Advice/Help Lore problems.

[RoyalPhoenix32]

Hello~! I'm having some trouble with my lore. I have it fairly set but I would like some advice on either to expand it or simplify it. I'll post the lore for two things I have. One is the lore on guardians and the other is the normal lore.
Guardian lore:

Guardians, mortals that belong to the order of Paracletus Tutella. They have powers over certain aspects like the gods but mortal bodies inhibit godly powers. Paracletus Tutella has been around for thousands of years and 30 guardians have graced its mantle of names. Some guardians are long dead while others are in hiding, waiting for the world to need them once more. It was an ancient war that forced the guardians to go into hiding, many had lost their lives to protect themselves while fleeing into hiding.

Normal Lore:

The dawn and dusk. Ever an eternal dance to bring and cast the sun away. The dawn brings new hope and renewal while dusk brings slumber and revelry. But why must two people cast their lives to bring a balance to the dawn and dusk? The dawn must at times yield to the dusk and vice versa. It is how it has been since time immoral. Two mortals, chosen by the goddess of dawn and the god of dusk, must perform a dance to set the balance right if the said balance is upset. Gender is irrelevant as is class or race. The goddess of dawn and god of dusk wish not to war with the other for balance so they chose two mortals to be their counter parts. The dance is performed in an area known only to them and the dawn and dusk. Only one comes out alive with the dance and the other's life sets the balance aright.

I would like feedback as well since I do have a small story that the lore is based off of.

 

[Idea]

Well, this lore could be easily expanded by going over the ramifications. However, before I get into that, I´ll give some direct feedback on my first impressions of what I read here. I apologize in advance for any harsh words or hard criticism I may use.

As I read through this, what was going through my mind was "typical". It´s a type of lore that is quite generic and thus depends heavily on execution and expressiveness to have any interest. The biggest problem I see here is, in my honest opinion, the fact that it was precisely the things that could make this unique that you utterly failed to adress. Those things are, in fact, the foundation of a good story of this sort.

I´m speculating here, but this story seems like it was made from the topdown, that is, you first had an idea for a character, a moment in the actual plot or just the plot and then you tried making a lore to fit it... I say this only because you don´t develop the conflict or war, your magic system is boring and plain (not to mention pretty much entirely unexplained) and the focus group has no special interest other than being typical "chosen ones". Looking back at it, in fact, from this I can´t even tell what time period it is supposed to be set in.

But of course, I´m not just here to bash. How does one fix the problems I pointed out?

The basic answer is "explain stuff". Explain why and how things happened or are and think about what happens because of them. Why did people do X or Y, what were the exact events that allowed them to make it? If everyone can fly, why the crap would anyone bother building roads? If magically growing food is possible, would farming or hunting be any more than just pure hobbies?
Be sure to make clear what your concepts mean as well. What is "an order", for example?

Here are a few direct questions taken from your lore:

Guardians

they guard what? Who named them?

mortals

we have 0 information about these gods here

order

there are many kinds of orders. But who started it? By whose authority, who grouped them, why an order, what are their duties and structure exactly and many other such questions

Paracletus Tutella

does this have a meaning? If it does, why is it in a different language than everything else? If it doesn´t, again, who picked this name and why?

They have powers over certain aspects like the gods but mortal bodies inhibit godly powers

how, why and is there any kind of rule to this or is just a random pointless free-for-all? And if it is the latter, then how come they just accept people into that select group just like that?

aracletus Tutella has been around for thousands of years

s. Some guardians are long dead while others are in hiding

mortals

how are ANY of them still alive?

waiting for the world to need them once more

when did the world stop needing them and why is some kind of time bomb?

It was an ancient war that forced the guardians to go into hiding,

against whom, for what reason? And if it was a "war" and not a "processecution", doesn´t that make the survivors into the guardians that deserted the fight?

But why must two people cast their lives to bring a balance to the dawn and dusk?

Yes I would like to know too

must perform a dance to set the balance right if the said balance is upset

why?

That, I think, is the doorway that allows a generic thing to flourish into an more intricate and interesting one. Of course, that´s the tip of the iceberg. Languages, cultures, individual legends, geography, and a ton more things can go into developing a rich lore.

However, do remember. Consistency is paramount. If you drop that, it´s not an automatic failure, but you can say bye bye to anyone being able to help you or fix the problem. After all, fantasy doesn´t have too many rules to begin with. So if you break the ones you establish yourself, anything can happen, and that usually means something bad will happen.

 

[RoyalPhoenix32]

Idea
No No! Your helping me by pointing out the flaws and possible ways to fill in those holes. I love how to take the time to point out every flaw I have in my lore and then ask why it is important. While I did recently expand on the ending lore, this certainly brings to light some things that need to be addressed. Thank you for the suggestions on how to clear this Lore I have currently.

 

[Idea]

anytime. I like people who can take criticism with civilty

 

[RoyalPhoenix32]

Idea
Currently fixing the lore in my rp right now. Explaining what Guardians is first priority

 

[RoyalPhoenix32]

Alright. I think the lore answer some of your questions but not all, I did take out one sentence and that was on the mortal bodies with godlike powers.

 

[RoyalPhoenix32]

Guardians, mortals that belong to the order of Paracletus Tutella. These mortals can be any creature as as they do not exhibit immortality. Paracletus Tutella is Latin for protector and has been around for thousands of years and 30 guardians have graced its mantle of names. Some guardians are long dead while others are in hiding, but it is not known how many are still alive. The world once needed them when a war upset a time balance. It was the same war that forced the guardians to go into hiding, many had lost their lives to protect themselves while fleeing into hiding. The reason of whom they fought against isn't known but they do not wish for the same thing to happen again. It was they who kept the public unaware of what happened when the Equilibrium Dance began and let the the dance fade into just mere gossip.

And to answer of one of your questions on why it was named that and who named it, No one really named it that way. It was an old order that fell out of grace before coming back under the banner of the Guardians. The guardians don't really guard anything but the keep Equilibrium to the many aspects of the universe. Idea

 

[RoyalPhoenix32]

The number of guardians that have graced its halls should be 300 instead of 30

 

[Idea]

And to answer of one of your questions on why it was named that and who named it, No one really named it that way. It was an old order that fell out of grace before coming back under the banner of the Guardians.

the problem with that, you see, is that orders are a form of social organization. That implies an order cannot exist without someone organizing one, coming up with it. So someone had to create it, and that someone had to name it in the firstplace. Old as it may be, someone did it.

The guardians don't really guard anything but the keep Equilibrium to the many aspects of the universe

so...why guardians then?
and what equiliblrium? though this area is probably one where you can fall into the "suspension of disbelief part", I think it´s still worth at least thinking about that question. What exactly is becoming more that the guardians have to make less and that if it were o become less, they would have to make more?


but most importantly, the whole matter of how any of them is still alive at all after thousands of years, as mortals, is still on the table

 

[RoyalPhoenix32]

Idea Good point on that. Even though it's been thousands of years, once a guardian graces the halls of the order, they are granted a longer life in order to protect those that need them. A few centuries is possible for a human guardian to live but other creatures are accepted into the order and granted, along with the human guardians, a power boost. As to why there are less guardians in the beginning of the rp, the guardians often pass down their status to either an apprentice or family they have. Not many guardians do this. To make more guardians, the order would have to revive and begin recruiting. But as to who created this order, I still haven't the name yet.

 

[Idea]

Even though it's been thousands of years, once a guardian graces the halls of the order, they are granted a longer life in order to protect those that need them.

by whom?

A few centuries is possible for a human guardian to live but other creatures are accepted into the order and granted, along with the human guardians, a power boost

how?

Not many guardians do this

why not?

 

[RoyalPhoenix32]

Idea A fountain they keep guarded but even then it doesn't always appear. They have back up water from the fountain whenever a new guardian graces them. The water is blessed by spirits and mixed with alchemical ingredients to elongate ones life but also provides the power boost. Since not many guardians give up their status to family or their apprentice, they search for a place to lay to rest and place a test for the one who will be the next guardian of their status.

 

[Idea]

The water is blessed by spirits

what spirits?

mixed with alchemical ingredients

I won´t question what kind of alchemy would enlongate life, that is within suspension of disbelief, but... Does this mean that aside from powers of the divine the guardians have, alchemy is a secondary form of magic here?

Since not many guardians give up their status to family or their apprentice, they search for a place to lay to rest and place a test for the one who will be the next guardian of their status

so, they´re self-centered idiots? Well, I guess that does solve my earlier question of how such a random system of selection can be so refined in who is chosen. Answer: it isn´t.

 

[RoyalPhoenix32]

Idea It was that way for a good thousand years but, it goes to apprentices and family more often. Some guardians just think that way when they know their family or apprentice well enough to know that their status could cause bad (couldn't damn well spell the word I want) things could happen. As for spirits, bound spirits that help with the process of elongating life. And yes alchemy is secondary form of magic

 

[Idea]

As for spirits, bound spirits that help with the process of elongating life

that still doesn´t explain what spirits are. Are they the souls of the dead? Representations of some natural force? Deities?

It was that way for a good thousand years but, it goes to apprentices and family more often. Some guardians

Since not many guardians give up their status to family or their apprentice

And yes alchemy is secondary form of magic

ok. Surely you see the ramifications? This means a normal person would be able to use magic, if they simply had some knowlege from alchemy.

 

[RoyalPhoenix32]

Idea The spirits are forms that represent the deities. I'll think on the alchemy bit more. I would say the formula they use only can be used in junction with the spirits water but then again someone would to replica the formula and elongate their own life.

 

[Idea]

well, alchemy could have lots of purposes. And in my honest opinion, the layman having the possibility of a say in the matters of magic would make your idea miles more interesting and open a whole bunch of doors for the plot.

 

[RoyalPhoenix32]

Idea True. It could open many doors but to how to for it to the plot is something I need to work on

 

[Idea]

but to how to for it to the plot

what?

 

[RoyalPhoenix32]

Idea Sorry it should say, but how to make it work into the plot

 

[Idea]

well, I´m afraid I shouldn´t say that. After all, that story you have and your RP are supposed to be your creations. How to incorporate new elements is something you need to decide yourself

 

[RoyalPhoenix32]

That was just a moment of thinking out loud but the normal lore possibly needs to get looked at again since I rearranged the sentences and added some

 

[RoyalPhoenix32]

The dawn and dusk. Ever an eternal dance to bring and cast the sun away. The dawn brings new hope and renewal while dusk brings slumber and revelry. The dawn must at times yield to the dusk and vice versa. Two mortals, chosen by the goddess of dawn and the god of dusk, must perform a dance to set the balance right if the said balance is upset. But why must two people cast their lives to bring a balance to the dawn and dusk? The reason is only known the God of Dusk and Goddess of Dawn. It is how it has been since time immoral. Gender is irrelevant as is class or race. The goddess of dawn and god of dusk wish not to war with the other for balance so they chose two mortals to be their counter parts. The dance is performed in an area known only to them and god and goddess. Only one comes out alive with the dance and the other's life sets Equilibrium to the dawn and dusk. It isn't know to the common man as the Guardians wished the knowledge fade with memory. The guardian of light and guardian of shadows are chosen to dance the dance of Balance to right the wrongs of those who would upset the balance of dawn and dusk. The last guardian of light sacrificed their life to set the Balance aright and a stop to the war. Now the Balance stirs from alignment, and the dye is cast. The goddess of dawn and god of dusk choose their dancers and wait for them to dance. But who will come out alive and who will die to set the dawn and dusk aright?

Hope it clears up some confusion but might add more questions

 

[Idea]

it does solve some, but it doesn´t really raise any more than there were before

 

[RoyalPhoenix32]

Ok what questions are still unanswered