Would like Feedback on Battle Character

[Seth D Inuzuma]

So this is the entirety of my combat character can I get some feedback on it please. Thank you.

 


                                                                                                                                               Digi-Rider Gemu 
                                                                                                                                               Basic Information


Name: Hiko Komaru
Digi-Rider Name: Gemu
Motif: Console Video Games/Handheld Video Games/DLC
Age: 25
D.O.B: 3/12/1990
Zodiac Sign: Pisces
Hair/Eye Color: Black/Brown
Skin Tone: Slightly pale


Life Details


Marital Status: Single 
Job: Arcade Manager/Owner (Hikamoro)
Hobbies: Video games, Ramen Shop hunting, Cooking
Home/House: Apartment above his Arcade
Family: Fusu Komaru (Older Sister)    
            Senji Sawaru (Fusu’s Boyfriend/Fiance)
            Satawa Komaru (Father)
            Ineke Komaru (Mother)
Relationships:  Marshall Kurane (Co-worker/Best Friend)
                         Rohi (Rider Representative)
                         Digi-Gemu (Driver OS)
                         Kuroko-San (Advisor/Previous owner of Hikomoro)


Hiko's Gear


Digi-Rider Devices: Gemu Driver: Belt Based Henshin Device
                                Gemu Wireless: Bracer Based Henshin Device Upgrade
                                Gemu SDs: Form Changers based on SD Cards 
                                Gemu Cartridge: Upgrades corresponding form
                                Bideo Plug: Belt Based Upgrade Attachment



Weapons: Controller Gun: Gemu’s Gun/Controller Based Weapon
                 Power Cord: Gemu’s Chain Sword/Power Plug Based Weapon
                 Knight’s Honor: Gemu RPG’s Sword/Axe and Shield Weapon
                Virus Crusher: Upgraded Knight’s Honor
                Shatter Point: Gemu Fighter’s Gauntlet/Drill Based Weapon
                Firewall Smasher: Upgraded Code Breakers
                Perfect Scope: Gemu’s Plug/Rifle Based Weapon
                Port Shooter: Upgraded Perfect Scope
                Disc Reader Blade: Bideo Gemu’s Sword/Disc Reading Laser Weapon


Vehicles: Gemu Machine: Gemu’s Personal Motorcycle 
              (Model: Honda Stateline 2014)


                                                                                                                                          Bio/Information

A well-known slacker, Hiko was born to a hard working CEO father, and a full time housewife mother. He was considered a disappointment since his older sister was a top grade student her whole life, got a good position in their father’s company on her own merits and even found a steady boyfriend with whom she is planning to marry. It was not until Hiko got lucky and stumbled upon the abandoned Light Room arcade run by his now close friend Hideki Kuroko affectionately referred to as Kuroko-san, which he felt his life would turn around. After taking much of what he knew about gaming trends he helped Kuroko rebuild the broken down arcade and turn it into an extremely lively if still small/niche hang out for gamer kids in the area. The Shine company, well known for their military software as well as their video gaming department had taken an interest in the sudden resurgence of 'The Light Room' arcade thus added it to the list of potentially useful test locations. Once this was done Hiko found a young woman at the arcade holding a package explaining that Hiko as the owner of this arcade was given a special new 'Gaming apparatus' by Shine Company called the 'Digi-Rider Driver Model 004' and that her name was Rohi and she was to monitor him while he used this device to its greatest potential. Confused Hiko just decided to take the gift as he had been a long time fan of Shine and wanted to be a beta tester for them anyway.
​

 
​

Definitions
​

Data Force: This is the energy that is accessed when a Digi-Rider Driver is activated. It is what allows a Digi-Rider to use their special finishers as well as form Hard Data.
​

Hard Data: This material formed by Data Force is a nearly indestructible material in the normal universe. It is what each Digi-rider's armor and weapons are made of.
 
​

 


                                                                                    Digi-Rider Form Details


Gemu
Data Install: Gemu Start! (System Start up Jingle)
-Transformation announcement


Height: 198 cm (6 ft, 4 in)
Weight: 105 kilograms (231 pounds)


Ability Parameters
Punching Power: 6.5 Tons
Kicking Power: 9.2 Tons
Maximum Jump Height: 35 m (115 ft)
Maximum Running Speed: 96 m per 5 sec


Form Abilities

• Wireframe Detection
  
• Balanced Stats
  

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    



RPG (Role-Playing Game)
Data Install: RPG Start! (Clashing Blades followed by Trumpets Blaring)
-Transformation Announcement


Height: 190 cm (6 ft, 2 in)
Weight: 134 kilograms (295 pounds)


Ability Parameters
Punching Power: 8.2 Tons 
Kicking Power: 13.7 Tons 
Maximum Jump Height: 22 m (72 ft) 
Maximum Running Speed: 34 m per 7 sec 


Form Abilities

• Wireframe Detection
  
• Enhanced Strength and Defense
  
• Lower Speed and Jump Height
  
• Data Force Shield
  

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        



RPG: Level Up Mode
Cartridge Data Transfer: RPG! (Level up jingle followed by trumpets)
-Transformation Announcement


Ability Parameters
Punching Power: 15.3 Tons
Kicking Power: 20.4 Tons 
Maximum Jump Height: 22 m (72 ft) 
Maximum Running Speed: 34 m per 7 sec 


Form Abilities

• Shares abilities with RPG
  
• Higher Stats
  
• Data Force Shield power increased to maximum
  

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          


Fighting
Data Install: Fighter Start! (Countdown ticking followed by ‘Fight!’)
-Transformation Announcement


Height: 192 cm (6 ft, 3 in)
Weight: 120 kilograms (264 Pounds)


Ability Parameters
Punching Power: 7.3 Tons 
Kicking Power: 11 Tons 
Maximum Jump Height: 40 m (131 ft) 
Maximum Running Speed: 100 m per 4.3 sec 


Form Abilities

• Extremely Agile
  
• Lower Defense/Strength
  
• Wire Frame Detection
  
• Copies Combat Styles 
  

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                



Fighting: Final Round Mode
Cartridge Data Transfer: Fighting! (Countdown ticking followed by ‘Final Round! Fight!’)
-Transformation Announcement


Ability Parameters
Punching Power: 8.9 Tons
Kicking Power: 12.6 Tons
Maximum Jump Height: 60 m (197 ft)
Maximum Running Speed: 100 m per 2.3 sec


Form Abilities

• Shares all abilities with Fighting Mode
  
• Higher stats
  
• Copies Fighting Styles perfectly
  

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       


FPS (First Person Shooter)
Data Install: FPS Start! (Gunshots followed by shells dropping)
-Transformation Announcement


Height: 183 cm (6’0”)
Weight: 111.13 kilograms (245 lbs)


Ability Parameters
Punching Power: 4.7 Tons
Kicking Power: 7 tons
Maximum Jump Height: 106 m (348 ft)
Maximum Running Speed: 97.3 m per 5.44 sec


Form Abilities

• Wireframe detection has been extended and enhanced
  
• Lower overall stats
  
• Heightened Sensory Intake
  
• Bullet Trajectory Change 
  

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      



FPS: Artillery 
Cartridge Data Transfer: FPS! (Gunshots followed by explosions)
-Transformation Announcement


Ability Parameters
Punching Power: 4.7 Tons
Kicking Power: 7 Tons
Maximum Jump Height: 110 m (360 ft)
Maximum Running Speed: 100 m per 6 sec


Form Abilities

• Shares all abilities with FPS mode
  
• Enhanced Stats
  
• Added Thermal and X-Ray scope 
  
• Bullet/Shot Trajectory Change
  

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       


Bideo Gemu
Attachment Install: Bideo Gemu! (Whirring followed by all five transformation sounds in order)
-Transformation Announcement


Height: 198.12 cm (6 ft 8 in)
Weight: 120.65 kilograms (266 lbs)


Ability Parameters
Punching Power: 25 Tons
Kicking Power: 30 Tons
Maximum Jump Height: 150 m (492.12 ft)
Maximum Running Speed: 150 m per 1.3 sec


Form Abilities

• Highest Stat Total
  
• Access to all five previous forms unique abilities
  
• Wireframe Detection
  
• 'Link Up' ability: Allows the usage of other Digi-Rider Special attributes/abilities and Finishers by inserting their SD cards into secondary slot.
  

                                                                                                                                       Digi-Rider Finishers


Gemu
There are three variations to Gemu Mode’s finisher
Gemu Code Breaker: Gemu charges immense data force into his right leg and unleashes it into the enemy via a Side Kick/Flying Kick. 
Gemu Byte Blast: Gemu collects Data Force into the chamber of the Controller Gun and fire it in a powerful orb that captures the opponent and then implodes. 
Gemu Data Slasher: Data Force is gathered through the entire Power Cord’s chain that is then lashed out sending many blade waves of Data Force to cut the opponent to ribbons. 


                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          


RPG
Power Knight has data force collecting all through Gemu’s Body and into his Knight’s Honor as it creates giant data force versions of them that slam into the opponent from both sides. 
Dragon’s Hunt has Gemu collect data force from all around directly into his Odachi, which he then slashes, and releases a powerful dragon head made of data force that bites down on the opponent and explodes. 


                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           


Fighting
Perfect Combination has the Shatter Point drills spin at dangerously high speeds while collecting stray Data Force from the air and then proceeds to perform a complicated punch combination ending in a powerful uppercut. 
Trinity Finisher has the Firewall Smashers spin and collect an immense amount of Data force that is then released as spiral blasts that contain/bind the opponent and then Gemu dashes around them forming two clones of him which then all punch into the same point from three angles. 


                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            


FPS
Six Chamber Shot has Data Force collect into the six chambers of the Perfect Scope and are then fired each one fusing with the last one fired, ending up as one giant blast aimed towards the opponent. 
Data Destroyer has Gemu localize a target and collect Data Force within the Port Shooter, which then launches the data force as a missile that fires towards the target upon getting close the missile scatters into hundreds of shots that all collide on the target from all angles. 


                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              


Bideo Gemu
Data Dimension Slash forces a dangerous amount of data force through Gemu’s body and into the Disc Reader Sword, this causes the blade to grow until it is triple its normal size which is all released as a crescent sword wave forward at the enemy. Upon hitting it creates a singularity in its data that rips it apart in a powerful explosion. 
 

 

[MrMopp]

Would you like me to proofread it?

 

[Seth D Inuzuma]

nah just some general feedback on the idea would be nice

 

[MrMopp]

Aright, brace your self. I can be brutally honest. 

 

[Seth D Inuzuma]

I would prefer that

 

[MrMopp]

 Aright. Here we go. 


SO firstly, I noticed that no one has responded since you posted on Oct 3. That is probably because people can't read it. (Your grammar is ok, but you know know those long, overly wordy "User Agreement" document things that nobody reads? Yeeeeaaaaaahhhh. My eyes acualy want to slide off the paper). If you want more reviews, you need to write like your readers are a bunch ADHD cases (because they are) and either make it easy to read, or entertaining to read. Or both. 


Here's a few things I picked out that NEED fixed before I can further review. 


•Make the title of every topic BIG, bold, or BOTH


•Separate each "form" of Gemu's into its own section (I would use a long ••••••••• ________________ as the dividing line between each form) 


•Put a double space between EVERY new topic. Except for the basic stuff like name, age, hair color, DOB, etc, etc.


•Form #1- the mundane one- needs to have a topic labeled BIO. Put family info and history there (Btw: how did he get his video game powers? Describe that in his bio, too.)


•Have a topic labeled POWERS/ABILITIES for each form. Use bullet points for each powers description (no double space necessary) 


•Gemu's got a video game theme. Cool. But tell us what he can do. NOT- I repeat- NOT the button combos and "input commands" he needs to preform to do it. That's extremely microscopic detail. 


•This might be a me thing, but why "Digi-armor?" Is he a Digimon?


•What is "data force"? 


•what the"FPS?" 


•Kill redundancies


•Kill microscopic detail. 



•Make it shorter 


•Make it simpler. 

 

[Seth D Inuzuma]

@MrMopp So I edited it to your specifications as best I could how does it look?

 

[MrMopp]

It still needs work, but it's much easier on the eyes. Thanks. 


 So, where do his powers come from? Im not quite clear on that. 

 

[Seth D Inuzuma]

The data force the driver exudes comes from a pocket reality known as the D-Realm that the Shine company discovered. He was given the driver to test the stability of data force in our reality so they can try to create data force weapons