Other I’m tired (nothing but word vomit)

[NotinthisUniverse]

I’m tired, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I thought things would be different but it’s the same cycle repeated over and over again. I don’t think I’ve ever allowed myself to express anything but obedience. Being complicit in situations that I needed to stand up for. But I’m was and still am terrified, I’ve been in survival mode for so long that I don’t even recognize the person I’ve become.
I don’t know who I am anymore. Being codependent allowed me to put on a bunch of different masks, allowed me to be different people in the moment. I don’t have a sense of self. I’m just a little kid trapped in an 18 years old body, just going through the motions of the day. I’m so fucking tired. I’m tired of crying, losing myself in substances so I don’t feel anything, I’ve been numb for so long that I just bottle myself up. Give parts of myself to what people need me to be. I just see myself as a disappointment, a once gifted child. I had everything going for me until I just broke, and it’s been broken ever since.
Fuck, man I don’t even know if this shit even makes sense. But yeah, my mental health has hit an all time low. Just reflecting on my childhood and overall trauma that I’ve suppressed for so long that I don’t even remember anymore. Uh, I dunno I’ll see how things go but I doubt things are gonna get better. I just wanna escape is all.

 

[Enkerzed]

Every time I see threads like this, I'm reminded of the saying 'laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and you weep alone' and whenever I'm going through hardships of my own, I realize just a little more how awfully true this is, but then again maybe it doesn't have to be. I'm 27 years old and I'm at where you are now (minus the substances), so I don't know what I can say to help. I wish I could, but I guess we're both stuck in the same boat, so I'll just say this: however long it takes, I hope we can both somehow make it to the other side of this shitty ride. Doesn't have to be in one piece, as long as we make it... so yeah, that's it. Sounds pretty corny, I know, but it's the best I've got. Whatever else, just know that you're not alone.