Characters need advices/opinion/improvements?

Ignie

Smol and on fire
So i have several characters set in my universe, and i would like to know what you guys think of them. What kind of improvement they could need, any advice, etc...


I have them since i'm a teenager (12-13 yo?) and they went to a lot of phases with me. Anyway now i developped them, and i'm happy with what they have become. However, they aren't perfect and advice would be more than welcome!


Ignir/Ezekiel Moore.

Real Name: Ezekiel Moore (born Elisabeth Moore.)



Surname: Ignir.



Age: 22 yo.


Sexuality: Bisexual.


Gender: Female.


Physical: She has a pale skin, mi-long ginger hair, and green eyes. Her main outfit is a white shirt, a brown pant and a dirty greenish poncho.


Class/Status: She comes from a poor family. Her father and hier used to work on docks.


Quirks: She likes to stand near deep falls, it makes her feel alive. She is always giving nicknames to everyone, and has a "kleptomaniac" habit.


Morality: She wants to make friends with everyone, as she is very sociable.


Vices/Virtues:

  • Peak Virtue:

Happiness - state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy

  • 2nd Tier:

Enthusiasm - exuberance; overflowing with eager enjoyment or approval


Impatience - tending to be annoyed at being kept waiting or by being delayed; unable to tolerate a particular thing and easily annoyed by it
Affability - good-natured, friendly, and easy to talk to
Impetuosity - to act on the spur of the moment, without considering the consequences

  • 3rd Tier:

Forgiveness - compassionate feelings that support a willingness to excuse a mistake or offense
Daring - courage combined with a willingness to take risks or attempt difficult or unconventional things
Secrety- unwillingness to reveal information.
Bragging - to talk with excessive pride about an achievement or possession


Skills: She is a very talented thief, that means she is very sneaky and agile. She has a double dagger and her father's pistol, to defend herself. However, she'd rather run away than fight.


Education: she only knows Lywelian language. Even if it’s similar, she has trouble understanding when Théodore and Lorelei talk Trostian/Alvarian language. Fortunatly, Maxwell can translate for her. she has a very strong accent. She never went to school as she worked very soon on the dock with her father.


Childhood : She was born in a poor family in Lywel, in a harbor. At first she was born as Elisabeth Moore. Soon, her mother left the house for unknown reason (probably adultery.). As she was raised by a single parent, he soon needed to have more money to take care of his only girl. He has the idea of raising her like a young boy, and make her work with him on the dock. He began to buy her boy’s clothes, make her act “like a man.” and changed her name for “Ezekiel.”. From this moment, She became Ezekiel Moore. She was used to it, as her father even called her Ezekiel at home. Even if she was raised as a “male”, she still kept “girly” interests (from her father’s point of vue.) She liked dance, and often skip work to go spying at the nearest dancing school. But as she grew up, the puberty hit her, and she needed hormones and bandages to hide her chest if she still wanted to be mistaken by a man. Alonside with her father, she worked hard to pay hormones on the black market, and bought bandages to hide her chest. That’s when she began to have “asthma.”. her father lied, saying it was because of the steam on the docks.
When she was 20, her father felt sick, and between her hormones, having only one job left, and paying for her father’s medication, Ezekiel had no other choice but to rob houses to have more gold, That’s when she took the surname “Ignir.”, so her father will not get involved. She then heard about Alvar, that island where the elite of Trost, a neighboor country lived. Ignir thought about coming into this island, find a doctor to cure her father (and stealing some things too) she then left a note to his father, still in Lywel, telling him she would come back soon.


Likes/Dislikes : Likes – She likes cheap rations she bought at the market. It's easy to make, and has a good taste. She loves to drinks beers, but gets easily drunk. She is what we can call a "goofy drunk."
Dislikes – Reffined food. She finds it too hard to cook for the taste. She gets angry when people teases her on her interest for dancing.

Maxwell Rockfiled

Name: Maxwell Rockfield.


Age: 27 yo.


Gender: Male.


Sexuality: Asexual.


Class: Unknown.


Quirks: He takes great care of his bionic eye, as he knows having one is very expensive.


Physical: Maxwell is a very muscular man. He has black hair, but only one dark eye. The other one is a bionic one. He wear very simple clothes: a white shirt and a dark-brown pant with black shoes. Sometimes, he can wear a long black trenchcoat.


Morality: As a hitman, "Never Get caught" is his very first rule, no matter the consequences. He will never hesitate to sacrifice other people to escape. He can however cares deeply for certain people.


Vices/Virtues:

  • Peak Vices:

Murderous - capable of, guilty of, or likely to commit murder

  • 2nd Tier:

Dauntlessness - resolute courageousness; not to be daunted or intimidated; fearless; intrepid; bold
Discretion - knowing how to avoid embarrassment or distress
Aggression - threatening behavior or actions
Cruelty - deliberately and remorselessly causing pain or anguish; bringing about pain and distress

  • 3rd Tier

Condescension - behavior that implies that somebody is graciously lowering himself or herself to the level of people less important or intelligent
Endurance - the power to withstand hardship or stress
Impartiality - an inclination to weigh both views or opinions equally
Chauvinism - unreasoning, overenthusiastic, or aggressive loyalty to a particular gender, group, or cause.


Education: During his teenage years, Maxwell learned diffrents languages, and he is now fluent in most of Aki and Mabon laguages. If needed, he would often offer his services as a translator, alongside with his other...job.


Backstory: Maxwell was born and grew up in Aki, a far, far away land. He was one of the numerous victim of a deadly war, where he lost his right eye. He has no memories of his parents, and lived in an orphanage until he was 12. That's when a man came in the orphanage and adopted him. Maxwell was bring in Mabon, in a special building, alongside with other children. During the next years, he learned all he needed to be a perfect hitman. His first rule was to never ben caught, no matter what it needs. Doctors in mechanical medicine also experimented on him a new eye prothesis. Since then, he was allowed to see again. Maxwell became very loyal to those people, called the LionHearts, he considered as their saviors. When he was 18, he traveled aroung the land of Mabon. He had a small house, his school gaves him. He often recieved letters, that indicates a victim he had to kill. he never discuted them, it seemed normal the people who saved him asked him favors.

Likes/Dislikes: Likes - Silence and peaceful places. If he is in a group (which happens rarely.) he will oftenly seprate himself from the group to be alone. Paradoxically, he likes crowds so he can hide in it and walk anonymously. (even if his eye doesn't help.)
Dislikes - Maxwell isn't a very sociable person, and when he looks like it, he is simply faking. he doesn't like long conversations.
 

Théodore Jean

Name: Théodore Jean.

Gender: Male

Sexual orientation: Homosexual

Age: 19 yo

Class: Proletariat. He works on the luxurious island of Alvar, but lives just under it, in Trost "Waste Collection."

Physical: Théodore is a tall man with blue eyes. He has long blond hair that stops in the middle of his back, and always tie them together in a ponytail. He wear a butler costume with his employer's blazonery sewed on it.

Quirks: He always had his notebook on him, just in case of he would have some ideas, so ha can takes notes. He can't write, so instead, he draws his ideas. He has a strange "backpack" that hides a mechanical arm. (his "third arm." that helps him when he works on his inventions, or at his work.

Morality: All he cares for is having a better life, for him and his friends. He will never hesitate to be hyprocritical to do so. He is very polite, and diplomatic.


Vices/vertues:

  • Peak Virtue:

Sternness - uncompromising resolution

  • 2nd Tier:

Thoroughness - conscientiousness in performing all aspects of a task; attention to detail
Perseverance - to be persistent; continuing or repeating behavior
Stingy - not generous in giving or spending money
Pomposity - an excessive sense of self-importance, usually displayed through exaggerated seriousness or stateliness in speech and manner

  • 3rd Tier:

Skillfulness - the learned capacity to carry out pre-determined results often with the minimum outlay of time, energy, or both
Philomathy - pocessing a strong love of learning
Manipulative - using clever, devious ways to control or influence somebody or something
Irritability - easily annoyed or exasperated; extremely sensitive, especially to aggravation


Skills: Théodore is very skilled, mostly because he wants to improve his condition. he learned good manners, can work well and hard. He knows mechanics and can fix a vehicle in several minutes. He has high knowledge in mecanics, and is very habile with his hands.

Childhood: Théodore knows nothing about his parents. he was found by the priest of a small church, that gave him his name, "Jean.". He lives in a small flat, alongside with other people of his poor neighborhood. He always wanted to improve his conditions, to become well-off and allows his firends and neighboors to live better. When he was 12, he begn to work, and travelled to the floating island of Alvar, where he found work at the Douglas house, one of the richest family in Alvar.
Next to his job, he works on devices he built himself. He created a small backpack, with a 3rd mechanical arm, allowing him to work speedier and better.

Lorelei Douglas:

Name : Lorelei Douglas

Gender : Girl.

Sexual Orientation : Straight.

Age : 18 yo

Class : She is the only girl of one of the richest family on the floating island Alvar.

Physical : Lorelei has blue eyes, and long blonde hair she ties up at the end of them. She can wear different haircut, if it's needed.

Quirks : She is always wearing her father's collar, as her last memory of him.

Morality : She is pretentious, and would often snob people if they aren't the same social class as her.

Virtues/Vices :

  • Peak virtue :

Narcissism - excessive self-admiration and self-centeredness; overestimation of one’s own appearance and abilities and an excessive need for admiration

  • 2nd TIER :

Beauty - the qualities that give pleasure to the senses
Self-confidence - belief of one’s own power, judgment, ability, etc.
Pride - a haughty attitude shown by somebody who believes, often unjustifiably, that he or she is better than others
Manipulative - using clever, devious ways to control or influence somebody or something

  • 3rd TIER :

Selfishness - concerned with your own interests, needs, and wishes while ignoring those of others
Vanity - excessive pride, especially in personal appearance
Nonviolence - rejecting the use of physical violence; passive acceptance of oppression amid the struggle against it
Thoroughness - conscientiousness in performing all aspects of a task; attention to detail


Skills : She is well-manered, and knows everything about high society's knowledge.

Education : She learned witht he best teacher her family could pay her. Even if her mother's dissaproved it, she learned some trick in mechanics alongside Théodore, her bodyguard.

Childhood : Lorelei was the only girl of the richest family in Alvar. She grew up in a manor in the center of the city. She recieved the best education her parents could pay her. She met Théodore at the age of 11, when he began to work for her father as a mechanic. Firstly, she wouldn't pay attention to him, as he was not the same social class as her. However, when she discovered his interests for inventions, and his talents, she often hanged out with him, hoping her family could have some benefits from Théodore's inventions. They somehow became "friends."

Aviary Columbae

Surname: Avriary Columbae

Real Name: Alejandro Ortis

Gender: Male

Sexual Orientation: Unknown

Age: 42 yo

Class: He is from proletariat and live the the "Waste Collection" under Alvar. People doesn't know where he exactly lives. He looks like he always live on a roof, with his pigeons.

Physical: Aviary is a tall, slender man. He has short black hair, that he always styles with good attention. He wears a top hat, a white shirt covered by a black jacket, and black pants. He has a tanned skin, and often wears black glasses.

Quirks: Aviary has a things with birds. He knows a lot of things about them, and could talk years about that.

Morality: Aviary is very neutral concerning his "clients". If they pay him, he will help them. His customer base is made of people from the Waste Collection that want to go illegaly on Alvar, Mafia, and Traffickers.

Vertue/Vices

  • Peak virtue:

Independence - freedom from control or influence of another or others

  • 2nd TIER

Meticulousness - taking extreme care with details
Autonomy - immunity from arbitrary exercise of authority; political independence
Narcissism - excessive self-admiration and self-centeredness; overestimation of one’s own appearance and abilities and an excessive need for admiration
Obsessive - a particular action or thing occupies one’s thoughts constantly and exclusively; worrying compulsively about something or things generally

  • 3rd TIER

Optimism - a general disposition to expect the best in all things
Respectfulness - courteous regard for people’s feelings; one who feels or manifests veneration
Pride - a haughty attitude shown by somebody who believes, often unjustifiably, that he or she is better than others
Zealousness - actively and unreservedly enthusiastic to the point of fervor

Skills: He is a businessman, or he like to say he is one. He is good in business, and in negotiations. Even if he is very neutral, he is resentful toward the LionHearts, the small groupe that is Alvar's government. and he would do anything if this caused them harm.

Childhood: Aviary Columbae's real name is Alejandro Ortis. He grew up in the southern country of Almodia. his family were ornithologists, and he was really fond of birds. Unfortunatly, when the war began, Almodia was attacked, and Alejandro's family was murdered. To escape the war, he ran away to Trost, and lived in the Waste Collection, the only place that accepted refugees. He soon learned his parents's murderers was an Organisation named "The LionHearts" and that they were Alvar's governments, the floating island above the Waste Collection. He took a decision. He would do anything in his power to overthrow the LionHearts. He used his knowledge and love for birds, so he created Trost's more powerful messaging system. It was well known for the efficience of his delivery, and its safety. He would put messages in a special box that will open with a password. If someone tries to open it by force, or type a failed password 3 times, the message is destroyed. The box was created by a boy Aviary found potential in him, Théodore Jean.

Like/Dislike: Like - Birds, his fashion style, especially his reflective glasses.
Dislike - The LionHearts, people that dislike or harm birds.

Edited 6 minutes ago by Ignie

Here they are. I perfectly know some of them aren't really developped (or even bad written) so that's why i ask for opinions! I also have the beginning of an universe for them (still underdevelopped of course.)

So the world in composed with 5 coutries, Aki, Lywel, Mabon, Agropolis, Almodia, all specialised in different kind of work (ex: Lywel for trades, Mabon for military force.)


A while ago, there was a war between Agropolis and Mabon, two powerful military forces. However, after realising they couldn't won, the two of them being equally powerfull. They signed an armistice.


However, after the war, Mabon's main town, Trost, was completly destroyed, and that's when a group of nobles created a new government called the LionHearts.


The LionHearts promised to create a island that would be used as a substitute for Trost's citizen, so they can live on it while the town was rebuilt. However, reality was different. Indeed, only the elite went on Alvar (the island), and the poorest population stayed in the destroyed part of the town, now called "The Waste Collection."





And i think that's all. I don't know if the "universe" part was to put in this part of the forum. If not, please tell me and i'll correct this.

Thank you in advance for the advice!
 
Last edited by a moderator:

it's advice.


advance.


there is no s. I'm only giving one advice at a time. the grammar was intentional.

Morality: She wants to make friends with everyone, as she is very sociable.

that's not a moral.


spelled "virtues"


starting questions


-definition on the term "tier"


-why isn't the world building stuff put first, if all these characters are in the same place?


-... so there are 5 different factions. how they relate to each other could be useful information, writing wise.


characters


Ezekiel Moore


-how does she keep her skirt white


-did she change to robbery as her main job


-what's her importance in the plot?


-... so is she transgender or just very uncaring about her appearance? her character is... super queercoded.


-her dad. what about him. is he pushy and demanding, or what? if he likes the idea of a male son, why did he bother to raise her like a guy, instead of remarrying?

Maxwell Rockfiled

-who teaches a kid to be a mercenary?


-serial killer implies the kid is doing this out of his own free will, not for money.


-so... i'm going to assume he's just a killer for the money, if his eye is expensive.


-does anyone recognize him, with something as obvious as that eye?


-is there a killer bounty on his head?


*crowds


I'm sorry, I'm a little tired, and only have time for those two.


Your characters lack continuity. I can imagine every one of their individual aspects, but when I try to put them together, my brain draws a blank. I can't imagine... any of these people in reality. Other than the bird girl, and the avian guy, it doesn't seem like these people are main characters. I suggest you spend more time on development, like you said.


I do like the originality of all the characters. A middle aged man who just loves birds? A mafia man, slick and who prides himself on being good at brown nosing? a bored rich girl is a little cliche, but her friendship is unexpected. And I've always been a sucker for mechanics.


Nice work. With a little development, and auto-correct, I can see this going a long way.
 
starting questions


-definition on the term "tier"


-why isn't the world building stuff put first, if all these characters are in the same place?


-... so there are 5 different factions. how they relate to each other could be useful information, writing wise.

-«Tier» here means... How to say that. 2nd Tier is the more visible character traits, and 3rd tier is the less visible? Idk how to put that in english...


-This is just me there. I put it at the end because i thought about it at the end.


-I don't know. I need to develop this part as i said. I just know Lywel has trading, relationship with Alvar.


First of all, thanks for giving time to read this and write something. I'll try to answer you as best as i can.


Ezekiel:

-how does she keep her skirt white

I haven't thought about it. Let's say it's always dirty. She could have some changing clothing with her, but rarely changes them, and doesn't have time to clean them. Idk

did she change to robbery as her main job

At first, she robbed house at night, while she kept working so she could gather more gold. However when she went to Alvar, she changed it.

what's her importance in the plot?

Her appearance in the plot would be that she witnessed a murder in a house she was robbing and there would be a bounty on her head because of that. In order to escape this, she'll joint the revolution. That's what i thought but it still need developement, as i said, i almost don't have any plot so it's difficult to put her on it.

... so is she transgender or just very uncaring about her appearance? her character is... super queercoded.

She isn't transgender, as she identify as a girl. She just act like a guy, and doesn't care if she looks masculine or not. She is more like «Lady Oscar.» She knows she is a girl but was raised as a man.

her dad. what about him. is he pushy and demanding, or what? if he likes the idea of a male son, why did he bother to raise her like a guy, instead of remarrying?

The only thing her father ask her is to not reveal her birthright sex so she can keep her job. They all live in a very poor part of the town, and if her father did remarry someone, it would someone as poor as them. And even if they had another kid, it would be one more mouth to feed, and it could be another girl. And they lacked money, he didn't have time to find another wife and wait for another kid. Idk it seemed clear in my head. It's easier to raise a young kid you already have as a boy than findind someone to marry with, probably as poor as you, and wait for a kid that will probably not be a boy.


Maxwell:

who teaches a kid to be a mercenary?

Obviously the LionHearts. a kid is easier to manipulate. And they can easily obey orders afterward. Plus a kid learns quickier than an adult. That's why ithoughttheewoulddbee trained at a young age.

serial killer implies the kid is doing this out of his own free will, not for money.

This is my fault, i wrote «serial killer» instead of hitman. I meant to change it.

so... i'm going to assume he's just a killer for the money, if his eye is expensive.

He needs money for his eye. But also because he is grateful for the LionHearts. They raised him and he lives a middle class kind of live against a life of poverty if he stayed at the orphanage. He works for the LionHearts and is glad to do the job they ask him to do.

does anyone recognize him, with something as obvious as that eye?


-is there a killer bounty on his head?

Probably. Mechanicals prothesis wil probably be common here. An eye, an arm, etc... but he is known, as an eye prothesis is rare. He does have a bounty in some town, but not in Alvar, as the government are the LionHearts.


I didn't wanted them to look like main characters, only background characters that get pushed as main characters...


And they are still not developped, and i don't have a decent plot, so i can't really put them on it. I'm just at the beginning of this. Those are just draft copies (i think they always were anyway, even when i was younger. I just thought about really developping them recently.)


I'll work on it when i'll have the determination and the time, that i don't really have because of school and stuff. Anyway thank you for taking your time write something.
 

Users who are viewing this thread

Back
Top