ChillyTiger
queen of prose and coffee
I'm not sure where to put this other than this site; I don't know of anywhere else where there are so many roleplayers who have as many shared experiences as here. I've tried talking about this to others, but they either don't write and don't understand or, in most cases, they can only offer surface-level condolences. Not their fault, but I'm still stuck with the same problem.
And, as the title says - I can't write anymore.
Everyone says that you shouldn't care what others say about your writing, and I agree with them. Write because you like it. Write what you want, and have fun with it. Unfortunately, that's what I did. I started a roleplay with someone I'm still involved with, and I cared so much about that roleplay that I nearly obsessed over it - my characters, the world, tiny little details that would only be fun for the two of us - you know the stuff. Everyone's had a roleplay or two like that before. Essentially, I cared a lot about this roleplay. And I cared about my partner as well. I was cranking out several posts a day, and 90% of our OOC chat messages were notifications that each other had posted (and we talked nearly constantly). It was perfect.
Then one day I start struggling with my posts. It wasn't anything to do with this, I was just having issues with the scene we were in and trying to figure out what my character might do without self-inserting by default too much (something I was really trying to work on at the time). I wrote out an entire post in the span of a few hours as opposed to my usual few minutes and went to bed relieved. That night, though, I decided I really didn't like how I'd written my character's actions and decided to go into our Google Doc where we were playing and change the events before my partner saw the post the next morning. Luckily, I finished the changes before they noticed and went to bed happy. After they responded and the scene had progressed, I asked them for feedback about the post in question to see what they thought about what I'd written. I don't remember what the feedback was now, but I assume it was along the lines of "fine" or "good", because I then jokingly told them about the version I might've posted had I not decided to change it (it was "jokingly" because I often unfortunately make jokes about myself so if others bring me down about it, I sort of beat them to the punch). That didn't work this time. Once they read through my description, they admitted that they were glad I had it changed to how it was currently, because if I had posted what I had originally intended, they would have quit the roleplay.
And I sort of just...shut down. Originally it was responded to with a "haha, yeah, good thing I changed it" type of outlook, but I think it had a much bigger effect than that. I'm kind of going through it as I'm writing this. It wasn't just because they wouldn't have liked what I posted. It has nothing to do with receiving "negative" feedback, or critiques, or finding out that what I would have written might actually have been not as good as what I did write. I completely would have agreed (and still do) if that were the case. It was because my entire "writing career", I've been told that I should write what I wanted to write, and not write for anyone else, and I found out in two seconds that what I thought was good and fine and okay enough to continue with was inherently so bad that it would have made someone quit our roleplay entirely - a roleplay that again, we both loved to write and make little details for. It changed my entire outlook on my writing. Now, everything I write seems bad. I no longer ask for feedback from anyone because I'm terrified that it'll be the same result. I tried at some points to help fix this issue and while I would often get positive criticism, it's really, really hard to believe them. I'm going to leave my anxious overthinking out of this equation, because I'm sure plenty of people know what those thoughts can be and this post will end up being longer than anything I've managed to write in the last few months, but it isn't easy to accept.
And now, I can't write. I'm in three different roleplays, all of which are stalled because of me and this issue. I want to write, I have the desire to write, and I have ideas for plots, characters, scenes, etc. But when I sit down to write and I actually have to type words, I can't. I lock up. I freeze. I get this sick, heavy feeling in my stomach like I'm dreading even having to read my own writing, because it obviously can't be good. I tear myself apart before I even begin. I want so badly for the words to already be written, but I can never get started for long before holding the backspace and starting from square one. And if I do manage to get a post out, I read it over and over again obsessively, changing punctuation marks and wording and sentence structure long after my partner(s) have already read it and responded. And I hate it all the same. I think of about a million different reasons why it's bad and could be better, and how everyone else's work is perfect in comparison to mine, but I can never bring myself to actually rewrite anything because I don't have the skill to do it. I'll just sit there, with a blank screen ahead of me and a million ideas in my head, and nothing will happen. I'll get anxious, I'll panic, I'll self-criticize to the point of my own destruction, and then I'll close the tab or the server and just find something non-writing related to do.
I've only ever told one person about this before. She was kind, and supportive, but she doesn't write, and therefore can't offer me much more advice than the same, good old, "Write what YOU want to write, not for anyone else". I love the quote "A first draft is always perfect, because all it has to do is exist" - and that's true. But roleplays are entirely first drafts. Entirely. In my experience, you don't really get to go back and change them. So my posts have to be perfect on the first try - and, I can't trust myself to believe me or anyone else that they're good in quality, because apparently what I think is good has the ability to be so bad that it makes some people quit beloved roleplays upon reading them.
I'm sorry for rambling on for so long. Honestly, this was the most coherent and confident I've been writing anything in a long time. I'm reaching out for advice, or just for people who write to let me know they understand. Sharing an experience like this would honestly make me feel a ton better, because I'd know I wasn't alone. But if you can help, or think you can, please do, it's welcome. My roleplays are dying. My passion for writing is fading. I think about quitting 20 times a day and the only reason I don't is because I love my ideas and I would absolutely hate to let my partners down.
At the very least, thank you for listening.
~ Chilly
And, as the title says - I can't write anymore.
Everyone says that you shouldn't care what others say about your writing, and I agree with them. Write because you like it. Write what you want, and have fun with it. Unfortunately, that's what I did. I started a roleplay with someone I'm still involved with, and I cared so much about that roleplay that I nearly obsessed over it - my characters, the world, tiny little details that would only be fun for the two of us - you know the stuff. Everyone's had a roleplay or two like that before. Essentially, I cared a lot about this roleplay. And I cared about my partner as well. I was cranking out several posts a day, and 90% of our OOC chat messages were notifications that each other had posted (and we talked nearly constantly). It was perfect.
Then one day I start struggling with my posts. It wasn't anything to do with this, I was just having issues with the scene we were in and trying to figure out what my character might do without self-inserting by default too much (something I was really trying to work on at the time). I wrote out an entire post in the span of a few hours as opposed to my usual few minutes and went to bed relieved. That night, though, I decided I really didn't like how I'd written my character's actions and decided to go into our Google Doc where we were playing and change the events before my partner saw the post the next morning. Luckily, I finished the changes before they noticed and went to bed happy. After they responded and the scene had progressed, I asked them for feedback about the post in question to see what they thought about what I'd written. I don't remember what the feedback was now, but I assume it was along the lines of "fine" or "good", because I then jokingly told them about the version I might've posted had I not decided to change it (it was "jokingly" because I often unfortunately make jokes about myself so if others bring me down about it, I sort of beat them to the punch). That didn't work this time. Once they read through my description, they admitted that they were glad I had it changed to how it was currently, because if I had posted what I had originally intended, they would have quit the roleplay.
And I sort of just...shut down. Originally it was responded to with a "haha, yeah, good thing I changed it" type of outlook, but I think it had a much bigger effect than that. I'm kind of going through it as I'm writing this. It wasn't just because they wouldn't have liked what I posted. It has nothing to do with receiving "negative" feedback, or critiques, or finding out that what I would have written might actually have been not as good as what I did write. I completely would have agreed (and still do) if that were the case. It was because my entire "writing career", I've been told that I should write what I wanted to write, and not write for anyone else, and I found out in two seconds that what I thought was good and fine and okay enough to continue with was inherently so bad that it would have made someone quit our roleplay entirely - a roleplay that again, we both loved to write and make little details for. It changed my entire outlook on my writing. Now, everything I write seems bad. I no longer ask for feedback from anyone because I'm terrified that it'll be the same result. I tried at some points to help fix this issue and while I would often get positive criticism, it's really, really hard to believe them. I'm going to leave my anxious overthinking out of this equation, because I'm sure plenty of people know what those thoughts can be and this post will end up being longer than anything I've managed to write in the last few months, but it isn't easy to accept.
And now, I can't write. I'm in three different roleplays, all of which are stalled because of me and this issue. I want to write, I have the desire to write, and I have ideas for plots, characters, scenes, etc. But when I sit down to write and I actually have to type words, I can't. I lock up. I freeze. I get this sick, heavy feeling in my stomach like I'm dreading even having to read my own writing, because it obviously can't be good. I tear myself apart before I even begin. I want so badly for the words to already be written, but I can never get started for long before holding the backspace and starting from square one. And if I do manage to get a post out, I read it over and over again obsessively, changing punctuation marks and wording and sentence structure long after my partner(s) have already read it and responded. And I hate it all the same. I think of about a million different reasons why it's bad and could be better, and how everyone else's work is perfect in comparison to mine, but I can never bring myself to actually rewrite anything because I don't have the skill to do it. I'll just sit there, with a blank screen ahead of me and a million ideas in my head, and nothing will happen. I'll get anxious, I'll panic, I'll self-criticize to the point of my own destruction, and then I'll close the tab or the server and just find something non-writing related to do.
I've only ever told one person about this before. She was kind, and supportive, but she doesn't write, and therefore can't offer me much more advice than the same, good old, "Write what YOU want to write, not for anyone else". I love the quote "A first draft is always perfect, because all it has to do is exist" - and that's true. But roleplays are entirely first drafts. Entirely. In my experience, you don't really get to go back and change them. So my posts have to be perfect on the first try - and, I can't trust myself to believe me or anyone else that they're good in quality, because apparently what I think is good has the ability to be so bad that it makes some people quit beloved roleplays upon reading them.
I'm sorry for rambling on for so long. Honestly, this was the most coherent and confident I've been writing anything in a long time. I'm reaching out for advice, or just for people who write to let me know they understand. Sharing an experience like this would honestly make me feel a ton better, because I'd know I wasn't alone. But if you can help, or think you can, please do, it's welcome. My roleplays are dying. My passion for writing is fading. I think about quitting 20 times a day and the only reason I don't is because I love my ideas and I would absolutely hate to let my partners down.
At the very least, thank you for listening.
~ Chilly
