My very own rp poem stash

[Idea]

Hi there! So, to add flavor to my rps, I occasionally write down some poetry. I was wondering if it is actually good though. what do you think? I shall be posting some of it in this thread.


Today`s poem is a lullaby written in a fantasy setting. My character requested another to sing it as part of a training exercise.


Four Cradling Winds


Whispering from far away,


four cradling winds running astray.


Beautiful tales they brought for long,


homes as distant as the reach of this song.


From cold and snow came North


from where beast and man strive to go forth.


The wind of the child that in ice laid warm,


it shall blow away the storm.


From sand and gold came East,


from no food comes the greatest feast.


The wind of the child that of heroes dreams,


it shall blow away the nightmare streams.


From sea and salt came South,


from where there can be no drought.


The wind of the child that sought the world


It shall blow away the treacherous words.


From forest and cities came West


from where great man have their rest.


The wind of the child with eternal love,


shall blow away the bad luck dove.


The tales of each child,


the winds saw spread and pile,


and so will the one in the cradle that swings,


the child protected by the four cradling winds

 

[Idea]

Second poem is a short one, that one of my characters came up after being teased on the quality of his compliments. As such, it does not have a name.


"Step here" and "step away"


her eyes commanded me,


beautiful, night and day.


Come, come and see.


Join me now, crowds


hear this new tale


of a woman envied by the clouds,


mightier than the great whale.


She was kind, she was bold,


just like the flames of her heart


just like the beautiful smile of which I was told.


She was the God`s great work of art


 
This next one is one I came up with not during an rp, but I really liked it, so I thought I`d use it.


Eyes of a Blind Man


Haunting shadows of the long lost light,


that conceal wisdom not sought


and hold the mistery of the forbidden sight


that is hidden in the eyes of a blind man.


Breaking shadows that never


the light of a wounded mend can fix,


proof that informed does not mean clever


is hidden in the eyes of a blind man.


Burning light, given by heaven,


yet one sleeps on caves, afraid to loose sight


of the burying grounds, and the wonders seven


not wanted by the eyes of a blind man.





Cloudy stars, away from the ship,


unwritten signs by the road,


unveiled only by the unheard grip


of the unheld eyes of a blind man.


Fate sealed by boundless freedom,


with a leaving despair for the arriving hope,


strange happiness given with gloom


arisen from the eyes of a blind man.

 

[Grey]

Would you like feedback? Following a recent outburst by a member who doesn't appreciate my efforts to help people improve, I've decided to ask before opening my mouth.

 

[Idea]

Would you like feedback? Following a recent outburst by a member who doesn't appreciate my efforts to help people improve, I've decided to ask before opening my mouth.

Yeah, sure hit me. If I don`t like it, I should be doing a better job.

 

[Grey]

I like Four Cradling Winds, conceptually and in terms of the imagery, but I think you kneecapped yourself with that rhyme scheme.


It feels clunky and forced you to choose words that rob it of the appropriate gravitas. Funnily enough I think structured as a Pantoum it'd work really well.


Untitled poem by your character is pretty fitting, for an impromptu thing. Whether or not you really want advice there depends on whether or not the character should have been a good poet.


Eyes of A Blind Man is conceptually compelling, but the structure is undisciplined and you're hurt by your vocabulary choices - it's not quite incoherent, but it struggles to impart meaning. For example:


'the light of a wounded mend can fix,


proof that informed does not mean clever'





That second line is great, but the preceding one makes no sense even within the context of the poem. It reads like it was meant to be a clever play on words, but falls badly short.


You're certainly not doing badly here, but there's plenty of room for improvement.


This might help: https://www.rpnation.com/threads/between-the-words-a-poetry-tutorial.94456/


Some people insist poetry doesn't benefit from formal study, but I noticed a significant improvement in my own work when I tried it.

 

[Idea]

I like Four Cradling Winds, conceptually and in terms of the imagery, but I think you kneecapped yourself with that rhyme scheme.
It feels clunky and forced you to choose words that rob it of the appropriate gravitas. Funnily enough I think structured as a Pantoum it'd work really well.


Untitled poem by your character is pretty fitting, for an impromptu thing. Whether or not you really want advice there depends on whether or not the character should have been a good poet.


Eyes of A Blind Man is conceptually compelling, but the structure is undisciplined and you're hurt by your vocabulary choices - it's not quite incoherent, but it struggles to impart meaning. For example:


'the light of a wounded mend can fix,


proof that informed does not mean clever'





That second line is great, but the preceding one makes no sense even within the context of the poem. It reads like it was meant to be a clever play on words, but falls badly short.


You're certainly not doing badly here, but there's plenty of room for improvement.


This might help: https://www.rpnation.com/threads/between-the-words-a-poetry-tutorial.94456/


Some people insist poetry doesn't benefit from formal study, but I noticed a significant improvement in my own work when I tried it.

I cannot thank you enough for your comment and neither could I agree more that poetry beneficts from formal study and that there`s a lot of room for improvement in my poems.


I would still like to reply to specifics you mentioned, though.


In the Four Cradling Winds I was attempting to write a lullaby. As such, I had to sing every verse to make sure it fit a certain tone and rithym (that word is misspelled). The rhyme scheme was placed that way so it`d fit a more harmonious sound and that it introduced the rhyme before it left the ears, so to speak. As for the conceptual and "rob it of the appropriate gravitas" part, I was also trying to make a sort of map fro the rp using this lullaby. I tried to add elements to define each major region of the world in question. I would like to ask what a Pantoum is, though, since it might help me improve (note: I have not yet looked into the link you gave me. If it is in there, I`m sorry)


Eyes of a Blind Man was the first poem I wrote and it was based on be being impressed by a blind man that passed by me and seemed to have memorized where to pass his card in the subway (okay, that sentence made no sense, I`m sorry for lacking some vocabulary). I`d say those are the reasons it is undisciplined. Any (specific) suggestions on improving it?


As for the meaning, I filled that poem with references and meanings that I noted down on a paper sheet, but I`d have to go through some stuff to find it now. I can still try if you want, though.


The untitled poem was supposed to be written by a decent poet (so not BAD but not top-tier either) over teasing. The rhymes are forced, that I realized, but I thought it okay to leave it as it was.


Anyway, thanks for the insight again, I hope I can do better next time!

 

[Hisame154]

I rather enjoyed Eyes of a Blind Man. The first stanza gripped me and held me to keep reading. You have a great gift of attention grabbing, hold true to that.

 

[Idea]

I rather enjoyed Eyes of a Blind Man. The first stanza gripped me and held me to keep reading. You have a great gift of attention grabbing, hold true to that.

Thank you very much, I will do my best.

 

[Hisame154]

Thank you very much, I will do my best.

No doubt you'll do well.