Opinion Stuck (long rant)

[MysticWitch]

I know its been a while since I last posted things on this board and I am frustrated at myself for being so flaky. Its not something I intended but as of late things in my life are sometimes unmanageable and I have felt like I have lost a part of myself that I don't think I can get back.

Let me rewind. I'm not normally someone who shares their troubles or feelings on public boards like this. I'm used to handling problems on my own or relying on friends or family. But that doesn't seem to be working either so I'm putting myself out there which is rather scary. But I have to make a step foreword of some kind. Maybe this is the answer, maybe its not. I'm always up for looking at things from a fresh perspective. All I know is I feel stuck in my life and while things are going to change this year for sure, maybe early next year; I just need something now to change. Impatient? Yes. But I feel like change needs to happen now. That I am running out of time. That's what my soul is screaming out. But everyone keeps telling me to be damn patient. Ugh...

My mom would often tell me "Sometimes you have to do things in life you don't want to do." She repeated this mantra through my college years and when I got my first job and started to complain about it. Okay fine, I can tough out this job until I finish college and get a job I really want.

My parents told me they would pay for my college so I didn't have to worry about finding ways to pay for it. Then, my dad got sick. A few surgeries later he was forced to retire. My mom then lost her job. We had to wait two years for their retirement to kick in. I quit school, I took care of dad. I tried to find a full time job, any job to help my parents. I had no health insurance or dental. I found another job but this one was as bad if not worse than the first. I started out with crappy hours but going on 5-6 years now I'm working 40 plus hours, still hate it. A few friends have moved away. My parents are good now, but were trying to sell our house so they can live in another state. They already have a house they are using up there and I'm alone down here most of the time. We've been cleaning out storage units and trying to throw away stuff but its still a long way to go. I'm so ready to leave this state its not funny. Its too hot, most of my friends are gone, I can't find a job I like to save my life. And I have lived in this same damn town my entire life. I'm not the type to drop everything and run, my mom while shes doing okay has a bad form of diabetes and is trying to clean up this place herself. I help her when I can because I am working 40 plus hours I can't spend time like I want to. Most days I just come home depressed and anxiety ridden and tired. its affected my writing considerably. I don't have the ability to write much anymore and its hurting me a lot.

I'm stuck. I can't leave until the house is sold. The only people I can rely on are my parents for now. I'm pretty sure I have some kind of depression and anxiety. But I don't have the strength to leave until I have a job and possible place to live. Being patient is all I have left but I have been patient for half of my life right now. I've tried writing, but everything comes out horrible and I don't even have time to RP anymore. Being a functional adult is hard. Most of my money goes to bills and now paying for dental visits. I need a lot of work done, thanks to my years not going because I was taking care of my parents.

My friends are going through some problems too. So they are more or less in the same boat as me. I've left this place for a while, but I don't think I have time to even form new rps or join others right now. My creativity is really lacking and time is very short. As of now I have the rest of my day planned then its back to work tomorrow. I guess what I'm trying do by putting this out here is not to take your days for granted. I'm struggling to remain upright and fight through both my mental and physical woes. Dealing with being written up at work for every little thing, being yelled at and called names by complete strangers. I'm telling you it takes a strong will and mind to work in HR. Something I am sadly lacking lately. I'm also dealing with one my kitties passing away earlier this year as well as a friend passing. I'm also don't want to see a shrink because one I'm gonna be moving once the house is sold and two, I know they would try to put me on meds and frankly the last time I was put on meds I felt like a robot unable to feel. Some side effects on those may make me worse rather than better. I don't have the time or the patience. I don't want to risk it.

I feel like I should be further along in my life than I am now. That I have failed life in some way....even if others tell me its not true. Still, despite all of this I'm going to keep going and while I will feel stuck even for the next few months. I guess the one hope I have is that I will escape this town, this state and get a new job and place of my own eventually. I can't afford a place right now. But maybe my creativity will come back in this new place. I guess I just need ideas to cope in the meantime. (Shrugs) I'm not expecting much but what else do I have left to lose?

 

[WolfSol]

What you are going through, what you are feeling, is sadly not uncommon. Things happen, things change, and the only thing we can do is flip it all off and keep our head above the water. You've made it this far. You've got this.

I suggest that you find another outlet (like walking around a park, video games, reading, working out, etc.) while you wait for that old creativity train to smack into you again. Creativity can be taxing so when you're stressed, it's very understandable that you may be struggling with writing and what not. It's "writer's block" after all. The only way to get out of it at the drop of a hat would be to simply force yourself. Even if it's a wee paragraph.

Personally, my life is a roller coaster and at times I do have bouts of apathy- the inability to empathize, no emotion. To help with my apathy, I sought out weight training (I do take medication but it is a small dosage). It helped a great deal. It isn't always a 100%, but it has helped. My family has commented on my change in behavior. What I'm saying is, find somethin' else that gets your mind of things, makes you smile or helps calm you down. Even if it's a small thing like doodling, listening to music.

I dunno, I'm probably rambling. I do that a lot when I'm trying to get my words across. Either way, you've got this. You go Glenn Coco. Just keep swimming. I hope things get better for you. I'm sorry to hear about your fluff (cat) and friend.

 

[MysticWitch]

What you are going through, what you are feeling, is sadly not uncommon. Things happen, things change, and the only thing we can do is flip it all off and keep our head above the water. You've made it this far. You've got this.

I suggest that you find another outlet (like walking around a park, video games, reading, working out, etc.) while you wait for that old creativity train to smack into you again. Creativity can be taxing so when you're stressed, it's very understandable that you may be struggling with writing and what not. It's "writer's block" after all. The only way to get out of it at the drop of a hat would be to simply force yourself. Even if it's a wee paragraph.

Personally, my life is a roller coaster and at times I do have bouts of apathy- the inability to empathize, no emotion. To help with my apathy, I sought out weight training (I do take medication but it is a small dosage). It helped a great deal. It isn't always a 100%, but it has helped. My family has commented on my change in behavior. What I'm saying is, find somethin' else that gets your mind of things, makes you smile or helps calm you down. Even if it's a small thing like doodling, listening to music.

I dunno, I'm probably rambling. I do that a lot when I'm trying to get my words across. Either way, you've got this. You go Glenn Coco. Just keep swimming. I hope things get better for you. I'm sorry to hear about your fluff (cat) and friend.

Thank you so much WolfSol for your insight and I really do appreciate everything you said. I suppose there is a update on the situation at hand. Our house was recently sold. Not for as much as we would have liked. But it gives us a out of this hell. It gives me a out but I have nothing prepared for when I go up north. For now after we get the house cleared out I will be living with my parents up in Washington. I'm excited, I'm scared because I have no job and I'm worried I won't be able to find one. My dreams still seem so far out of reach and right now I'm so focused on just cleaning out the house before the November 5th deadline, saying goodbye to my job and everything else, I'm so tired. At least I don't have time to be depressed anymore. Yet some how....I still feel a little melancholy for the place I called home for all my life really. As people tear down our memories in the backyard and were putting boxes away, it is sad. But I need this, I need to start anew. My new life awaits and I am hoping my new adventures and a better job etc.

I really want this. I just hope I can take that leap and be happier up there. Maybe it will help open up my creativity too.

Wish me luck.

 

[MysticWitch]

Update 2:

Now that we have moved up here I'm slowly starting to unpack and ponder where I go from here. Its not ideal, in fact there are several barriers ahead of me. I'm nervous and scared and worried. I'm trying to be optimistic but I don't want to fail. I may try to get back into RPing too, I need that outlet to help with the depression and anxiety mostly. I will try to be online as much as I can. I hope I can find some others who would be willing to RP with me again. I feel bad about the Rp's that were abandoned. I tried to reach out to those to say I would be willing to continue but I have yet to hear back from them. I think its time for some posting! Thanks again to those who had left me messages.

 

[Daisie]

^^ I've read through this and truly admire your persistence. It sounds like you were really in a dire spot. One that never seemed to end. My friend's going through similar stuff, minus the support from her family. It may seem hopeless at times, but I believe in her. And that means I believe in you, too. I may not know you, but I'm truly happy that you seem to have broken through into a new phase of life. It may seem cliche, but just know that someone out there - even if it's a complete stranger - believes in and supports you.

I firmly believe nobody ever really knows what they're doing in life. But there's a charm and excitement to going in blind. Best wishes for you

 

[Onmyoji]

You're really going through a lot. But I can see you're still looking ahead with some optimism and it's very important to keep going. It's normal to feel worried and lost, but as long as you don't give up, you can still improve your life.

Going back to roleplaying is not a bad idea, it will keep your mind off things. I did exactly that when I was going through hard spot in life and it literally was what made me want to wake up in the morning when everything else seemed too depressing. Of course, it didn't magically make my irl problems disappear but it helped me to not focus on bad stuff too much and I made new friends which is also a bonus ^^

I wish you all the best! Stay strong!