Character Critique Thread

[Natealie]

Natealie

I feel like however powerful the constructs are, this does not make sense as an S class power if the maximal volume of the construct is a quart and a half. What if she could control any blood that her blood touched though? (So not blood inside another person, but once it was out of them, she could co-opt it for constructs.) This would raise the power level dramatically, and frighteningly. The worse a massacre became, the more powerful she would be, but at horrific cost.

I'm currently in the process of revising the powerset with Welian. And so the actual sheet doesn't really reflect what the final version will be as of yet. The blood content in her body and blood touching other blood were brought up in the discussion and making her powerful enough and balanced enough to be an S rank is the main thing we're trying to do now. Sorry if I wasted your time by having you critique a sheet that's still under revision.

 

[Gus]

no worries, just browsing the thread and popped into my brain that a literally pint sized construct is still just an animated garden gnome, however fiesty it might be.

 

[Natealie]

no worries, just browsing the thread and popped into my brain that a literally pint sized construct is still just an animated garden gnome, however fiesty it might be.

Fair enough. We did figure out a way around that though so that she's still usable.

 

[Necessity4Fun]

Daniels, S.

View attachment 422427

• Stats
• General
• Appearance
• Biography
• Relationships
• Superpower
• Skills and Flaws
• Tools & Weapons
• Gallery

• Heroism Statistics
  Aspect	Scale	Total
  Courage	▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▱	08
  Altruism	▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▱▱	07
  Order	▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▱	08
  Kindness	▰▰▰▰▰▱▱▱▱	05
  Proaction	▰▰▰▰▰▰▱▱▱	06
  Diplomacy	▰▰▰▰▰▱▱▱▱	05
  Composure	▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰	09

  Ability Statistics
  Aspect	Scale	Total
  Health	▰▰▰▰▱▱▱▱▱	04
  Strength	▰▰▰▰▰▰▱▱▱	06
  Defense	▰▰▰▰▰▰▱▱▱	06
  Agility	▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▰	09
  Intelligence	▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▱▱	07
  Willpower	▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▱▱	07
  Energy	▰▰▰▰▰▰▰▱▱	07

• Full Name
  Steven Daniels.
  
  Nicknames
  Steve, Agent 367.
  
  Codename
  'Blackout'.
  
  Gender
  Male.
  
  Age
  24.
  
  Rank
  'B' Rank.
  
  Limiter
  Inactive, Level 2. It's mainly so Steve doesn't accidentally become permanently invisible, as opposed to being a danger to everyone around him. But, he's trained enough to the point where that doesn't happen.
  
  Role
  Student.
• Race
  White British.
  
  Hair
  Brown.
  
  Eyes
  Deep blue.
  
  Height
  182 centimetres (a little under 6 foot, I believe).
  
  Figure
  Steve is definitely considered well built. His militaristic training and arduous exercises have given him thick muscles and barely any fat to go along with it. There are no natural blemishes on his body, and he has the fortune of not having any battle scars (yet).
  
  Notes
  None, really.
• Brave - Positive Personality Trait
  The main positive thing about Steve that every picks up on is his selflessness and his bravery. Which is fortunate considering the style of fighting that a person like him would bring against villains and crooks. He is the sort of person that would say 'Yes, sir!' to a suicidal mission, and he'll jump on the grenade if it were to save the lives of his friends. A hero until the end, although arguably with courage like his chances are the end will come quicker than for most.
  
  Secretive - Neutral Personality Trait
  Secretive. Possibly because of his powers of hiding, or maybe because of something else, Steve prefers to keep his life to himself. Don't get him wrong - he's a nice guy, but he tends to keep his past where it belongs - in the past - and to keep his life under sealed lips. Similarly, he doesn't tend to pry into his friends' personal lives (unless it is his mission to do so).
  
  Social - Neutral Personality Trait
  Steve is quite social, surprisingly. Most due to his nationality (us Brits are, for the most part, usually quite friendly), Steve has always found it easy to make friends. Unless he is in a mission, where he will keep stony faced and serious, he will usually try to chat to people. Not only does it raise morale and make friends (and allies), but it helps to keep boredom at bay.
  
  Ruthless - Negative Personality Trait
  Unfortunately, Steve is quite ruthless and finds it a bit too easy to kill. He has never killed before, and he would only use it as a last resort, but his personality makes it a little simple for him to do. He doesn't mind the sight of blood, nor feels anything for the death of someone he doesn't know, and ultimately is willing to kill without question. An order is an order, as he says. Fortunately, he seems pretty intent on not killing anyone.
  
  History
  There is nothing really too interesting about Steve's history, except how he came about his powers. Being the subject of bullying when he was young, Steve has always had a talent for hiding. That became especially clear when he suddenly 'went missing' - his parents assumed he ran away or was kidnapped. Police searched for hours, before finally he revealed himself. The odd thing was, he revealed himself to have accidentally slept in, and his young mind wasn't too sure what was going on. Fortunately, the policeman in charge of the search party had the clairvoyance to send him to a testing facility - where it was discovered he had the powers of advanced stealth. Stealth is a very widely yearned ability, and it wasn't long before MI6 (secret intelligence) took an interest in him.
  
  From that day, Steve had been trained in the art of stealth and secret combat. Starting off at the Cadets, then moving up to formal training, Steve had spent the best part of 15 years in military training camps. However, since MI6 wasn't as well equipped to handle superpowers, they sent him abroad to train with AEGIS with the goal of creating a formidable super spy. He has the mundane training, and now all he needs is his superpower training.
• #ForeverAlone
  I'll update this as I see fit. So far, he has no real relationships with anyone.
• Primary Power
  In short, Steve has the ability of 'Stealth' - which is, but not limited to, invisibility. Steve's invisibility appears quite advanced, however, and can render all the senses (except touch) useless against him. Even trained bloodhounds have no chance at discovering his location. His invisibility also prevents most advanced traps and sensors, such as laser alarms, pressure sensors (this includes things that make sound or move when he steps on it - it effectively makes him appear to have no weight), infrared cameras, X-Ray machines and other various devices. His invisibility extends to gear he is carrying. He can choose what to make invisible (although, if he doesn't, it will just appear to be a floating object).
  
  
  • In My Sights: Steve can see like a machine - as in, he has various other types of vision that he can activate other than normal colour vision. He can see in infrared, X-Ray, night vision and even EM (electromagnetic) vision - a type of vision that allow him to effectively see electricity (or, rather, the electromagnetism caused by electricity. It allows him to see if an electrical wire is live, if a puddle is electrified but also helps him track electric power users with ease).
  • You Can't Hide: Steve can passively see the invisible and cannot be tricked by illusions of any kind - whether that be mind based or eye based. He can also see invisible writing, hear code as normal words and can see through other methods of hiding. His military training also helps with that, though.
  
  Limitations
  
  • Don't Touch!: While he can trick most senses, he cannot trick them all. He cannot make himself invisible to touch - as in, intangible - which actually can be an issue in crowds or against old fashioned alarms (i.e a bell on some tripwire). He bumps into someone, they'll know something is up.
  • Repeat That?: When he is invisible, he cannot select what gear can still make sound. Meaning that if someone tries communicating with him through an ear piece or a phone, he won't hear a thing - he'll not even know it even tried. Similarly, he cannot speak during this time. This makes it surprisingly awkward for someone based around stealth missions - he'll probably need to have communication with his team, after all.
  • Where Did I Put My Keys?: Unfortunately, his power of making things invisible lingers after he stops touching them. For about ten minutes. Have fun finding those keys.
• Steve is well trained in everything stealth, although his training was limited due to time.
  
  Stealth Operative - Skill: Sneaking is his game, stealth is his life. Even without his invisibility, he can blend into a crowd or hide in a storage room with ease. He could be right behind you, and you'll never know...
  
  Stealth Takedowns - Skill: His preferred method of combat is silent and quick. As such, he is far better with knives and fistfighting than with a gun. While he is skilled with his silenced gun (spoilers: silenced guns are only called silenced because they are quiet relative to a normal gun - they are still audible), he is more skilled with a knife - throwing knives included - and knows several martial arts and CQC techniques to take someone down without them screaming a thing.
  
  Overrun - Flaw: Steve is not designed for riots or front line assaults. He works in the shadows, and being forced into the light is not good for him. He can quickly become overrun by multiple foes if discovered, forcing his retreat or surrender, and one on one fights with big guys with miniguns don't end well for him.
  
  Limited Knowledge - Flaw: While he was given stealth training, he wasn't given much else. He is hopeless when it comes to normal things, such as cooking or dancing, and only has basic knowledge of other military skills such as gun usage or first aid.
  
• Steve comes fully equipped thanks to his contacts and history with MI6.
  
  Gigawatt: [Weapon] The concept behind Gigawatt is fairly simple - a knife with a battery on it - but the actual science is pretty advanced (not to mention classified). When active, Gigawatt can deliver a non lethal charge of electricity into the target, allowing the opponent to be knocked out without needing to be killed. On bigger foes, however, the knife doesn't knock them out - it does, however, seem to paralyse the limb struck for a few moments. Which is all Steve needs.
  
  Garroting Wire: [Weapon/Tool] A little more savage than a knife, a garroting wire is a length of high durability, low rigidity wire that is used to 'garrote' someone (strangle them). Excessive force when using a garroting wire can even cut into the neck, killing them quietly. It is high durability string, however, so still can be used for the same purposes as string.
  
  Throwing Knives: [Weapon] Steve's preferred method of long range takedowns, as a knife is silent and can be picked back up again. He carries a set of five with him at all times.
  
  The Classic: [Weapon] A rarely used, standard issue MI6 silenced gun.
  
  SIS-USB: [Tool] Advanced technology courtesy of MI6. Standing for 'Secret Intelligence Service Universal Serial Bus', the SIS-USB (which Steve usually refers to as the Magic Stick) can automatically drain all the information from a device it is plugged in and delete the original. It is also possible to hack with it, although Steve has no experience with hacking - besides, it can only be done remotely with a computer that the Magic Stick is connected with anyways. It looks like a normal memory stick, except has two flashing lights instead of the usual one.
  
  Comms Device: [Tool] Complete with secure lines and a see-through shell, Steve owns a communication device that slips into the ear. While useless when he is invisible, it does help talk without the need for both hands. Steve's comms device also has the added effect of being automatically translated into code on his end, as his powers allow him - and only him - to translate it with ease.
• Spoiler: Other Images

  View attachment 422459View attachment 422460View attachment 422461
  
  
  Spoiler: ”Theme Song”

No idea of what came over me, but I suddenly had this urge to do something that I don't normally do, character critique. That being said, please bear with me >w<

Other than the request to change the picture in the OOC, which I completely agree with for the very same reasons, here are my concerns about your profile:

I see that you're going for something in the lines of Perception Manipulation for the power, I like it, it's a very nice idea, but then it got a bit iffy when you said his ability made him weightless as well (I'm not even going to mention the lasers, how would you trick the perception of those?)... That'd make it a weird blend of Perception Manipulation and Intangibility which IMO would trespass on the one power per character rule...
I just can't explain how one thing would affect the other you know? It's unrealistic... Unless you're trying to go for intangibility instead, though that's not what your CS is telling me, especially with the first limitation...

Then there's the 'In my Sights' support power which honestly, again, sounds like a second power all together, some type of vision manipulation. It doesn't seem to go well with Perception Manipulation at all. My advice is that you take it out of the support powers and just give him a fancy schmancy binoculars that does essentially the same thing. A lot easier to explain it like that, if you ask me!

And I think that's it power-wise. I do feel like the limitations aren't enough, but this and other people's critiques might give you new ones to write down...

Now, I'm not sure how the backstory you presented would tie into the setting as I'm not the GM nor have a wide knowledge of it apart from the more Commonwealth and 108-centered areas, so I'm not dabbling with that.
I do, however, think that the concept doesn't work for a student, at least not a normal student. First, if they're a student your limiter shouldn't be inactive as you may only have it like so after graduation (and some other rules).

Now if it was me, I'd either disregard the student part completely and go straight for vigilantism, police force anything like that OR make it clear that they're taking the Blue Card-directed classes, meaning that they have graduated from AEGIS already (thus the limiter can be inactive) and are merely training further to ultimately get a Blue Card, which allows you to use your powers as a profession (law enforcement, vigilantism, etc...)

That being said, I do like the concept you're going for and don't think there's anything blatantly wrong with it. A couple tweaks here and there and might just work!
I also adore the way that your stats are a gradient, making them fade as the number goes down. Delightfully amusing and a stroke of genius >w<

Again, I don't normally do these and think I'm bad at them so, maybe wait for more people to either agree or disagree with these points before doing anything ^^'

 

[Gus]

The Fabulous Emerald Welcome!

I see you met Nessy, the closest thing AEGIS has to a conscience, and as such she under-rates herself constantly. Don't let her fool you; she is super wise and stuff. And I should know because I am old as dirt. Necessity4Fun spot on and beat me to it point for point.

Here is my suggestion, story wise: Rewind to when he first got his powers. Make this the beginning of his training. Rather than a hardened assassin, make him that innocent kid with powers who is being courted by sinister forces, grooming him to become that assassin one day, but let that decision play out in game instead of assuming it. This also allows you the space to expand the character organically rather than have him narrowly focused on being the best in the world at what he does with nothing else that sets him apart as a personality beyond a power set.

I agree with Nessy on everything else, especially that the power is cool, just needs to be pared down and focused a bit. Drop the auto decoding thing and the weightless thing and decide whether his power is physical or mental.

if it is mental, he'd still show up on cameras and would have trouble disappearing to multiple people probably, but would be more absolutely undetectable to those people, and would have some basis for the super tracking powers as well.

If it is physical, then he could evade cameras and lasers and such, but maybe would need training to avoid being heard or tracked by smell, and it would be hard to explain the super tracking as being connected (though probably not impossible?)


I really like the invulnerability to illusions thing, and I think that could work within either framework. Mental power lets you see what is there, past what your senses tell you, and physical allows you to detect holographic fuckery that normal senses would miss. I like this especially because my one villain is all about illusions and misdirection, and he will have tons of fun trying to trick you anyway in spite of the handicap.

 

[Gus]

Oh, also, stat limit for B rank is 21 points total and he is way past that, or was when I last looked.

Maybe do something like 3, 2, 3, 4, 3, 2, 4? High agility because his senses are better attuned to not make a misstep and high energy for messing with perceptions and or light and sound energy.


3 is the maximum for normal humans and should not be exceeded unless impacted by the power set.

 

[welian]

The Fabulous Emerald Chiming in as well, go ahead and re-read the RP Manual and pull back Steven accordingly. You'll need to think about what you want to do with him in the story based on the plot, narrow down the superpowers you're interested in until he has one distinct ability/gimmick, and then adjust his stats accordingly. I made a stat calculator using Google Spreadsheets that anyone can use, just plug and chug.

 

[The Fabulous Emerald]

actually, welian , i might have to drop out - at least, temporarily. i little too busy ATM with other RPs and RL to start another one like this. it is great though, and i do want to join in, its just i won't be able to in the next week.

 

[welian]

No problem! We'll be here when you get back.

 

[Weissplus]

HERE IS MY BABBY!

 

[Lemon Boy]

Weissplus So it's like, 11pm where I am and I am tired but I've given the sheet a skim and it actually looks fairly alright for a first draft which I can congratulate you on and appreciate very much because some of the first drafts this RP has gotten have been....a bit of an issue in the past. Power seems decent without being overly complicated or anything like that, Personality section is clear and concise, and they don't have the magical ability of being a Krav Maga master because they learned from their sensei since they were five which is deeply appreciated. A good character, if i do say so myself.

I'll give it a proper, more in-depth looksee tomorrow when It isn't near midnight. Good work so far though.