Having trouble sharing

[folclor]

*deep breath* There's no easy way to say this... As a person who runs RPs I do what I assume everyone else tries to do: run a good RP and make it fun for the players.


However, recently I find myself becoming inexcusably jealous if I find out one of my better or more active players has joined someone else's RP or, somehow worse, is doing an RP with a player I rejected or kicked out. This is unhealthy, though it is partially the product of treating the running of my RPs as a full time job.


I don't want to be that possessive person. Any advice on how to get over myself?

 

[call me rae]

Well first I would stop looking at where they're posting outside of your roleplay.


second I'd ask myself if them being in other roleplays effects their performance in yours


Thirdly I'd just remind myself it's not personal. Different people have different criteria for roleplay that have nothing to do with how you run things.

 

[folclor]

Thank you. That is quite a good way to look at it.

 

[folclor]

Ah, I see. Yes, my husband was warning me about letting my RPs get too precious... It is likely that they are...


hmm, while I don't believe it's wrong to participate in multiple RPs (or in a myriad of other people's RPs), it has become obvious that the players get something entirely different out of it than the DM/GM/Threadmaster... so it's fair for a player to shop around while the person running the RP is so invested in their work that they get frustrated at what is normal human behavior.

 

[Mordecai]

Ah, I see. Yes, my husband was warning me about letting my RPs get too precious... It is likely that they are...
hmm, while I don't believe it's wrong to participate in multiple RPs (or in a myriad of other people's RPs), it has become obvious that the players get something entirely different out of it than the DM/GM/Threadmaster... so it's fair for a player to shop around while the person running the RP is so invested in their work that they get frustrated at what is normal human behavior.

I am going to politely agree with you here. Saying a player is 'simple minded' if they don't stay invested in a story is putting all the blame on your players and taking no accountability for yourself as a GM. I am entirely invested in all of my group roleplays. I post, I'm active, I'm engaged... but I'm in three of them, all with different GMs. Does that make me 'simple minded'? Naw. It just makes me have more free-time than one roleplay allows me to post.


So, that's how I would look at it. When one of your players joins another roleplay, don't think of it as them abandoning you... or being 'simple minded.' Think of it as them having more time on their hands. Group roleplay doesn't always move super fast, and don't usually allow a player to post multiple times a day, so they're probably just looking for an additional outlet, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're any less invested in yours!


As @nerdyfangirl said above, if it still bothers you, just don't look. Easier said than done, but eventually it'll become a habit not to scour your players' walls.

 

[folclor]

well, exactly. And that was something I've been thinking about as well... a player is looking for a lot of different things (as each is a person, each person looks for different forms of entertainment in their RPs). I can't join other people's RPs very often because of what I do in mine. I just don't have the energy. But it is unfair to expect that same level of devotion from my players. My RPs aren't the most inventive stories in existence by any means.


Also, yeah... group RPs can be very slow sometimes. You're entirely right. And, no, at no point do I think my players 'simple minded.' They all have different levels of experience but it is supposed to be a fun thing for all involved.

 

[welian]

However, recently I find myself becoming inexcusably jealous if I find out one of my better or more active players has joined someone else's RP or, somehow worse, is doing an RP with a player I rejected or kicked out.

I completely and totally feel you, I've been there. I was infatuated one of my more skilled roleplayers a few years ago. I was completely devastated when he left my RP, and continued to roleplay with She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, who left the RP early but then brutally burned some bridges by being a very unpleasant person.


Truthfully, there's no singular way to get over that kind of RPer jealousy, hopefully you'll just find one day that it bothers you less than it did before. Also, definitely heed Mordecai's advice. It's less energy to be in a roleplay, than to run one. Less people run roleplays, than only participate in them. Therefore, more people are going to be in multiple roleplays, because they have the time to do that and it is in no way any sort of reflection on you or your skills as a DM.

 

[folclor]

I completely and totally feel you, I've been there. I was infatuated one of my more skilled roleplayers a few years ago. I was completely devastated when he left my RP, and continued to roleplay with She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, who left the RP early but then brutally burned some bridges by being a very unpleasant person.
Truthfully, there's no singular way to get over that kind of RPer jealousy, hopefully you'll just find one day that it bothers you less than it did before. Also, definitely heed Mordecai's advice. It's less energy to be in a roleplay, than to run one. Less people run roleplays, than only participate in them. Therefore, more people are going to be in multiple roleplays, because they have the time to do that and it is in no way any sort of reflection on you or your skills as a DM.

Thank you ^^ that means quite a lot. But, yes, you're right... it is less energy to be in a roleplay than run one.

 

[Epiphany]

Other people have given some great comments. Most of what I can think to say has already been covered. So I'll focus on what's been true from my experience.


Emotions are funny things. They're mental but also intensely physical reactions. From an intellectual standpoint, it's easy to say "Oh, I see someone doing something that leads me to question my own worth. I should probably talk to them or get over it." It's a lot harder to do when you feel that sick pit in your stomach, when your palms sweat and your heart races. When your displeasure and anxiety crawls across your skin like spiders. When you feel jealousy right down your spine.


Others have given great mental advice. My advice is focused on the physical. Things that I find helpful:

• Step away for a while. The body reacts to stimuli. Remove the stimuli and it'll help settle you down.
  
• Do something else for a while. Because the mind is fiendishly good at keeping those feelings going over time if left unoccupied.
  
• Go for a walk. Clean your house. Garden. Do something physical. Beyond distracting the mind, these kinds of things (particularly exercise) tends to override how your body is responding to your mind because your body has to instead deal with what you're doing.
  
• Drink some water slowly. One of the best bits of advice I ever received from a colleague was to always have a bottle of water on hand if you had to give employee bad news or if you thought they'd break into tears. It's virtually impossible to cry, or keep crying, while you're drinking. It's worked every time I've seen it done.
  
• If you're feeling emotional but still want to write a post or engage with people, try writing it on paper first and then typing the result from the paper. Changing the medium in which you write also tends to unplug you a bit from the situation that gave you stress. Chances are you may post something a bit more clearheaded than you would if you just sat right back down and typed it out freeform.
  

Beyond this?


Spend some more time, each time this happens, with people you like and love. Reconnect with your real relationships. You're married? Snuggle up to the spouse, smooch them and watch an episode of something on TV together or run to the store together. In my experience, anxiety about how others feel about you diminishes if you spend time with people that don't make you feel anxious. Indeed, feeling loved and affirmed makes it a lot easier to see someone else looking for those social ties in someone other than you.


Because their desire to play with others doesn't make you any less awesome.


Hope that's helpful!

 

[folclor]

Thanks Epiphany ^^ That is wonderful advice!! I have already begun implementing it ^^

 

[Elle Joyner]

This post is so cute. I don't mean that at all condescendingly! It's just so sweet to see someone who cares about their players enough to get jealous over who else they're playing with.


My thoughts are two fold... On one hand, I think it's classically natural to feel a little bit protective of both your players and your plots. It's something you invest time and energy into, so you want it to work, and when players seem to be dividing their time elsewhere it can feel like they aren't invested.


That said, rp is always supposed to be fun. It's meant to be a hobby... And shouldn't therefore feel like anything more than that. Overinvestment can rob you (and by proxy your players) of the entertainment and can make an rp feel like a chore. It's important to remember not to let yourself get too wrapped up and forget to enjoy yourself.


Players will always bounce around... for many different reasons. Time, interest and compatibility will always factor in. The trick is not to take it personally in any sense, including with jealousy... It's incredibly difficult to let go of the ego behind being a gm, but remembering people are only here to have fun might help make it feel less critical.

 

[ETC]

There's already been a lot of great replies so I don't think there's much more I can add.


If you can take a step back and think about why you're jealous when your rpers join more than your rp, that'd probably help a lot. It's easier to work on problems if you know the source of them. Do you feel a sense of ownership/entitlement over them? Is it out of self-doubt? Needing to be the center of their attention? I can't really answer it for you, but different sources will have different solutions.


If "treating it like a full-time job" is also an indication of the time spent as the effort put into it, don't take this the wrong way, but maybe find another hobby? Like, not as a replacement, but something you can do as well as rp that would take the place of what time you're spending on stalking people's profiles. There's a lot of low-effort options if you think about it. I don't know what your interests are so I can't tell you what else you'd find fun other than rping.


Sorry if I'm assuming too much!


Good luck. ^^

 

[folclor]

There's already been a lot of great replies so I don't think there's much more I can add.
If you can take a step back and think about why you're jealous when your rpers join more than your rp, that'd probably help a lot. It's easier to work on problems if you know the source of them. Do you feel a sense of ownership/entitlement over them? Is it out of self-doubt? Needing to be the center of their attention? I can't really answer it for you, but different sources will have different solutions.


If "treating it like a full-time job" is also an indication of the time spent as the effort put into it, don't take this the wrong way, but maybe find another hobby? Like, not as a replacement, but something you can do as well as rp that would take the place of what time you're spending on stalking people's profiles. There's a lot of low-effort options if you think about it. I don't know what your interests are so I can't tell you what else you'd find fun other than rping.


Sorry if I'm assuming too much!


Good luck. ^^

Haha, thanks. My whole world is online right now as I am... very disabled due to a disease. As I live in a basement apartment and there are 5 steps between the door of my unit and the exit to the apartment building, I am unable to leave unless my husband aids me (wheelchair bound with low arm strength). Because of this, I've made this site and online contacts with irl friends my whole life.


Running these RPs is like a defense mechanism. I cannot control my disease or much of my life. I can control my RPs to a certain extent. Therefore, my best players have become my circle of friends. Watching one of them go to another RP as well as mine causes the irrational jealous reaction.


As far as other hobbies... I've lost my fine motor control. I used to game all the time but I can't see very well anymore and am constantly dizzy. So with aids I'm able to do this. And... Unless the doctors can do something for me... This is my life.


That's no excuse. I'm not the end-all-be-all. I am aware of players having involvement in other RPs and have encouraged it. They shouldn't have to walk on egg shells with me.


Anyway, all or most of the points everyone brought up are valid and will be taken into consideration as I do the necessary but futile human thing of attempting to improve myself. Thank you all for your advice and help.

 

[call me rae]

Haha, thanks. My whole world is online right now as I am... very disabled due to a disease. As I live in a basement apartment and there are 5 steps between the door of my unit and the exit to the apartment building, I am unable to leave unless my husband aids me (wheelchair bound with low arm strength). Because of this, I've made this site and online contacts with irl friends my whole life.
Running these RPs is like a defense mechanism. I cannot control my disease or much of my life. I can control my RPs to a certain extent. Therefore, my best players have become my circle of friends. Watching one of them go to another RP as well as mine causes the irrational jealous reaction.


As far as other hobbies... I've lost my fine motor control. I used to game all the time but I can't see very well anymore and am constantly dizzy. So with aids I'm able to do this. And... Unless the doctors can do something for me... This is my life.


That's no excuse. I'm not the end-all-be-all. I am aware of players having involvement in other RPs and have encouraged it. They shouldn't have to walk on egg shells with me.


Anyway, all or most of the points everyone brought up are valid and will be taken into consideration as I do the necessary but futile human thing of attempting to improve myself. Thank you all for your advice and help.

One last token of advice if you find yourself really struggling with the jealousy just let the players know. People are by in large nice and understanding and no one here wants to cause you or anyone else stress. And as I tell my own partners all the time - I can't fix an issue I'm not aware exists. If it truly bothers you than just let them know - this is how I feel and why. And chances are they'll be willing to accommodate you or at least talk it out with you.