Revna Eris
Overachiever
Note to clarify: I'm not looking for mental help this is just a VERY long rant and recounting of my past with various communities and issues with social aptitude. I felt the need to rant and wanted to try to post. I am in a much better place now but sometimes the memories get to me and I felt like perhaps I could share! I don't need or want advice. Though I know it may come off that way. With that said... I'm just gonna let loose.
I've always struggled with people, and maybe its because every community has issues. But sometimes the saying of "if everyone's the problem, then its probably not them, its you" gets to me. Now I admit I've done wrong. I can't sit here and pretend like I haven't. Everyone fucks up, everyone makes mistakes, everyone has moments where if they shared them maybe they'd be seen as a bad person.
The first group I was in was smaller. But I never picked up on social cues. I was about 14 or 15 at the time. I don't entirely remember. I was enthusiastic, I wanted to help as much as I possibly could! But a lot of the older members of the group (17-18 roughly) all had issues with me that they never communicated. I was called a "psycho bitch" I was accused of "trying to steal the spotlight" in the group. And I'd never intended for any of that. I just wanted to have fun and make friends.
And I didn't learn my lesson. In 2020 I made the decision to join another community. Which seemed fine. But the best way I can try to describe this community was... A hivemind? Maybe? I guess? Everyone would spout the same ideals, shame those who dared to complain or think differently, and get them to then spout the same ideals. I was put down, treated like something was wrong with me, and maybe there is. There's this piece of me though that couldn't listen to them, that couldn't understand. I fucked up, I can't deny there were places where I could've done better. But "holding friends accountable", "calling friends out", all of that went out the window for neutrality, unless I had done something wrong. If I was wronged, it didn't matter. People would let it go for the sake of "being neutral" and move along. Which was fine, I let it go and walked away. However, if I wronged someone in a moment of instability, I was treated like the worst person imaginable and had to make apologies to several different people and sit in calls hours long trying to explain myself.
Everyone wanted to talk about "understanding" and "getting to know people", but no one actually wanted to do that. I eventually came to conclusion that, the person they knew, the person that they claimed to care about and ME, were two different people. Not because I acted differently around them, but because they built this weird idealized version of me in their heads that was sweet, and calm, and handled things perfectly. A version of me that didn't go through any of what they SAW me go through. I was in denial I didn't want to believe it. I had friends outside the community telling me that if I felt this way I should leave. In turn, I'd make excuses to try to explain that they didn't mean it! They didn't MEAN to give a pass to the person who constantly left me out of everything. They didn't MEAN to give a pass to the person who shared extremely personal things about me and didn't communicate to me how when, or why. They knew these people better, they hung out with them more, their reactions were normal!
That's what I told myself anyway... I do have very close friends, some of which I've known for years. On some level I admit I feared that they just wouldn't tell me the truth in my wrong doings, because they always seemed to stick by my side. I know now that this is indeed false. However, people are still as difficult as ever.
I don't quite listen the same way I used to, where I would open my heart and try to comfort. I find it difficult to socialize and try to reach out to people and talk. At the end of the day, people seem to act like they fear me but what they don't know is that I fear them... Because I don't understand them nor can I. I point out red flags, I try to get people to understand me but to them I'm the one who needs help. No. I'm just neuroatypical. Again, that's what I like to tell myself... My lack of empathy over the past couple years has drained and I've become more jaded and cynical.
But why would I admit this to a widely public forum, when I admit I'm afraid of people?.. The answer's simple. Because no one really knows me here, and they probably don't remember me if they once did. So what's a rant? I'll more than likely be seen as a red flag or fucked up, and that's okay. People will avoid me then. I can't try to change myself any more, to try to be this idealized version everyone wants. If I'm not actively hurting anyone, if I'm not breaking the law, if I work on myself at my own pace, why can't people just let me be? Why does it have to be that I'm unstable, or "psychotic", or "crazy"? Why does it have to be that I'm a "liar" or "two-faced"? If anyone who actually saw things happening, listened to me, it would be different. Because then they'd actually understand that its not that I wanted to be that way. I accept I did what I did wrong, but it didn't come out of nowhere. Maybe its better off this way though. Keeps me safe, keeps my friends safe too. Keeps me out of the cycle that was destroying me mentally day in and day out.
I probably sound like I should be avoided. As much as I don't understand people, I can understand the sentiment. You keep to your secrets, and I'll spill mine. I'm a mess. I can't pretend that I'm not, but I'm trying. I know not everyone is terrible. Perhaps I've just had bad luck. If you've read all the way through, I hope perhaps it helped you in some way? Or maybe entertained at the least. I'm just going to keep doing me, and hope that it works out eventually.
I've always struggled with people, and maybe its because every community has issues. But sometimes the saying of "if everyone's the problem, then its probably not them, its you" gets to me. Now I admit I've done wrong. I can't sit here and pretend like I haven't. Everyone fucks up, everyone makes mistakes, everyone has moments where if they shared them maybe they'd be seen as a bad person.
The first group I was in was smaller. But I never picked up on social cues. I was about 14 or 15 at the time. I don't entirely remember. I was enthusiastic, I wanted to help as much as I possibly could! But a lot of the older members of the group (17-18 roughly) all had issues with me that they never communicated. I was called a "psycho bitch" I was accused of "trying to steal the spotlight" in the group. And I'd never intended for any of that. I just wanted to have fun and make friends.
And I didn't learn my lesson. In 2020 I made the decision to join another community. Which seemed fine. But the best way I can try to describe this community was... A hivemind? Maybe? I guess? Everyone would spout the same ideals, shame those who dared to complain or think differently, and get them to then spout the same ideals. I was put down, treated like something was wrong with me, and maybe there is. There's this piece of me though that couldn't listen to them, that couldn't understand. I fucked up, I can't deny there were places where I could've done better. But "holding friends accountable", "calling friends out", all of that went out the window for neutrality, unless I had done something wrong. If I was wronged, it didn't matter. People would let it go for the sake of "being neutral" and move along. Which was fine, I let it go and walked away. However, if I wronged someone in a moment of instability, I was treated like the worst person imaginable and had to make apologies to several different people and sit in calls hours long trying to explain myself.
Everyone wanted to talk about "understanding" and "getting to know people", but no one actually wanted to do that. I eventually came to conclusion that, the person they knew, the person that they claimed to care about and ME, were two different people. Not because I acted differently around them, but because they built this weird idealized version of me in their heads that was sweet, and calm, and handled things perfectly. A version of me that didn't go through any of what they SAW me go through. I was in denial I didn't want to believe it. I had friends outside the community telling me that if I felt this way I should leave. In turn, I'd make excuses to try to explain that they didn't mean it! They didn't MEAN to give a pass to the person who constantly left me out of everything. They didn't MEAN to give a pass to the person who shared extremely personal things about me and didn't communicate to me how when, or why. They knew these people better, they hung out with them more, their reactions were normal!
That's what I told myself anyway... I do have very close friends, some of which I've known for years. On some level I admit I feared that they just wouldn't tell me the truth in my wrong doings, because they always seemed to stick by my side. I know now that this is indeed false. However, people are still as difficult as ever.
I don't quite listen the same way I used to, where I would open my heart and try to comfort. I find it difficult to socialize and try to reach out to people and talk. At the end of the day, people seem to act like they fear me but what they don't know is that I fear them... Because I don't understand them nor can I. I point out red flags, I try to get people to understand me but to them I'm the one who needs help. No. I'm just neuroatypical. Again, that's what I like to tell myself... My lack of empathy over the past couple years has drained and I've become more jaded and cynical.
But why would I admit this to a widely public forum, when I admit I'm afraid of people?.. The answer's simple. Because no one really knows me here, and they probably don't remember me if they once did. So what's a rant? I'll more than likely be seen as a red flag or fucked up, and that's okay. People will avoid me then. I can't try to change myself any more, to try to be this idealized version everyone wants. If I'm not actively hurting anyone, if I'm not breaking the law, if I work on myself at my own pace, why can't people just let me be? Why does it have to be that I'm unstable, or "psychotic", or "crazy"? Why does it have to be that I'm a "liar" or "two-faced"? If anyone who actually saw things happening, listened to me, it would be different. Because then they'd actually understand that its not that I wanted to be that way. I accept I did what I did wrong, but it didn't come out of nowhere. Maybe its better off this way though. Keeps me safe, keeps my friends safe too. Keeps me out of the cycle that was destroying me mentally day in and day out.
I probably sound like I should be avoided. As much as I don't understand people, I can understand the sentiment. You keep to your secrets, and I'll spill mine. I'm a mess. I can't pretend that I'm not, but I'm trying. I know not everyone is terrible. Perhaps I've just had bad luck. If you've read all the way through, I hope perhaps it helped you in some way? Or maybe entertained at the least. I'm just going to keep doing me, and hope that it works out eventually.
