If there is one important thing that I have learned during the Covid-19 scare is that Bigfoot's real name is Daryl.
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Back before I married my wife, I had to ask her how I could possibly trust her when she runs away every time I untie her?
Why is it that there are 500 shopping carts at the store and I keep picking the one with a wobbly front wheel that sounds like a squealing pig being roasted alive?
Good news! The end of the quarantine has just been announced!
Octembuary 54th!
Save the date for a giant block party!
I'm not saying that its hot outside, but two hobbits just threw a ring in my back yard.
Hi
Uhh
Puns are fun
And your profile still has anime girls
Anime boys when
I used to just crastinate, but I got so good I went pro.
Cheerful cowboys make jolly ranchers.
Where do you take someone injured in a peek-a-boo accident?
The I.C.U.
I have a fear of giants. Its called Feefiphobia.
The hardest part of parenting is being fake mad and not laughing up a storm when your kids do something bad but funny as hell.
If your house is ever hit by a shark, don't go outside to check on the damage or to see if the shark is ok. That is how the Sharknado ticks you into coming outside where it can get you.
Why do hurricanes have lame people names like Sandy? Call them something like 'Death Megatron 3000' and I guarantee that people will evacuate for that shit.
Do you know how to ask out a DnD player?
Ask them for a D8!
I am so sexy, the cashiers at the grocery store are always checking me out.
Its easy to deter the ladies from eating Tide Pods, but it is much harder to deter . . . gents.
With so many sporting events being canceled, I am happy to announce that the World Origami Championship is going to go on as scheduled.
Its on paperview.
I always carry a pair of scissors with me just in case I get attacked by a killer. I hand him the scissors and run off, and I know that I'll get away because everyone knows you aren't supposed to run with scissors in your hand.
Before Mount Rushmore was carved, its beauty was unpresidented.
Earlier today, I saw a group of ten ants running around all frantic. I felt so bad for them, so I built them a little house for the out of a cardboard box. This technically makes me their landlord, and they are my . . .
Tenants
Do you know that there is a theory saying that no two people see a color exactly the same way?
Does that mean that color is a pigment of your imagination?
I am right 97% of the time.
Who cares about the other 4%?
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
Because it's two gross.
What song do the vegetables at the Japanese restaurant hate to hear?
We will we will wok you!
I scraped my elbow digging for gold.
It was just a miner injury. -
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