Journal Vent Space: if you relate, lets cry together

[Shawdios]

I’m homeschooled.

Not onlineschooled like all of the public schoolers during the pandemic that say “oh yeah im homeschooled!” No. You are not homeschooled. You are onlineschooled. I am homeschooled.

me being homeschooled meaning, teaching myself from a textbook handed to me by my mother, or going to a co-op once a week with other homeschoolers thats run by other homeschooler parents to be taught subjects you cant teach yourself or be taught by your parrents.

i am sick of lighting up when i hear someone online proclaim they are homeschooled, only to deflate when they say “yeah, i did a bunch of online classes over the lockdowns“ im sick of having the media represent us as “weird, quirky, and misfit” and never showing the actual homeschooling and only “oh i was homeschooled for most of my life, but now I’m going to public school! Hope i make friends!”

Im sick of public schoolers saying that we have it lucky. im fucking sick of it. We are more isolated than you will ever know, you think the pandemic lockdown in 2020 was bad? Imagine that lockdown being your entire life. (Im speaking from my experience, other homeschoolers may have it differently, but in general we don’t get to socialize as much as public schoolers) it is lonely as fuck.

we get mental illnesses just like you, we get bullied too (albeit not as much, i wont deny that) we can have shit parents too. But oh wait. Shit parrents! The people who are the ones fucking teaching you when you are homeschooled. You at least have the reprieve of going to school, getting away and hanging out with friends. You have that ability to have a sigh of relief. Or maybe school is just as bad, i wont invalidate that, maybe you dont get a sigh of relief, maybe you dont have friends at school. Maybe school is worse than the shit at home. To which i offer you a hug, i feel you, you deserve rest.

but everyone else? Fuck you. Don’t you dare say i have it easier.

 

[Shawdios]

So i feel like I’m possessive and restrictive to the few friends i have. I feel like i drag them down.

i dont make friends easily and when i click with someone i get too attached.

RPimg doesn’t help this problem with how much people like to ghost. I get attached to a rp and then when my rp partner goes silent, i cling and check obsessively for a response or sign that they’re online. Hell i fucking stalk anyone who takes interest in my threads, ill check out your profile and snoop around in your post areas. Its not good. I know that. But im so fucking desperate for interaction on any level. Just seeing someone look at my stuff sends me dopamine.

this is a huge fucking problem i cant fix. Im still a minor with no control over anything. I cant send myself to therapy. I cant talk to the friends that mean something to me and havent left due to long periods of (unwilling, parrent caused) radio silence.

and its worse now that its the holiday Break. im stuck at home till my co-op starts back up again (in January) and i get the little social interaction of hanging out with aquantences from it.

im not allowed a phone, and im banned from talking to people online. Obviously im breaking those rules for the sake of my own sanity. Cause i honestly couldn’t survive without the interaction i get from online friends or talking online.

lets make a list of ways you can get social interaction shall we?

seeing/hanging out with friends irl (X) (gas, and you kinda need to be invited first)
talking to friends on the phone (X) (who is willing to do that anymore?)
talking to online friends (X) (stranger danger, they’ll groom you, figure out your address, and you’ll get abucted)
going out and meeting new people (X) (gas prices are insane)
Social media (X) (not allowed to have any but tumblr, and thats only for posting art)
texting friends (X) (no smart phone)
talking to family (Yes) (but lets be honest, you can only take so much of just your family for so long)

now where am I socializing? (Over the break, thats not family) Where in the world is the socializing that i, a human, a social creature, need to stay sane coming from?

nowhere. Its coming from nowhere. its why i am obessive with checking for messages. Its why i get so happy when i see a notification on this site. its why i stalk forums and online statuses. Its why i figure out when my partners tend to be online so i can respond as fast as i can.

hell, its why i started this thread. In hopes that i can scream into the fucking void and maybe, just maybe hear someone scream the fuck back.

 

[Shawdios]

My apologies for continuous posts, but i just keep spiraling every time i finish the previous.

i suspect i ether have adhd or i am on the autism spectrum. Every time i think ive figured it out i discover something that helps the case of the other. Hell i might be both, thats a thing.

but i feel im just making excuses. I feel that im just desperately scrambling for a way to stand out and get some form of attention with this. Its why i dont talk about it anywhere, i dont want it to become an attention seeking thing. I just want to find out what the hell is wrong with me.

both effect your executive functions which is why its so hard to figure out which i have. I stim a lot, in various forms and im very forgetful. But that might be from having a repetitive life. Instructions are hard to remember, don’t give me a list longer than three. I dont get a lot of social cues, but that might be from being a homeschooler. (In argument of the homeschooling bit, there are homeschoolers that are perfectly fine on a social level) i go non verbal and find it hard to form words when upset. I burst like a balloon when upset as well, and ive likely had a melt down but just cant figure out what it was. I have a hard time empathizing, which is called low empathy and does not mean im emotionless and dont care, i just have a hard time expressing Emotions. I have a hard time naming feelings and putting feels to words.

I Took an online screening test (that’s supposed to help you figure out whether to go and try for a diagnosis) for ASD and recived the result that im likely to be on the spectrum. However, i dont have the same experiences as other people with ASD I’ve met, so im still on the fence. friends without ASD say i probably have ADHD, but friends with ASD say i probably am on the spec.

meanwhile my depressive moods mess with all of this and leave me questioning everything.

so, im kinda settling on both for the time being. But only giving out the ADHD part till i can go and get a true diagnosis. i just know im not normal.

 

[Shawdios]

So, i am currently running a fever. I have been since this morning (its night time where i am now) and im tired. My two siblings, one older, one younger, both don't care. (Im likely exaggerating, im just upset rn, the older one is still sick, which is who i caught it from)

i hate how my problems dont matter to them. Which, is partly my fault i think. I tend to suck up my issues, physical and mental, and push through whatever i need to do. So over time ive made this unwavering front of “im fine, i dont havve any issues, ill get the job done” (yet ive also got the rep of half assing things, it’s complicated) so, now when i do have discomfort, its assumed to be fake. And unless it makes me physically unable to do things, i have to ignore it.

For example: A few days ago, my little sibling (11 years old, almost 12) gets a scrape on their knee, is bleeding but not all that serious, and ends up able to lounge on the couch all day because they have a low pain tolerance. Meanwhile, the same day, i trip and fall in the parcore course that is the garage while getting out burger buns for dinner from the freezer in there. I could have broken my leg, foot, neck, or arm, and I definitely went back into the house with forming bruses. I get very little sympathy from siblings and mother. if i hadn’t said anything about falling, i would have gotten none, and no one would have noticed i was in pain.

i literally am more likely to swear then cry if im hurt. if i scream or am in tears from pain? My family knows shit is bad and ill get their help. My mother is more kind in this aspect, as much as i dont want to compliment her, but she does tend to be more caring then my siblings are when im in pain.

Today: Ive got a head spilting headache and am woozy when i stand, im getting snapped at for not doing my chores by the older sibling. The only one who really cares is my mother, in her mothering hen way when we’re sick. So my mother snaps at older sibling, but i can‘t really hold a lot against my older sibling, we’re the same way and we both don’t like the other when we cant suck up everything. Both of us are in pain, but im the one in worse condition, so they end up doing my chores.

im still pissed off though, because our little sibling gets a free pass for eveything when they have the slightest discomfort and i have to pick up the slack all alone now. Anyway enough of this rant.

 

[Shawdios]

ayo, this rant is in the style of songs by The Narcissist Cookbook, (go listen to gendered teddy by them and you'll get it)


When i was nine years old,
I snuck and stole the old ipad my family had and never used
I hid it in my room and I got away with secretly using it for two whole weeks
before i fucked up and was caught on it.

This.

This was the start of a downward spiral,
Every opportunity I had to sneak onto a device and use it, I could
And every time, I was caught.
I never learned the lesson to just, Stop.
Every time I saw an opportunity, I had to take it.
And I still was caught in the end.

I felt like a puppet on strings.
I couldn't say no to it.
I fought with myself so many times
So, so many times
And I couldn't ever overcome the urge to take.
The joy of the internet was so rewarding that it was worth the yelling

I would spend my time playing io games and app games
Eventually stumbling upon a roleplay site at the age of 10ish.
This changed everything
I wasn't just playing games anymore, I could write and partake in stories!
The stories in my head that i would act out all the characters’ part of in real life
could now be shared with another person!

Fast forward to when I was inevitably caught again.
This time being yelled at and the device of the month being taken away hurt more.
I was yelled at for talking to strangers online
For risking my sisters to being abducted
Because people could hunt you down and find where you live
Because people would manipulate you and get your address from the little details in small talk

It didn't make sense to me.
It didn't scare me
Looking back, it still doesn't,
So i continued sneaking onto roleplay sites

And every time, I was caught eventually.
And the yelling would come.
At the time i didn't know why i did this,
I didn't want to get yelled at and i knew that sneaking would get me yelled at
But i couldn't stop myself from moving and grabbing the devices

So, at this point i learned not to defend myself or try to explain
It would only make her yell for longer
I was never hurt.
I want to make that very clear.
Nothing was ever thrown at me
I was never hit.

But I was punished.
After around a year of the same cycle of sneaking and getting caught,
My mother decided I needed to know why it was such a danger.
Since apparently nothing else was getting through to me.
So i was sat down with my older sister and my dad and we watched a documentary on sex traficing.

I was 12. Or 11, i'm not sure anymore. But i was just starting 7th grade i believe.
It didn't show private parts, but it was heavily implied what went on
And do you know what i felt?
Curiosity.
I viewed it like a story was being told to me.
We didn't end up watching the whole thing
And the one thing i remember
was being upset that i didn't get to find out how the documentary was going to end,
but not showing that because i knew that wasn't what i was supposed to feel

Which, in my defense, I should have realized was a sign earlier.

Im probably autistic
Im probably autistic

My sister jokes about it every other day
And I should have realized sooner
But when i was younger i was “too smart” for someone to say

Im probably autistic
Im probably autistic

I flap my hands rambling on an on
fixating on weird topics no one ever dares to portray

My sister jokes about it every other day
And well, I should have realized sooner
But my “quirks” were too unquestioned for someone to say

Im probably autistic
Im probably autistic

I can't name my feelings
Or express them in healthy ways

My sister jokes about it every other day
I should have realized it sooner
But things were too okay for me to say

Im probably autistic
Im probably autistic

I should have realized it sooner
But now my problems make it obvious for me to say

...

I likely have ASD
Which stands for Autisim spectrum disorder
and is heavily surrounded with ableist stigma against it.
It was so hard to find a way to tell i had it
Because all the sites I went to were directed towards parents with an autistic child,
or a fully grown adult.

Not to mention I had no way to send myself to a therapist for a screening as a teenager due to being homeschooled.
I also had no way to relate to the school setting related questions either.

But i knew, i knew that something was wrong with me.
I would obsess over topics and learn everything i could about them
Spewing the information back out
To anyone who would fucking listen

I had a hard time keeping friends
And a hard time giving comfort or showing the right emotion to someone going through shit
I can't hold back from smiling even though i shouldn’t be
I freeze up and cant speak when stressed
I didn't like crowds because i couldn’t tune out other people's conversations
I fixated on the robotic or “weird” characters in shows

Hell, i wished i were a transformer because i felt like i would belong
I wished I were an android or AI because I hated being a human
I hated being a fleshy organic thing that needed to eat and drink
I hated not understanding the other people of a species i was supposed to belong to

All i cared for was learning
Learning how the world and people worked so I could fit in.
So i wasn't the quiet teen in the corner no one wanted to talk to
When I was a toddler I was apparently so quiet and content playing by myself that my mother had to check I hadn't died.

So many things are different about me
And all i got in return for trying my best to be normal was shouting
Or when it reached a breaking point.

and I call it the “you’re fucked up speech”
I’ve heard it twice.
Once when i was young i don't remember my age but before double digits i think
And the other when i was 14
I had fixated on researching Cults, and I had left open a tab on a video that was satirically telling the viewers about cults.
“Why in hell would you find this interesting! This is disturbing!”
Then they looked through my art.
“Why did you draw this? Why do you draw such dark things? This guy is bleeding everywhere, why did you draw this?!”

At this point I knew I was messed up,
I had been told this before from my mother.
and I could tell by how people looked at me when I rambled about dark things
But the second time,
my dad was there as well.
He agreed with her.
And it shattered my view of him.
I thought he didnt think me obsessing over dark things was bad,
I thought he didn't care about that.
He had always defended me against my mother before.

Parents arent perfect.
They aren't, they’re human.
I don't hold that against them.
But that was when I realized I didn't know people.




I would like to note that, me and my parents have a complicated relationship. We have (somewhat) made up about my dark art and writing, with mild jokes about me being the next Steven king. It was joked a lot when I was younger that I'd grow up to be a serial killer. This was genuinely said to me by my mother and a few times by my dad, it fucked me up inside a bit. Cause I was actually curious about death and what it felt like to die or kill someone, I can list off many ways someone could get killed and how to get away with it. There is a reason I dont call her 'mom' and call her Mother, its not out of respect, but out of lack of closeness.

She wasn't absentee--- i'm homeschooled for fucks sake, someone had to teach me--- I just dont see her the same as I do my dad. Though I have my issues with him, we get along better and I have more happy memories with him than my mother.

 

[Shawdios]

I can't understand how quickly people let go
My mother would yell at me for one thing,
Then id think i’d piss her off again if i asked to do something
Because she’s obviously mad at me isnt she?

But, Let's say i was yelled at for staying up for too long writing
And when i work up the nerve,
To ask if i can use the computer to write again,
“Yes, of course you can!”
Is her response,
And I'm left confused.
But then in a different circumstance,
Like with watching TV
“No, you’re still in trouble”
And it never makes sense.

I get yelled at for not asking before I use things,
but when I do ask, I'm told
“Of course you can!”
which doesn't make sense to me.
I thought she already gave me the green light?
Or I use the thing I ask for, for too long.
You never said I had a limit!
I was given permission to use it,
‘Why am i getting yelled at’
‘I'm confused’

Or, i’m asked to do something.
But i did it wrong apparently
One instance that i remember was the time i was told to preheat the oven for the chicken
Every other time, that meant 350 degrees fahrenheit,
But this time, I hadn't known I was supposed to check the box of what we were making for the temperature.
So i was yelled at by my older sister, told i was stupid,

“Dumbas, why didn’t you check the box?!”
‘You said chicken! How was I supposed to know!’
“You’re always supposed to check the box! You’re so stupid!”
‘YOU SAID CHICKEN AND CHICKEN NEEDS 350!’
“YEAH BUT IF YOU CHECKED THE BOX YOU WOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER”

Mind you.
Our family calls each other stupid
and makes fun of eachother all the time.
Me included.
Is that healthy? Probably not.
But it was normal,
That time it hurt though
Because she gave me instructions and I did them the best I could with what I knew.
But that wasn't enough and i got blamed even though she didnt give me enough information to do it properly.
Im called stupid if i ask for more instructions than just that
Im called stupid if i improvize with what i was told and get it wrong
I can't win at this fucking game

 

[Shawdios]

One thing that can set me off is someone cutting off what im talking about with
“Shut up, i don't care” or a variation of it
And continuing to repeat it as I start speaking again.
It hits me somewhere deep inside
And i tend to react violently
My older sister tends to be the one who sets me off with this the most
And I've shoved her, thrown something at her, smacked her, etc, because of it.
I don't know why being cut off repeatedly makes me turn to violence
It takes everything in me to swallow the hurt and rage so i don't lash out
Most of the time it doesn't work


I think i react this way because
You won't let me speak
You won't let me defend myself
You won't let me explain
words obviously aren’t working
I can't get you to stop cutting me off with words
So I turn to a physical solution.

I also think it hurts and sets me off so much because i wasn't listened to a lot
When my mother would yell and i defend myself with words
I struggled to get my point across
And she would jump to conclusions
And she would cut me off without letting me finish trying to get my point across
Words wouldn't work in that situation.
I couldn't explain to her why i did things
Cause i didn't know why i did them ether
In her words, ‘“i don't know’ was your favorite phrase”

And i had to know, didn’t i?
“You couldn't have not had a reason for doing ____”
Couldn't i?
Im 10, i was never taught how to handle emotions or urges other than being yelled at.

“Why did you ____?”
“Why didn't you ____?”
“Why would you ____?”
“Tell me why”
Fucking “WHY”
Was her favorite question to ask me
Which i had no answer for
Cause “I don't know” isn't an acceptable answer

 

[Shawdios]

NOTE:

I get really dark this time, so im putting it in a spoiler for those who may not want to read this for the sake of their mental health.

I describe various ways to kill yourself, some of which are pretty in depth, a past (and the only) attempt of mine, along with a little tangent on depression.

so again, warning for that.

the overall topic of this is suicide, you've been warned.

if any of this bothers you, please do not read. I dont want to cause anyone's breakdown or dark thoughts.

(I would also like to note that I'm not planing on killing myself, I just need to get this ramble/rant out of my system)

Spoiler

Y’know, ive thought about it

Killin myself

(Ooooo so melodramatic, I know)

And, no, i dont wish to kill myself right now, dont worry,

It's just,
There’s an oc of mine that i was thinking about,
At a certain point of his story,
He’s suicidal,
And it's hard to RP him that way,

Not cause it doesn't fit his personality,
It does, it very much does,
or that I dont know how to write it,
I do, too much so, that's the problem.

It reminds me too much of myself,
A lot of the character reminds me of myself,
But he’s not me,
He’s just got a little piece,
The other bits remind me of my mother,
that's a whole other ball of wax,

can you tell I like to psychoanalyze myself using how I write my OC's?

Anyway,
I once had a breakdown while RPing him a few years ago,
(He was actively trying to kill himself, and was being stopped)
Cause it made me think of a time when i was younger

I had just been yelled at for around three-ish hours for RPing on a site
And, i remember crying and telling my little sister-
Who had the bad luck to check on me,
-To get me a knife,

She actually got it for me,
She was six or seven years old,
She had no clue why i would want it,
But got it for me anyway cause she trusted me,

My older sister wasn't as naive,
I think she saw my younger sister enter my room with it,
I don't know,
i either never found out or forgot how she knew,
But she snatched it from me,
And i distinctly remember her terrified face,

She told me to never do what she knew i was gonna do,
And that she had friends who wanted the same,
Then she left my 10 or 11 year old self to their numbness,

That is the closest i ever came to doing it.
Cause every now and then,
I do think about how i could kill myself,

About how easy it would be to open my window,
Tie my hands behind my back,
And sit on the sill,
before leaning and losing my balance,

Or about how i could use a purse strap and my bedroom door to hang myself,
How I could break my mirror and cut an artery with the shards,
Or take all the medication in the kitchen cupboard that's there for emergencies,

I could do it any which way i imagine,
Doesn't mean I will.

Ill never get any place past thinking about it,
I'm too much of a coward to do it.

But

That time when i was younger,
I don’t know if i wouldn’t have done it if i wasn’t stopped,
And that scares me,

It scares me cause i know i get depressed,
I know, because i push people away and curl up in my bed
I know, because everything becomes so hard to do,
I know, because i cry for no goddamn reason at these times
And sometimes, i do know the reason,

But i lose all my motivation,
I lose all satisfaction from things,
I lose wanting.
Sleep and music is all i need when im like this,
Food is a frivolity

though, I do get better with time,
I find my motivation again,
I talk to my friends,
I laugh,

I cry,
It’s just so hard to re-find that and feel better when i live the way i do,
And i fear that i'll approach that line
And cross it with no one to stop me one day,

But that’s not today,
And that oc isn’t a “sad emo boy uwu angsty”
No,
He’s a person beat down by circumstance and life,
Who just wants to be with his brothers.
And that's where mine and his motivations differ,
But they still are similar,

He has the hesitation,
The knowledge of how,
And constant thinking of how,
But never having the guts,
The want to be happy again,
but being unable to,
And instead deciding to stop hurting,
The frustration of having a “but there’s so much to live for!” speech thrown in your face,
with the same person completely disregard your reasons and refuse to listen.

But also wanting to be with someone who you believe to be dead,
That’s not something me and the character share,

But it’s how his story gets better,
his brothers aren’t dead,
he just believes them to be,
So when he finds them,
he loses the motivation for dieing,

Doesn't mean “Yay! He’s cured of bad thoughts!”
That’s not how it works,
There’s still issues that need healing,
But he regrets thinking the way he did and occasionally still does,
and eventually feels better than he did,

I would like to reiterate im not suicidal,
I was, but I plan on living, RPing, and doing art for a long time.

thank you for reading, and I hope that if anyone feels how I did, that you find a kindred soul in me and comfort in knowing you are not alone.

 

[Shawdios]

I never realized just how much I draw upon myself for my writing.


This is something i wrote for a creative writing assignment,

Spoiler

The sun began to set over the town of Flurmere. Flurmere was populated by a winged race and a child of this race sat on a roof humming a tune as he watched the setting sun. Singing and performing was this boy's passion. But most of the other townspeople frowned upon his passion, saying that it was a waste of time and energy and that he should focus on other things. He didnt care what they thought of it, singing brought him joy.

“Flame! Come inside!” Called a voice from below. The boy halted his tune and leaned forward, angled down towards the voice.

“Be right there!” He called back before turning his focus to the sunset again. It was almost over and Flame wanted to finish watching it. The breeze was chilly, even through his crimson sweater, and there looked like thick snow clouds blowing in from the north. The prospect of a town wide snowball fight on its way made Flame smile.

The sun touched the horizon just as he heard the sound of someone landing beside him. This person was his twin Icey and he was identical to Flame, the only things differentiating the two were their outfits.

“Auti can't start dinner till you light the stove, you know he never gets it to work without your magic.” Icey huffed, crossing his arms. Flame let out a sigh.

Flame started to protest, “Can't sammy—“ but was cut off by his twin's clipped response.

“He already tried, didn't work, now sleeping off the drain”

Yeesh, Icey must be pretty tired if he’s only using the bare minimum of words.

“Ok, ok, geez, I'm coming, don't get your wings in a twist” Flame grumbled, making a show of standing up. Icey rolled his eyes, vaguely amused, before throwing open his wings and gliding down to the ground. Flame gave a glance at the forest to the north and the oncoming clouds as he jumped down from the roof.

=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=

Later, after dinner was finished, eaten, and cleaned up, Flame pulled on his winter coat and snuck out. Snowflakes lazily drifted down as he headed to the one place that let him perform and sometimes even pay him when the crowd was large enough.

He greeted the tavern owner and pulled himself up and onto the small stage. A gleeful grin crept onto his face as he began his usual set of songs. But panic threatened to overtake Flame while he started the last song. Autumn was at the edge of the crowd. Flame hadn't expected his older brother to peek into the tavern, now he was going to be in a heap of trouble for sneaking out.

He continued the song, playing off the stumble his panic caused as intentional and swept into a twirl. Then, even though Flame was hesitant to finish the song, he ended the performance anyway and hopped off stage. Once offstage, Autumn immediately rounded on him.

“What in the name of Light are you doin’ here?!” He hissed to Flame while pulling him outside.

“I'm singing!” Flame nervously grinned, “and sometimes getting paid too!” Hopefully he wouldn't get in too much trouble if he made sure his brother knew it was basically a job. Flame shivered at the cold, his coat was still inside the tavern.

Autumn rose a doubtful brow, “At a tavern?” he questioned.

“Yeah…? I'm not drinking anything” Flame answered with mild confusion. Where else was he supposed to sing for a crowd? And, other than the fact that he had snuck out, what was the issue as long as he wasn't drinking alcohol?

Autumn moved his glasses up and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“You are twelve, you shouldn't be hangin’ around taverns at all! let alone at night,” he countered. The expression on Autumn’s face was complicated and confusing, Flame couldn't read anything from it other than that his older brother was upset.

Flame shrunk in on himself. It didn't make sense why being at a tavern was bad even if he didn't drink anything. A gleam of recognition flashed in his older brother’s eyes.

“Speakin’ of which, you’re grounded for two months” Autumn added, his tone seeming to hint that the punishment was non-negotiable. But Flame didn't really catch that before his emotions flared.

“What!? Why?!” He screeched in shock. Sure he snuck out, but last time he got caught it was only a week.

“Because you snuck out and went to a tavern” Autumn snipped bitterly, but why? Why couldn't he be at a tavern? Other kids told stories of having been inside of a tavern and he’s been fine every time he's sung here. Flame didn't get it, he wasn't drinking anything. He was just singing. Two months for sneaking out to a tavern didn't make sense.

“I jus’ wanna sing for people!” Flame cried as he pulled at his hair, “It's not fair!”

He took off before his brother could respond or catch him. Everything was too much and he wanted to get away. The cold air blew against his face as he flew, Flame not caring where he ended up as long as he could be alone.

When he was calm enough to pay attention to his surroundings, there wasn't anything familiar and Flame found himself in a forest. Snow crunched under his feet as he landed and a shiver coursed through him as some got in his boots. The snow continued to fall around him and his breath clouded when he exhaled.

Wiping his hand at the remnants of inky tears on his cheeks, he wondered where exactly he was. Was he in the northern forest? He had to be, there wasn't any other forest near that tavern. All these trees looked the same and Flurmere was nowhere in sight. He was definitely lost. Flame grew anxious at that and shivered.

His sweater could only do so much against the winter’s frigid wind and his feet were practically icicles from the snow slipping down his boots with every step through the deep snow. Flame silently wished he had gotten the time to grab his coat before Autumn scolded him. The flakes of snow blown into his face stung and the wind sapped the bare warmth he had.

Surely there was something nearby? An abandoned house, a cave, maybe even a hollow log? He would take anything at this point. The unnerving sounds of creaking trees and howling wind put him on edge. Drawing his wings closer and deciding to continue forward in search of shelter, he sped his pace as much as he could.

He couldn't stay out in this snow. The increasingly strong gusts of wind threatened to blow Flame over. But luckily, it wasn't long before Flame saw the entrance to a cave. He broke into a sprint towards it as the layer of snow on the ground thinned out.

Once he made it to the cave, Flame leaned against the cave wall to catch his breath. The cave entrance was small, he could easily raise his arm and touch the top. The chill of the air dried out his throat and he debated on eating a handful of snow.

Flame took a few moments to think, but the uncomfortableness of his throat won out and he picked up a handful of snow to eat. Perpetually shivering, he scrounged through the dark area for any branches and twigs that could litter the cave. There didn't end up to be much, but he could still get a small fire going with what he found.

After arranging the fuel far away from the cave opening and the forming storm, he snapped his fingers together to let out a magical burst of sparks. The sparks lit up the cave for a second before they faded, not affecting the few twigs they fell on. He grit his teeth in frustration, the sparks didn't take a lot of energy but over time they would tire him out. He could magically form a flame, but that would quickly exhaust him if he had to keep it up.

The sparks were the safer option energy wise, but they had a very small chance of lighting the wood when compared to making a flame. With a deep inhale, he stuck his hand under the pile of sticks and lit a small flame. The leaves swiftly caught fire and the twigs soon followed. Flame pulled his hand away before the natural flames could overpower his magic and burn him.

He felt drained as he gazed around the now mildly lit up cave. There were a few larger branches that Flame could now see with the light so he stood and pulled them over. Breaking the branches into shorter segments, the fire grew as he fed it the pieces. Soon it was stably burning, so Flame pulled off his boots and set them near the fire to dry them out.

A voice of doubt whispered in his head, you know, no ones gonna find you out here in a random cave in the forest. Flame quickly stomped it down. Everything was going to be okay, Autumn probably ran after him and soon his older brother was going to catch up and take him home. Flame let out a yawn as he absorbed the heat from the fire. With his self reassurance in his head, the grounding crackle of the fire lulled him to sleep as the storm continued to rage outside the cave.




When Flame awoke it was pitch black. There was no wind blowing and it was dead quiet inside the cave. His increasingly rapid breathing being the only sound he could hear. He felt around in a blind panic for anything he could use to start the fire back up again. Feeling his hand brush something that wasn't stone, he snapped his fingers frantically so he could see what it was.

The brief light from the sparks revealed the items as a few random leaves. Flame brushed them into a pile and rapidly snapped his fingers over them in an attempt to restart the fire. Sparks fell against the damp, unaffected, leaves and Flame continued snapping for a couple seconds longer before giving up and curling around himself.

Flame sniffled, “I wanna go home..” burying his head in his knees and wrapping his wings around himself. The unresponsive, echoing, silence broke whatever was holding his tears in and he let out a wail.

He missed Autumn, Icey, and Sammy. Why did he have to run off like he did? It was such a stupid thing to do. Everything was cold and he couldn't get the fire going again. If someone told him that he could instantly be back home but be grounded for a year, he would gladly agree. Then he remembered the calming thing Autumn taught him. So, while taking deep breaths and holding them a few seconds before letting them out, he focused on the texture of his sweater and combed his fingers through a small bit of his hair.

It worked just enough for him to think clearly but he was still stuck in this cave. Why was it so dark? It surely couldn't still be night time? He just had to find the entrance again, right?

With a few last sniffles, Flame wiped his eyes and snapped his fingers for light. He noticed a few objects so he snapped his fingers a couple more times. Now with a better view, Flame realized they were his boots. Luckily they were dry from sitting in front of the fire and he eagerly slipped them back on.

As he felt his way to the entrance, Flame realized why it was so dark. The entrance was completely snowed over. He felt himself start to panic again so he repeated the calming thing.

Flame just had to dig out the snow now, that's it. He found the entance, now work on the new task. He made more sparks and looked around the cave. There were still some branches he hadn't broken up for the fire that he could use as a shovel. Once again snapping his fingers for sparks, he located one of the branches and stood determined in front of the wall of snow.

“I can do this.” Flame told himself confidently.

He started at the top and found that the snow wasn’t piled up too tall and that it was daytime. The blaring sunlight that poured through the hole he dug out made that painfully apparent. He continued to dig till there was enough space for him to climb through.

As he crawled out of the tunnel he dug, packing down snow to stand on, he faintly heard voices calling out for him in the distance. Hope now fueling him, Flame scrambled to his feet and called out for his brothers. The voices stopped and Flame’s heart fell. He called out a few more times before they started up again, this time more frequently and louder.

Two figures sped over a hill and the one decked in purple turned and picked up the one in pink before sliding down. It was Autumn and Icey. Flame stretched out his wings, waved his arms and stood on his tiptoes to get their attention as they rushed over.

“Flame? Oh sweet light, we found you!” Autumn exclaimed, sweeping him into a hug before he could respond. Icey practically tackled the two of them and Flame felt the oily slickness of past tears on his twin’s face as he was vigorously nuzzled. Flame buried his head in his older brother’s soft coat and clung tightly to both brothers.

“s’rry, Awti, ‘m s’rry,” Flame mumbled, his words were muffled from smothering his face in Autumn’s coat.

“Don't–” Autumn choked on his words but quickly recovered, ”Don't you ever run off like that again.” he finished softly, holding both Flame and Icey close.

They sat, relishing in each other's presence, till Icey spoke up.

“I'm cold” He complained, and Flame nodded in agreement. He would have agreed verbally, but his brothers felt warm and he didn't want to lose that by pulling away and un-smothering his face.

Autumn sighed, “We should get home, Sammy’s probably drivin’ Holly up a wall.”

Flame giggled at the mental image. Holly was fun to mess with and Sammy hated being left with a babysitter.

He protested when Autumn abruptly pushed him off, but then Autumn unzipped his coat, took it off, and bundled Flame in it. The fabric was warm from being worn and Flame eagerly soaked in the heat. A startled squeak escaped him as Autumn picked him up and carried him.

“Icey? You gonna be okay with flying again?” Autumn asked once he held Flame in a manageable position. Icey nodded. The mild tickle of his older brother's magic danced over Flame’s skin and he felt a lot lighter. So that's how Autumn got here without sinking into the snow.

“Well, ‘ight then, home we go!” Autumn announced, spinning on his heel. He began walking with the sun on his left while Icey took to the skies and glided southward above them. Flame settled into his brother’s hold. Despite the fact that he’d slept in the cave, using his magic and digging himself out of the cave spent the little energy he had regained from it, he fell asleep to the rhythm of Autumn’s steps and warmth of the coat.

=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=

A lurch jolted Flame awake and the first thing he noticed was the door of his family’s house.
“Sorry, steps tripped me up,” apologized his older brother, who was currently setting him down. Flame stood while Autumn unlocked the door and Icey wrapped his arms around Flame from behind. Flame let out a yawn and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, but in doing so, he was caught off guard when Icey pushed him into the house.

Then he heard a squeal and that was all the warning he got before being leapt onto and grabbed by a kid younger than him. With Icey behind him, the added support prevented him from falling over with the momentum.

“Dont ever do such a stupid ever again!!” shouted the kid currently latched onto his front. Flame gave his little brother an affectionate pat on the head and sat down to let Sammy hug him easier. Icey sat down with him and moved so he was leaning against Flame instead of behind him.

“Auti’ was freaking out this morning and came home after the sun was up, y’know.” Icey admitted in a quiet whisper, as their little brother incoherently scolded Flame. “I was really scared, you weren’t in the house an’ the snow was really thick outside.” He added, tightening his hold on Flame.

Flame felt really horrible about running off now, all of his brothers had been really worried. He could have froze to death and they would have had no clue.

“Im sorry, I promise I won't run off again, it was a really stupid thing to do,” Flame responded, to both Sammy’s scolding and Icey’s admission, while wrapping an arm around Sammy and nuzzling his hair. Flame was worried they would still be upset, but Icey and Sammy both seemed to accept the apology.

The three younger brothers then shifted into a pile with Icey curled around Flame and Sammy draped over the twins with his wings spread out. Sammy switched from scolding Flame to rambling about what he did while Holly was babysitting him.

While Sammy rattled on about what games he and Holly played, or more accurately, how he had messed with her and pushed her buttons, Flame found that he didn’t care whether or not he’d be grounded after this, he was just glad to be home with his brothers again.

And my friend asked if the main character was autistic?
The friend is autistic,
so i didn't take it as a mean comment,
but as a genuine question,
And it made me look at what i wrote with a different lens,
Cause i didn't intend for the character to come off as autistic,
I just wrote how the character was reacting,

Mind you,
i wrote the assignment before i thought of myself as autistic,
And was still on the fence about it,
So i was caught off guard by the question,
I told my friend that i hadn't realized,
and we (positively) laughed about it

But then after we went our separate ways,
I reread my story.

And the conflict in it was basically how me getting caught sneaking played out
It was a near exact copy of a thing that happened,
If you change the circumstance and characters of course,
The ending obviously didn't happen for me,
But i did run off and end up outside in the freezing cold,
Without proper winter wear for night time,
While my mother panicked (but still pissed as hell) and searched for me in the house.

And the confusion the main character had while the argument happened,
was definitely mine from in real life,
I even grew uncomfortable with how much the older brother sounded like my mother,

(note, this is the same character from the previous rant)

Cause,
He had been a character that had a very sensitive piece of me part of him
The dynamic the main character and the older brother have
Is basically a more sugar coated version of me and my mother

“Why cant i?”
“its not fair!”
“I just wanna ___!”

These were my cries when i was younger,
The fucking hair pulling the main character does,
The sneaking out,
The “maybe if ___ i wont get in too much trouble”
The “what’s the issue as long as ____”
Even the fact that i made the damn character twelve doesn’t help,
Thats me, that is my twelve year old self,

This isn't a fictional story,
This is a dramatic retelling of a traumatic event i had,
Using characters as pseudonyms for people in my life
For a fucking school assignment.

Sammy is my little sister,
Icey is (very loosely, but they have the role) my older sister,
Autumn is my fucking mother,
Flame is me,

The story ends far too happily for something i wrote doesn't it?
First, it's a school assignment,
Second, its how i wished my life had been

Wanna know how that story really ended?
Tears and avoidance.
I was yelled at some more for scaring her (mother) like that,
And the yelling for what i’d gotten in trouble for continued from where i left it,
Eventually i was dismissed to my room,
More tears fell while i stuffed myself in my closet for comfort,
Blasting my music in my headphones,
and everyone else in my family avoiding each other for the rest of the night.

Due note,
I had this realization right at co-op.
I had analyzed this writing assignment,
and realized this was me letting out trauma,
In the hallway of a church walking to my next class,
Two months ago.

Now,
the previous rant made me remember this,
So i reanalyzed it and thus
This rant.

=)

 

[Shawdios]

I dont know what to say for myself.
but I have issues.

I now see this thread as me trying to get attention

I also would like to note that I try to write out everything im feeling, and that I like being dramatic and express it with a flair.

do note that I compare emotional abuse to sexual and physical abuse in a harmful way

im aware of it. and I've tried to change how I think about it. but I can't.

I wrote the rant last night, and this note is today me cringing at myself

Spoiler

God dammit,
it's always the holidays that get me thinking about this.
But i don't get excited for things anymore

Remember when as a kid you may have been bouncing off the walls for christmas?
Or checking the clock constantly for when you’d go treat or treating?
Or, or! Counting down the days till your birthday?

I used to,
I don't anymore,
Is it cause I grew up?
I don't know,
But I miss it.

I miss being happy and excited for something.

Time flies so fast now.

Did you know?
It's been almost 3 weeks since I started this thread?
It's been a year since I first made my Angeltown Oc’s?
It's been three years since the pandemic started?

Where did the fucking time go?
Christmas is in four-ish days,
and I feel no different.
I dont feel excited for it
I didnt feel excited for halloween
I didnt feel excited for thanksgiving

My mother
*laughs*
Picked up on how depressed i was on halloween
When we were carving pumpkins

And,
*laughs again*
She asked me if I was being sexually abused.
Not in those words of course
But the idea and strongly implied question was understood

And i shot that shit down fast,
Cause i wasn’t!

And instead of oh I don’t know..
The way our family fights, insults, and puts each other down constantly,
And the effect that has, coming to mind
She jumps to SA!

No matter how much I sometimes wish I had a serious trauma.
Like SA or being beaten,
Just so i could be taken seriously when i say i have issues or depression,
And i know how fucked up that is.
To wish i had trauma when those with that trauma wish they didn’t

But i just want someone to notice my bad days
And to realize they happen for a reason
I want to be taken seriously when i tell someone i struggle
Instead of getting brushed off
And assumed that i'm making a joke

that's the issue
Im ignored all the time
I'm the one sitting alone at a party
That you come over to pity sit with
I'm the one wishing they had mental breakdowns in public
So I could be cared about.

Nah wait, i'm just an attention seeker,
Hoping that im fucked up enough to be interesting
It's why I turned to public journaling isn't it?
Thats all this thread fucking is,

I'm so dramatic,
my life sucks,
so angsty aren't i?
Uwu sadness!

No better than the whiney bitches on tiktok.
All I have to deal with is yelling.
Not even anything serious
Like being hurt or touched

Welp, mother,
hope you’re happy,
you raised an attention seeking people pleaser.

Fuck, can i not be dramatic for one gooddam second?!

I don't know why i'm like this,
Maybe i do it to entertain,
To get people to care
I don't know

But, look on the bright side?
At least it's not an identity crisis?
Or is that what this is?
…
Not sure,
Whatever it is,
Just gotta smile through it i guess
I started this by sucking shit up and not expressing it
Gotta deal with the consequences and stick to the status quo i made

 

[Shawdios]

NOTE: i wrote this before the previous rant, this spiralled into the previous rant

I tried to run away once,

Shocking! Le gasp!

Yeah, well,
i was 10 or 11 i think,
And i'm pretty sure that by now in this thread,
I've made it obvious as to why i would have wanted to

So anyway,
i tried to run away
I packed my drawing shit up
My favorite stuffed animal
I made sure to bring winter and summer clothes
Along with a pillow
And a 12 pack of some sort of packaged food
I don't remember what it was specifically
And i think i brought some sort of electronic
It may have just been my Mp3 player

But for a 10-11 year old,
I did pretty well to think of all the things i would need
And pack it all into a single backpack,

I don't think i was sat down to watch the documentary yet,
But I may have.
i dont fucking know the order of all this anymore,
I suppressed this shit.

Okay, back on track,
I snuck out of the house around midnight,
and walked nearly a mile down the street out of my development,
hiding in the bushes when someone walked by

My feet hurt,
i was cold,
And i remember thinking all about the “new life” i was going to have
I was going to take care of myself
Rename myself rebecca
And live in a treehouse once I had enough money to buy myself some land.

Oh you sweet naive child me

I don't remember why i turned around
But i did
And i slipped into the house
Nobody the wiser to me having left.
Till i knocked over a bunch of metal wire shelves leaned up in the hallway.

I hid the backpack in the next room,
my mother came down to see just me standing in front of the knocked over shelves.
She thought i had just snuck downstairs to search for an electronic
I was yelled at for a few minutes
Then sent back to bed.

Nobody in my family knows I tried to run away.
Nobody but my older sister,
Who I told with an offhand comment about it once.

I find it funny
But sometimes i wonder what would have happened
if i didn't hide the backpack in time.

I’d like to think something would have changed for the better,
Or I'd have received comfort.
But that's the fanfic reader in me

I probably would have just been yelled at some more.

 

[Shawdios]

So there's this vent drawing(s) I did, around a month ago

Spoiler

Based on a confrontation I had with a public schooler

And its no longer true
But i didn’t do it to prove the person right
I did it out of curiosity
I had found a handheld pencil sharpener
After a loud argument with my mother
and out of a morbid urge
I scrambled to undo the screw holding the blade

I’ve never been bothered by blood
So it wasn’t off putting to see
Rest assured, I did not cut deep
Nothing worse than what my cat could give me

But fuck
It was addicting
I tried different areas to see which hurt more and by proxy, to avoid
Upper Inner arm? Stings like heeeell
Chest, not as much, barely able to tell any pain but it makes me nervous because there could be dangerous veins to avoid and the skin is soft so i don't know if i go deep if i push too hard, but it is less noticeable than on the arm because it can be covered by a shirt regardless of sleeves.
Anyway
For me it was like decorating
Like a form of art
My skin was a canvas and the blade was a pencil
I almost tried to play tic-tac-toe with myself
But i held off from doing more than what i’d tested

I dont know what to say for myself
I didn’t want to become part of a statistic
But i get it now
Why other teenagers do it
Its… fun?
But it scares me too
Cause i don't want to cut a vein
And bleed out

At least i have the perfect excuse and reputation to cover it up
My family knows that i love turtlenecks and hate swimming
And this was way before yesterday that this reputation was instilled
My lungs hurt and feel like they’re being pressed on if i stay chest deep in a pool for too long
And i just love the comfyness of a turtleneck

 

[Shawdios]

I’m fucking terrified.

I thought it was a one off thing
I thought It was just curiosity
I had managed to ignore the urge for the morbid art
But boredom is a powerful motivator
So I gave in to urge again

And it makes me scared.
Because i don’t want to be addicted to redlines
I don’t want to find pleasure in feeling the bumps of healing skin
Or disappointment as those lines fade

I may say it’s only as bad as a cat scratch
But how long till I cross another line?
How long till I go deeper than that?
Either accidentally or on purpose

I don’t want to crave a blade
Or stare at pencil sharpeners
But I am

And that’s terrifying

 

[Shawdios]

Spoiler: TW self harm

you know what?
fuck you
you people who say
That im a psycho for cutting

who say that
i need to be put in a padded room
or tied down
so i cant hurt myself
by drawing red lines

fuck you

im not crazy
i have a bad coping mechanism
not insane
theres a fucking difference

people who drink constantly aren't called crazy
people who smoke two packs a day aren't called crazy
people who turn to sex aren't called crazy
people who get high or do drugs every night aren’t called crazy

why the fuck
am i different from them?
because i hurt myself in a less acceptable way?

why am i the crazy one
when i draw red lines to feel joy
in having a choice on how my body looks

i want to have something that shows i survive
that shows i got through things
that shows i had struggled with my mental health
I'm not trying to kill myself

why wont you people get that
I'm not a danger to myself
I'm not going to die
i just want to have marks

why do i have to be called crazy for that?

Why am i the crazy one
for wanting control over a life
where i have to beg and plead
to get the appearance i want

if i can make my body change how it looks
and all i have to do
is mark up my shoulders
to feel happy that i can do something?

of course ill chase that serotonin

So fuck you
if you think im crazy for that

 

[Shawdios]

WARNING
I get very very very dark this time

To the point where i don't know if i should even put this up here
I'm not exaggerating, take this warning very seriously.
I had a mental breakdown and this is what came of it
I'm still working through it right now

Please do not read if talking of death, SH, fear of the self, negative and harmful comparisons of abuse, or detailed descriptions of violence/urges of violence/ways to suicide bother you

do not come at me if you read this and say you weren't prepared, I hopefully have thoroughly warned you

Spoiler

I hear the stories of SHers and sometimes
I wonder
am I a fucking weak whiny bitch?

All these people who’ve been through different kinds of abuse
and I’m over here SHing because I got my fucking “bedtime” enforced
and cut off from the writing I was working on.

I threw a borderline tantrum
In the privacy of my room of course
I broke my hairbrush
From throwing it against my dresser repeatedly

I kicked my door and broke the item behind it

I tried so damn hard to not turn that destruction on myself

But now my canvas looks the worse it’s ever been

And I’ve wanted to scream out all my anger
but my throat refuses

I can’t fucking do this
I don’t want to hurt others ether
The urge to smack and throw things at my sisters when I’m annoyed and angry
It’s so fucking strong

I want to hear the sounds of things breaking
I want to know I’m destroying something
That’s what the anger needs to be satisfied
I’ve had so many thoughts of punching and kicking and stabbing someone
Sometimes even my own family pictured as the victim
just cause I’m angry

I know I turn physical when I’m angry
I know that
I don’t want to hurt people
I just need to BREAK

So I’m scared of myself sometimes
Cause I don’t want to be an abuser
I don’t want to be the reason someone flinches

Why the hell is my brain this way
I don’t want this

Is this why I enjoy those redlines?

Cause i'm BREAKING with them?
Im able to BREAK something?
I'm BREAKING my canvas
I'm watching red paint dry
Im seeing destruction

And i'm not hurting anyone but myself with the destruction
I'm not being the reason someone flinches
But i'm able to let out the need to BREAK

Fuck
I know how this sounds
I don't want to cry
But i am

I've literally and unironically wondered
what would it feel like to kill someone
To watch the blood spill from wherever
Or what their organs would look like
And i've thought many times of how i could get away with it

Ive also wondered what it would be like to die
How it would feel to stab myself
To starve myself
To die of dehydration
to strangle myself


I know how it feels to draw blood from yourself
I'm too much of a food lover to starve myself
I haven't died from lack of moisture yet
And I have attempted to strangle myself

If you can get it right
Where you feel light headed and black static swarms your vision
Its terrifying
Not fun, would not recommend

If you don't get it right
Now that's fun
The pressure is comforting
Feeling the constriction

I don't like this side of me
Its fucked up
And i know it is
But it's there

I used to act out stories in my head
Of characters being hurt
Or commiting suicide
Or harming themselves
Or comforting a victim

I would play both parts

I would throw myself on the ground
Into a wall
Press my throat
I would make myself cry
because the character was supposed to be crying

I have drawn gore for fun
For “anatomy practice”
I would say
But i know what it is now
It was for fun

I can make destruction
I can gouge out eyeballs
I can cut off limbs
I can tear open chests
I can hurt
I can hurt
I can hurt

Through creating!

And if someone hurts me or my friends
I want so bad to tear them apart
To make them hurt
Just as they made me hurt
Or had made my friend hurt

But i fear that side of me
I keep it in check
I push it down
I lock up the urge to harm
And vent it out in healthier ways
Like drawing
Or throwing pillows
and stuffed things at walls

But also in not so healthier ways
Like turning that destruction into myself

Am I crazy?
I don't fucking know
Not anymore

maybe those jokes
about me being a serial killer
will be truth someday
i fucking hope not

but its times like this
that I'm scared of the potential prophecy

 

[Shawdios]

Is it autism?
is it adhd?
is it bpd?

fuck off brain
stop trying to categorize things

trying to figure out a label
trying to pin down a gender
trying to create a perfect world view

im tired
can you not?

not stalk peoples’ profiles?
not feel sad when people are busy?
not fear you’re annoying?

i beg you brain
stop doing this

stop making me over explain myself
stop making me need to read things four times
stop making me hate crowds

why not brain?
fucking why?

why do you make me cling to toxic people?
why do you make me fear long pauses in text message?
why do you give me such violent urges?

tell me
fucking explain yourself

explain the urge to hurt people
explain the need to destroy
explain the desire for redlines

please brain
tell me the reason

the reason i obsess over people
the reason i don’t get out of bed
the reason i cant keep myself clean

Brain?
please?

please let me stop being paranoid
please let me live in peace
please let me catch a break

For once
could you please

shut the hell up
leave me alone

 

[Shawdios]

Spoiler: TW: mention of SH and Sui

So here's the thing


When i was younger
I didn’t care all that much
When i didn’t get to have a party with my friends


Cause i still got presents from my family
And that's all little kids really care about
The presents


But year after year went by
And i still didn't get to have one
It was okay though in my kid mind


Cause I understood party places were expensive
And i couldn't invite friends over
Due to the house looking like trash


So i understood
And wasn’t too phased
Because i saw my friends at co-op


Then
Up comes my thirteenth birthday
I have archery friends and co-op friends
Plenty to invite to a party


I'm all excited for this year
Because my mother said yes
to a party at home with my friends—


Oh…
the ability be excited
Such a treasure i never cherished


—and then covid with its lockdowns happen


And my mother blocks all my friends’ contacts
Because they’re queer


I never even got to invite anyone


My thirteenth came and went
No party

My Fourteenth?
No friends


Fifteenth?
Same thing


Now my sixteenth is coming up
Its my "Sweet Sixteen"

I'm going to be Sixteen in nine days
And ive never had a party with my friends


Why does this hurt me so much
Why does it bother me so fucking much


Oh yeah


Because I can have a party
My mother has welcomed the idea with open arms

But i have no one to invite
No one my mother approves of anyway


I'd rather go unalive in my bed
than have an awkward party/”hangout”
with two people i'm barely friends with


That’s how you know you’re close to me
If i would invite you to a party


I clung to someone toxic for so long
Someone who led me to SHing
Who guilt tripped me
Till i was strung up in her web with a noose
Because i wanted A Normal experience

 

[Shawdios]

So.

I dispise the way my brain works

I’m pretty damn sure
I’ve been clear about that
At least by now
it should be obvious

But fuck
Do I hate it

I hate how
I’m always worried I’m hurting other people

I’m always bending over backwards to explain myself
(Even when it’s not needed)

I’m terrified that I’m rude

I apologize for fucking everything

I stress about whether I’m annoying

“Do I talk too much?”

“Oh shit I phrased that wrong”

(No you didn’t, you’re assuming they’ll take it the wrong way)

I always have an excuse as to why I’m absent even for a single minute

Because I assume everyone thinks the way I do

The way I think that people finally got fed up and left
Or that they don’t really care

Or it’s because I KNOW how I act.
I make up excuses and lie
I lied
I lied
I lied

How do I know others don’t do the same?
How do I know they aren’t faking it
Like I tend to do for the sake of the other person’s mental stability

Even right now,
I’m worried that people that read this will assume I’m lieing to them in pms

I’m not, I fucking adore talking to them
But sometimes my brain just
refuses to make words work and muster response.

I’m terrified I’m a piece of shit
And that everyone is lieing to me when they say I’m not
I’m terrified that they lie so I don’t feel bad

Because I do that.
I plaster on fake words and comfort
But here?
On Rpnation?
In this thread?

I’m baring my fucking soul
I’m trying to not give those fake words
It’s why I can’t muster a response to some posts in here

I don’t want to be fake.
I don’t want to lie to people and offer shallow platitudes.

But I have nothing meaningful to say ether
So there’s no response

I’ve grown up a chameleon that changes to please everyone

Because I don’t like conflict
I don’t want to be on the reciving side of anger
I don’t want to be hurt
I know I will cling to it
I will become it and spew my hurt at everyone

I’m spiteful as hell
I’m petty as shit
I will fucking hold a grudge

And I assume everyone is the same

Since I’ve being lieing my ass off since I was 11
Claiming I was 18 on an 18+ RPsite because I hadn’t known Rpnation exisited
Claiming I did my schoolwork
Claiming I hadn’t snuck devices
Claiming so fucking much that was lies

I don’t fucking know what I truely mean anymore

Am I lieing right now?
Am I just spinning my life story in such a way that it sounds worse than it is?
Am I just a fake personality that leeches off everyone?

Fucking fuck
Fuck
Fuckkkkk

I’m not fuckig okay
I know this
But I don’t believe anyone who says that is fine
I’m not fine
Being not fine is not fine to me
I’m not fine about me being not fine
And other people are not fine about me being not fine towards me being not fine

Is any of this making sense?

You’re witnessing a live unfiltered me of course
Why wouldn’t it be nonsense?
I’m just a bullshiter
A clown who’s somehow convinced you I’m on your side of the ring

Ah yes metaphors
So metaphorical aren’t I?
So clever
So smart
So witty

Fuck reality
Fuck existence

Oops, it’s no longer in threes
You notice that little drama trick of mine?
The threes?
Of any sort of pattern?

Whoop see fricking do

Let’s go do drugssssssssss
Haha no

It’s 2:20am
I should sleep
I’m seeing my best fren tomorrow
I hope

...

God I hope it goes well
But knowing life
It wont

Murphy’s law
After all

“Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong”
Story of my fucking life

No not really
I’ve got it better than those who genuinely have had everything that could go wrong, go wrong.

I should be grateful
But I’m not
I’m a selfish little human being
Who hates what they have
And looks bitterly at what they want

Even if that is just having a happy life

But I’m happy sometimes
It’s not a sad life
Except when it is

And I fool myself into thinking I’ve got it bad

I’m not abused
I’m not a foster kid
I’m not a orphan
I’m not a disabled person
I’m not a person of color
I’m not a person of persecuted religion
I’m not a kid with divorced parrents
I’m not a kid with a poor household
I don’t have any diagnosis for mental issues
I don’t have any illness
I’ve never lost someone to death

Why am I complaining
I’ve got it ok

Someone knock me off my high horse
Please
I complain
I complain
I complain

But I never do anything
I wait till the last minute to finish assignments
I lie my ass off about completing my schoolwork
I can sleep in till 12

Why am I not okay
Why the fuck am I not okay
I’ve got it alright
I’ve got an ok life

I just can’t
Why can’t i

Fuck
I should end this one soon
It’s 2:32 now

I’m nothing but a storyteller.
An entertainer for the world
Something to make you happy
Don’t ask me if I’m okay.
I don’t know the answer
All that matters is you feeling better to me
That’s all I care about
So take care of yourself please
I’ll just be here in my corner hoping you’ll grace me with your presence

Attention is my drug, keep me addicted please

 

[Shawdios]

But wait
I’m not done

I’m never done
Never ever ever ever ever ever
Am I done

If I was in public school I’d be a slut
If I was actually feminine of course
I’d want to please everyone i could
Be it with words or body

I want to be taken advantage of
I want a reason why I’m so fucked up
Something to point to

But I’m not in public school
So I’m a bitch at interacting
And a overthinking wreck

Maybe if I was in public school
I could have the confidence to try drugs
Or alcohol

Never cigarettes though
I’ve seen the distraction they do first hand

Maybe I’d be reckless enough to fucking be noticed
To be a spectacle
Or something that leaves people changed
For good or bad

I want to be cared about
But I’m a coward
And a lazy bitch

I’ll rant and rant here
But I won’t change anything will I?

Fucking someone
Hurt me
So I can be comforted

So I’m deserving of comfort
If I’m hurt I can ask for comfort
Right?

I can be okay if I get hurt and get comfort
That’s how it works right?
If I make enough of a fucking racket
Someone will care enough to see why there’s noise?

Right?
Fucking tell me how this works
Someone fucking tell me

Cause I can’t fucking do this anymore
I want to be okay
I want to be fine
I want to be alright

But it’s just been a long drop
And I’ll likely start digging
Hand me my shovel I’m going in, y’know?

Screaming into the void is odd
You want so desperately to hear a response
That you scream into a void
Where there’s nothing
And your brain tricks you into hearing an echo

And you can’t stop screaming either
Because if you stop screaming
You face the silence

And that’s the worst thing
Silence
Knowing that there’s nothing but you

I’m not alone though
This isn’t a void
It’s the internet
Our man made web
Of interpersonal connections

We can talk to people on the other side of the world at the tap of a button
Yet everyone’s alone now more than ever

Why?

That’s what it always comes down to doesn’t it
why?
Fucking why
Whywhywhwywhwywhwywhwywhwywhwywhwywhwywhwywhwywhwhwywyywwywhwhwywywywyy

Why?

I don’t know.

Is this what a manic episode is like?
Or is this a breakdown?
Or a anxiety attack?
Or a mental spiral?
Or insanity?
Or depression?
Or existential crisis?
Or just me being dramatic?

Labels labels labels
Such a human thing
Labels
Putting things in neat little boxes
For our judgement’s ease

Funny how people think it’s odd to sort things for fun
Yet that’s what every human does on the daily
Black or white
Male or female
Straight or gay
Cis or trans
Alleosexual or asexual
Neurotypical or neurodivergent
Adhd or austim


Neat little boxes with labels
Aren’t they?
We all crave to point at something as the reason

That’s why folklore exists
It’s easier to blame the monster under the bed for a child’s nightmares
Than the abusive parent

It’s easier to blame the queers for why the children are defiant
Than the chokehold grip around their neck

Where was I going with this
i dont fucking know

It’s 3:11 now
I should sleep
But I wont
I’ll continue typing

Because it’s freeing
And honest
And dramatic
And attention drawing

Isn’t it?

 

[Shawdios]

Aren’t I concerning you yet?

Do I have you worried for me?

Is this enough to draw your attention?

What if I cut myself and see how much it bleeds? Its like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me?

How about now?
Are you entraptured yet?
Are you fearful for me?

Do I scare you?
BOO!
Haha haha
Gotchaaa
Didn’t I?

What if I tear someone open?
And play with their organs?

Will you care then?
Do you care at all?
For anyone?

Or am I just the execption?
Am I truely a ghost to you?
How about I make that true?
Too far?

Why is it everyone cares when someone is dead
While when someone was living no one gave a shit?

Why?

Oop there it is again!

Fucking why!
Heheheheheeheheheheheh

Am I crazy enough for you to care?
Am I insane enough for you to fear?
Am I “quirky” enough for you to like me?

No?
Shit, murder it is!
Lalalallalalalallallaallaalalalalalalalalal
Blood blood blood violence
So interesting for people
With their crime shows
And sieral killer documentaries

Is that what I need to do to have someone care? Kill another person?

Hey pay attention
Don’t fucking leave
Don’t leave me alone
Stop ignoring me
I’ll do it
I’ll do it
Don’t fucking test me
I’ll do it

Please don’t leave
Please
Please please
Don’t leave me alone

Please dont
I can’t stand it
It’s so quiet
And I’m stuck here with myself
I don’t like the side of me that comes out
When I’m alone
Please don’t go
Please just stay

 

[Shawdios]

There no fucking privacy in my house
The wifi tracks whoever is on it
Theres fucking camaras in the living room and hallways

My mother just fucking NEEDS control over every fucking thing
She logged into my gmail on her phone so she get every notification

So now every email and google chat message i get
She gets a notification for
So now i have to turn off notifications
And risk being an asshole to my friends

she recently just deleted all of my "chapter updated" emails from AO3
which means
yes
she does look at my emails

Salfhgjasfgahdfjgd;lfg
And she wonders why i sneak around

 

[Shawdios]

oh the urge to just
fall off the face of the earth
leaving no trace

not in a death way though
just
run off into a forest and disappear
making a new life for myself

I've got four separate people (+roleplay partners)
that I need to consistently talk to
and keep up with

Right now I just want to throw all comunication out
and sleep
or draw

I wanna just restart everything
get myself a do over
where no one remembers me
and I forge new connections

but then I seem like asshole
and I dont mean to be
cause I do cherish the connections I have

Im simply unsatisfied for no reason
so the urge to burn every bridge and run off
or fake my death and move north
is very appealing

I wanna run so far from everything
so I dont have to worry about hurting people Im close to

I dont want responsibility
or have my friend's mental health in my hands
I want to help them
but I cant

I dont know how to help
so im wanting to run away
but I cant

I can't just leave them
to deal with it on their own
they've helped me
and friendship is a two way street

I dont want to just take and run
they're the only friend
who seen how fucked up I am and said
"you're not scary to me"
and who's stuck with me

that means so much to me
they can't even comprehend how much it means to me

I would literally hunt someone down for them
I would walk through hell for them
I would move heaven and earth if the said they needed me to

its probably not healthy
its likely for sure not healthy

but at the same time
I want to abandon everything
and leave my family
my friends
my home

I need something NEW
so I want uproot myself
And just: Go

but obviously I can't just
leave everything

im stuck
anchored with these connections
the strings that I crave to take a blade to

so instead ill rant and rave
and avoid people

 

[Shawdios]

god im so fucking tired

ive got two aqauntances/friends wanting to ecsenally role-play,
(they deny its role-play and call it a "script" but ik what it is)

and I can't get myself to say no
or tell them im not up for it

I took a break from roleplaying for a reason

cause I was burnt out
from writing so much
and now im no longer in a writing mood

writing just isn't satisfying at the moment
and ive got no ideas for writing

ive been drawing more
because its satisfying like how writing was

every so often
I switch from a writing mood to a drawing mood
and vice versa

but others just dont understand that
and Im always scared they think im making up excuses

and the switch could last for months!
I could not want to write for six months
then switch back and regain interest
in the role-plays I had left behind

but another thing is
one of the friends is just
a shit role-player

I will not deny it here
his responses are riddled with god moding and marysue/garysue characters

I fucking can't RP with that
it kills my interest so fucking quick

NOT TO MENTION IM SUPPOSED TO BE ON A FUCKING BREAK FROM RPING

and I can't just tell them I'm likely in a depressive episode right now

so now im really tired and craving both socialization and being alone
I apologize profusely to my Rp partners on here
ill try to rest and get back to yall

 

[Shawdios]

ok so now that I think about it
and look back at previous rants

im likely depressed rn

nothing is satisfying
im pushing away everyone
I want to just sleep
im so so fucking tired
im just picking at snacks
and barely eating
because food isn't satisfying and feels like a chore

this has been going on for the past month or so

the only thing bringing feeling is SH
and Im trying to stop that
the stuff on my shoulder is fading
and the redness is leaving

but ive only moved the location
because prom is coming up

and fuck im not looking forward to anything
everything is bad rn
im fucking sad and shit
im tired
oh so fucking tired

I can't do this
why do I have to deal with this

why can't I be happy
I feel like im a shit friend
and someone who just takes and takes

I tell them to ask their parents for help
to tell their parents that their ocd got worse
to the point where they accidentally pretty seriously injured themself

meanwhile
im digging blades into skin
injuring myself with intent to do so
and having borderline panic attacks about hiding it from my parents

im such a fucking hypocrite

and I can't help them

I dont know what its like
to have ocd
I dont struggle with that

all I can do is be there and listen
and I can't even do that half the time
because im not supposed to be in contact with the friend

id do anything for them
but I dont know what it is I need to do
and I hate that
I hate that I can't help

my best friend is suffering and I dont know how to help
I-
it hurts so much
that I can't help

and I get that's not my fault
but that doesn't change the fact that Im shit at comfort

and ik im gonna hear
"you're struggling too! you can't be there for your friend in this state"
but fuck
im still gonna feel like shit regardless

im a people pleaser
haven't yall gotten that by now?
I sacrifice myself for everyone else
I dont matter in my brain
but I also matter so much

because you better fucking answer me when I text oh my fucking god answer dont leave me waiting ten fucking minutes or an hour I get you were busy but oh my fucking god I answer every text you send right after you send it why can't you do the same you fucking bitch you've pulled the oh I was busy excuse seven times now- "oh nah its fine, people get busy I understand"

im just full of paradoxes

because, oh shit oh shit I missed their text oh fuck they were panicking and coming to me for help oh fuck shitshitshitshitshit "oh shit im so sorry, I couldn't reach the computer, what's wrong? what caused the panic?" shitshisthsithsihtshtithsshtishtithi im a shit friend I missed their text their gonna think I ignored them they're hurting and I missed their text fuck fuckfuckfuckfuckfufckfcukfucfkufkcukcucufkcukukfcukfuck I can't help with this I dont have any thing I could say the would help fuckfufkcufkcufkcukfcukfufkcku k their gonna think I dont care oh shit fuck I can't help I can't help I can't help I can't help im not shit because I can't help right? they helped me but I can't help them of course im a shit friend fuck-

im doing just fucking fantastic yk

(im talking about two separate people in this last bit by the way)

 

[Shawdios]

In case you didn't know
I have hyper realistic dreams sometimes

Some to the point
where i'm no longer sure
if my memory of it was actually reality or not

My latest dream i'm very sure its not reality
Due to me having wings in it
Everything else was pretty normal

But i'm not here to talk about that

I'm here to talk about
How I remember exactly how having those wings felt

What moving the muscles
and how my brain sent the signals to move them felt like
The exact signals and effort it took
How someone brushing against their feathers sent shivers
The shifting and softness of said feather against my back
As i walked and the wind blew
How it felt for them to be pushed against a wall as i leaned on one

Then i woke up
And felt the phantom feelings of stretching them
And the joints that were between my shoulders
How light my back felt with them gone
The vague sense of Wrong i felt

It felt like i was genuinely missing a pair of limbs
That should be there but weren’t

I know that the memory of those experiences will fade
That the dream will fade back into my subconscious
But fuck does that bother me

They were so fulfilling
And now they’re gone

It saddens me to no fucking end
That i do not have wings
And never will again

Or at least never will feel like i do anytime soon
Because it was a dream
And dreams can sometimes
Very rarely
Play themselves again

But right now?
I feel incomplete



Because I now know this experience i can never have in reality
I've felt what it was like to fly before
In my hyper realistic dreams

You’ll never know what it was like for me
To just grab two rightly sized sticks and take off
Or pinwheel my legs like i was riding a bike
And simply
Go up

into the clouds and see the world from so high up
Knowing i can trust my flight to not let me fall
To drift on the winds
And fly above the sea

Freely able to traverse the skies

Now though
Now?
i have the memory of wings in my head
The memory of the muscles in my back
Moving those wings

But i never flew in that dream
No
I had stayed on the ground

And oh how i long to merge those experiences

How i plead to fall back asleep and have the dream i wish

Maybe i was a bird in a past life

But in this one
I wish i was born with wings

Hyper realistic dreams make me wonder sometimes
if a realistic dream i have is simply
Me catching a glimpse of an alternate reality
They feel so realistic

I have distinct memories of being another person
And the thoughts they’d have being thoughts i had thunk
In the moments that i was the person in my dream

The very sharp sense of worry for trinemates i’d left behind
Or the feeling of your wings shifting
Is simply something others will never understand


But other times?
My dream is just
Me going about my daily life

And
The pure fear of not knowing
What memories of the past are real or not
When you wake up for one of those

Is why i hate it when people try to gaslight me
Simply for fun
Or for a purely innocent joke
Because my memory is shit
And i have hyper realistic dreams
Which fucks with my shit memory even further