Fandom Tale of Two Survivors { The Last of Us 1x1 with icedthemoon }

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews
Former Firefly | 21 | Current location ;; North Dakota

Nate sucked in a deep breath. Survived the attack to tell them. He knew exactly who that could have been. It could have either been the one they left behind when they did not feel like fighting anyone else or the one Nate did not kill. In which case, if those two made it back here, which they could have since they had an entire day’s travel plus however long of the day they did not make it the day before to get here before them. That was plenty of time.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, though to who he was not sure. Maybe himself. Maybe Alex. “I think that’s my fault.” He should have done it when he had the chance. He should have remembered to survive first. He also should have gone back for that other hunter. There were so many things he should have done to save them. But was it worth killing so many people to save two? That was always the question he struggled with.
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan
Former Seraphite | 19 | Current location ;; North Dakota

Alex stopped, turning his head to look at Nate. He literally had to take a moment to process what Nate had said. ‘I think it’s my fault’ Alex felt his world stop at those words. “What do you mean?” He asked, crossing his arms. He wasn’t moving now, he wanted to know exactly what Nate had done. If he had given the hunters they had run into a chance to warn these ones? This would have been a lot more dangerous. Alex had already seen death’s door once today, and he probably would’ve actually died if all the hunters had been waiting for them. And they also could have two more hunters unaccounted for, the one they both left alone and the one that had gone after Nate.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews
Former Firefly | 21 | Current location ;; North Dakota

He stopped when Alex stopped. He knew this was a problem. He knew when he made the decision that it could come back to haunt them. This was not the first time that his choices caused this kind of problem. This was why his mama told him that he had to man up. You can’t save everyone. You can’t fix everything. Because what that person could do if you let them go is far worse than what you do to them.

“I didn’t-“ How did refusing to murder become the bad thing to do? How was this an admission of guilt and not a proud moment? Because now, as he stood next to Alex, he felt a wave of shame instead of pride. “I couldn’t-“ He stared at nothing, anything that was not him. “There should be another way.” No. He amended, “I wanted there to be another way. So I didn’t-“ He closed his eyes, the swell of emotion overwhelming him again. The same from moments ago when he slaughtered even though it was now about when he didn’t. “I knocked him out. Left him in the bushes. I know the kind of suffocation. He would be disoriented a while. I thought-“ that it would be okay. That they could just walk away. Find another way. “These two are dead,” he said flatly, in case that was now in question. And then he kept walking, because he had nothing else to say to that.
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan
Former Seraphite | 19 | Current location ;; North Dakota

Alex felt his blood freeze listening to him. He knew that Nate did not want to murder, he was a medic. Medics save people. But that, what he did could’ve made this much much worse. “Nate. I understand it’s not easy, but we can’t leave people alive. If all of them had decided to wait for us, we’d be dead. I’m not that good to be able to take them all out on my own. If you can’t kill them, then tell me and I’ll make sure they can’t run and tell on us.” Alex said, his tone irritated, upset and hurt. Alex didn’t want Nate to die. He walked when Nate walked, still upset and it showed in his deliberate motions as he moved. “We are on our own and we need to do what we have to in order to survive. Even if that means getting rid of people trying to kill us.” Alex said. ​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews
Former Firefly | 21 | Current location ;; North Dakota

There were very many things he wanted to say to that.

No, it isn’t easy to kill someone, and yet it was so easy for everyone else. All these hunters were happy to kill people. Alex did it so swiftly like it was second nature, and maybe it was. Maybe his warrior people trained him to shoot that arrow and not to think about it. Maybe he could think about it and not be bothered by the life he ended.
They don’t know that if all fifteen were waiting for an ambush that they would be dead. It is very difficult to hide fifteen people. They might have seen or heard someone or something that tipped them off. They could have chosen another way to go. He was remapping now, right? They could have done that just as well if all of those people were alive.
It is not that he can’t kill them. He very well can. If he wanted, and he absolutely did not, Nate could kill Alex right there in less than a second. Alex would not be able to fight back. In fact, he could do it several ways. He could make it slow or fast. Painful or painless. Both of these he could do, because he thought about them. He could have killed the hunter he encountered that first day without much effort. He could have killed this woman a whole lot faster than he did. It could have been a lot more like the one on Alex. He also probably could have done that one with a lot less blood and pain, but he was caught in the anger.

And therein is the problem.

He could not say all those things to him. He couldn’t make it sound like Alex was the bad guy for keeping them safe. He couldn’t do that to him even if this was where they clearly differed on opinion. His mama would have agreed with Alex. Ben and Max too. They were soldiers first. Ben fought like it was a sport. Max could take anyone. His mama could sneak up on the earth without it noticing. But Nate? He wasn’t built for that. He wasn’t supposed to be that. Just because they were all okay with that didn’t mean that he had to be okay with that. He heard this tune over and over and over. Nate, you can’t let them live. Nate, there is no other way. Nate. Nate. Nate.

“Mercy isn’t a weakness.”

His words were harsh. Clipped. They oozed with an anger that Nate tried never to allow. But how could he not when everyone always told him that he was wrong. Why was being the good guy wrong? Whatever happened to being the hero? Who was the hero now?
He did not look at Alex. Couldn’t. He only stared forward, face almost grave. He was all hard lines and rigidity.
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan
Former Seraphite | 19 | Current location ;; North Dakota

Alex never once thought about ending a life when he had too. In fact, it was part of his training to do so. He had never once thought about mercy. It was not a part of who he had been made into. If he'd stayed with the Seraphites, he might have become as bad as those hunters. It was something he was forced into according to his parents. He was a warrior, a fighter, a soldier. If he didn't fire the arrows during his training, didn't kill who needed to be killed, then he was scarred himself. Alexander looked over at Nate, those words ringing through his brain. Mercy? Alex didn't even know what mercy meant. But how was mercy not a weakness? If you show mercy to the wrong person then it can come back to kill you.

Alex stopped walking, he'd never heard such harsh words from Nate, the anger that came through. The rigid posture and hard lines. It was almost has if someone had taken Nate and replaced him with someone else. Alex couldn't apologize, he didn't exactly think he was wrong, but years of training starting when he was 11, make it hard to believe that mercy was anything other than a weakness. Alex felt like his heart was glass and had been dropped, shattering to the ground at this change in Nate. So he walked slower, just behind him so he didn't have to make the man any more mad than he was, especially because Alex could argue it all day long. Instead, he swiped the tear that had threatened to fall away and kept going. They had a couple hours left before they could stop and make camp, they should be far enough away at that point, and by noon tomorrow they'd make it to another state. Alex was reconsidering taking the long way and was seriously thinking of keeping them moving even through the night to get Nate to Washington and then go their separate ways.

“Whatever you say Nate.” Alex said softly, keeping his distance still.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews
Former Firefly | 21 | Current location ;; North Dakota

Nathaniel Matthews, 12, shoved his arms across his chest and refused to look.
“Would you stop your pouting and come here?” She leaned in the doorway, mirroring his own defiance with the same crossed arms.
“I don’t wanna.” Because he would rather be doing anything else than this kind of horrible thing.
“Well, good thing I didn’t ask if you wanted to. This is something you need to know how to do.”
He took a full step back, back against the wall, and shook his head.
She sighed a mother’s burden, lifted a hand to the sky whispering something he could not hear, and did the unthinkable. She made a whole racket, yelling and running around and just overall pitching a big ol’ fit.
“What are you- You’re gonna make him come over here!” His whispers meant nothing under the oppressive stamps of her sounds. And also the screaming of the runner she summoned from down on the bottom floor. He came running at her with all his might. No, she wasn’t in the doorway anymore. He was coming straight for Nate as he scrambled into a corner, terrified for his life.
His mama swiftly came from behind and grabbed at the thing that once was man.
“Now open your eyes and watch.”

Nate silently seething as they moved. Trapped in an endless cycle of everything he held to be truth being reviled as something ugly. Unwanted. Irresponsible. Irrelevant. Unforgivable. Dangerous. How dare he look upon defilers with gentile grace and a comforting smile. What horror is he for finding the positive in this waking hell when all are meant to suffer together. How can he be so unbearably good when the world rid itself of such insufferable creatures the day a fungus took them?

How dare he find the light when everyone else is stumbling in the darkness.
But where was the light when everyone was always snuffing it out?

He refused to talk. He could barely see. He took in sounds and sights and processed them in the way someone did when they were only moving forward. He was working on low power, because the big generator went out, and they only had the small one left. But that was also because the big one was too busy playing fast and loose with the haunted memories of how often he was wrong. Try not to upset your friend but in doing so make him angry. Angry because it’s like a lie when you don’t tell him things. Angry because you didn’t do what you should have by the laws of a flawed people who only ever make the world worse. Where was peace? Where was justice? Is this justice? Senseless murder and violence?

Trapped in an endless cycle where each rotation dragged him further and further down. No words. No cries. He would not allow them the satisfaction to watch him hurt.
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan
Former Seraphite | 19 | Current location ;; North Dakota

Alex didn’t have any words, so he continued on quietly. Was there really anything he could say? Probably not right now. Alex saw the sun sinking below the horizon. They had put enough distance between them and the hunters, and he hadn’t even realized it. He wondered if Nate would even stop if Alex told him they were making camp. He figured he’d try, worse comes to worse, they keep walking. “We should stop here for the night. We’ve put enough distance between us and them.” Alex said, loud enough that Nate could hear him.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews
Former Firefly | 21 | Current location ;; North Dakota

From somewhere behind, words clung to his ears. Maybe his ears clung to them. Words from a voice that felt so distant. He paused, turning, looking, gazing across the valleys between. Dramatic. That’s what Max would call him. You know, you’re a bit dramatic. Sure, and you’re a bit spacey. And he’s a galumph and she’s- a realist.

He held his gaze, his stance, his pack, and his tongue. Okay. That’s what he wanted to say. He wanted to say okay. But he couldn’t open his mouth. It was sewn shut but a toxic mix of his own growing frustrations and the highly tense moments flirting with death.

Flirt with a realist.

He dropped the pack, sat, and his face fell into his hands.
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan
Former Seraphite | 19 | Current location ;; North Dakota

Alex watched as Nate looked back at him. His heart clenched as he watched the man look at him, the world on pause. Then his pack was dropped, he sat and Alex could only watch as his face fell in his hands. Alex set his pack down, walked over and sat down beside Nate. He wasn’t close by any means, but close enough to talk. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think before I spoke.” Alex didn’t know what else to say. He just didn’t like seeing his bright optimistic medic so angry, so upset.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews
Former Firefly | 21 | Current location ;; North Dakota

No you didn’t.
How good of you to consider that.
Maybe you should have-

Don’t apologize for being you. He would have said that if he could find the words. Or maybe he might have said something more along the lines of I know I shouldn’t be so angry when you’re trying to keep us alive. Or, if he really could get himself to speak, he could apologize. He could say that he was sorry. He should not have been so rude. So whiny. So petulant. Like a child. Like a little kid following a mother who harped on me about this same exact thing. Like a teen who was constantly the butte of many nasty jokes now that he looked back on them. Like an adult who never learned how to cope with the world he was born and raised in. In the end, if it’s only him who can’t get by, who really is the one who is wrong?

He kept his head in his hands, willing gravity to pull it all away. All the tension, all the anger. All the venom. That wasn’t him. He wasn’t that kind of person. He was so proud of how he wasn’t like everyone else. But how did that make him any different? But then again, could he really be that wrong? When the good guys save all the innocent people, that made them heroes. When they capture the villains and put them in jail, that makes them heroes. He didn’t understand. He never could understand that. He might not ever be able to despite hard he tried.

“It’s open,” was all he could say. “I opened something.” Because he could not make his voice say the important things, but he could say something else. He could talk about the blood he felt hours before. Maybe, if he tried hard enough, he could work it into something else.
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan
Former Seraphite | 19 | Current location ;; North Dakota

Alex’s heart had just started to beat normal again when it dropped once more. He was immediately on his feet, grabbing the medical stuff he had and stepping over kneeling behind Nate. “I’m gonna need these shirts off.” He said, no matter what happened between them, he refused to not help Nate. The moment he said he’d opened something, all Alex could think of was he had to fix Nate. He might not be able to bridge the gap and reconnect with him, but he could clean and fix the wounds.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews
Former Firefly | 21 | Current location ;; North Dakota

Breathe in.
Shirts off. Okay. He could do that. He could follow orders.
Breathe out.
His sore arms moved slowly as he worked. First jacket. Then over shirt. Then shirt. The last took a long time. In his escape of the hunter’s attack from behind, he squeezed his arms, shoulders, chest, back, anything he could to wrench himself free of the pack and straps that could have been his downfall. And in doing so, he knew it had been bad. He knew it did something. What he couldn’t tell was how bad it was, because he had not been able to focus well enough to determine that. From running for his own life to trying to save the hunter’s to saving Alex’s and then to- well. Well, it was probably not as bad as it felt, though he had left it uncovered under the shirts and jacket all day. He had let it run against material that was soiled from the journey. He lunched over. Arms on legs, head still in hands. That was the display he could make for Alex.
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan
Former Seraphite | 19 | Current location ;; North Dakota

He watched as Nate pulled off his jacket, then one shirt, and the other. He hunched himself over and Alex got a good look at his back. A lot of the open wounds that had yet to close were reopened, blood dripping on his skin, down his back. Alex sighed lightly, grabbing the cloth he had and used a little bit of water to clean off the blood. Then the painful part. He knew he should've rewrapped Nate this morning. These open wounds exposed to his shirts? Alex would be thankful if they didn't get infected from bacteria. "This will sting" He said as he grabbed the alcohol and put it on another cloth. He had to clean them as best as he could to avoid any bacteria managing to get in and stay. He wiped and cleaned each open cut with the alcohol. Then Alex grabbed some medical ointment he'd found at the stash in the restaurant. If he read it right, it should help prevent any bacterial infection. He applied it to each cut before he wrapped him up in bandaging. Alex then checked his shoulder, the stitches held even if it was a little bloody. Alex took the wet cloth and cleaned it up before he stepped back, packing everything back up. "There, just please be careful" Alex said, moving away from Nate, pack in hand. He didn't go far, but far enough to give the other man space.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews
Former Firefly | 21 | Current location ;; North Dakota

He winced the first time the alcohol and cloth touched his skin, but did not move after that. Each sting felt like a lash against the raw skin that was irritated by being open against the shirts. He should have stopped and deal with this before. Even if they were needing to get away from the hunters quickly, he should have stopped long before they did. He should have at least wrapped them. He should have done something about it. Why didn’t he do something? This was what he was supposed to be good at. How was he so bad at the one thing he knew he was good at? If he couldn’t be a good soldier, and he couldn’t be a good son, and he couldn’t be a good brother, and he couldn’t be a good partner, then he should at least be a good medic.

The hands that brought pain also brought comfort. As they disappeared, as Alex’s grounding presence moved away, his head snapped up. “Alex?” Words laced with desperation.
Don’t go.
Please don’t go.
Please don’t leave me.
But his lips stayed shut again, it was all he could do to rip his eyes away before Alex could see the turmoil in them.
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan
Former Seraphite | 19 | Current location ;; North Dakota

Alex lifted his head up from where he'd finished putting the supplies in when he heard Nate call his name. Was that desperation in his voice? Alex didn't know, but something in him was tugging him back towards Nate. He thought Nate was still mad at him. Alex was now effectively confused, and so he slid a little closer to Nate, with about a foot between them versus the almost two feet before. "What's wrong? Is the wrap too tight?" He asked, watching Nate to see if that was the problem. Alex didn't deal with personal things well, be it matters of the heart or even the mind sometimes. He usually relied on instinct which has kept him safe so far in life.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews
Former Firefly | 21 | Current location ;; North Dakota

Thank you.
I’m sorry.
His mouth ran dry like the empty and overgrown pools in abandoned backyards. Like cotton poked at the inside of his cheeks. Like sand grinding against the barren wastes.
He stared at his hands, past his hands, to a ground as hardened as his mind would be. He wished he could open the door between him and Alex. He wished he could say the words. Maybe he did. Maybe he pushed it open, because now he was closer, but as close as he was, it only made him want to cry.
Smile real big for the boss lady, and hide how much it hurts when you breathe.
“No.” Not too tight. Perfect. It’s perfect. For having so little direction, he was doing perfectly.
I’m sorry.

His hands were clasped together, loose enough for his fingers to slide in and out of an interlocking position. Elbows on knees that were brought to shoulders that were attached to elbows on knees that were brought to shoulders. Clasped hands with bonds already breaking.
Thank you.
I’m sorry.
For being a petulant child of eight who would rather walk away. Or twelve who would rather leave it alone. Of fourteen who refused to hunt for sport. Of seventeen who doubled down. Of nineteen who forgot everything she taught him. Of twenty one who thought he was being brave. Of twenty one who didn’t listen. Of twenty one who remembered he wasn’t alone too late.

“I’m sorry.”
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan
Former Seraphite | 19 | Current location ;; North Dakota

He heard the word No first and felt better that the wraps weren't too tight. His eyes were watching Nate's body language, almost like he was having an internal battle with himself. Alex at that point didn't care about him being angry, about the issue with the hunters, about of any it. His sole focus was the man beside him who seemed torn. Alex closed the distance between them, kneeling in front of Nate, taking the man's hands in his own calloused ones. He heard the words 'I'm sorry' and sighed.

"No, don't apologize for being who you are. I'm sorry for seeming so careless about the whole thing. I'm so used to looking out for myself, that I don't realize that others can't do that, that it's not who they are." Alex started, hoping to draw Nate's attention to him. "You shouldn't have to kill. It's not the you I know. The Nate I know is caring, smart, a heck of a medic, kind, and didn't deserve half of what he went through." Alex said, gently squeezing Nate's hands trying to put into words what he felt since he'd started traveling with Nate.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews
Former Firefly | 21 | Current location ;; North Dakota

Without any thought at all, his own hands squeezed Alex’s. He squeezed them as hard as he could, because all of that tension had to go somewhere, and who else could he trust with his body than his very own warrior? His very own archer? His monkey man?

He looked up at the words, brows pulled in a tight grip, eyes glistening from their watery sheen, and jaw gone slightly slack. He had wanted to say the same thing to him when he apologized earlier. There is no reason for apology when all you are doing is enacting what you know. But what was Nate doing? This was not learned behavior. These were not shared beliefs. Was this any better than an overzealous religious sect of people who force their will on others so aggressively that they are scarred for the rest of their days? Scarred so prominently.

“Neither should you.”
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan
Former Seraphite | 19 | Current location ;; North Dakota

Alex felt the squeezing back from Nate and sent a soft smile towards him. He could see the watery look in Nate's eyes and his heart ached more. Had he caused him to want to cry? Were his words that angry, that aggressive to cause such a reaction in his medic? Then he heard Nate's words. Those three words could be applied to any part of what he'd told Nate. "I wish I didn't have to." Alex responded, wanting nothing more than to give Nate a hug, tell him that they'd make it to Washington, to peace, to a fancy feast and large farmhouse. But how could he say such things when they have no idea what could happen even in the span of an hour?​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews
Former Firefly | 21 | Current location ;; North Dakota

Almost. He could feel that he was almost there. Almost ready. Almost. He wished he could jumpstart the process or push it along past its very small limits. He hated this part of himself. The part that felt like it was very much not him. He never could see it coming. The spiral never came with warnings that he could read. Maybe his mama could see them. Maybe she had a way of dealing with it when she still took responsibility for him. Or maybe she didn’t and that was why she was the one his brain glommed too in the middle of it.

He brought their hands to his face, against his lips like he did before, and he buried his eyes, nose, anything, and everything. He closed his eyes and tried to remember how to be Nate instead of Nathaniel Evan Matthews. He tried to remember how to be happy instead of belligerent. He tried to remember how to smile instead of scowling. What hurts more? The fact that his new favorite person in the whole world is a soldier or that everyone he ever loved was too?

“You were right.” Maybe that was why he got so angry. “I shouldn’t have left that first one alive. I shouldn’t have insisted we left the other one. That was selfish.”
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan
Former Seraphite | 19 | Current location ;; North Dakota

He watched as Nate brought their hands to his face. Alex let him do whatever he wanted, this was about Nate right now. Alex didn't know what else he could do for the man. He had never felt this sadness, confusion, and hurt in his life. Alex sighed, shifting himself a little closer as he looked at Nate. He was never one for words, and that would be the root of the problem he supposed. "I don't want to be right. I was upset at first, but I understand where you were coming from. I wish we didn't have to resort to making sure all of them are gone. We'd made it by them, but it was their alert to the others that really hurt." He said, trying so hard to explain himself and his reaction.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews
Former Firefly | 21 | Current location ;; North Dakota

Alex’s words sat between them like vipers who dared him to cross. He sat there silently for a while, trying to find a way to bring them back to where they were. He missed who they were that morning. He missed how easy it was to live beside Alex when there weren’t hunters around. At least with the infected, that was mercy. That had to be mercy.

“But you were right.” He leaned to the side, reaching around Alex now that he was right there again, and reached into the side pocket of the pouch. He pulled it out, the haunting object he still had. He held the knife a moment, looking at the tiny color before dropping it onto the ground between them. “That’s you.” The tiny hint of blood on the blade. Then he reached back to the pack and pulled out the other one. His. And he tossed it on the ground. The amount was vastly different even if still not that much. He was very good at what he did. Still too much. Always too much but too much all the same. That was a painful slice, and he knew it. “And that’s the guy who did that to you. And I did that to him.”

He couldn’t look up. He couldn’t see the sorrow in Alex’s face that he so quickly caused. That he kept there. “He was going to kill you, Alex. He was going to kill you, so I killed him. I went to the trouble of saving the first one. I tried to save the one who attacked me during the ambush. It was only when she wouldn’t listen that I had to kill her. But this guy.” He lazily gestured towards his knife. “I just killed him.” He could hear the gurgling still.
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Alexander Brennan
Former Seraphite | 19 | Current location ;; North Dakota

Alex watched as Nate reached around him and grabbed the knife from the hunter, a little bit of his blood still on the blade. He watched as Nate dropped it on the ground between them. Then he grabbed his own knife, the amount of blood on his was more than the first one. He listened to Nate, he didn't think about the fact that Nate had point blank killed some one for him. He heard him say he saved the first one, tried to save the person who ambushed him, but when it came to the one holding Alex? It was straight for the kill. Alex had no words, he could see now how his words could've easily been the worst things he'd said to Nate. Alex pulled his hands free from Nate's before wrapping his arms around the man. He pulled him so that he was closer and hugged him. His chin was on Nate's shoulder as he spoke into his ear. "I'm sorry you had to go through that, I will always appreciate it, but I wish you hadn't had to" He said softly.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Nathaniel Matthews
Former Firefly | 21 | Current location ;; North Dakota

Nate leaned into the hug but held himself up still unlike the last hug from Nate-related trauma. He did not move. Did not blink. Did not do anything for a long time. He didn’t even hug him back as much as he wanted to pull his arms up and cling to the man who was his guide. He was. wasn’t he? He was still guiding him even when he kept doing things to bring them back to square one or throw everything they built away. Who was to say what the next screw up would be? He was sure that there would be another violation of trust. It was only a matter of time.

“He was going to kill you, and I was so angry. I was so angry, because he was going to take you from me. So I took him from someone else.”
​