The World I Shaped In My Head Feedback

[Sandertp]

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Id love to get some seasoned, and newbie RPers opinions on the RP lore that I've spent a couple of years creating, I'll accept anything, positive or negative, even nagging little things like wrong grammar or a spelling error, thanks in advance! 


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[Grey]

Before I offer any criticism, are you very sure you want it?

 

[Sandertp]

Before I offer any criticism, are you very sure you want it?

Yes! Just as long as it is constructive and something more than "seems alright to me"!

 

[Grey]

Yes! Just as long as it is constructive and something more than "seems alright to me"!

I guarantee you it will be more comprehensive than that. Looking at the introduction, it will also not be very positive.

 

[Sandertp]

I guarantee you it will be more comprehensive than that. Looking at the introduction, it will also not be very positive.

Oh God yes, that thing is so old and really needs updating.

 

[Grey]

I'm going to recommend you read this: Roleplay - Primordial - A World-Building Primer


Because so far a lot of my criticism would amount to point out bases that should cover.


Oh, wait, magic - you'll need this too, then: Roleplay - So You Want To Write...


A lot of typos so far, but those are no big deal - an editing pass will catch them. The ubiquity of 'ofcourse' is a little odd, though.


In terms of layout, you throw around a lot of jargon without context and to make it worse, that jargon is supposed to be supplying context. I think you need to find a different format where you can link sections within the text, or at least have a glossary of terms early on. The harder it is to read, the harder it is to provide feedback.


It's looking awfully kitchen sink, so far. Possibly too crowded. At least it's consistently silly, in keeping with the intended tone.

 

[Sandertp]

I'm going to recommend you read this: Roleplay - Primordial - A World-Building Primer
Because so far a lot of my criticism would amount to point out bases that should cover.


Oh, wait, magic - you'll need this too, then: Roleplay - So You Want To Write...


A lot of typos so far, but those are no big deal - an editing pass will catch them. The ubiquity of 'ofcourse' is a little odd, though.


In terms of layout, you throw around a lot of jargon without context and to make it worse, that jargon is supposed to be supplying context. I think you need to find a different format where you can link sections within the text, or at least have a glossary of terms early on. The harder it is to read, the harder it is to provide feedback.


It's looking awfully kitchen sink, so far. Possibly too crowded. At least it's consistently silly, in keeping with the intended tone.

Thank you very much, I'll be taking these things into my writing, would you mind if I might send you an updated version in a couple of months once I've ironed out things?

 

[Grey]

Certainly. I'm on to Heaven, now, and my honest impulse is to say 'burn everything down and start over.' It's just too crowded for sake of fitting everything in, which means nothing has enough of the right details, and nothing fits together in way that's interesting or organic.


You could start with Earth 26, have everything relevant about that clear and detailed, then move on to other locations - but honestly, it sounds like Earth 26 could be a setting unto itself for one roleplay, and all the extraplanetary stuff could likewise be a setting on its own. Combining the two makes already crowded subsettings worse.

 

[Sandertp]

Certainly. I'm on to Heaven, now, and my honest impulse is to say 'burn everything down and start over.' It's just too crowded for sake of fitting everything in, which means nothing has enough of the right details, and nothing fits together in way that's interesting or organic.
You could start with Earth 26, have everything relevant about that clear and detailed, then move on to other locations - but honestly, it sounds like Earth 26 could be a setting unto itself for one roleplay, and all the extraplanetary stuff could likewise be a setting on its own. Combining the two makes already crowded subsettings worse.

I have been considering that for quite some time, but I find that way too often either me or my players need a place like Earth 26 to ground themselves, and I think some of the many subcategories can be explained by my love for convoluted lore like Warhammer 40k and the such-like, where in some cases in you need a PhD to even understand it. What I really need to do is write a comprehensive and quick guide to the different factions and races though.

 

[Grey]

I'd say write your design bible first. This is a big project, and if you want to do it right, you should have a document for personal use that lays out the origins of the setting, the way gods and magic work, and any secret historical events or conspiracies ongoing that you need to reference.


Then you write the player-facing content based on that with four aims.


1. Players should be excited about the kinds of character they could make.


2. Players should be excited about the kinds of stories they could play out, the mysteries and locations, the implied or explicit conflicts.


3. Players should be interested in learning more through play.


4. Everything must be internally consistent, and anywhere there is a contradiction, it should be framed as an interesting detail for characters to investigate.


And don't be afraid to cut. I learned that lesson the hard way; you need to cut until you have the minimum you need to do what you're trying to do. It can be hard if you're attached to some of the content, but it's better to find a different home for some of it, and let other ideas go.

 

[Sandertp]

I'd say write your design bible first. This is a big project, and if you want to do it right, you should have a document for personal use that lays out the origins of the setting, the way gods and magic work, and any secret historical events or conspiracies ongoing that you need to reference.
Then you write the player-facing content based on that with four aims.


1. Players should be excited about the kinds of character they could make.


2. Players should be excited about the kinds of stories they could play out, the mysteries and locations, the implied or explicit conflicts.


3. Players should be interested in learning more through play.


4. Everything must be internally consistent, and anywhere there is a contradiction, it should be framed as an interesting detail for characters to investigate.


And don't be afraid to cut. I learned that lesson the hard way; you need to cut until you have the minimum you need to do what you're trying to do. It can be hard if you're attached to some of the content, but it's better to find a different home for some of it, and let other ideas go.

Thank you so much once again, I will start reworking it from the ground up once I have the chance, taking each faction and fleshing out all of the important details, then making a comprehensive guide for a player to use, both if they need a simple introduction and if they want to play as somebody from the faction.


You're the kind of player I aspired to be when I started RP'ing back in 2010, the kind who isn't afraid to show off their amazing knowledge in the best way possible.

 

[Sandertp]

(Also I might just explain that the reason I wrote of course as ofcourse is because, in my native language it's one word; Selvfølgelig)

 

[Grey]

Ahh, I didn't realize you weren't a native English speaker. Some details make much more sense in light of that.


If it helps, here is an example of how I usually do things (although I am trying to do this professionally and don't expect anyone to follow my example exactly): CDA Special Edit - revised