Sherwood

Sherwood · May 3, 2019

A cowboy comes riding into town one day. As he is tying his horse up at the corral, he goes to the rear of the animal and plants a big kiss on its rear end.
Another cowboy sees him do that, he asks, "What the hell did you do that for?!?"
The answer was, "Chapped lips."
"Does that help them?"
"No, but it keeps me from licking them!"

Sherwood · May 3, 2019

A family walks into a motel, and the dad looks at the clerk and says, "I do hope that the porn is disabled."
The clerk says, "Its regular porn, you sicko!"

Sherwood · May 3, 2019

A little boy kills a butterfly. Dad says, "No butter for two weeks!"
The boy then kills a honeybee. Mom says, "No honey for two weeks!"
Then, mom kills a cockroach.
The boy looks at his dad and says, "Are you going to tell her, or should I?"

Sherwood · May 3, 2019

I hear that McDonalds is going to market a new product: A deep fried pickle dipped in batter. It will be called the McDill Dough.

Sherwood · May 3, 2019

A baby can drink a full bottle and fall asleep and its cute, but when I do it, I'm an alcoholic.

Sherwood · May 2, 2019

I'm beginning to think that my wife isn't going to apologize for the way she was acting in my dream last night.

Sherwood · May 2, 2019

If a woman admits she's wrong, apologizes, and agrees to change her ways, dump her immediately. She might just be a man. Women don't do that.

Sherwood · May 2, 2019

Ever notice that when you lose the tv remote, you also lose all trust in your fellow man?

"Are you sitting on the remote?"
"No."
"Get up."

Sherwood · May 2, 2019

Never in the history of calming down has anyone ever calmed down by being told to calm down.

Sherwood · May 2, 2019

When my wife is mad at me, I tighten all the jar lids so she has to talk to me.

Sherwood · May 1, 2019

I am really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta. So, if you and 79 of your closest friends want spaghetti, come on over tonight.

Sherwood · May 1, 2019

I used to wonder what it would be like to read minds, but then I logged onto Facebook and I got over it.

Sherwood · May 1, 2019

Once I told my ex that I felt like killing her. She told me that I need professional help, so I hired a hit man.

Sherwood · May 1, 2019

Preschool rules and bar rules are the same: You pee your pants, you go home.

Sherwood · May 1, 2019

During an argument with a woman, if she tells you that you're right, that's sarcasm.

Sherwood · May 1, 2019

My neighbor yelled at her kids so loud that even I brushed my teeth and went to bed.

Sherwood · May 1, 2019

With my luck, I'm gonna die the day I get my shit together.

Sherwood · May 1, 2019

Finding friends with the same mental disorders that you have and the same sense of humor:

Priceless!

Sherwood · May 1, 2019

Cop: What's in the bottle?
Me: Just some water.
Cop: Sir, that's alcohol.
Me: Oh my goodness! Jesus did it again!

Sherwood · May 1, 2019

I like to think of myself as a pretty nice person, but if there were ever an asshole competition, I would place respectfully high in my weight division.

Sherwood · Apr 30, 2019

Curling irons have a warning sign on them that says 'for external use only'. Which one of you sick people made that necessary?

Sherwood · Apr 30, 2019

Parenthood: When you vaguely mention something you maybe might all do some hypothetical day and your kids take it as a blood oath and will never forget it.

Ever.