun after all. Does that make sense?

I’ll stand by the planning comment.

 

[Idea]

I agree with you mostly too, this is more of semantic disagreement/me not explaining myself well. My point when I say not to take RPs too seriously is not me saying to not put in effort (‘small fun thing’ was probably not the best word choice then), it’s me saying uh… how to explain.

Okay like in the darts analogy, I don’t think you shouldn’t try your best to win, but I am trying to say you shouldn’t be upset if you lose. You shouldn’t take it seriously in that sense. You were just trying to have fun after all. Does that make sense?

Yeah I can agree with that. I think it's best to learn how to cope too. Just that you shouldn't stop making a real effort in the process, which after your response, it seems we don't disagree on. So great

I’ll stand by the planning comment.

And someone whose best roleplay experiences all came with partners with whom I had pretty extensive planning with, I'll continue to disagree.

 

[Inno]

I think everyone has their own way of doing planning that works for them. There's really no right or wrong answer. Some people like it more thorough others a bit more casually. Point is, whatever works for you that's all that matters.