Journal Vent Space: if you relate, lets cry together

[Shawdios]

i feel bad
im not paying attention in class
cause im scrolling through BPD tumblr
and a little of SHblr is leaking in through it
it gives me the ick
how people talk there

anyway
i just feel like shit
i ran on high emotions yesterday
and now im feeling the crash
i think
idk
i just wanna curl up and sleep
redlines arent apealing right now
i will admit
(pro)SHblr does ick me enough
to scare me away from the redlines
for a few hours at least

 

[Shawdios]

i wanna fucking sob.
they're so happy
why cant i be happy too
im over here curled up
with my knees against my chest as i type
and i feel like shit

im talking to friends but i feel so bad
i cant call them to stop myself from the redlines
and i dont want to admit here that i just did some
WHILE FUCKING TALKING TO BOTH OF THEM
im sorry
im sorry
im so fucking sorry
my mood is in the fucking dirt
and i dont wanna bring you two's down with me.

 

[Shawdios]

I see you
I see the scars
I dont know whether to talk about it
Or what to say
If i should even say anything about them at all

I wanna walk up to her
And smile a sad smile
A smile that says
“Hello kindred spirit”

She’s younger than me
So much younger
Nearly like my lil sister
But she had to have done them at my lil sisters age
What do you say about that?
How can you say anything
When you KNOW what its like
Or at least what it could have been like

Ive noticed the scars for a while now
Slip of the long sleeve off her hands at first
But now she’s casually wearing t-shirts
Idk how recent they are
But i did notice fresh scratches one day
I didnt say anything
Having my own fresh scratches
(constant fresh scratches
Always constantly fresh
Never allowing them to fade away)
But another volunteer did

And i could FEEL the panic
I could see right through the excuse
But i didnt say anything to her

Anyway that was back in like
October or november
Idk

Does she see through me too?
I mean
I admitted to heavily suspecting i had bdp
In the “spouses” group chat
And she goes more out of her way to give me a
“Hello!” hug
And a “goodbye!” hug
If we show up on the same day now

I want so bad to cry out I GET IT
And bury this not even fifteen yet child
Into the best hug i can give

But.
I also know
That us SHers
We tend to enable each other
And can be walking triggers too

I dont want to ruin any clean streak she has
Just by saying i get it.
And reminding her of it.

I hate how she’s a walking stereotype of it though
“Uwu blood, GOTH, pretty skulls, oop there goes my arm hehe”
Sums up her personality

You put the two of us next to eachother
(dressed how we do in public)
And you’d never suspect i tear into myself nearly twice a day
And for hour long periods with dozens of lines over each other
You’d point to her
And her “manic pixie uwu” vibes

I don’t hold any hate towards her
Just a wish to nod towards the scars and say “I Understand”

 

[Shawdios]

[31ist]
[8 or 9 o'clock ish]
I think im touch starved.
Considering I Nigh obsessively
Drew two of my oc’s cuddling
Then felt like shit most of the day
And now that im trying to sleep
I find myself crying
as i hug the body pillow i’ve had for years
And tangle my legs up in it and my blanket
Trying to make it feel like a person
And bitterly wish i had someone real
To hug and squeeze
And know they’re physically here with me
Im pretty sure im touch starved

Its weirdly funny
How Spice and Autumn/Fall
Are two sides of me

Autumn is my clingy depressed ass
And Spice is my fiercely loyal aro ass
They balance eachother out
Spice is always there to be a body and listening ear whenever Autumn/Fall needs it
And Autumn/Fall doesn’t judge him for not experiencing romantic love and being horrendous at emotional empathy
Autumn/Fall depends on Spice
And Spice craves being a person who matters to someone

I just wish i had a Spice for my Fall
My inner Spice is already somewhat satisfied
But my Fall is flailing about
Why cant i just satisfy myself?
I wish bestie could BE HERE
I dont blame them
Nor am i upset with them
And i’m sure they know that
They’ve heard my wailing about my mother
And my lack of freedom
But im furious at my mother
For causing me to be like this
And then preventing me from healing myself

.
.
.

[11ish]
I hate mother
I hate toxic
I hate every “friend” who dropped me
And disappeared when i couldn't contact them digitally
Even though i saw them once a week
I hate my brain
For making me this huge emotional weight
That drags the mood down constantly
I just wanna not be a roller-coaster
With space breaking highs
and earth shattering lows

What is it like?
To not crave these redlines done deep in the dark?
To not smile and laugh
While knowing the minute you get to privacy
That your shoulder will sing with countless songs of pain?
And your trash can will be throwing up bloated red paper towels?
How do people live without it?
Whats it like to never enjoy the taste of red iron and salt
From licking the accidental smear of redlines
Off your fingers?

Ive covered so much this time
Even went further
around the side of my canvas than usual
Hugging my biggest bee plush and snapping a rubber band
Didnt work.
Sorry.

Its been nearly 1 & ½ hours
Since i started
Gotta wait for paint to dry
before you add another layer yk?
Cant risk rust.
…
Most of the people reading this probably won’t get that

I dont care for depth
Epidermis strokes
(maybe shallow dermis)
Are perfectly fine
I just wish i could go down my whole arm
Spread them out

I wish i was a normal teen
Not this isolated mental case
That’s probably developed a blood/pain kink or some shit.

 

[Shawdios]

Every time i open my REVO doc
And jump to the bottom
To go recycle some cut bits
These two sentences
“He was free and he survived.
Each mark on his body,
he took pride in their presence.“
Greets me.

And previously
Ive paid them no mind
But right now
Taken out of their original context
They hurt to read.
Because i wish that was me
No.
I HOPE
It will be me
Thinking those two lines
Pronouns and all

I want to be free from this fucking prison
To be able to take pride in the fact that i survived
And pride in having the scars to show for it
I hope
That ill be able to see the truth
Flame’s eventually supposed to in REVO

The line hits different
When you know you project
And you’re in a state of rage
I suppose.
Idk
Im just trying to distract myself from the redlines
That ik ill eventually do
Maybe thats why the lines hurt me so much rn
Cause im trying not to mark myself up
And i do take pride in them
While also feeling shame?
Idk
I dont know why the words hit me hard
They just do
Fuck words
Words are hard.
I wish i hadnt said g’night to my friends
I thought i wasnt going to be allowed on the laptop
After i came back upstairs
But i was
And ik they dont get notifications
Fuck
i regret saying gnight
I really do
They wont check it till tomorrow
Nor will they check here
I HATE MOTHER
I HOPE IF I EVER DO GET THE GUTS TO DO IT
THAT I FAIL
AND YOU FINALLY FUCKING SEE
JUST HOW MUCH YOU FUCKING DID TO ME
AND HOW MUCH WORSE YOU MAKE THIS
I FUCKING HATE YOU
I HAT EYOU
I dont want to
Deep down i know i dont want to
Who WANTS to hate their mother?
The woman who is supposed to love them unconditionally
To support them and guide them
But she makes it really fucking hard not to
I want to be able to see my friends
I want to be able to talk to them
They keep me here
And im scared that if i lose everything
Every form of contact or communication with them
That ill say Fuck It
Because well, there’s nothing to lose anymore
Why stay and deal with this?
I hope that manifests in running from the house
And finding my way to Besties home somehow
Rather than Running.
But.
Well.
Yk.
Tried it and chickened out once
Whats another try?
….
I feel like im on a tightrope.
One horrible gust of isolation away from falling
One more Mother caused cut off
From leaping out this fucking window
To get any fucking out
In whatever form it takes
Either actual death
Or being rushed to a hospital
And watching how serious this shit is
finally fucking registering
In my Mothers eyes

 

[Shawdios]

Had another bad dream
I dont remember a lot of it
But i do remember
Having weirdly “scabbed” over
(it was like a clear somewhat cloudy film shrink wrapped over and in the cut)
Deep as hell cuts on my forearm
They didnt bleed
And they all looked not recent
But they gapped
Like eyes blooming out of skin
One went all the way down to muscle
And i could see the stringy red in the center
Surrounded by round lumpy beans of fat
And then white
and then my skin
I wasn’t freaked out in the dream
I remember feeling fascinated
But now?
A sense of simmering horror
Is bubbling in the back of my head

Because that deep as hell cut
Was placed on my wrist
And i dont remember the part of the dream
that lead up to me observing my arm
And analyzing it with horrifically gleeful curiosity
I remember being enraptured with the sight
And the divots in my arm
When i turned it sideways

The closest thing i can compare it to is eyes
The shape
Of the cuts i mean
Its so disturbing to look back on
I wanna curl up into a ball and rock back and forth
I'm so disgusted with my subconscious
For giving this mental image
It was like eyes
They looked like eyes
They gaped like open eyes
Now i cant help but picture all of my strokes
As eyes
Holy fuck
I dont
My imagination
Eyes blossoming out of eyes
Cutting through eyes only to make more eyes
I wanna throw up
I wanna cry
But my body refuses
I wanna react somehow
I wanna show how disturbed i feel
But theres people
So my body clamps down
Fucking eyes
Why eyes
Why’d they have to look like eyes
Ive drawn eyes where they shouldnt
Why’d those cuts have to look like that
I dont think i can look at the eldrich horror stuff
That i loved to draw with Holly
The same
They looked like the eyes
They fucking looked like the eyes
The more i think about this the more horrified i feel
Because fuck
They looked like eyes
The puckered edges were like the edge of an eyelid
The way they were split open the skin and gaped
Fuck
I wanna dig out my own actual eyes
So i can stop knowing how to picture anything
Fuck my imagination
Fuck my imagination
Fuck how theres a side of me that longs to draw this
That feels that morbid and sick curiosity
That is fascinated with what my imagination conjured up
Fuck the same side that longs to stoke on my forearms
Because it knows there’d be easier to put pressure on
IM NOT GOING DEEP
IM NEVER GOING DEEPER THAN DERMIS
IM NOT GOING TO LITTER MY BODY WITH EYES
NEVER
FUCKING NEVER
FUCK YOU BRAIN
FUCK YOU
FUCK YOU
IM NEVER GOING TO GO EYE DEEP
FUCK YOU

 

[Shawdios]

I got side tracked
And im gonna avoid thinking about how they looked
So i dont get sidetracked again
But i was disturbed for another reason too
Because at that depth
On my wrist?
Thats fatal
Thats artery
I dont know why my arm looked like that
In the Dream’s Universe
But fuck
That’s a Sui attempt cut
I know before i go to bed
I do Redlines
And ive had Sh related dreams before
(Bad dreams where im found out and yelled at,
then i wake up and im confused and turned around
about what is reality)
But never like last night’s.
Ive never dreamt i have gaping cuts
Maybe it was from how trapped i felt last night
How trapped i still feel
Fuck
I need help
I don’t want to get worse
Or spiral and make my arm look like it did in that dream
That’s my worst fear i think
Getting worse
And i swore to bestie i wouldn’t get worse
So im gonna try my fucking damnest
To not get worse
I don’t know how to ask for help though
I dont want to stop my shallow strokes
The idea of stopping brings me panic
I also don’t want to have my family’s view of me change
I don’t want to be the cutting crazy one
The psych ward admittee
I fucking scared my dad
My fucking dad
Ive never seen him scared
Or even admit to being scared
Mother told me i scared him
The day after they confronted me about the kit i accidentally left in his car
And i know where i get my coping mechanism of joking from
Because he was joking
And making dark jokes
All throughout the time i had been confronted
Fuck
I scared him

…And nothing was done.
The blades were disposed of
And everything went back to normal
No help after that
Nothing
No therapist appointment
Not even body checking for new cuts
Or hiding of shaving razors
Just
“Get rid of the blades
And thus the problem with it”
I scared him
And yet nothing was fucking done
Nothing fucking changed
He fucking SAW the scars and healing cuts
And NOTHING FUCKING CHANGED
HE DID FUCKING NOTHING
I SCARED HIM AND HE DIDNT DO ANYTHING
It hurts so much
To realize this
Why isnt anything being fucking done
They found out
And they didnt do anything
They basically just swept the discovery under the rug
I want fucking help
But i dont know how to get it
If fucking SH isnt enough
I dont know what is
I TOLD THEM
It was like an addiction
And my mother brushes it off
She just asked “Why?”
I even fucking gestured to her
In fucking response
Cause i hadn’t known what else to point to
MOTHER was why i started
Not Toxic
I started after she yelled at me over whatever the fuck
Toxic just helped give me the idea

AND THIS WAS LAST FUCKING YEAR
THIS WAS BACK WHEN I WENT TO THE FUCKING CONCERT
AND CAME HOME TO FALLEN DOWN LIGHTS
I HAD A HOMEMADE KIT IN MY POCKET
THAT FELL OUT ON THE WAY HOME
AND HE FOUND IT TWO OR THREE DAYS LATER
WHEN HE WENT BACK TO WORK
AND NOTHING WAS FUCKING DONE

Why didnt they fucking do anything
Why didnt they get me help then?
Fucking why
Heh
“Why?”
Always comes down to fucking
"Why"
Doesnt it?

 

[Shawdios]

[Feb 2nd, 9ishpm]

I was just about to draw those redlines
I had my sleeve pulled up
And a paper towel in my lap
And then
You said
“I hope to get to see you again at some point in the nearish future.”

..i cried
Sniffling
Shoulder shaking
Breath growing shallow crying
Is what i melted into
And i curled up in front of the laptop
Because
Its like you knew.

I wish we were on a call
Or that i was physically there
So how much that well placed phrase had meant
Could be seen or heard

I was alone in the house
Prime time for Redlines
And i was about to
Even though you were talking to me
But you somehow knew
Or at least picked up on my attitude
And even if you didn’t
And it was just a really well timed coincidence
Love you too
Not in any romantic way
You know that
But im glad you are here
In the few forms you can be
In my life despite it all

Im not leaving anytime soon
I will make it another year.
And i call you
From some late night 24/7 store
And you can come pick me up
Mother’s rage can wait
Ill deal with it somehow
And the aftermath
One step in front of the other.

I will make it one more year
One more year is all i need
Just one
Then i can pack my shit and leave
Get a job
And live with you
Or something
Hell ill pay rent and shit
To your mom
And do better than The Children
If she lets me stay
Because fuck
Id be so fucking grateful
Ill do my fill
Ill be the best fucking housemate
That i fucken can be with this mental shitshow ive got up in my head
Just one year
One year has never felt so long of a time
Before now
Hell
One MONTH
Has never felt so far away
I cant picture being out
I cant
I think thats why this hurts
Cause its just a fantasy
Not a reality

Reality is
Im probably not gonna make it
one year
I dont see it happening
I feel like i pulled tight rubberband
Stretching and stretching
A little further out every damn day
Waiting for the day the tension will finally snap

I feel a sense of dread
Like there’s a storm on the horizon
That im massively unprepared for
And will blow on in any day now

Im waiting in terror for something horrible
And i'm afraid of what my own head will do
When that something hits.

.
.
.

I wanna walk up to mother
And admit to wanting to die most days
But how she could react glues my mouth shut
“I want an acident to happen to me because im too chicken to kill myself”
“I tried to strangle myself a couple weeks ago, chickened out”
“I’ve had a dream where i had a fatal wound on my wrist, and i wish it was reality sometimes”
You cant just say any of that to someone
Would she cry?
Would she yell?
Demand WHY?

What would change?
If anything?
…would it get brushed off the next day?

Im trying bestie
Im fucking trying
For you
For you i am trying
I am trying so fucking hard
And i can feel the tiredness
Creeping in day by day
Like a fog drifting down from the mountains
Or a evening winter frost
And im scared
Scared for you
For how ill hurt you if i lose this
If i lose
Ill laugh at fate’s funny and cruel ways
And hope you could find some laughter in it too.

I think ill take a walk tonight

[1am]
Yeah so im not doing that
I had a heavy cry
Like, legs gave out and fell to the floor behind my bed kinda cry
And dragged my blanket down
To curl up in as i fucking sobbed
When i got back to my room

Then five minutes later i got up
Wiped my eyes and glasses
And played Fire emblem
(the og one)
On a Game boy Advance i found in my older sister’s room the day before
(it’s not hers)
And i played it for 3 hours

Ive got beekeeping class in the morning
So ima try sleeping
…i fucking hate my emotions.

 

[Shawdios]

I feel I'm in an emotional standby.

I'm a writer
And yet that's all the words i have to convey it

I feel tired
But also whimsical
Slayfer james
Amazing voice
I could sway and spin my way down the street
To all his music
I quite did on the porch
And at night no less
With a fuzzy blanket around me
I spun
Waved my arms
And danced
Shuffling my feet and taking sliding steps
Swaying from footstep to footstep

It was fun
But now i feel weird.
I feel like i’ve been put on standby
Waiting for the next event to happen
Redlines tempt me
But to that i say FIREEMBLEM
So.
Idk i just feel interesting and stuck
I wouldnt say i snuck out?
I mean all i did was go on the porch
I grabbed a blanket and slipped outside
while older sister and younger were eating in kitchen
Mother was asleep on couch
And then i came back in half an hour later
Nobody noticed
Don’t know whether to feel bad about that

Feel melancholy
Thats the word ive been looking for
Its a subtle and unknowingly triggered sadness
That i think im in right now
Cause i honestly don’t want to talk to anyone right now
I wanna waltz down the street
To shlayfer james
Or lay in the grass
Stare at the sky
Eject my mind from my brain
And just enjoy the world
I wanna climb every single tree
Dive to the bottom of an ocean
Dance amongst falling leaves
I want to reject all of humanity
Vibe with some bees
I mourn the lack of ability
for me to go out and enjoy natures beauty


Feeling a melancholy whimsical emotion right now.

 

[Shawdios]

i dont really know if i want to talk to people right now
the idea makes me want to curl up and hide

i drew a bunch today
tried to do more of full body poses
rather than upper body and facial expressions
it was all just Big dancing
or singing
most of them feel a lil off
cause i did them in pen
and couldnt fix any mistakes
dont know how i feel right now

still listening to Slayfer
oh wow would'ja look at that
number 100
Damn.


honestly i feel like this drawing i did
cant show yall
cause i cant take pictures
but
yeah that drawing is honestly how i feel rn
I feel ya Big

i don't necessarily feel like i want to not exist.
i just feel maybe bored?
Numb?
music is all that makes me feel rn
i want to be alone
and i want to have a pure open room
maybe somewhere i can put on my skates
and i want to dance
i want to fucking dance
my room is too damn small to dance in
back went i spelt in a hammock i could have danced in my room
i did dance in my room actually
id just take the hammock down
and id have a space to twirl around in
but now there's a fucking bed taking up the middle of the room

i wanna walk down a dark streetlamp lit road
twirling and hopping my way around on it to the rhythm of a song
I DONT WANT TO BE OBSERVED BY ANYONE
I WANT TO EXIST
BUT WITHOUT EYES ON ME
i want to waltz with empty air
swing step around a ghost
tango alone amongst the trees

i wanna exist on my own
and dance without care

 

[Shawdios]

ngl
i thought i was feeling better
but i feel like unproductive shit
not craving unexistance
just bad

how do i say that i think about possible ways i could get killed nigh daily
and not have concerned "!!!" pop up?
drying dishes:
I could slip while drying this knife/fork and get impaled on it
Riding in Car:
that SUV could ram into us
i could leap out of the car then get run over if i didnt break my neck on the fall first
we could get crushed by a semi
mother could swerve off this steep road and flip the car end over end
Walking from car to store:
i could get runover by an SUV
i could get mugged and shot in the head
i could get snatched and eventually offed
someone backing out could not see me and run me over
the roof could cave in and crush me
i could slip on the tile and break my skull open

Sometimes
brain pictured it happening
then i mentally went WTF
or entertained the idea

how do i tell someone that?
without being put on suicidal watch
and what would be the point?
its not like i could fix the thoughts
i dont wanna die
itd be painful as fuck
id hurt Bestie and Waffle in an irreparable way

its just that HOW something could off me or injure me
is a frequent thought
Spoon?
oh you could dig out someone's eyes with that
you could stab someone and tear them open with a knife
i wonder what that'd look like?
if what i stabbed my stomach, would i survive?
how much force would that need?
how exactly does this knife not cut my finger if i run it down the blade
but also cut carrots?
force?
if i put as much force as i do for carrots onto my finger
it'd cut the thing right?
ew that'd hurt
Ah well its dry, put it away
What if i put this bowl on my head?
Hm.
what if i accidentally brush againt one of the new knifes while reaching for the silverware?
what if i could hide it without anyone noticing it was missing?
nope nah not possible.
oh well
god i hate drying silverware
never gets dry in one wipe
motherfucker





anyway
typical thoughts while drying dishes
definitely

 

[Shawdios]

Crisis resources are such a fucking joke
you call a suicide hot line? there could be a 10+ minute wait
which is plenty enough time for someone looking over a building or bridge to decide "fuck it" and jump

Runaway Switchboard?
oop yeah we're not law experts,
but your parrrents/guardians could file a runnaway report and have you returned,
suck it up till you're 18 ig

and theres no online chat resources ofc
cause yk, fuck all the kids who dont have a phone
or the abilty to call or text those their parrents don't approve of

cant get fucking therapy for free
and i get it, therapists need money too
but fuck
my parents wouldn't let me go even if it was free
at least if online therapy was free
i could get some that way

not in crisis rn,
but curiousty about whether
they help people or not
along with whether i could contact one if need be in the future
overwhelmed me

 

[Shawdios]

feeling bad
i really shouldn't reread my rant thread
i mean i know i do it to make myself feel worse
but eh

i wanna do some redlines
the scabs are all nearly gone

mother found the gameboy a few days ago
so i cant play fireemblem
to distract myself

but well lets focus on positive stuff today!
i worked on my RP reply
i worked on Revo
and i completed my beekeeping class homework!
i also made cookies

good things happened today.
not gonna focus on the bad.
nope
no sirree
...

god i wanna tear up my canvas
nothing all that bad happened today
just family yelling at eachother
like usual

i had a weird dream though
dont remember if it was last night or the night before
but it was a "return" of the eye cuts

i remember having the cuts
then wanting to take a picture
so i could prove that they looked like eyes
but to do that i needed my older sistsers phone
and so we fought over it
and then i lost
and i got so damn mad that i trashed my litttle sisters room
(cause thats where i was left, no clue where lil siblin was)
then she admited to having cut herself too
and that mother knows about it
i dont remember much about the rest of it

dreams are weird
i also had a dream that i was writing
and the idea was a really good one
but then i woke up and realized that was a dream
but i checked the notebook i wrote the idea in in the dream anyway
and it was empty
dunno what i expected
but i remember Rise being snarky to a cult member
and Autumn maybe having commited sui
in past of the idea and so that left Rise as the oldest??
then something about sam drinking and then someone sitting down next to him
and sam freaking out
i think i drew Hark?
and redesigned him?
he looked a lot like a MHA OC
with his hair
idk
dreams be weird

 

[Shawdios]

Spoiler: IRL peeps, you aren’t allowed to read this one

Why the fuck am i like this
These thoughts are not intrusive
I wack them away cause they’re bad
But given an amoral society i dont think id wack them away
Guilty pleasure?
Sure, if you mean that first word in a very literal sense
And not like
“Oh, i absolutely adore those cute lil muffins people hate on, its my guilty pleasure”
No
I mean you cry and sob after indulging
And berate your brain
Because you just fucking enjoyed that
Or at least enjoyed the idea of it
And entertained the idea of it
You got no ick except the one society drilled into you
And rightfully so

Do dark thoughts make you a bad person?
I cant voice some of thoughts here
For the sake of site rules
But do dark thoughts make you a bad person?
I think so.

Blood i find interesting
Toga from MHA i dont like
because of the semi sexualization of blood in her case
But its fascinating
The way it can well up into thick drops
And have better surface tension than water
Then slowly streak when its too heavy to stay put
How it darkens when bunched up into large amounts
Then lightens to a vibrant red when its a smear
The salty taste?

One shouldnt enjoy being deprived of air
Or having something constrict around any body part
Let alone their neck
Right?
I shouldn’t find comfort in tight bindings
Or the idea of having my senses blocked out
The idea of someone else doing these redlines for me
Then helping tend to them if need be
Why the fuck does the idea of being someone’s THING
Sound so damn appealing

I dont know
if these thoughts are me wanting to be in that situation
Or wanting to cause that situation
Ive had my share of pretty fucked up dreams
The idea of power imbalance
And being on either side of it
Not necessarily sexually
Writing out Big and Ritz’s dynamic
That’s a Guilty damn pleasure
Fuck i wish i was out of this house

As much as i want to be completely open on this thread
There is a line written in the site rules
And a societal line i supose as well
A “TMI” line
Idk
Whatever

 

[Shawdios]

[10th, 11am-12ish am]
It wasnt even an inch
Not even an inch away
From placing redlines
On my forearm and wrist

Im a shit person
And you cannot tell me otherwise
You dont know my head
And the depths of it i cannot expose
On a public forum that allows minors on it
However
I can admit to them on paper
[Omited]
I am a shit person
No amount of
“But–!”
Can change that
I think ive found why i hate myself
And am constantly depressed
Theres a deeply inlaid guilt
And i dont think anyone would so much
As want to be in the same room as me
If they knew the reason why
I dont want to hurt people
But ive fantasized a shitton about it!

I want to not be here
I want to disgust everyone so much
That if i were to off myself
People would be relieved

I want to be hurt
I want to be used
I want to be just an object to find pleasure in
At least i can bring someone joy in that way
Because i think i deserve that
I deserve what i dished out
I wanna be destroyed
So that i don’t have to do it myself

Somebody come groom me
so that my mother can be proved RIGHT
So that i can know
i'm truly just a dumbass teen
who thinks they know better

Break me
I dont wanna be here anymore
Make use of my body
And ravage it enough
That i can say
Im finally broken enough to Go

I dont wanna say it clearly
Because saying it clearly makes it true
And glaring

I wanna die most days
I'm just warded off by the idea of hurting others
I wanna slit my wrists
And watch all the pretty blood spill out
covering everything

I wish i could dress slutty
Attract the dangerous type of attention
Get fucked up
Enough that me dieing makes sense
So that im just another
“Tsk, what a shame”

I want to choke and plead
Clawing at the hand pressing down
I want a Ritz for my big
Just fucking hurt me
Carve your fucking name
Kill me so i don’t have to

 

[Shawdios]

I hate being a stressor for people
I cant revoke Waffle’s permission for this thread
And i certainly cannot revoke Besties
For different reasons
Waffle, because i dont know how they’ll react
And they’ve been hurt by the stuff they read in here before

Bestie’s is different
Cause they’ve stuck around
Despite my attempts to cross over lines
They’re here on a doc with me rn
But admitting anything directly
Fuck
I cant do it
Even though they’ve seen some of the ugly sides
Because AGAIN
What is the fucking point?
They cant do anything about it
Not for another year
Its still gonna be shit
Im still gonna have this rollercoaster of a brain
I fucking hate this

I cant describe the urge
The desire for non-extistence
Or the desire to be hurt
If you haven’t experienced it
You haven’t experienced it

And even then
Everyone has had different experiences
One person who desires non-exsitence
May have a different experience with the desire than the second person

I have bunch of homework i need to do
And a Rp reply to finish up
I also need to work on beekeeping research paper
And REVO
I need to find a way to text a friend
And tell her that i'm gonna dress extra tomorrow
My friend from summer camp i cant contact AT ALL
And im worried he may be panicking
Cause he doesnt know i lost my phone
And its been over two weeks
Then again
Maybe he hasnt even fucking noticed

…
Fuck i just dont wanna deal with all this shit
Long term solution to short term problems though
The desire is stupid
Yet that doesn’t stop me from fantasizing

 

[Shawdios]

Been a while since ive put something in here
Stuff from the past month is on paper
This was typed out in a doc
Ill type those rants up eventually
But anyway
Feeling like shit
cause of the real-crime video my dad is watching

AuDHD murderer
Dark humor
Did it out of curiosity

Sounds really familiar doesnt it?
…
Im surprised a
“That you?”
Joke hasn’t been made at all by my dad
Might be because i told mother the serial killer jokes bother me

whatever
ive mentioned all this before

 

[Shawdios]

<rants from February that i had to write on paper>







[15th of Feb]
So yesterday and today have been interesting
Talking to someone whom i had considered
A bit of an ass
Im giving him a second chance (at friendship)
Maybe he’s genuine
Maybe he’s not
Ill never know for sure
Just like with Toxic
I thought she was genuine at the time
Then the final call happened
And from then on
Everything was thrown into uncertainty

Distrust is safer
Sup Bestie! Sup Waffle!
Waffle you shouldnt be reading this
I understand if you still are though
Sorry for runnin my stupid mouth
Im protective
Means i care a lot about someone if i am
Sup everyone else!
Am i too much here?
Im aware this is all pretty heavy
SH, sui thoughts, manic breakdowns
They arent light topics
Certainly isnt small talk
“Ah yes the suicidal thoughts are quite “lets jump” today”
“Oh really id have thought they were more “slit your wrists”?”
“I suppose you have a point considering the hankering for seeing blood has been quite strong this week”

They arent light topics and im aware!
But.
I jump to any chance i get
To explain
To say my piece
I like talking about it
IF i know the person is okay with the discussion
Not sure if i should make a private rant journal
One on paper or in private workshop?
Or just in my google docs
I dont like having it anywhere my mother can access though
Hm
Not feeling ranty rn
I wouldnt say this is a rant
Im not feelin bad
Just writing my thoughts down
I guess this is a diary after all

[Later on the 15th]
Ill give mother one thing
She may be homophobic
She may be transphobic
But at least she isnt Aphobic!
XD
Honestly
I feel as if its a triangle
Aromantic/Asexual/aroace in one corner
LGBTQI+ Allos
And the Straight Cis Allos

Older sister is a heteroromantic ace
Younger sister is BI (from what i know)
And im either aropan or aroace
Older sister is a good example of the cross between Cishet Allos and Aspecs
She doesnt identify as any queer label
Cause shes christian
BUT
Shes made jokes based about how “ironic” it is that her “color palette” is the Ace flag’s colors (her favorite colors are purple and black)
She is alloace
(and i find it even funnier that the alloace flag fits her even better since she dyed her hair red)
She has had crushes
But doesnt find sex apealing
“Id only do it to have kids” - My Older Sister

Honestly i feel bad for my little sister
Having two aspec oldersiblings
Albeit in two separate sides of the Aspec
but still
She looks up to me
And so she inmates me
And im aggressively Aromantic (ace by proxy, cause she’s not old enough for that topic to be discussed around her yet)
She’s bound to have guilt for any feelings if she’s Allo!
Our parents and older sister all tease her
for so much as being around another boy or drawing a boy character

Sigh
I just dont want her to stifle shit.
Took me forever to figure out i may not be ace
Just cause of the oppressive DONT TALK ABOUT SEX embarrassment

(Ello. Typing up rant Shaw here.
Ive since later confirmed that
my mother is basically an aroace-spec
Demi or flux probably
This is just from an outsider perspective though
And from the information i could coax out with carefully worded questions)

[16th of Feb, 12pmish]
[context: petty argument about dishes escalated into one about Bestie, resulting in me being left home from activity at 1pm]
Cant stop thinkin of the ways
And im debating on which would work
Hang myself in the front yard?
Dramatic
But highly doable
Just gotta climb the tree
And get the strap in place
So i could slip and choke
I could go lay on the road at night
People might serve though
Could take one of the new knifes
And go to town on my forearm
Ima drink all the wine downstairs
So i dont have any common sense tying me down
Ill do it once they go skating
Cause there’s no way im going
After the argument that went down
Just 30 more minutes

[Evening of 16th]
“Demonic thoughts”
Wow.
I really am Flame
Who that makes Mother
Idk

Fucken ‘ell
“Tear apart this family by contacting that mother and her [Homosexual kid]”
I couldn’t help but burst into laughter when my dad showed me that text
Because one.
Bestie is Aroace.
And two.
IM NOT THE ONE TEARING THE FAMILY APART
SOMETHING
Made me get to the point of ruinning from the house
To the point of using my Sui backup plan
And it sure as hell isnt bestie

Btw bestie,
My mother figured it out
My dad has no power over her word
I havent spoken to mother yet
Shes home
Not a word spoken to me yet though
I might have a slight headache from the wine
Oh yah.
I drained a bottle of wine into a water bottle
And i think i drank an eighth of it?
Didnt do fucken shit
Except maybe numb period cramps
I dont know if ill make it a whole year
Funny how that seems so long right now


[18th of Feb 5pm]
I fucken called it
NOTHING was done
Avoidence happened
Then things went back to normal
No argument
Nothing
Fucken Nothing
I wanted so much for there to be an argument
Fucken something
Just so i could say
“It was either call them or a potentially successful suicide attempt. Which do you fucken prefer?”
So i could know
If they’d DO something
If id finally crossed a line
Sh wasnt enough
Running wasnt enough
What will it be?
I dont want it to be a failed attempt
That calls them to action

At least i have a reason not to do homework
Cant use any computers
.
.
.
I dont want to be near anyone rn
If im being honest.
Family wants to watch a movie
Play pretend the “happy family”
Im tired.
I wish i hadnt said id go down

[8pm]
Craving
Did it earlier in shower
Easier to do stys there
Water pounding down numbs the area
Wish the house was empty
So i didnt have to worry

[26th of feb]

Yknow
I wish i could claim ive been suffering
these past 10 days
Mother and i did talk
It was a healthy one
Wether what we talked about
Will happen?
I doubt it
I hope shes trying
But whatever
The reason why she doesnt take it “seriously”
Is cause she deals with similar
Emphasis on SIMALAR
Its not the same
Just cause one person deals with Sui thoughts
Doesnt mean their experience with those thoughts are the same
As another person with sui thoughts

Anyway
Things have been OK
Good almost
Well
Sorta
If you ignore the day where
I was on the verge of tears cause of my diet the whole time
And likely and am in the middle of a depressive/adhd paralysis episode
And being mildly suicidal in the 1-2 hour ride home from an event
Oh, and nigh crippling social anxiety
That i apparently have

But i got to climb a tree today!!
And hang up a swing on it!!
I was outside!
And feeling great!
So what if im a bit scraped up?
Ive done worse to myself
I can handle a few scrapes
that barely even draw blood
I need better upper arm strength
Luckily i need to take down and put up
the swing each time its used
Maybe i cn convince my older sister
to go to the gym with me
Once she’s done with college work for the year

[28th of Feb, 9am]
So i gained a volume of Edgar Allan Poe’s greatest works
…
It contained a brief biography
And a collection of letters he wrote
Ngl
He probably was borderline
“His own life, which was a sequence of tragic events and frequent abandonments”
Not sure what “laudanum” is
But it was something that had to be “Rejected from the stomach” - Poe
(Typing up shaw here, quote from google: “Laudanum, or tincture of opium (a mixture of opium and alcohol), was used as early as the 1600s as an analgesic.”)
The man was suicidal
His own words: “I am so ill– so Terribly, hopelessly ill in body and mind, that i cannot live…”
Mental illness has always existed
By this i mean that people from as far back as the beginning of our society
Have been mentally ill
Just because they didnt have the words to explain it
Didnt mean it didnt exist

But are we, the modern mentally ill, any better off?
I dont think so
But that just my opinion
For borderlines at least

When i die
Regardless of whether i become a famous writer/artist/poet
Or i end up a crumbling brick in the wall
I want to have a volume of these rants to leave behind
A lot of them are written down
But i would say that half of them are not anywher but the thread
Would one say this is a diary?
Maybe
But a diary is intended to be private
This is not
This is intended to be seen
…eventually at the very least

[28th 10am]
Its been a year since i started the redlines
Feels like forever when looking ahead
But only a drop of time when looking back
Theyve trailed downward
From my shoulder to my bicep
Its awfully easy to do baby stys
In the shower at least
I rely prant outside of the shower
Too much cleanup between strokes
I unplugged my beelights and hung a blanket over my window
I sleep in complete darkness now
It help me not do redlines at night
Cause i cant see
.
.
.
I hate how im doing better
(stability wise)
Without contact to bestie
Or at least
I seem better
No clue if i actually am
.
.
.
Going to co-op didnt affect me as much
The ups and down arent THAT bad
Heh
As i write that i feel my mood going down
.
.
.
Nah im ok
I think
I dont know anymore
Damn my handwriting sucks XD

[29th of Feb]
Saw bestie
They made me cookies!
No clue why mine are more like peanut brittle
Anyway
Last time i saw them was 12 days ago
When i used my sui backup plan
Which we made so i didnt commit
Im glad i got to see them today
We talked
Caught up on events
Hugged
I dont know what to feel
Happy?
Guilty?
…worried?
I feel a bit numb currently
Im not suidical
But every shower i take
My shoulder weeps red
And my brush grows more darring
I really shouldn’t have given the game back
Fuck
Why’d i do that?
Now theres nothing tying me to themm physically
It feels like a “farewell” thing to do
I wish i could mark up my forearms
Maybe ill move to my thighs
Oh shit
I think
Ithink my shoulder is number than the other from the cutting
Fuck
Maybe it wasntthe watter
Maybe it was the fact that ive gone over the same spot so many damn times
Its not like its NUMB
But it doesnt hurt as much if i scratch it with my fingernails

Im over reacting
And misinterpreting
Im just finding something to panic about right now
Fuck i wanna take another shower just so i can cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Heh my hand writing makes that word look like “out”
Why does my mind wander like this
I dont want to die
But damn
Hanging myself sounds so tempting
Doesnt help that i like the feeling of constriction
I wanna cutttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
>:[
Ill just draw Big
Work these cravings out on him
[gonna insert photo of the rant page once i get my phone back]
Well shit
Im getting good at drawing
Shirtless men XD
Not sure how?
I like drawing shoulders and chests now XDDDD
Not like- THAT kind of liking to draw it
Its just really fun to stretch my creative muscles
And draw, well, Muscles!
Instead of hiding behind clothing for poses
Well its that and that i cant really draw scars
Without taking clothes off the character
Drawing a heavily marked up Big is…
Satisfying?
Vindicating?
…relatable?
Theres a reason i joke about taking my feelings out on Big
Or turning to writing/drawing about Big and Ritz when i feel destructive
I feel a disconnect if i were to draw myself for the stuff i put big through
This guy is… more ME than me i suppose.
I wouldnt ever use him as a sona to represent myself though
Cause of the FICTIONAL life he has
He is my emotion deposit though
Ritz too i suppose
He’s the side of me i dont like
Morally i mean
Well, ritz is more of a… manifasation of my bad side
The side that longs to destroy and abuse for fun
Albiet, myself
If you continue with the fact that Big is also a projection of me

Who the fuck am i?
Who is this bitch staring back at me in the mirror?
____? Shaw? Shawn?
Big? Ritz? Fall? Autumn? Holly? Sam?
All these Bits and Pieces scattered about
Ive lost myself
In theses creations of mine
Fucken fuck

 

[Shawdios]

So a solar eclipse is gonna happen on the 8th
And its gonna be visible from my backyard
Fuck im excited
Im not religious
But i would say i do have spirituality
Just not in any specific god or whatever
I can only imagine
what the people who didn’t understand the science
behind an eclipse thought
I can imagine the oddities of society
finding religion in the event

Makes me think about my world building
Ive had a character make an off hand comment
That theres two moons
It was a random detail i pulled up on the spot
But wouldn't eclipses happen a lot more frequently with two moons?
Maybe one of the moons is fairly large in size
And covers the sun a lot more
How would the porcilavians react?
The ones with a religion based around Light and Dark?
Scared?
Awe?
There’d sure as hell be folk-stories about it
The totality path lasts longer with a larger moon size
So maybe instead of a few minutes in the best optimal path
Its ten?
Or twenty?
The Dark of the second Dawn
Wondrous.
And with their longer lifespans
they’d be able to experience more than one eclipse
Oooo Jeff.
He’s made of shadows
He’d enjoy it.
Being able to safely and freely stand outside during the day
I need to include an eclipse in Revo.
With a cult based around light
It’d be a wonderful plot device
OH
I KNOW.
Autumn experienced an eclipse.
THEN decided to paint his room black
In an effort to replicate the emotions during it
There.
Gives him a reason to believe in the Dark
Dont think ive ever mentioned it
But he believes in the Dark existing
And is however
a skeptic about “light entities” existing
Even though he’s an enforcer

Ah there we go
He had the connections to become an enforcer
Because of his skepticism of Lights
but solid belief in a Dark
He just played it off as the reverse
for the sake of getting the job

There isn’t any entities in the worldbuilding
But characters have their own beliefs
Jeff is the closest to a “Shade form of the Dark”
That exists

Anyway theres a solar eclipse happening on the 8th
Gonna be out on the swing the whole afternoon
Having the closest to a “spiritual” experience that i’ll probably ever have

 

[Shawdios]

So.
Yeah.
Aroallo.
Sounds bout right.
No real preference to any specific gender or whatever
Romance is ew
And i'm perfectly fine without a partner
Best friends are enough for me
But uh yeah
The Deed? letz go
If the person be down for it
Im down for it

Damn i wish i could go work out somewhere
I wanna be stronger
Be able to lift damn tables at co-op
Pick up more than one fucken chair
Or deadlift milk jugs XD
I wanna be more masculine looking
Body wise
Muscles tend to help for that right?
I wanna be able to easily scale rock walls
Lift full deep sized supers of honey
Mother pulled down a bike for my lil sister
Maybe i can go ride that more

I need a haircut
Hair is dragging against my shoulders

Wish my voice was a little deeper
Not this weird inbetween pitch
I wonder what someone would assume i was based off my voice alone?
Ew i just found the one livestream i did with voice
Its so bad in quality
Im oddly breathy when i speak
Lotta vocal fry
Sometimes im too quiet or i mumble
Resulting in the vocal fry
Its also from two years ago so…
Not a lot of confidence back then
Sometimes im super squeaky
My pitch raises when im nervous so yayyyy

Would anyone here ever want to see my art process?
I used to do a lot of voiceless art streams
Maybe i can start doing those again but non-voiceless
Buy myself a better mic
Use the better computer
Finish making that v-tuber model id been working on
Hm
I’d have to ask my parents
I’m more mature now
One year left yk?

 

[Shawdios]

I wanna ramble about mental health

But I don’t have any friends I feel comfortable rambling about that to

Well

There’s bestie

But we can’t text each other

And so it feels different

Mind you

I’m doing okay

I just wanna ramble about my life perspective

How I don’t really empathize

But I do know the social expectations of certain things

And so I give the proper response

And where the only way I DO empathize

Is in situations where I’ve already experienced it

It’s coming up a lot with this freshman I’m trying to be friends with

She perfers phone calls to texting

So yeah we’re talking more verbally

And I feel bad about not really connecting with the situations she gossips to me about

Like yeah okay this guy is a dry texter

And you think he’s not into you despise saying he is



I don’t know what the proper response is that doesn’t make me the asshole

“Hate it when people are dry texters, that sucks girl”

Is what I replied to the ranting

Cause I personally do not like dry texters because I can’t tell if I’m annoying to them

But I have no clue what that’s like in a romantic context

So I just act like a spring board and echo people’s words back to them

Oh your dog died?

Rip, that sucks. Seriously man. Hope you’re okay.

I reply that way because I know im supposed to give a sympathetic response.

Maybe there’s a little bit of empathy

I’d hate it if my pet died

But I’d be okay mostly

I’d learn to live without them in my life schedule



It’s same with people talking about their looks

I give the socially expected response

“You look great!”

Because I don’t want to drag anyone down

I don’t want to be cruel

I certainly could be if I wanted to

I could disregard all social norms

Do whatever I damn well pleased

But I don’t want to be hated.

I don’t want to be the Evil person in someone’s life.

Whether that’s because I care more about proving people wrong than how people feel

Or because I’m a good person and don’t want to hurt people because I know what it’s like to be hurt

I care a lot about how people view me

I want to be on everyone’s good side.

There’s only a few people I CARE a LOT about the mental and physical well being of

My little sister and Bestie.

I feel concern for people who show concerning traits





Do I feel empathy?

Am I just trying to absorb the mental disorders I fixate on researching?

Fuck

Am I?

I don’t fucking know

I’m fake as fuck

I don’t know who the hell I am

I can’t name any fucking feeling

Physical or mental

What are friends?

How do you define a friend?

DEFINE FRIEND.

WHAT DEPTH OF RELATIONSHIP IS FRIEND?

Someone you are honest with and care about?

I don’t

I don’t know

Do flower and poet consider me a friend?

Freshman does, I think?

I don’t know

I don’t know

All I know is that I don’t understand.

And that I’m damaged in some way.

Fuck.

 

[Shawdios]

I finally got to have a friend over at my house.
But yet.
I feel the worst I’ve ever felt since February.
I’ve relapsed pretty badly
I’m actively excusing myself from social situations
So that I can go paint
Hell right now I’m hidding in a stall
Holding down a paper towel as I type
Potential stayed over last night
And we slept on the couches downstairs
And before she came over
We talked about what I had noticed back when co-op was still going
She admitted to it being SH
And after we were told to go to bed
We ended up talking about it
And having a really deep conversation
About how
About why
What our experiences with it were

But now I feel horrible.
I woke up just feeling off
About the whole situation
And I’ve felt like shit the entire morning
The entire afternoon
And now the entire evening
I SHed in the shower I took this morning
I SHed this afternoon at her friend’s house
And now Ive SHed this evening at youth group

I don’t
I don’t know why I’m feeling shitty
I don’t want her to be another Toxic.
I seriously don’t fucking want her to be
But
She’s starting to act like her
With mean “jokes” and shit
And we don’t have any interests in common
And now I’ve gone and snapped and sworn at her
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck
Fuck

I’ve moved to my hips.
Btw.
Cause I don’t wanna mark my shoulder up anymore
Too risky
And chest risks staining my bras
And is more inconvenient to paint on when out of the shower
I don’t wanna die
I’m making that clear
I’m not suicidal rn
I’m just being destructive
And I don’t know why.

Flower doesn’t text me back
And Poet I don’t feel comfortable telling this stuff to
Bestie, and Waffle I don’t wanna burden further
Even though they’re gonna read this
So that’s counterproductive to say
I was hesitant to even rant here
Because I know they read this
Fuck
I don’t wanna go back out there
I don’t wanna have to put on a smile right now
Nor do I wanna admit to Potential why i don’t wanna go out there
.
.
.
Well I told her I didn’t wanna go out there
But not why
I don’t know what to do
If I put down this phone I might paint
.
.
.
I’m home now
I feel dead on my feet
I’m tired
Emotionally
Mentally
And physically
I feel kinda blank
But also like I’d cry if someone confronted me
If they pushed for the truth and refused the fake answers
I don’t really know what disassociating feels like
But I think I came close to the feeling of it
The blank shut off and tune out I’ve heard it described as
I felt a bit like I was on autopilot
My body was present but my mind was racing
Racing through the details of today and how I’ve been feeling
Racing through the what ifs around the new friend i was making tonight and Potential’s comments about us being embarrassing
Racing with fear because I’ve had three painting sessions today
Racing with guilt for a countless amount of things

Not gonna off myself
But I might be drawing some more Autumn|Fall angst
Listen to his playlists
Then lay in my bed and voice act when I have to go to bed