Story Read a writing thing (A coming-of-age short novel)

[Devious Dilbert]

This is a project that I've been wanting to start for over a year. I've just finished the first chapter a couple days ago, and I would like critique. Many of my friends only say it's "good," and I've really only gotten useful feedback from two people. What I'm looking for is something in-depth. I know my grammar probably isn't the best, and I intentionally started sentences with words that you probably shouldn't, but anyway here it is:

Early September. Junior Year.​

I was never one to believe in fate, destiny, or any nonsensical concept along those lines. In short, I liked to believe that my life was my own, and I decided what I did with it and how. This is a common mindset among people as privileged as we are. And for the most part, your life is yours. It's not an erroneous way to think, but in actuality life is unfair in the sense that anybody or anything can come by and take yours from you. And if you're given "mercy," it won't end right then and there. They'll mangle it however they please. In coincidence, life is fair because everybody has the power to do this, even you and me.

If you're among the lucky, people will change your life for the better, even if simply. I have to say that I am so, so grateful that those who toyed with mine weren't possessed to do so by malice.

And now the question is: "Have I ever changed anybody's life?" I probably wouldn't know for sure if I did, but I hope that I have. I'd love to have made somebody's life easier or perhaps just superficially pleasant. I couldn't ask to be somebody's savior or guardian angel. I feel a role like that requires too much responsibility that I don't exactly have yet even as I am now grown. However, as bold as it may be to claim, I believe that I have. We influence each other more than we think. Perhaps something that I've said or done has inspired someone in some way. I know that it's happened to me. It's quite possible for a role reversal to have taken place at one point. ...Actually, I can confidently say that I have. But boasting about it defeats the purpose.

...,...,...,...,...,...,...,...,...,...,...,...,...​

It was early September of my Junior year, around back-to-school-time. More accurately, a couple weeks after. A month maybe. I remember that it was at least in the last dying moments of that year's Summer in the transition period.

What I remember most vividly was my school's hallways. Specifically, how crowded they were when the bell rang. I remember the sound as well, actually. It was something mechanical that signaled the flooding of the school grounds. And it was savage in those halls. Around two and a half thousand students made it feel like we were all cavemen in rush-hour traffic. And whenever something unpredictable and stupid happened, say like a fight, it meant a closed road. I remember in those days it used to piss me off being around that many people at once in such an enclosed space where if I didn't move to the flow, chaos would ensue. And honestly, it might still if I were to relive it again. I think that's one thing that I'm glad to have left behind.

In contrast, it was no better when two and a half thousand students was massively reduced to just one. There was a day in a later time when I managed to sneak past the faculty in order to avoid dreadfully taking part in a large-scale field trip. The whole school was going except for me, and I instead wandered the halls acting like it was normal for me to be there alone. But what I thought would be peaceful, being away from people, for the most part anyway, was actually quite disturbing. It was eerie being the only and lone soul in a wide, long-stretched, and grey hallway. I don't remember too well how it felt, but I do remember thinking that it was unnatural and surreal. It was hostile and alien. I was used to being touched as I walked, and then one day I could outstretch my arms and invade the space of nothing. I remember the windows that lined the walls had shown me the field and area outside of my school and it was the same out there as it was inside: malign, oppressing, and unwelcoming. It actually wracked my nerves.

Positive recollections do exist within my memories; in fact, I am truly thankful for the past, all of it. They say that you carry your life with you on your back, and they're right. My burden started heavy, weighing me down like shackles to a prisoner. ...The mind is very much like a prison. I was tightly bound to one mentality until I was set free from myself. And then from there, I was able to experience the adventure of what is mental and emotional growth. The moment that I had shed all of my weight was when my steps no longer shook the earth and I shrank into the tiny size of a man. It humbled me, maturing. I realized that I was hauling so much excessive baggage that it was I who was responsible for my own aching and fatigue. It was no easy journey meeting this revelation, however. My story is bittersweet. Happy endings don't always work out like how we want them to, I'm sure you know. But I can tell you this. Sometimes, the only thing you can change is your perspective. And often, it's the only change that needs to be made.





Here is the description for "Saturation and Bloom" on Wattpad:
Intrinsically, the individuals you come across on whichever path of life you choose to walk will collide with you. Greater than you know or can expect. Greater than whatever faith you have blindly accepted. And they will redirect your course of movement whether for better or worse. This is a peek into the past of a very lucky somebody who has graduated from the early trials of life and has moved on to the next.



This is going to be a coming-of-age story for mature readers as heavy and controversial topics will be explored. If anybody is interested in following this, I'm writing it on Wattpad. My username on there is the same here but without the space.


I'd also like to thank Clairvoyance and uwupolice for being so supportive.

 

[Le Foxe]

Salut, mon amie! Might I review this chapter of yours? Though it will be but the opinion of a modest fox, and not the words of a proper critic.

It is, as you say, heavy. From the outset, I like how the monologue gradually builds up your desired atmosphere. The first three paragraphs inform the reader that some real, profound questions are being asked. One feels the coming of the story, if that makes sense to you, and more importantly, just what kind of story it probably is. Oui. And then over the second section it gets serious. Perhaps a bit too hard, even, for I must confess I flinched at first. This does not necessarily mean that it's a bad thing, just that I am not used to seeing someone react to silence and open space with words such as hostile, malign, or oppressed. Ah, but I am a fox! Could you expect otherwise from me?

Have you already rewritten this? Looking past grammar or words you probably shouldn't have started sentences with (could hardly find any myself), it definitely feels like it could use some more refinement. Oui. I would refine it some more, until it reached that oh so very fine and hard to achieve "sounds just right" point, all the while being careful to maintain that buildup that you've already got going on. In particular it is the very last paragraph that I feel would most benefit from a layer of polish.

The path your protagonist takes... It is a difficult one, yes? So will it be for you to see them through. But you are on your way!

 

[Devious Dilbert]

Salut, mon amie! Might I review this chapter of yours? Though it will be but the opinion of a modest fox, and not the words of a proper critic.

It is, as you say, heavy. From the outset, I like how the monologue gradually builds up your desired atmosphere. The first three paragraphs inform the reader that some real, profound questions are being asked. One feels the coming of the story, if that makes sense to you, and more importantly, just what kind of story it probably is. Oui. And then over the second section it gets serious. Perhaps a bit too hard, even, for I must confess I flinched at first. This does not necessarily mean that it's a bad thing, just that I am not used to seeing someone react to silence and open space with words such as hostile, malign, or oppressed. Ah, but I am a fox! Could you expect otherwise from me?

Have you already rewritten this? Looking past grammar or words you probably shouldn't have started sentences with (could hardly find any myself), it definitely feels like it could use some more refinement. Oui. I would refine it some more, until it reached that oh so very fine and hard to achieve "sounds just right" point, all the while being careful to maintain that buildup that you've already got going on. In particular it is the very last paragraph that I feel would most benefit from a layer of polish.

The path your protagonist takes... It is a difficult one, yes? So will it be for you to see them through. But you are on your way!

Thank you so much for taking the time to read through this and give me your words.
As for refinement, I most likely will take a look back at this and polish it a bit more before I start on the second chapter. I have to admit, most of this was freestyle as I had absolutely no idea on how to open and introduce the themes that will be explored throughout the rest of the novel. I was hoping for it to hit you with something right from the start, so I'm glad you think that it starts very heavily. I'm also glad that you think i'm building this up in the right way. Maybe with more refinement like you said, I can perfect the opening.

 

[Idea]

Very well, I have it a couple reads and let's see... don't say I didn't warn ya about the harshness

First of all, let's break the ice with some compliments. Your writing was beautiful, the style really flows and gets a reader immersed in the atmosphere of the story very early. There's a certain tone of grandiose that is just versatile enough , making it aesthetically (and yes, I actually mean, aesthetically) very pleasing. It's also true that you did a wonderful job in getting into the character's mindset despite some setbacks I'll address next, but nonetheless giving great expertise and showing a good awareness of the character...maybe a bit too good really.

But I'll set that aside now, and talk about the way you are trying to shove things down our throats from the beggining. It's never easy to start a story, but the philosophical start is a real boobitrap and you triggered practically all of them. The first thing you do is introduce the main character and immediately you present him as someone who didn't use to believe in fate, which implies they were wrong on some level. This is pitfall 1, right there: trying to impose a view as right or wrong without development. Readers without an investment in these topics will feel lost or bored , while readers who are invested in this topics will feel outraged that you are blatantly biasing the course of the story or even worse, taking this concept and not even think about how you are using it or it's implications.
Furthermore , with that first sentence your most critical readers already put down the book never to look at it again. The first line is one of the biggest pitch points in a book, authors spend weeks on that alone to make it great, and you just wasted it on one of the biggest cliche starts of the 21st century.

Remember that your first line, followed by your first paragraph is the standard staple for defining the entire tone of the story. You start with a good long joke if you want comedy. If you start with punching and explosions , one is probably looking at an action story. A murder or body being found? Mystery. So ask yourself, what is a reader that only reads your first pagraph gonna think? You make statements about life matter-of-factly, introduce things in a way that one cannot help but feel is a bit half-assed, try to stuff in edginess and your writing somehow sounds really good... Yet in the middle of all this, while we were introduced to the thematic we know very little about what kind of narrator or main character we're gonna see or the direction of the plot. We can suspect the overall tone will be dark, but suspect is all we have. The vibe that one gets from your first paragraph is that this an aimless self-righteous or pretentious story.

My phone battery is about to run out, so I'll post this for now and finish up soon.

 

[Devious Dilbert]

Very well, I have it a couple reads and let's see... don't say I didn't warn ya about the harshness

Nah, I wanna hear all that you can say, even if they're all negative things. I won't learn if everybody just showers me with compliments.

I think you have some good things to say. Lemme know when you finish up that post.

 

[Idea]

Very well, so picking up from where I left I need you to understand that from here on out, anyone that keeps reading is gonna have, to an extent at least, the impression that you are looking down on them. This will piss a lot of people out of the mood to accept and go along with the events in your story and the way you trying imposing views from the main character´s perspective is gonna affect people´s ability to relate to them because you didn´t clarify it was that: a perspective.
Of course, some people will be fine with this. After all, most people aren´t reading criticially so your writing style may be really carrying it for you. Aesthetics are, after all, a matter of taste, one of the few things that actually is. However, remembr that if you content confuses people too much, they won´t be able to keep up and drop even if they are enjoying the writing. This is pitfall 2 of philosophical begginings, alienating your audience. For the same reason you won´t read a book in hieroglyphs or ancient runes, since you can´t understand it, a book with too much unexplained lingo, even if the words do exist and are clearly defined somewhere, may be too much work for an audience, especially in this kind of book.

Your second paragraph is a lot better than the first. It is short, which is not a bad thing, and does well to proceed form the first with the focus on the mc´s personal experience, thus not falling into the high and mighty tone of the first. While it does spoil a little as to the later contents (or it´s an outright lie which will upset many readers), the idea that the ones affecting the main character "were driven by malice" does spike some curiosity, as to what they did then.

However, your third paragraph rollercoster´s right back down. This is pitfall number three of philosophical begginings, three pitfalls that hurt character, plot and the reader´s respect and attention. This pitfall is when you are get so immersed by the way you are talking about philosophical ideas from the perspective of a character that the "show don´t tell" rule vanishes from your head and you start having the character self-describe their own mindset. I assume that if you are even attempting to write a book, you at least know what the "show don´t tell" rule is, so I don´t think I have to explain further as to how that can be harmful.



Moving on, we reach the actual story part. Your third paragraph´s one good merit was that it actually communicated well that we were going into one giant flashback in the rest of the story. Albeit weakly, this gives some form of impression as to what kind of narrator to expect as an experienced reader, and if you are not experienced then you are likely more interested in being surprised than quality writing anyway. So good job there, but keep in mind it´s a little late. The fact that this kind of info was dropped only at the third paragraph lost you many readers at this point, especially the kind with credentials.

So the first couple "story paragraphs" give us an impression of the setting and time the story takes place in and our first look into the character´s mindset. The first paragraph is once again severly lacking on the "show don´t tell rule", while the second is fixing that a little and really immersing into the perspective of this character. We learn this character has some form of social anxiety, which is suprisingly common and easy to relate to, giving this so far pretty annoying character a possibility at a second chance to make themselves likeable. It is also around this part, at my third read, that I started seeing your trick to flowing writing a bit better, and that is, you are brilliant at connecting sentences and paragaphs. One can easily move from one idea to the next and never really seem to break away, making your writing very appealing to read and follow.

Now I don´t know if this was on purpose, but the story being in first person we haven´t got a clue what the gender of the character is. If it was on purpose, congrats, job well done! If not, then it´s a big misstep and one of the few things you could (but probably wouldn´t have to anyway, given there are plenty of clues you could use) outright tell instead of showing. But neither was present. In the type of story you are writing, we really need to be sold on the idea this could be a real person. And unlike what some say, being a person involves having a gender. And a body for that matter, since we also have no clue as to how this character looks like. Even non-aesthetic traits, just plot relevant aspects like height, fitness, etc... could go a long way.

Of course, this phenomenon I just pointed out really makes something else stand out. Something so annoyingly obvious I tried denied it at the first read and a mistake so basic I thought I would never have to point it out. And the explanation behind the strange mastery of perspective that suddenly appeared in the second and third story paragraphs when it was so lacking before. This character is no less than a self insert. We don´t usually think our names or describe our own appearance but we know how we experience things very well... And going by RPN standards it´s clear you were quite possibly caught in such a wave of social anxiety.

Maybe you didn´t intend to write a self-insert, but the character was not distanced from your own perspective enough. I am not just saying it because your description is good, it´s phenomenal, but the signs also point to a self insert to badly it physically hurts me just thinking about it, because I really don´t like having to accuse characters like this.

From there, things derail pretty much as you´d expect. What started as good development focused on the character turns into a self-pity festival, with more breakings of the "show don´t tell rule" to spice it up. Compared to your last paragph of story, your first one wasn´t so bad, and that´s saying a lot from a critical perspective.




So overall my thoughts? If not for the summary of the plot, we never got any. Just vague, edgy statements and philosophical ponderings that hurt your story more than helped. Your writing was amazing as far as connecting your story goes, but the fact exposition is being shoved down our mouths faster than we can care about it at all, will scare away people who are confused and will annoy those who aren´t. Paragraph after paragraph, more and more each time, your forget to have a point to what you are saying and instead add what seems more like filler at the end of the day. At the START of your story, point where NOTHING should be filler.

And at the root of all this, lies the fact that your entire story is reliant on one character, but you made that character into such a painfully self-insert character that your story overall is like a drunken knight at a tavern, blantantly lying about how they killed a hundred thousand when they killed maybe five. It´s a lie, and it´s gonna sound fake and it´s not gonna hold up until you truly let the fiction become it´s own living breathing thing and stop trying to plug your things so heartfelt.

If someoe says "I write from the heart and that´s why my writing is so good", that is one bloody lie. Even the greatest last minute speeches were reviewed several times, sometimes on the fly, to correct minor mistakes. Emotion is just an inspiration, your task as a writer is to mold that, and let it cool away, while staring at it from all angles like you could never yourself to weed out the imperfections. It´s no easy task and few have the talent to really do it. Your writing, let me say again, is excellent. And maybe you have a goo message too. But good medicine can be hard to swallow and trying to shove it in by force will likely result in people being even more resistant to it next time.


I hope you find my review useful and good luck!

 

[Devious Dilbert]

Very well, so picking up from where I left I need you to understand that from here on out, anyone that keeps reading is gonna have, to an extent at least, the impression that you are looking down on them. This will piss a lot of people out of the mood to accept and go along with the events in your story and the way you trying imposing views from the main character´s perspective is gonna affect people´s ability to relate to them because you didn´t clarify it was that: a perspective.
Of course, some people will be fine with this. After all, most people aren´t reading criticially so your writing style may be really carrying it for you. Aesthetics are, after all, a matter of taste, one of the few things that actually is. However, remembr that if you content confuses people too much, they won´t be able to keep up and drop even if they are enjoying the writing. This is pitfall 2 of philosophical begginings, alienating your audience. For the same reason you won´t read a book in hieroglyphs or ancient runes, since you can´t understand it, a book with too much unexplained lingo, even if the words do exist and are clearly defined somewhere, may be too much work for an audience, especially in this kind of book.

Your second paragraph is a lot better than the first. It is short, which is not a bad thing, and does well to proceed form the first with the focus on the mc´s personal experience, thus not falling into the high and mighty tone of the first. While it does spoil a little as to the later contents (or it´s an outright lie which will upset many readers), the idea that the ones affecting the main character "were driven by malice" does spike some curiosity, as to what they did then.

However, your third paragraph rollercoster´s right back down. This is pitfall number three of philosophical begginings, three pitfalls that hurt character, plot and the reader´s respect and attention. This pitfall is when you are get so immersed by the way you are talking about philosophical ideas from the perspective of a character that the "show don´t tell" rule vanishes from your head and you start having the character self-describe their own mindset. I assume that if you are even attempting to write a book, you at least know what the "show don´t tell" rule is, so I don´t think I have to explain further as to how that can be harmful.



Moving on, we reach the actual story part. Your third paragraph´s one good merit was that it actually communicated well that we were going into one giant flashback in the rest of the story. Albeit weakly, this gives some form of impression as to what kind of narrator to expect as an experienced reader, and if you are not experienced then you are likely more interested in being surprised than quality writing anyway. So good job there, but keep in mind it´s a little late. The fact that this kind of info was dropped only at the third paragraph lost you many readers at this point, especially the kind with credentials.

So the first couple "story paragraphs" give us an impression of the setting and time the story takes place in and our first look into the character´s mindset. The first paragraph is once again severly lacking on the "show don´t tell rule", while the second is fixing that a little and really immersing into the perspective of this character. We learn this character has some form of social anxiety, which is suprisingly common and easy to relate to, giving this so far pretty annoying character a possibility at a second chance to make themselves likeable. It is also around this part, at my third read, that I started seeing your trick to flowing writing a bit better, and that is, you are brilliant at connecting sentences and paragaphs. One can easily move from one idea to the next and never really seem to break away, making your writing very appealing to read and follow.

Now I don´t know if this was on purpose, but the story being in first person we haven´t got a clue what the gender of the character is. If it was on purpose, congrats, job well done! If not, then it´s a big misstep and one of the few things you could (but probably wouldn´t have to anyway, given there are plenty of clues you could use) outright tell instead of showing. But neither was present. In the type of story you are writing, we really need to be sold on the idea this could be a real person. And unlike what some say, being a person involves having a gender. And a body for that matter, since we also have no clue as to how this character looks like. Even non-aesthetic traits, just plot relevant aspects like height, fitness, etc... could go a long way.

Of course, this phenomenon I just pointed out really makes something else stand out. Something so annoyingly obvious I tried denied it at the first read and a mistake so basic I thought I would never have to point it out. And the explanation behind the strange mastery of perspective that suddenly appeared in the second and third story paragraphs when it was so lacking before. This character is no less than a self insert. We don´t usually think our names or describe our own appearance but we know how we experience things very well... And going by RPN standards it´s clear you were quite possibly caught in such a wave of social anxiety.

Maybe you didn´t intend to write a self-insert, but the character was not distanced from your own perspective enough. I am not just saying it because your description is good, it´s phenomenal, but the signs also point to a self insert to badly it physically hurts me just thinking about it, because I really don´t like having to accuse characters like this.

From there, things derail pretty much as you´d expect. What started as good development focused on the character turns into a self-pity festival, with more breakings of the "show don´t tell rule" to spice it up. Compared to your last paragph of story, your first one wasn´t so bad, and that´s saying a lot from a critical perspective.




So overall my thoughts? If not for the summary of the plot, we never got any. Just vague, edgy statements and philosophical ponderings that hurt your story more than helped. Your writing was amazing as far as connecting your story goes, but the fact exposition is being shoved down our mouths faster than we can care about it at all, will scare away people who are confused and will annoy those who aren´t. Paragraph after paragraph, more and more each time, your forget to have a point to what you are saying and instead add what seems more like filler at the end of the day. At the START of your story, point where NOTHING should be filler.

And at the root of all this, lies the fact that your entire story is reliant on one character, but you made that character into such a painfully self-insert character that your story overall is like a drunken knight at a tavern, blantantly lying about how they killed a hundred thousand when they killed maybe five. It´s a lie, and it´s gonna sound fake and it´s not gonna hold up until you truly let the fiction become it´s own living breathing thing and stop trying to plug your things so heartfelt.

If someoe says "I write from the heart and that´s why my writing is so good", that is one bloody lie. Even the greatest last minute speeches were reviewed several times, sometimes on the fly, to correct minor mistakes. Emotion is just an inspiration, your task as a writer is to mold that, and let it cool away, while staring at it from all angles like you could never yourself to weed out the imperfections. It´s no easy task and few have the talent to really do it. Your writing, let me say again, is excellent. And maybe you have a goo message too. But good medicine can be hard to swallow and trying to shove it in by force will likely result in people being even more resistant to it next time.


I hope you find my review useful and good luck!

There's a lot of things I'd like to say/add/ask for more on this, but it'd have to be when I get home.
I'm getting the vibe that there's a few things that you either didn't quite get or you were trying too hard to grasp the littlest something and try to blow it up into a huge detail. But this could also be something on me and not you at all. A lot of your points were also directed at something far beyond the first chapter, which I think you kind of forgot that this is just the first and was cut extremely short. However, again, an argument could be made here as well.

I'm interested in asking you some other things and having a conversation about this if your level of criticism reflects how "well-versed" you are in the writing process (Can't really think of a better set of words for this in psychology class, LOL). Probably in a pm in case this ends up being spam, LOL.

 

[Idea]

which I think you kind of forgot that this is just the first and was cut extremely short

But the thing is that. The first chapter is the most important chapter there is. Sure, every chapter is important, but the way you begin things is what sells a story and is what sets how everything else will be. My complaints all took into consideration that this is just the start and all the things I said you were missing at the start are things that, by norm, should ALWAYS be present at the start. Of course, authors can take artistic licence on this for the explicit purpose of conveying a certain point by bending the rules, but that really didn´t seem like the case here.

I'm getting the vibe that there's a few things that you either didn't quite get or you were trying too hard to grasp the littlest something and try to blow it up into a huge detail.

Even the smallest of details is of great critical importance. The tiny details is what sets the mediocre from the good and the good from the great and the great from the perfect, albeit from what I know the latter doesn´t exist yet. And more: tiny details have implications. So sure, maybe there were things I didn´t understand, in fact there were likely several things I didn´t understand, but the questions are "did I not understand because I wasn´t looking carefully enough in my five reads of this or were you not clear enough?" And "What degree of impact did not understanding actually have versus the negatives I pointed out of the things I understood perhaps even better than you yourself?"

 

[Idea]

In either case, feel free to contact me. I welcome a good discussion and don´t mind answering questions or concerns. My knowledge is based on my research, which in turn in based on both theoretical understanding and explanations of how writing is done, and on the experience of certain published authors who own podcasts, blogs, youtube channels or the like.

There is also my own experience RPing, writing unplublished stories and my avid reading, but those are not very solid credentials at all, so don´t bother about them.

 

[Devious Dilbert]

But the thing is that. The first chapter is the most important chapter there is. Sure, every chapter is important, but the way you begin things is what sells a story and is what sets how everything else will be. My complaints all took into consideration that this is just the start and all the things I said you were missing at the start are things that, by norm, should ALWAYS be present at the start. Of course, authors can take artistic licence on this for the explicit purpose of conveying a certain point by bending the rules, but that really didn´t seem like the case here.


Even the smallest of details is of great critical importance. The tiny details is what sets the mediocre from the good and the good from the great and the great from the perfect, albeit from what I know the latter doesn´t exist yet. And more: tiny details have implications. So sure, maybe there were things I didn´t understand, in fact there were likely several things I didn´t understand, but the questions are "did I not understand because I wasn´t looking carefully enough in my five reads of this or were you not clear enough?" And "What degree of impact did not understanding actually have versus the negatives I pointed out of the things I understood perhaps even better than you yourself?"

These are actually the exact reasons why I said that arguments could be made. But I'd still like to go into an in-depth talk about this whole thing, LOL