Advice/Help Diversity

[Parzivol]

Lmao, replace “autistic” with a race or class of people. “Ugh, interacting with Indian people is so annoying”

No, not at all. Unless you think being South Asian is a genetic deformity that has tangible impacts on how able one is to communicate with others. In which case you're the one expressing negative racial bias. Dio's difficulties are normal. I'm forever going to be incapable of writing an autstic character because I have not had the experience of autism and I lack the skill to empathize to that level with a complex genetic difficulty. I've had difficulty interacting with my autistic friends and acquaintances in the past. She was simply expressing that difficulty. To get out of it what you did, you'd have to want to get hate out of it.


tl;dr
She struggles to interact with people with autism, she gets frustrated with the interactions because of ineptitude. Not because she hates autistic individuals. Don't be a butt.

 

[Pine]

D d1uni5ys24si3o yeah yep lol! i can't personally relate or express the hyperactive part of adhd because if anything, i'm a lot more lethargic, but i'm glad to hear you could relate! what happened to you makes complete sense from everything i know. in my experience college professors are surprisingly forgiving when you speak to them one on one, even without explanation, so having professors that genuinely had an interest in my well-being was a lot of what got me through.

wrt to autism, idk maybe you're already doing/know this, but i would seriously advise anyone wanting to learn more to seek out people that are ACTUALLY autistic to get information about autism. autism speaks is extremely popular but it is ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE for so many different reasons, but one of those is that its Terrible for ACTUALLY learning more about the disorder. autism speaks and that one show uhhhhh Atypical both focus way too much on the perspective of the parents and how it Inconveniences Them which is just a good way to make autistic people feel shitty and like theyre a burden lol, and so i feel like they dont really teach anything about the disorder itself and makes it seem like autistic people need to be coddled/infantilizes them. but when i actually watched videos from autistic ppl/talked to autistic people i started to understand more about how They can oftentimes get overstimulated, the common ways that autistic people end up coping with this stimulation, how that individual DOES feel great empathy but they just don't naturally change their tone or facial expression the way non-autistic people often do, etc. etc. theres also a hashtag you can look up on almost any social media #ActuallyAutistic that can be a quick way to find personal accounts and people talking about it.

i get what youre saying about it being frustrating because ive felt that way too, but i do think other people on the thread can feel that the phrasing was a little awkward, and for me its been more of an adjustment for Myself than any fault of autistic people. my general advice is just to amp up your communication game and give space until you Know what theyre comfortable with and honestly just try to talk to them and ask. if theyre nonverbal then id say fall back on giving space, because at least right now i (and probably you too) dont feel confident trying to read nonverbal cues. i feel like other autistic people do a much better job with intuitively understanding the social cues given which is why id also suggest as much as possible (from what ive read!) giving autistic kids an autistic adult for any sort of therapy/mentoring/role model etc.

 

[rae2nerdy]

I can relate to about 97% of this lmfao. Except that for some reason I managed to even complete college with barely ever doing homeworks or like stuff... but when I did have to do essays or projects, I begged to be alone cause I didnt want to be pointed out as the lazy one ;_;

Funny enough, i’ve only been diagnosed with adhd at 21 years of age when like... I kept dropping out of university classes cause it was overwhelming ;_;

I was hyper af but kept getting bullied af in elementary school cause I was that aggressive girl always too excited so I toned the fuck down in high school (but I was just cold, popular but miserable cause My skin was crawling with that hyperness. I would exude all that energy by participating and creating a fuck tons of projects — never finishing them — and by doing a lot of sports lol).

In my case, it got worst in adulthood but it’s probably cause it was left undiagnosed, uncared, and I was always reprimanded as being part of my bad personality trait.

Actually not necessarily. Both my mom and I have ADD, mom's a little more hyper but she's also bipolar. So I think in her case it might just be a case of the two things overlapping together. In any event as far as I know mom didn't get much in the way of treatment as a kid but I certainly did. I took meds pretty much all through childhood up until the first go round in college.

And honestly it really did get worse as an adult. I think it's lack of structure and the fact that as an adult your supposed to keep yourself on track. Plus as I got older I had to pay for my own therapy/meds and I couldn't afford either any more.

My mom took meds for awhile and she did better-ish. But I think that's because she got more in the way of study help. She had disability through the school so she could take longer in tests, had all kinds of tutors, and honestly was in a position where she NEEDED to graduate.

Even then it took her a lot of work to finish college. And once she finished and went off the meds I've seen a rapid decline in her ability to focus. Again it's not helped by the bipolar and by the fact that she's on a laundry list of pills at her age. But it is a clear struggle for her to focus most days and getting her on track with anything is an upward battle.


Which actually is something to keep in mind OP. If you have a family of characters with ADD they are going to make one another worse. It's going to be a pretty strained relationship trying to keep everyone on task when each person struggles for much the same reason.

I can't tell you how frustrating it is to try to keep my mother on task when I myself struggle with staying focused. It often feels like a poor swimmer trying to rescue a drowning victim. At the end of the day your both flailing wildly to stay afloat.

 

[Chimney Swift]

D d1uni5ys24si3o yeah yep lol! i can't personally relate or express the hyperactive part of adhd because if anything, i'm a lot more lethargic, but i'm glad to hear you could relate! what happened to you makes complete sense from everything i know. in my experience college professors are surprisingly forgiving when you speak to them one on one, even without explanation, so having professors that genuinely had an interest in my well-being was a lot of what got me through.

wrt to autism, idk maybe you're already doing/know this, but i would seriously advise anyone wanting to learn more to seek out people that are ACTUALLY autistic to get information about autism. autism speaks is extremely popular but it is ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE for so many different reasons, but one of those is that its Terrible for ACTUALLY learning more about the disorder. autism speaks and that one show uhhhhh Atypical both focus way too much on the perspective of the parents and how it Inconveniences Them which is just a good way to make autistic people feel shitty and like theyre a burden lol, and so i feel like they dont really teach anything about the disorder itself and makes it seem like autistic people need to be coddled/infantilizes them. but when i actually watched videos from autistic ppl/talked to autistic people i started to understand more about how They can oftentimes get overstimulated, the common ways that autistic people end up coping with this stimulation, how that individual DOES feel great empathy but they just don't naturally change their tone or facial expression the way non-autistic people often do, etc. etc. theres also a hashtag you can look up on almost any social media #ActuallyAutistic that can be a quick way to find personal accounts and people talking about it.

i get what youre saying about it being frustrating because ive felt that way too, but i do think other people on the thread can feel that the phrasing was a little awkward, and for me its been more of an adjustment for Myself than any fault of autistic people. my general advice is just to amp up your communication game and give space until you Know what theyre comfortable with and honestly just try to talk to them and ask. if theyre nonverbal then id say fall back on giving space, because at least right now i (and probably you too) dont feel confident trying to read nonverbal cues. i feel like other autistic people do a much better job with intuitively understanding the social cues given which is why id also suggest as much as possible (from what ive read!) giving autistic kids an autistic adult for any sort of therapy/mentoring/role model etc.

Just going to jump in and second all of this!
I'd be wary of the #actuallyautistic community on Tumblr, Twitter and Instagram though. A lot of people fake it to seem quirky or relatable

 

[Jannah]

I actually prefer interacting with autistic individuals, but that could be due in part to the fact I DESPISE small talk with a passion. Autistics are less likely to engage in it, from my experiences.

 

[d1uni5ys24si3o]

D d1uni5ys24si3o yeah yep lol! i can't personally relate or express the hyperactive part of adhd because if anything, i'm a lot more lethargic, but i'm glad to hear you could relate! what happened to you makes complete sense from everything i know. in my experience college professors are surprisingly forgiving when you speak to them one on one, even without explanation, so having professors that genuinely had an interest in my well-being was a lot of what got me through.

wrt to autism, idk maybe you're already doing/know this, but i would seriously advise anyone wanting to learn more to seek out people that are ACTUALLY autistic to get information about autism. autism speaks is extremely popular but it is ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE for so many different reasons, but one of those is that its Terrible for ACTUALLY learning more about the disorder. autism speaks and that one show uhhhhh Atypical both focus way too much on the perspective of the parents and how it Inconveniences Them which is just a good way to make autistic people feel shitty and like theyre a burden lol, and so i feel like they dont really teach anything about the disorder itself and makes it seem like autistic people need to be coddled/infantilizes them. but when i actually watched videos from autistic ppl/talked to autistic people i started to understand more about how They can oftentimes get overstimulated, the common ways that autistic people end up coping with this stimulation, how that individual DOES feel great empathy but they just don't naturally change their tone or facial expression the way non-autistic people often do, etc. etc. theres also a hashtag you can look up on almost any social media #ActuallyAutistic that can be a quick way to find personal accounts and people talking about it.

i get what youre saying about it being frustrating because ive felt that way too, but i do think other people on the thread can feel that the phrasing was a little awkward, and for me its been more of an adjustment for Myself than any fault of autistic people. my general advice is just to amp up your communication game and give space until you Know what theyre comfortable with and honestly just try to talk to them and ask. if theyre nonverbal then id say fall back on giving space, because at least right now i (and probably you too) dont feel confident trying to read nonverbal cues. i feel like other autistic people do a much better job with intuitively understanding the social cues given which is why id also suggest as much as possible (from what ive read!) giving autistic kids an autistic adult for any sort of therapy/mentoring/role model etc.

I'll check out the actuallyautistic and all. And yeah professors can be understanding I guess, but not in my psychology department. They're pretty asshole-ish O_O but thats unrelated to the thread xD

And yeah, Atypical was interesting but it was always so negative and stuff... It made it seem like such a big issue, such a big burden and I honestly understood LESS the reactions of the parents then the kiddo xD I found the parents to be exaggerating so much. Then again, it's a drama tv show.

Actually not necessarily. Both my mom and I have ADD, mom's a little more hyper but she's also bipolar. So I think in her case it might just be a case of the two things overlapping together. In any event as far as I know mom didn't get much in the way of treatment as a kid but I certainly did. I took meds pretty much all through childhood up until the first go round in college.

And honestly it really did get worse as an adult. I think it's lack of structure and the fact that as an adult your supposed to keep yourself on track. Plus as I got older I had to pay for my own therapy/meds and I couldn't afford either any more.

My mom took meds for awhile and she did better-ish. But I think that's because she got more in the way of study help. She had disability through the school so she could take longer in tests, had all kinds of tutors, and honestly was in a position where she NEEDED to graduate.

Even then it took her a lot of work to finish college. And once she finished and went off the meds I've seen a rapid decline in her ability to focus. Again it's not helped by the bipolar and by the fact that she's on a laundry list of pills at her age. But it is a clear struggle for her to focus most days and getting her on track with anything is an upward battle.


Which actually is something to keep in mind OP. If you have a family of characters with ADD they are going to make one another worse. It's going to be a pretty strained relationship trying to keep everyone on task when each person struggles for much the same reason.

I can't tell you how frustrating it is to try to keep my mother on task when I myself struggle with staying focused. It often feels like a poor swimmer trying to rescue a drowning victim. At the end of the day your both flailing wildly to stay afloat.

Hahha yeah I feel your mom tho. I've been diagnosed with ADHD but they are considering the possibility of me having ADD and bipolar instead cause my depression is pretty severe when it hits me once in a while, but that's getting too personal lol.

But yeah! Tbf though, having any mental illnesses or disorders, you usually end up having a fucking garbage attention span.

I actually prefer interacting with autistic individuals, but that could be due in part to the fact I DESPISE small talk with a passion. Autistics are less likely to engage in it, from my experiences.

I guess I had the opposite experience. I often engage in a lot more small talk with individuals on the spectrum because the conversation never gets to topics that matter. Saying Hi, hru isnt small talk in my book but some people unfortunately think so lol.

 

[Chimney Swift]

I guess I had the opposite experience. I often engage in a lot more small talk with individuals on the spectrum because the conversation never gets to topics that matter. Saying Hi, hru isnt small talk in my book but some people unfortunately think so lol.

The thing that confuses people like me about those "hi, how are you" exchanges is that they are actually very scripted. It took me a long time to realize that "how are you" was not a prompt to fully explain my current wellbeing, but rather an invitation to state "I'm good" or "I've been better" without much more input.
If you want to engage with us better, it's important to realize that conversations will flow better if you say exactly what you mean.

Not to get too off topic from the original thread, I just wanted to add that in because I thought it was also relevant to writing dialogue involving autistiic characters.

 

[Bone2pick]

And yeah, Atypical was interesting but it was always so negative and stuff... It made it seem like such a big issue, such a big burden and I honestly understood LESS the reactions of the parents then the kiddo xD I found the parents to be exaggerating so much. Then again, it's a drama tv show.

I can't speak to that particular show, because I haven't seen it. But I can speak as a parent of a child who's autistic (as well as another child who isn't) and tell you it's as emotionally challenging as anything I, or my wife, has ever went through. Experiences can vary of course. But there are parental/caregiver support groups for a reason.

 

[d1uni5ys24si3o]

I can't speak to that particular show, because I haven't seen it. But I can speak as a parent of a child who's autistic (as well as another child who isn't) and tell you it's as emotionally challenging as anything I, or my wife, has ever went through. Experiences can vary of course. But there are parental/caregiver support groups for a reason.

How is it challenging for you guys (if i may ask)?

 

[Bone2pick]

How is it challenging for you guys (if i may ask)?

I could write a book. I'm sure other parents have.

Imagine having a son who's old enough for school, but doesn't have the ability to tell you how his day went, or if someone hurt him. Imagine watching your child act terrified of something, but him not being able to tell you what's frightening him. Imagine not knowing if your son will ever learn to read. Or use a phone. Or find his way home should he ever get lost. Or make a friend outside of a family member or therapist.

It's impossible to capture the totality of my wife and I's stress and worry. There are a lot of sleepless nights, long, difficult talks, and tears. I'm not suggesting we're miserable, because we aren't. Far from it. But in my experience, it's an understatement to say that being the parent of a child with a severe disability is emotionally challenging.

 

[d1uni5ys24si3o]

I could write a book. I'm sure other parents have.

Imagine having a son who's old enough for school, but doesn't have the ability to tell you how his day went, or if someone hurt him. Imagine watching your child act terrified of something, but him not being able to tell you what's frightening him. Imagine not knowing if your son will ever learn to read. Or use a phone. Or find his way home should he ever get lost. Or make a friend outside of a family member or therapist.

It's impossible to capture the totality of my wife and I's stress and worry. There are a lot of sleepless nights, long, difficult talks, and tears. I'm not suggesting we're miserable, because we aren't. Far from it. But in my experience, it's an understatement to say that being the parent of a child with a severe disability is emotionally challenging.

Oh, I wish you guys the best!
I do know how difficult it is for some autistic children to make friends.. to my surprise, im often one of the first friend that bother themselves to stay friend... Makes me wonder sometimes why other people cant just be understanding and appreciate differences lol.

 

[kibou]

• mood/personality/mental disorders such as schizophrenia/bipolar/DID/ADHD

Hi hi, I've never been properly screened for mental health disorders so I don't know if all my symptoms can be chalked up to Just DepressionTM or if there's more going on (which I do think there could be but no idea what, hello I am not a doctor) but I have been depressed for almost half of my time alive. I also used to dissociate a lot when I was younger and do still sometimes, and I have low empathy (I'm pretty sure it's a mostly hereditary thing from my dad's side of the family) but I don't consider it to be an inherently bad thing or mental health issue.

Putting the separate things under spoilers because I just love to talk about psychology, so it's kind of a l o t lmao.

Spoiler: depression

Depression is a lot more than just feeling sad, and in fact, I'd say I don't feel sad the majority of the time? Most of the time I just feel super bored and uninterested in everything, an extreme apathy. I also have really low energy.

Lack of interest and apathy can manifest in things like my appetite- it might seem really weird considering my childhood, but from my depression I just have very little interest in most foods. I guess I'm kind of bored of eating? A lot of the time I either have to force myself to get something to eat (and then I feel kind of nauseous because it's like... physically difficult to make myself eat) or I'll get really random, specific cravings and that's the only thing I'll have any desire to eat at all and the only thing that won't make me feel kind of nauseous if I force myself to eat. For awhile it was McFlurrys lmao, and they're not even that high on the icecream tier list!

My energy is so low I have a hard time even doing basic things like watching the new episode of a show I like, or playing video games. It doesn't help that my apathy makes it really hard to find anything I enjoy in the first place.

I have to plan out what times I shower, because I don't always have the energy to do it and I have to re-style my hair if I shower which takes even more energy, and if I don't do my hair I'll have even less energy to go outside my house and do things because part of my depression is extreme perfectionism and needing to make myself not appear to be as depressed as I am.
It actually gets really frustrating and difficult when I have a regular activity to do, like going to work, or if I have to hang out with a friend on separate days close together...

I've had to find other weird work-arounds to my depression, because you never know when you'll have the energy to do something. Normalcy is totally thrown out the window, because if you try to do things like a normal and not-depressed person, they'll never happen.

Feeling like cleaning out my room at 1am? I literally have to, or else who knows when it'll get done. No energy to get out of bed and brush your teeth at set morning/night times? Keep a toothbrush and paste in the shower and do it in the middle of the day when you shower, because at least then it's getting done.

Doing things part or half-way is also hugely essential to coping. Like, maybe you can't do something up to "normal" standards and that might be super discouraging, but it's much more progress than not doing it at all.

Working is a big issue for me, because my work-related stress is way higher than others from mental health problems, and that in turn makes my mental health worse, and it's just a really bad cycle. And I don't really have options other than to just keep trying.

Not to say that it's always just apathy I never have like.. emotional super depressed sad feelings. Those do happen, especially when there's external stressors going on in my life. I never get excessive feelings of guilt like some people do, but I can definitely relate to the hopeless stuff. Like, just being alive and doing the bare minimum can be really hard sometimes, so things can start to feel pretty bleak.

Really bad, low episodes can get to the point where it almost feels like you're reaching the point of delusion for lack of a better term- like no, not everyone hates you and has bad motives to be your friends (as a generic example), and I could probably list out evidence why certain things I think during these low points as false, but I'll still totally be convinced that I'm right. The only way I've found to cope with this is to just like keep totally to myself until I'm feeling better because lord knows if I talk to anyone I'm going to horribly regret it later- even if I'm right! I won't even get into the actual details, but I've talked to a few other people about this and they've said they've experienced similar feelings as this, too.

I used to have problems with worth as well, which is super common in depression because of how much we can struggle with everything you're "supposed" to be able to do in life, but you really can't compare your progress to people who don't have depression. It's classified as a disability for a reason- and I think that's really important for people to understand.

Changes in sleep are also really common- on occasion I'll have insomnia where no matter what I do I'm just not sleepy but most of the time I sleep too much, actually. Like. Up to 15 hours sometimes, because I'm just so fucking exhausted and sometimes you fall back asleep on accident because you wake up with no ability to even muster up the effort to check your phone.

Impaired concentration I also deal with sometimes, but I think it goes back to anhedonia and energy levels for me. Like, if you already have little to no interest in something, and you're tired as fuck, how are you going to be able to concentrate on anything? There's some days you read something like 10 times and absorb none of it, sometimes I can't even watch tv because I just can't pay enough attention to it. Office work is really hard when this happens lmao- I'd almost prefer sometimes to have a physical job where you don't need to think at all.

Restlessness is another weird symptom- you'd think with no energy at all, it wouldn't make sense to be restless, but a lot of the time I find myself feeling this way especially if I've been too tired to do things. Like, I don't like doing nothing all day, and it can make me feel kind of stir crazy sometimes- I need to do stuff but I just can't, so I get super restless.

Spoiler: dissociation

So the types of dissociation I experienced most was depersonalization and derealization. Explaining what those are is really difficult because it expands almost to physical feeling and perception, so it's really hard to understand what it's like if you've never experienced it. Some websites (cough, tumblr) have spread a warped view of what dissociation is- it's not just spacing out or daydreaming.

I'm going to copy and paste a wikipedia description real quick for ease: Depersonalization can consist of a detachment within the self, regarding one's mind or body, or being a detached observer of oneself. Subjects feel they have changed and that the world has become vague, dreamlike, less real, lacking in significance or being outside reality while looking in. It can be a disturbing experience.

Some people describe it as feeling like they're moving through like as an automaton, just going through the motions, some people can feel like they're almost watching their life through a movie screen or in third person, and it often involves in feeling detached from your emotions as well.

Derealization is like that but for reality instead of the self- it's important to note that this is not psychosis though, and people with it don't actually think the world is fake although it can feel like it emotionally, or even physically- which is a really strange and scary thing to experience. Things might actually look off, or it might feel like you're in a dream. You know how sometimes stores re-arrange everything to be in slightly different spots and everything is super familiar, but it just looks and feels off? It's kind of like that but really intense, and for everything. Some people have said that other people feel fake too, and they feel emotionally detached from their environment as well, like nothing matters.

Both can involve trouble concentrating or having "brain fog"- one time I was explaining something to a customer, started dissociating, and totally forgot what we were talking about and just stared blankly at him for a bit and had to force myself to concentrate and remember wtf I was doing.

This is just a meme (click to see it full size), but things like this do happen when you're dissociating sometimes from the brain fog! It can end up kind of funny when it's just harmless but dissociating at your job, or in class, or while driving, and etc can have really bad repercussions. Not to mention that dissociating in itself can be a really unpleasant or scary experience.


Unfortunately I don't have very many good personal examples of how it affected me, though. Other than that there was a short period of time where I was having lucid dreams and it freaked me out because when real life feels like a lucid dream, it can be hard to remember what actually happened and what didn't.

Spoiler: low empathy

Like I said earlier I don't think of this as an inherently bad thing or like a mental disorder, but it's an "unusual experience" I guess, and it gets misrepresented in fiction a lot. I don't really like talking about it to people in terms of myself, because let's be real it sounds super edgy out of context, but I'd also like to hope to provide some more context and information on this topic in hopes that it stops being seen as an edgy thing, and in hopes that a select number of other people don't immediately decide that they hate you/that you're evil because of something you can't control.

People tend to be surprised or straight up don't believe me if I ever tell them this, and honestly with the way empathy is (mistakenly) thought of and portrayed I'm not surprised. To start out, I'll just break it down.

So, in psychology, empathy is usually broken down into two different categories- cognitive and affective. People who are low empathy are usually only low in one type of it.

Cognitive empathy is the ability to understand what other people are feeling- it might include deducing how someone will feel in certain contexts, reading body language, etc. Just essentially understanding other people's emotions, where they come from, when they're feeling them, being able to take their perspective. Usually if someone is autistic and low empathy, this is the kind they're low on.

The word "affective" in psychology contexts refers to emotions. Affective empathy involves emotional contagion and mirror neurons. It's basically your emotional response to other people's emotions- if a friend is sad, you'll probably feel sad or a similar emotion too, and if a friend is happy, you'll probably feel happy for them. This probably sounds like a lame explanation because this is the kind I'm low on.

Probably is a key word here too, because there could always be other circumstances- even in the average population no one's going to be engaging their affective empathy all the time. For example, maybe your friend got a boyfriend and you're really jealous, so you don't feel happy for them in that instance. In a more serious example, lots of bigots and abusers have average/normal empathy, but it's not engaged for the group they dislike or when they're doing something abusive. Lots of people in the medical field have to learn to detach themselves emotionally as well or they'll experience burnout.

Empathy exists on a spectrum- some people are more or less empathetic than others to the point of having so much of an emotional reaction to other people's feelings where it interferes with their life negatively, to not being affected at all.

So what I'm trying to get at here is that empathy is not a precursor to morality or positive/negative behavior whatsoever, only understanding and emotional responses.

What levels of empathy you experience can be influenced by pure genetics or the environment you grew up in, and while it can be a symptom of various mental disorders (depression, autism, various personality disorders, etc) it's not always.

With being chronically, majorly depressed there are some things I'm not sure come from my low empathy and what things don't (but I do know I've had low empathy since I can remember anything, before my depression started, that plus me just knowing my dad's side of the family is why I think it's genetic in my case) but I'll describe my experiences best I can.

I think my least favorite thing about it is that I can't feel happy for my friends. I can definitely try to fake it, but irl it can be difficult sometimes (chronic depression makes everything harder- including emoting!) and when someone is clearly excited to tell me something I can always tell when my lack of mutual excitement disappoints them and they just get so sad. And being happy just feels good! I think it would be really fun to be able to share in someone else's!

I'm also just in general better at giving advice than emotional support- like yeah, I can do both because it's mostly a matter of knowing what to do and say, but what people want a lot of the time is an emotional response I can't genuinely give to them because my brain literally does not work that way. And I wish I could give it to them, because people deserve to have that support, and I want to be able to help my friends, you know? Trying to provide emotional support can get exhausting, too, even though I enjoy being helpful.

I do experience a lot of detachment from the people around me- it's not to say I don't like them, it's just really difficult for me to feel invested, I guess? I'd count the majority of the people I spend time with as acquaintances rather than friends. I know that sounds kinda bad, but I don't consider friendship to be inherently better than acquaintanceship- they're just two different types of relationships, and they both have their pluses. It's one of the reasons I'm not trying to date anyone at the moment- I don't feel like I need to, and because I lose interest really easily, I don't think it would be fair and would only end up hurting the other person in the end- so I'm waiting until I find someone that I know and like long enough to where I won't think this will happen with.

My inability to feel emotionally close to people extends to a lot of different things, tbh- like it's annoying when people I'm not actually close to want a hug, and I haaate when people do that comforting shoulder touch thing when you're upset SO MUCH, it's a massive pet peeve lol. I'm really picky about physical closeness even if I love love love cuddling/hugging/etc with people I actually like. It's not a sensory thing at all- no one likes being touched by someone they're not close to, but my problem is almost all of the people I interact with I don't feel much of anything for at all, so basically I hate being touched, and I think the other low-empathy people I've talked to have similar feelings about this too. Get ya dirty hands off me!

If I'm being honest, I do think it's kind of boring sometimes, and that I might enjoy certain parts of life more if I was more emotionally invested?

There's always exceptions though, and there are absolutely times I get attached to people even if they're rare- I'm really lucky right now to have a small group of online friends I care about, Pine, and one friend irl. I absolutely need to learn how to be more affectionate and genuine, and I think they're really good people, which helps a lot, and it's a slow process but I'm making progress lol.

Some times being detached from people can be useful, though. I've had discussions with my one irl friend about leaving people who do something hurtful or are toxic, and a big difference between us is that I can cut people off if I need to fairly easily, where with her she has a lot of difficulty because of conflicting emotions. If someone does something that hurts me or I think is wrong, I usually don't even have to try to stop caring about our relationship whatever it may be, it happens whether I want to or not, and she expresses to me sometimes that she wishes she could do the same.

I admire people who are kind and loving, and being a good person is important to me too, and honestly, I think people that go out of their way to be assholes to manipulate vulnerable people into getting what they want are kiiind of stupid, besides being assholes? Like, life's a lot better and so much easier too when people want to spend time with and do good things for you because they genuinely like you, and it's so much nicer to do things for and be surrounded by people you genuinely like too!

Imo there's really no excuse to act like a dickhead to people just because you have low empathy.

Also- a common misconception is that people with low/no empathy don't feel emotions, or love, or whatever, but those are two separate issues. I'm totally capable of the same range of emotions as every one else... besides what my chronic depression affects. I can confidently say that I love my cat.

So, the trope of characters being evil or crazy just because they lack empathy and no other reason can be kind of annoying, just because it's inaccurate, and a little bit unimaginative? Emotions are morally neutral things- anger isn't evil, feeling love isn't inherently good, and your brain mirroring the emotions of people around you has no moral weight. Statistically, people with average empathy are the ones who are doing most of the bad things in the world- it's rare to have low empathy. I just don't think it's really right or fair to pass moral judgement on people for aspects of themselves they have no control over, either.

Being bad or good, kind or unkind, is a choice.

Anyways, I'm getting kind of off-topic. The thing is that low empathy does affect many aspects of my personal life and how I see the world to an extent, but at the same time, it doesn't feel like it affects me that much- its just kind of a fact of my life? It's how my brain works, but it doesn't make up or determine my whole personality, and I don't even think about it that often.

I'm tired as fuck rn and had a scare where I almost accidentally deleted this entire post (could you fucking imagine?) so I'm just gonna end all that where it is, but if anyone's got questions about any aspect of what I wrote feel free to reply here or PM me or anything! Like I said I love to talk about psychology, and I think accurate portrayals of this kind of thing can be really important.

 

[Chimney Swift]

• mood/personality/mental disorders such as schizophrenia/bipolar/DID/ADHD

Hi hi, I've never been properly screened for mental health disorders so I don't know if all my symptoms can be chalked up to Just DepressionTM or if there's more going on (which I do think there could be but no idea what, hello I am not a doctor) but I have been depressed for almost half of my time alive. I also used to dissociate a lot when I was younger and do still sometimes, and I have low empathy (I'm pretty sure it's a mostly hereditary thing from my dad's side of the family) but I don't consider it to be an inherently bad thing or mental health issue.

Putting the separate things under spoilers because I just love to talk about psychology, so it's kind of a l o t lmao.

Spoiler: depression

Depression is a lot more than just feeling sad, and in fact, I'd say I don't feel sad the majority of the time? Most of the time I just feel super bored and uninterested in everything, an extreme apathy. I also have really low energy.

Lack of interest and apathy can manifest in things like my appetite- it might seem really weird considering my childhood, but from my depression I just have very little interest in most foods. I guess I'm kind of bored of eating? A lot of the time I either have to force myself to get something to eat (and then I feel kind of nauseous because it's like... physically difficult to make myself eat) or I'll get really random, specific cravings and that's the only thing I'll have any desire to eat at all and the only thing that won't make me feel kind of nauseous if I force myself to eat. For awhile it was McFlurrys lmao, and they're not even that high on the icecream tier list!

My energy is so low I have a hard time even doing basic things like watching the new episode of a show I like, or playing video games. It doesn't help that my apathy makes it really hard to find anything I enjoy in the first place.

I have to plan out what times I shower, because I don't always have the energy to do it and I have to re-style my hair if I shower which takes even more energy, and if I don't do my hair I'll have even less energy to go outside my house and do things because part of my depression is extreme perfectionism and needing to make myself not appear to be as depressed as I am.
It actually gets really frustrating and difficult when I have a regular activity to do, like going to work, or if I have to hang out with a friend on separate days close together...

I've had to find other weird work-arounds to my depression, because you never know when you'll have the energy to do something. Normalcy is totally thrown out the window, because if you try to do things like a normal and not-depressed person, they'll never happen.

Feeling like cleaning out my room at 1am? I literally have to, or else who knows when it'll get done. No energy to get out of bed and brush your teeth at set morning/night times? Keep a toothbrush and paste in the shower and do it in the middle of the day when you shower, because at least then it's getting done.

Doing things part or half-way is also hugely essential to coping. Like, maybe you can't do something up to "normal" standards and that might be super discouraging, but it's much more progress than not doing it at all.

Working is a big issue for me, because my work-related stress is way higher than others from mental health problems, and that in turn makes my mental health worse, and it's just a really bad cycle. And I don't really have options other than to just keep trying.

Not to say that it's always just apathy I never have like.. emotional super depressed sad feelings. Those do happen, especially when there's external stressors going on in my life. I never get excessive feelings of guilt like some people do, but I can definitely relate to the hopeless stuff. Like, just being alive and doing the bare minimum can be really hard sometimes, so things can start to feel pretty bleak.

Really bad, low episodes can get to the point where it almost feels like you're reaching the point of delusion for lack of a better term- like no, not everyone hates you and has bad motives to be your friends (as a generic example), and I could probably list out evidence why certain things I think during these low points as false, but I'll still totally be convinced that I'm right. The only way I've found to cope with this is to just like keep totally to myself until I'm feeling better because lord knows if I talk to anyone I'm going to horribly regret it later- even if I'm right! I won't even get into the actual details, but I've talked to a few other people about this and they've said they've experienced similar feelings as this, too.

I used to have problems with worth as well, which is super common in depression because of how much we can struggle with everything you're "supposed" to be able to do in life, but you really can't compare your progress to people who don't have depression. It's classified as a disability for a reason- and I think that's really important for people to understand.

Changes in sleep are also really common- on occasion I'll have insomnia where no matter what I do I'm just not sleepy but most of the time I sleep too much, actually. Like. Up to 15 hours sometimes, because I'm just so fucking exhausted and sometimes you fall back asleep on accident because you wake up with no ability to even muster up the effort to check your phone.

Impaired concentration I also deal with sometimes, but I think it goes back to anhedonia and energy levels for me. Like, if you already have little to no interest in something, and you're tired as fuck, how are you going to be able to concentrate on anything? There's some days you read something like 10 times and absorb none of it, sometimes I can't even watch tv because I just can't pay enough attention to it. Office work is really hard when this happens lmao- I'd almost prefer sometimes to have a physical job where you don't need to think at all.

Restlessness is another weird symptom- you'd think with no energy at all, it wouldn't make sense to be restless, but a lot of the time I find myself feeling this way especially if I've been too tired to do things. Like, I don't like doing nothing all day, and it can make me feel kind of stir crazy sometimes- I need to do stuff but I just can't, so I get super restless.

Spoiler: dissociation

So the types of dissociation I experienced most was depersonalization and derealization. Explaining what those are is really difficult because it expands almost to physical feeling and perception, so it's really hard to understand what it's like if you've never experienced it. Some websites (cough, tumblr) have spread a warped view of what dissociation is- it's not just spacing out or daydreaming.

I'm going to copy and paste a wikipedia description real quick for ease: Depersonalization can consist of a detachment within the self, regarding one's mind or body, or being a detached observer of oneself. Subjects feel they have changed and that the world has become vague, dreamlike, less real, lacking in significance or being outside reality while looking in. It can be a disturbing experience.

Some people describe it as feeling like they're moving through like as an automaton, just going through the motions, some people can feel like they're almost watching their life through a movie screen or in third person, and it often involves in feeling detached from your emotions as well.

Derealization is like that but for reality instead of the self- it's important to note that this is not psychosis though, and people with it don't actually think the world is fake although it can feel like it emotionally, or even physically- which is a really strange and scary thing to experience. Things might actually look off, or it might feel like you're in a dream. You know how sometimes stores re-arrange everything to be in slightly different spots and everything is super familiar, but it just looks and feels off? It's kind of like that but really intense, and for everything. Some people have said that other people feel fake too, and they feel emotionally detached from their environment as well, like nothing matters.

Both can involve trouble concentrating or having "brain fog"- one time I was explaining something to a customer, started dissociating, and totally forgot what we were talking about and just stared blankly at him for a bit and had to force myself to concentrate and remember wtf I was doing.

This is just a meme (click to see it full size), but things like this do happen when you're dissociating sometimes from the brain fog! It can end up kind of funny when it's just harmless but dissociating at your job, or in class, or while driving, and etc can have really bad repercussions. Not to mention that dissociating in itself can be a really unpleasant or scary experience.
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Unfortunately I don't have very many good personal examples of how it affected me, though. Other than that there was a short period of time where I was having lucid dreams and it freaked me out because when real life feels like a lucid dream, it can be hard to remember what actually happened and what didn't.

Spoiler: low empathy

Like I said earlier I don't think of this as an inherently bad thing or like a mental disorder, but it's an "unusual experience" I guess, and it gets misrepresented in fiction a lot. I don't really like talking about it to people in terms of myself, because let's be real it sounds super edgy out of context, but I'd also like to hope to provide some more context and information on this topic in hopes that it stops being seen as an edgy thing, and in hopes that a select number of other people don't immediately decide that they hate you/that you're evil because of something you can't control.

People tend to be surprised or straight up don't believe me if I ever tell them this, and honestly with the way empathy is (mistakenly) thought of and portrayed I'm not surprised. To start out, I'll just break it down.

So, in psychology, empathy is usually broken down into two different categories- cognitive and affective. People who are low empathy are usually only low in one type of it.

Cognitive empathy is the ability to understand what other people are feeling- it might include deducing how someone will feel in certain contexts, reading body language, etc. Just essentially understanding other people's emotions, where they come from, when they're feeling them, being able to take their perspective.

The word "affective" in psychology contexts refers to emotions. Affective empathy involves emotional contagion and mirror neurons. It's basically your emotional response to other people's emotions- if a friend is sad, you'll probably feel sad or a similar emotion too, and if a friend is happy, you'll probably feel happy for them. This probably sounds like a lame explanation because this is the kind I'm low on.

Probably is a key word here too, because there could always be other circumstances- even in the average population no one's going to be engaging their affective empathy all the time. For example, maybe your friend got a boyfriend and you're really jealous, so you don't feel happy for them in that instance. In a more serious example, lots of bigots and abusers have average/normal empathy, but it's not engaged for the group they dislike or when they're doing something abusive. Lots of people in the medical field have to learn to detach themselves emotionally as well or they'll experience burnout.

Empathy exists on a spectrum- some people are more or less empathetic than others to the point of having so much of an emotional reaction to other people's feelings where it interferes with their life negatively, to not being affected at all.

So what I'm trying to get at here is that empathy is not a precursor to morality or positive/negative behavior whatsoever, only understanding and emotional responses.

What levels of empathy you experience can be influenced by pure genetics or the environment you grew up in, and while it can be a symptom of various mental disorders (depression, autism, various personality disorders, etc) it's not always.

With being chronically, majorly depressed there are some things I'm not sure come from my low empathy and what things don't (but I do know I've had low empathy since I can remember anything, before my depression started, that plus me just knowing my dad's side of the family is why I think it's genetic in my case) but I'll describe my experiences best I can.

I think my least favorite thing about it is that I can't feel happy for my friends. I can definitely try to fake it, but irl it can be difficult sometimes (chronic depression makes everything harder- including emoting!) and when someone is clearly excited to tell me something I can always tell when my lack of mutual excitement disappoints them and they just get so sad. And being happy just feels good! I think it would be really fun to be able to share in someone else's!

I'm also just in general better at giving advice than emotional support- like yeah, I can do both because it's mostly a matter of knowing what to do and say, but what people want a lot of the time is an emotional response I can't genuinely give to them because my brain literally does not work that way. And I wish I could give it to them, because people deserve to have that support, and I want to be able to help my friends, you know? Trying to provide emotional support can get exhausting, too, even though I enjoy being helpful.

I do experience a lot of detachment from the people around me- it's not to say I don't like them, it's just really difficult for me to feel invested, I guess? I'd count the majority of the people I spend time with as acquaintances rather than friends. I know that sounds kinda bad, but I don't consider friendship to be inherently better than acquaintanceship- they're just two different types of relationships, and they both have their pluses. It's one of the reasons I'm not trying to date anyone at the moment- I don't feel like I need to, and because I lose interest really easily, I don't think it would be fair and would only end up hurting the other person in the end- so I'm waiting until I find someone that I know and like long enough to where I won't think this will happen with.

My inability to feel emotionally close to people extends to a lot of different things, tbh- like it's annoying when people I'm not actually close to want a hug, and I haaate when people do that comforting shoulder touch thing when you're upset SO MUCH, it's a massive pet peeve lol. I'm really picky about physical closeness even if I love love love cuddling/hugging/etc with people I actually like. It's not a sensory thing at all- no one likes being touched by someone they're not close to, but my problem is almost all of the people I interact with I don't feel much of anything for at all, so basically I hate being touched, and I think the other low-empathy people I've talked to have similar feelings about this too. Get ya dirty hands off me!

If I'm being honest, I do think it's kind of boring sometimes, and that I might enjoy certain parts of life more if I was more emotionally invested?

There's always exceptions though, and there are absolutely times I get attached to people even if they're rare- I'm really lucky right now to have a small group of online friends I care about, Pine, and one friend irl. I absolutely need to learn how to be more affectionate and genuine, and I think they're really good people, which helps a lot, and it's a slow process but I'm making progress lol.

Some times being detached from people can be useful, though. I've had discussions with my one irl friend about leaving people who do something hurtful or are toxic, and a big difference between us is that I can cut people off if I need to fairly easily, where with her she has a lot of difficulty because of conflicting emotions. If someone does something that hurts me or I think is wrong, I usually don't even have to try to stop caring about our relationship whatever it may be, it happens whether I want to or not, and she expresses to me sometimes that she wishes she could do the same.

I admire people who are kind and loving, and being a good person is important to me too, and honestly, I think people that go out of their way to be assholes to manipulate vulnerable people into getting what they want are kiiind of stupid, besides being assholes? Like, life's a lot better and so much easier too when people want to spend time with and do good things for you because they genuinely like you, and it's so much nicer to do things for and be surrounded by people you genuinely like too!

Imo there's really no excuse to act like a dickhead to people just because you have low empathy.

Also- a common misconception is that people with low/no empathy don't feel emotions, or love, or whatever, but those are two separate issues. I'm totally capable of the same range of emotions as every one else... besides what my chronic depression affects. I can confidently say that I love my cat.

So, the trope of characters being evil or crazy just because they lack empathy and no other reason can be kind of annoying, just because it's inaccurate, and a little bit unimaginative? Emotions are morally neutral things- anger isn't evil, feeling love isn't inherently good, and your brain mirroring the emotions of people around you has no moral weight. Statistically, people with average empathy are the ones who are doing most of the bad things in the world- it's rare to have low empathy. I just don't think it's really right or fair to pass moral judgement on people for aspects of themselves they have no control over, either.

Being bad or good, kind or unkind, is a choice.

Anyways, I'm getting kind of off-topic. The thing is that low empathy does affect many aspects of my personal life and how I see the world to an extent, but at the same time, it doesn't feel like it affects me that much- its just kind of a fact of my life? It's how my brain works, but it doesn't make up or determine my whole personality, and I don't even think about it that often.

I'm tired as fuck rn and had a scare where I almost accidentally deleted this entire post (could you fucking imagine?) so I'm just gonna end all that where it is, but if anyone's got questions about any aspect of what I wrote feel free to reply here or PM me or anything! Like I said I love to talk about psychology, and I think accurate portrayals of this kind of thing can be really important.

That piece about empathy is so important. I feel like a lot of people mix up empathy and compassion, or assume it is impossible to be compassionate but not empathetic.

In short:
Empathy = intuiting, processing, and understanding the emotional states of other people.
Compassion = Feeling compelled to care for and be kind to others.

I may never be able to clue in to someone's body language and tell that they are upset, but if they verbally let me know they are upset, I want to help in any way I can or at least let them know I care.
That has nothing to do with how in-tune I am to how they are feeling. That has to do with my moral obligations as a kind person.

 

[kibou]

I may never be able to clue in to someone's body language and tell that they are upset, but if they verbally let me know they are upset, I want to help in any way I can or at least let them know I care.
That has nothing to do with how in-tune I am to how they are feeling. That has to do with my moral obligations as a kind person.

It's always interesting to me to hear from people who have affective empathy but low cognitive since it's basically the opposite of my experience, but it is really important that people understand that either way, people are never inherently bad and that morality comes from many places other than empathy.

 

[Pine]

3 Defining Features of ADHD That Everyone Overlooks

The textbook signs of ADD — inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity — fail to reflect several of its most powerful characteristics; the ones that shape your perceptions, emotions, and motivation. Here, Dr. William Dodson explains how to recognize and manage ADHD’s true defining features of...

www.additudemag.com

this should be the last thing i say abt adhd but i just found this article and it's actually the best & most concise breakdown of adhd ive seen yet. i didnt even mention rsd in my post because i didnt know i experienced that until i read this article and recognized i was feeling it In This Exact Moment LMFAO! it also made me think even more that the "types" of adhd are probably just differences in how the individual presents their adhd symptoms, whether its internalized or externalized dominantly. the three main articles that were linked are also extremely good