Character Critique Thread

@Teh Frixz


I'm kinda worried about the amount of outside interaction Penelope would be able to have with other characters, or activities that happen outside of the school in the greater Baltimore area. I know it says she's got a suit, but if it were to come down to an event with more fighting, I'd think her being there would be more of a hazard than a help. Very much so if that suit got damaged. Radiation exposure EVERYWHERE! Or at least in smaller doses 'cause the limiter helps to an extent.


One could argue that she can interact with other characters via the internet/using her suit in downtime, as well as teachers coming down to visit and stuff, but that as well limits the amount that she can interact with others.


This ain't me saying you should change this, just so you know. I actually like Penny quite a bit~ I just want you to be aware of this, and I want her to have as much of a chance of interacting with the other characters as possible. Seeing a character isolated off to one side while things are happening elsewhere makes my soul cry.


I blame me being a mom for this. ;;; u ;;;


I did hear from Gus something about Aaron coming to visit though (when he finds out about the sub-basement)! That makes me feel a bit better~
 
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@welian


totally blaming the wrong thread on a ripper street binge. My bad.


@suzuki 


omg be more adorable. I know how much she'll be limited but that was slightly the point! I love giving characters problems to work around and leaking lethal radiation is quite a problem! That said, I can assure you she's very much a 'non combatant' and would seek to disengage from a fight in person. Penny isn't even that nice though! Don't worry none about her! 


Maybe since we updated the site, we could actually do an 'email' thread and I could get in some interaction that way? 


@gus


sorry about that post! I like your response to it, I've got no qualms then, totally trust you. Your content is aces.
 
Ahhhhhhhh! When are hype cookies coming back?!


SO EXCITED
 
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[SIZE=14pt]Dear Gus, [/SIZE]


[SIZE=14pt]First off, love your face. I am reading over Manami's profile. [/SIZE]


[SIZE=14pt]Here are my concerns with it, I feel like the experimented on stuff is being used as a crutch to give the creature a good deal of 'power' without the expense of using character creation points. I feel she is greatly over powered for her rank. [/SIZE]


[SIZE=14pt]The history, over all, I just am not feeling it. Japan in general is being over done so it's not your fault on that part. I just get a real extra attention kinda vibe from it. It seems way too outlandish for me. This is one facility of hundreds across the US. It just seems odd that she would end up here with such an over the top past. [/SIZE]


[SIZE=14pt]The whole, she has all these extreme powers because of a chip, down to the fact they render her unconscious a few minutes after use, feels really cliché. [/SIZE]


[SIZE=14pt]Just remember, love your face. >.<[/SIZE]
 
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[SIZE=14pt]Dearest Fruity bag of wonderfulness, [/SIZE]


[SIZE=14pt]Back when I wanted to make my first character, I wanted to do a firebug with empathic tendencies. It was pointed out to me that this was a dangerous road to go down because being able to read into other's state of being or thoughts can easily slip into the realms of controlling other people's characters. Given that, I went another path.[/SIZE]


[SIZE=14pt] [/SIZE]I see this as a great character idea but have some reservations about the fact that she reads into people's words. That ultimately will be something for you and the GMs to discuss.


[SIZE=14pt]Should you chose to forge on with this power, I would suggest tweaking of the weaknesses. I personally suffer from Dyslexia. I would not consider that a super power level weakness. [/SIZE]


[SIZE=14pt]Gaining a slight headache from trying to listen to more than three people at a time, pretty normal and not surprising that she would be unable to use her super skill in that situation. [/SIZE]


[SIZE=14pt]I just feel she needs greater or more fine tuned Limitations. [/SIZE]
 
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Alright everyone, I fell behind on keeping up with new character apps, so this post is going to be a bit curt and critical. It’s not that I don’t love you guys, it’s that I’m skimming through nine characters in a row and making sure that everyone has time to edit things by the 22nd.


Lars @Gus


Breaking the fourth wall is not a personality trait. There’s probably a better name for what you’ve described in that paragraph, some sort of philosophy that Lars abides by. Find it and use it.


You’re going to really have to tighten up his powers, make them more limited and specific in scope. I’ve let you get away with breaking my physics and being a literal walking black hole already, but I’ll need to draw the line at “reality bending” as that’s generally one of the powers that I instantly reject. Similar to how Kyle’s dream conjurations expire when he wakes up, I suggest you take some cues from indigo and work out some hard limitations for Lars’ abilities.


I’d also suggest removing “technology” as a limitation or at least be more specific about how it directly pertains to and affects his powers; and would prefer if you removed the part about the spirit world. This is not a paranormal RP, and I’d like to make sure no one gets any ideas about ghosts or magic.  


Less breaking the 4th wall, more leaning. I need that shit to support my roof, yo.


Manami @Gus


Her backstory indicates she was created – but was she a normal human girl, or was she carrying the super gene? It’d be best to make that clear. Artificial supers are not, at this point in the story, possible to create.


As far as her powers go, do remember that stats are not acknowledged in-story, they are a strictly meta thing. Based on the stat increases you’ve described, I believe Manami is actually a B rank and should be submitted as such. I also think that her powers could be more accurately described under the umbrella term of [insert sea creature here] physiology.


Under her “monstrous appearance” limitation, you mention that she’s being hunted by Aegis and Commonwealth. Do keep in mind that Commonwealth is a government agency devoted to regulating supers and that Aegis is only a private company that runs training programs for supers. As GM, I’d say that Commonwealth would have a vested interest in protecting Manami (and coyly courting her for her consent to additional tests), while Aegis is interested in filling seats to keep getting grants from the federal government.


Nike @Suzuki Mine


Strong Soul honestly reads like psychic powers to me, so I’m interested in seeing how she’ll interact with some of the other psychic students in the facility, such as Ren and Michael. I’d even argue that her seals are rituals she goes through to enforce self-made mental blocks that limit her powers.


I know you’ve been fretting over her powers for a long time in the Skype group, and while they’re still a little “out there” for what I’ve tried to keep a semi-crunchy story, I do appreciate that you’ve laid out strong, clear, and consistent internal rules for her powers (always very important) and even acknowledged within the sheet that the “soul” aspect is up for interpretation.


My only suggestion tonight would be to throw some numbers into the history so that we get a rough idea of how old she was when she began vigilante work.


Ophelia @KingHink


Dude, you went straight for Hard Mode with no opposable thumbs. Why do you hate your characters? What have these adorable fictional girls done to you?


Finish this sheet. Put something in there. Tell us if she was one of those rare cases of powers activated from the womb, or if she underwent the slow, agonizing mutation of her arms turning into tentacles as she grew up.


Just keep working on this, okay? Let me know when you’ve got this draft done. I don’t think you’ll need a second supporting power for something as simple as regenerating tentacle arms, and the limitations are really clear-cut and obvious.


After reading through reality bending, stat changes, and soul power, I really appreciate seeing such a straightforward character and simple power in an app.


Tomoko @too much idea


The backstory still has a few kinks in it, but the basics are fine – young genius exchange student, enrolled at Aegis. Commonwealth doesn’t have an international presence, so I think her backstory might make more sense if a few details were changed.


Perhaps something like Tomoko being offered an opportunity to study abroad as a graduate student, and then Commonwealth tested her as part of the visa process. In fact, there’s a very well-known school in Baltimore called Johns Hopkins University – lots of doctors and engineers there!


Overall, I don’t have anything against Tomoko’s powers. She’s very similar to Jordan who is also a young super-genius, but they have very different childhoods. If Tomoko is accepted, then I hope to see those characters work together on some grand machine.


Penny @Teh Frixz


I really like Penny! For the ease of interacting with the other characters though, I think you should consider making her a fair bit less radioactive. She’ll still be deadly and generate lots of power, but the containment suit will be more plausible.


I also think you should go into more detail about her limitations, especially the first one. Just pop off a list of what insulates radiation, you know? Then we can technobabble our way through a containment suit. And, out of curiousity:

  • Does she glow?
  • What’s her half life?



Anneliese @Bag o Fruit


Do you have any idea how refreshing it is to see an older woman in this RP? Like, fucking finally. I did the math. The average age of the male characters in 27.7. For the ladies, it’s 17.9. We need more male students and more female teachers, tbh.


Now, onto actual comments.


You’ll have to pick on role for her and stick to it. Since the eight classes listed are the only eight classes at 108 (therefore “negotiations teacher” is not possible), I suggest a guidance counselor. It would complement the disciplinary counselor’s role quite nicely.


You’ll need to adjust her personality traits. Remember, it’s one positive one, two neutral ones, and one negative one. Honesty Is not a negative trait.


I would not call her second supporting power “intuition”. What you’ve described is very obviously body language and so you make it clearer that her power constitutes both listening to verbal and non-verbal language.


Nor would I call “flexibility” a limitation of her powers. She’s a highly empathic woman, but that does not necessarily relate to her powers. Remember – the limitations refers to limitations of the superpowers, not of the person in general.


Final note: She can listen, but can she repeat? Listening, reading, writing, and speaking are four separate language skills. Just because she is fantastic at parsing and understanding verbal and body language, does not mean that she is able to write or speak the language fluently. Finding and defining these boundaries will determine whether or not she is truly an omniglot.


Page @Manic Muse


She was accepted once before. I don’t see why she wouldn’t be accepted again. The dragon’s breath ability is pretty nifty, and it’s great that you gave it a hard limitation of a defined distance and adjusted her rank accordingly. As for the listed limitations though, I think you should revise the third one a bit and explain, explicitly, how her stunted emotional development impact her ability to use her superpowers.


Jessica @Captain Hesperus


>.> You could just… tweak her app and make her a B-rank? I really like her powers though. Her third limitation would better fit in the history section.  Hold on to Vape, okay? Work out some stat combinations. Tag me when you’ve got some more stuff written.


Wolf @CloudyBlueDay


Does her birth certificate really say Wolf? Amazing. Anyways, this is pretty awesome imo. No one had stretchy powers in the previous RP, and you’re the first to do it in Aegis – this pleases me!


Her limitations are quite reasonable. Like I’ve said in response to the other apps though, I’d like to see some more defined, hard limits thrown in. How much stretch is too much stretch? Could she every possibly permanently lose her shape? Sprinkle some more details in there!




//flops


I'm going to sleep now.
 
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[SIZE=14pt]Alright, there are a lot of these to get through, so just know you're awesome, I am just looking at the character. [/SIZE]


[SIZE=14pt]Plot holes. He has no idea he has not been doing magic but has to do the illusion to each mind individually and can max out at 15? I see more than that drawn in a street corner performances on the strip at Vegas, [/SIZE]so unless he has been doing very small show performances...this is not adding up.


[SIZE=14pt]Technology again makes me nervous, sir. Using it as a crutch to boost the character's powers without having a measurable or required limit makes my stomach turn. [/SIZE]


[SIZE=14pt]The main super power explanation in general makes me uneasy. That is a lot of "its unmeasured and unexplainable" being thrown around in here. In general that are things that make people nervous. [/SIZE]


[SIZE=14pt]Rest of it seems good to me. I see a lot of potential for him being an amazing grifter or thief. [/SIZE]
 
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Captain Hesperus said:
Captain Hesperus 
Click to expand...

[SIZE=14pt]Howdy Cap,[/SIZE]


[SIZE=14pt][/SIZE]


[SIZE=14pt]Clearly still something you are working on; I just wanted to offer some general thoughts.[/SIZE]


[SIZE=14pt][/SIZE]


[SIZE=14pt][/SIZE]


[SIZE=14pt]Over all the abilities seem sound and well thought out with reasonable limits. I am not sure that the third weakness carer works as a super power limitation. I did have a thought/ question. If she were to say, become gasoline vapors for some odd reason. What would happen to her if she got close to a match? Would she die?[/SIZE]


[SIZE=14pt][/SIZE]


[SIZE=14pt]Maybe something along those lines can become her third limit. Once she is in game, I feel we should do some plotting. Page, is also a red head and a walking anxiety complex with a sweet tooth from hell. I feel there is some fun to be had with a fitter, taller, younger red head walking around campus for Page to compare herself to. Just some ideas. ^_^ [/SIZE]
 
@welian


You know I'm trying to limit her interactions hardcore af. It's mostly a writing exercise for me, like a mute character or a blind one. I want that deadly radiation element to force myself to come up with ways around it and to explore other mediums of IC communication. Just for the practice ya know? Plus that's boring making a containment suit plausible. It shouldn't be some slinky catsuit thing (Cough: Quarians) but like a big steel egg with lots of cramping! If anything, that'd be a last resort. I'd prefer her in her room with like idk, a drone attached to an Ipad floating around while she skypes. 

  1. Only when she's really excited 
  2. 3
 

[SIZE=14pt]Dear Teh Frixz,[/SIZE]


[SIZE=14pt][/SIZE]


[SIZE=14pt]Cool idea for the character. Some sort of hazmat suit that she could use for even an hour or two to be outside her room would be nice. It is a bold character for sure. [/SIZE]


[SIZE=14pt][/SIZE]


[SIZE=14pt]I had a thought to assist other students in knowing about her presence, to allow for more interaction beyond just the telepathic kids, she should be an announcer or be in charge of emailing students. [/SIZE]


[SIZE=14pt][/SIZE]


[SIZE=14pt]The staff of 108 work to give her any task they can, no matter how mundane to try and keep her interacting with the world and feeling productive. Morning announcements brought to you by Penelope. Someone needs to go to the office, Penelope announces it with her own little commentary. Emails need to be sent home to your parents? The teachers are too lazy and pawn it off on Penelope. I don't know just a thought. [/SIZE]
 
Oh good lord... 


If Penny got ahold of a parent mailing list... 


I think people are forgetting she's not that nice of a person and occupies herself making people rage online or dropping racial slurs all over Twitter. I don't get why people want her outside with them xD  
 
welian said:
Alright everyone, I fell behind on keeping up with new character apps, so this post is going to be a bit curt and critical. It’s not that I don’t love you guys, it’s that I’m skimming through nine characters in a row and making sure that everyone has time to edit things by the 22nd.


Lars @Gus


Breaking the fourth wall is not a personality trait. There’s probably a better name for what you’ve described in that paragraph, some sort of philosophy that Lars abides by. Find it and use it.


You’re going to really have to tighten up his powers, make them more limited and specific in scope. I’ve let you get away with breaking my physics and being a literal walking black hole already, but I’ll need to draw the line at “reality bending” as that’s generally one of the powers that I instantly reject. Similar to how Kyle’s dream conjurations expire when he wakes up, I suggest you take some cues from indigo and work out some hard limitations for Lars’ abilities.


I’d also suggest removing “technology” as a limitation or at least be more specific about how it directly pertains to and affects his powers; and would prefer if you removed the part about the spirit world. This is not a paranormal RP, and I’d like to make sure no one gets any ideas about ghosts or magic.  


Less breaking the 4th wall, more leaning. I need that shit to support my roof, yo.


Manami @Gus


Her backstory indicates she was created – but was she a normal human girl, or was she carrying the super gene? It’d be best to make that clear. Artificial supers are not, at this point in the story, possible to create.


As far as her powers go, do remember that stats are not acknowledged in-story, they are a strictly meta thing. Based on the stat increases you’ve described, I believe Manami is actually a B rank and should be submitted as such. I also think that her powers could be more accurately described under the umbrella term of [insert sea creature here] physiology.


Under her “monstrous appearance” limitation, you mention that she’s being hunted by Aegis and Commonwealth. Do keep in mind that Commonwealth is a government agency devoted to regulating supers and that Aegis is only a private company that runs training programs for supers. As GM, I’d say that Commonwealth would have a vested interest in protecting Manami (and coyly courting her for her consent to additional tests), while Aegis is interested in filling seats to keep getting grants from the federal government.


Nike @Suzuki Mine


Strong Soul honestly reads like psychic powers to me, so I’m interested in seeing how she’ll interact with some of the other psychic students in the facility, such as Ren and Michael. I’d even argue that her seals are rituals she goes through to enforce self-made mental blocks that limit her powers.


I know you’ve been fretting over her powers for a long time in the Skype group, and while they’re still a little “out there” for what I’ve tried to keep a semi-crunchy story, I do appreciate that you’ve laid out strong, clear, and consistent internal rules for her powers (always very important) and even acknowledged within the sheet that the “soul” aspect is up for interpretation.


My only suggestion tonight would be to throw some numbers into the history so that we get a rough idea of how old she was when she began vigilante work.


Ophelia @KingHink


Dude, you went straight for Hard Mode with no opposable thumbs. Why do you hate your characters? What have these adorable fictional girls done to you?


Finish this sheet. Put something in there. Tell us if she was one of those rare cases of powers activated from the womb, or if she underwent the slow, agonizing mutation of her arms turning into tentacles as she grew up.


Just keep working on this, okay? Let me know when you’ve got this draft done. I don’t think you’ll need a second supporting power for something as simple as regenerating tentacle arms, and the limitations are really clear-cut and obvious.


After reading through reality bending, stat changes, and soul power, I really appreciate seeing such a straightforward character and simple power in an app.


Tomoko @too much idea


The backstory still has a few kinks in it, but the basics are fine – young genius exchange student, enrolled at Aegis. Commonwealth doesn’t have an international presence, so I think her backstory might make more sense if a few details were changed.


Perhaps something like Tomoko being offered an opportunity to study abroad as a graduate student, and then Commonwealth tested her as part of the visa process. In fact, there’s a very well-known school in Baltimore called Johns Hopkins University – lots of doctors and engineers there!


Overall, I don’t have anything against Tomoko’s powers. She’s very similar to Jordan who is also a young super-genius, but they have very different childhoods. If Tomoko is accepted, then I hope to see those characters work together on some grand machine.


Penny @Teh Frixz


I really like Penny! For the ease of interacting with the other characters though, I think you should consider making her a fair bit less radioactive. She’ll still be deadly and generate lots of power, but the containment suit will be more plausible.


I also think you should go into more detail about her limitations, especially the first one. Just pop off a list of what insulates radiation, you know? Then we can technobabble our way through a containment suit. And, out of curiousity:

  • Does she glow?
  • What’s her half life?



Anneliese @Bag o Fruit


Do you have any idea how refreshing it is to see an older woman in this RP? Like, fucking finally. I did the math. The average age of the male characters in 27.7. For the ladies, it’s 17.9. We need more male students and more female teachers, tbh.


Now, onto actual comments.


You’ll have to pick on role for her and stick to it. Since the eight classes listed are the only eight classes at 108 (therefore “negotiations teacher” is not possible), I suggest a guidance counselor. It would complement the disciplinary counselor’s role quite nicely.


You’ll need to adjust her personality traits. Remember, it’s one positive one, two neutral ones, and one negative one. Honesty Is not a negative trait.


I would not call her second supporting power “intuition”. What you’ve described is very obviously body language and so you make it clearer that her power constitutes both listening to verbal and non-verbal language.


Nor would I call “flexibility” a limitation of her powers. She’s a highly empathic woman, but that does not necessarily relate to her powers. Remember – the limitations refers to limitations of the superpowers, not of the person in general.


Final note: She can listen, but can she repeat? Listening, reading, writing, and speaking are four separate language skills. Just because she is fantastic at parsing and understanding verbal and body language, does not mean that she is able to write or speak the language fluently. Finding and defining these boundaries will determine whether or not she is truly an omniglot.


Page @Manic Muse


She was accepted once before. I don’t see why she wouldn’t be accepted again. The dragon’s breath ability is pretty nifty, and it’s great that you gave it a hard limitation of a defined distance and adjusted her rank accordingly. As for the listed limitations though, I think you should revise the third one a bit and explain, explicitly, how her stunted emotional development impact her ability to use her superpowers.


Jessica @Captain Hesperus


>.> You could just… tweak her app and make her a B-rank? I really like her powers though. Her third limitation would better fit in the history section.  Hold on to Vape, okay? Work out some stat combinations. Tag me when you’ve got some more stuff written.


Wolf @CloudyBlueDay


Does her birth certificate really say Wolf? Amazing. Anyways, this is pretty awesome imo. No one had stretchy powers in the previous RP, and you’re the first to do it in Aegis – this pleases me!


Her limitations are quite reasonable. Like I’ve said in response to the other apps though, I’d like to see some more defined, hard limits thrown in. How much stretch is too much stretch? Could she every possibly permanently lose her shape? Sprinkle some more details in there!




//flops


I'm going to sleep now.





 
Click to expand...



Alright, i'll fix her pretty soon! :D
 
I guess I should probably let the secret out since it is causing more confusion than it is worth: Lars is actually an E rank with no powers whatsoever. He IS a stage magician who used misdirection to fool the testers. All of his illusion 'powers' are carefully crafted tricks. I will tweak personality description soon, and also work up a 'true' profile to supplement the 'official' one...
 
There's literally only a quarter of the history done but everything else is complete!


Please do critique what you can so I can get right back into completing It all when I come back from my Holiday.


I most definitely want to get to use him as soon as possible and every bit of advice helps me achieve that goal! <3
 
@CloudyBlueDay


I checked over your character sheet.  I really don't have any input. It already seems very well thought out. Like you already said in chat, some stretch limitations and bam done. She sounds cool. Can't wait to see her in the role play. 
 
St Indigo said:
There's literally only a quarter of the history done but everything else is complete!


Please do critique what you can so I can get right back into completing It all when I come back from my Holiday.


I most definitely want to get to use him as soon as possible and every bit of advice helps me achieve that goal! <3
Click to expand...

I honestly can't think. The only thing I can think of while reading the whole profile is two words, "Cancer Puppy."


If you have time, I highly suggest youtubing "cancer puppy magicians."
 
@welian I don't see her power as being B-rank, because she could become chlorine gas and kill a room full of people. Yes, the feedback would debilitate her as well, but still.


Additionally, I included the Carer limitation since her mother is a vulnerability. As a person with a fragile mind and memory problems, she could be used as a bargaining chip by any villain who does a bit of background research into Vape.


Captain Hesperus
 
welian said:
Wolf @CloudyBlueDay


Does her birth certificate really say Wolf? Amazing. Anyways, this is pretty awesome imo. No one had stretchy powers in the previous RP, and you’re the first to do it in Aegis – this pleases me!


Her limitations are quite reasonable. Like I’ve said in response to the other apps though, I’d like to see some more defined, hard limits thrown in. How much stretch is too much stretch? Could she every possibly permanently lose her shape? Sprinkle some more details in there!
Click to expand...


Manic Muse said:
@CloudyBlueDay


I checked over your character sheet.  I really don't have any input. It already seems very well thought out. Like you already said in chat, some stretch limitations and bam done. She sounds cool. Can't wait to see her in the role play. 
Click to expand...

More defined limitations were added! (thanks for your help, Muse!)
 
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