Literature Worst Book Ever?

[Imaginiaria]

Any fellow readers out there? Ever found the worst book you've ever read? Reply below.

My worst has to go to the House of Night series. Unlikable hypocritical Mary Sue protagonist who every boy she meets falls in love with her almost instantly, a confusing plot involving vampires that live to be edgy and that repeats itself over and over with each installment and so many other things wrong with it that if I continued, we'd be here all day. ...Did I mention this series has 14 books? I was barely able to get through the second and from what I heard, the series just gets worse and worse from then on.

 

[Cross]

I'm familiar with that series! The writers are mother and daughter. It definitely has some issues.

The worst book I can think of is Animal Farm. I thought it was so dull and boring and forced. The book is about the dangers of communism told from the perspective of farm animals. I think books that try to beat the message into the reader that hard are tedious.

 

[Imaginiaria]

I'm familiar with that series! The writers are mother and daughter. It definitely has some issues.

The worst book I can think of is Animal Farm. I thought it was so dull and boring and forced. The book is about the dangers of communism told from the perspective of farm animals. I think books that try to beat the message into the reader that hard are tedious.

That reminds me of another book I once read that dealt with racism. I can't remember much about it aside from it being a post-apocalyptic (Sorta.) story and the names for people's race (even thought it's just another word for whites, blacks, etc.) were a bit strange.

 

[Tove]

The Twilight books, I wish I could erase those from my memory.

 

[Abendrot]

The worst book I have ever read: The Fires of Darkness [LONG]
written by /u/firesoffarceness, not me

Recently, someone I knew in high school announced that she was publishing a book. I was happy for her, but also a little puzzled because I never really pictured her as a writer, and I know getting published is extremely difficult. Sure enough, when I checked the book’s publisher on Amazon, “CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform” was listed. The book was 366 pages and cost 13 bucks. A tough sell, but once I saw that the Amazon description and blurb on the back of the book contained numerous spelling and grammatical errors, I knew what I had to do.

I’ve now finished the book and I can say for a fact that it is the single worst thing I have ever read. It is a nonsensical medieval fantasy filtered through a bizarre fever dream, written by someone who does not have a solid grasp on the English language or books in general. In a vast sea of crappy self-published novels, The Fires of Darkness is singular in its absurdity, ineptitude, and unintentional comedy. This is the book equivalent of Tommy Wiseau’s The Room.

THE FIRES OF DARKNESS

The book begins promisingly – on page two, in super-tiny font, is the copyright: “Copyright has been filed, paperwork not yet received. Please don’t steal my idea. I worked hard for this.” Things get more interesting on the table of contents, where the third chapter Unity is asterisked. In the footnotes: “*DISCLAIMER: Self-harm is never okay. If you are currently having thoughts or are self-harming, please get help.” I wonder what that chapter could be about.

The last realization I had before the book began was that it was double-spaced. Between this formatting choice, the massive font, and large margins, I can only assume that this is only half the length of a real book.

It starts with a bang: “There are some questions that almost all know the answer to, like: why do we eat? But there are some questions that must never be asked, and there is one question that has so many different answers; that question is ‘How did the universe begin?’” Ponderous, indeed.

The Fires of Darkness follows Thorn Darkenstien, an 18-year-old blacksmith for the Kingdom of Darkness, where it is always night. Thorn is the greatest blacksmith in the entire universe. She also has the ability to control fire, an unexplained phenomena that only she can do. Luckily, she only uses it in the forge and no one treats her differently because of it.

This power is rather tame compared to the ones Thorn acquires later in the book, such as Wolverine-like healing abilities, teleportation, and flight. Thorn is also the greatest combatant in the universe, as well as stunningly attractive, charismatic, and wise. She can create new suns. Also, God is her grandmother.

THE PLOT:

Thorn Darkenstien wakes up on her 18th birthday and begins work at her forge. As she returns home later that day, she walks in on her father beating her mother, so she beats the shit out of him. This leads her to discover that he has gold blood, meaning he is from the Kingdom of Light, the sworn enemy of the Kingdom of Darkness.

She reports this to the queen, who immediately kills her father and tells Thorn she is actually a princess. She was switched at birth with a peasant child to protect her from… something. Anyways, Thorn becomes a princess and joins the army, and also meets the love of her life, Jason.

One night, the Kingdom of Light attacks. In the midst of battle, Thorn spontaneously catches on fire and kills a dozen enemies with each sweep of her sword. She passes out, and meets God, who is her grandmother (her grandmother is never mentioned or seen before or after this event). God says she must unite the three Kingdoms – Light, Dark, and Shadow, or else the entire realm will be destroyed.

Pretty good setup for a trilogy, right? Nope. Thorn is so efficient, she solves this problem within ten pages. That’s right, Thorn unites the three kingdoms, ceasing a war that has lasted for millennia, in ten pages. This is the core problem for the book’s plot: every time a new plot line is introduced, Thorn extinguishes it in ten pages or less, sometimes on the very same page that the conflict is introduced.

Thorn unites the kingdoms, fakes her own death (for vague reasons), starts a new life, lives undercover for four years, and returns to restore the unity of the kingdoms all in under fifty pages. By the end of the book, over twenty years have passed – Thorn has saved the world several times, killed countless people, birthed two children, and exiled herself from a society that worships her (still not sure why). And this is the first book in a trilogy!

The introduction of a new plotline every ten pages makes things very convoluted and confusing. Thorn’s sister Lucy is only mentioned once in passing, but later tries to disrupt the unity of the three kingdoms (for reasons unknown). This is presented as a huge plot twist.

This happens several times, my favorite being a character named Rosa’s betrayal of Thorn. Thorn only meets Rosa once, when Rosa brings her some ingots for smelting. They don’t interact again for four years, until Thorn kills her sister Lucy. Rosa returns and delivers a monologue revealing her allegiance to Lucy. She tries and fails to kill Thorn. This, too, is a huge plot twist, as if the two had some previous relationship.

Eventually it gets absurd. Thorn kills a character named Matthew, who is never mentioned prior to his death, but apparently he needed to die. Thorn’s husband Jason, after years of marriage, finally admits to Thorn that his mother was abusive to him. By the end of the page, Thorn has literally ripped his mother’s head off with her bare hands, for which he thanks her.

Other plotlines are abandoned altogether, such as when Thorn’s brother Thomas (or Tomas, the book never really settles on how his name is spelled) attempts to kill Thorn to claim her throne. She forgives him, but it’s still heavily hinted he plans mutiny. Nothing ever comes of it. At one point, Thorn’s infant daughter visits her from the future, fully grown, to warn that her life is in danger. This is never explained or revisited.

There’s a healthy dose of deus ex machina. My favorite example being when Thorn is abducted by a cultish group of elders who are unhappy with Queenly policies. She is chained up for three months and only fed twice (while she is also pregnant). Her family finds and saves her because, as her husband explains it, her daughter had a “vision type thing”. Those are the words used. The elders are then hinted to make a return, but it’s not clear if they ever do. Thorn’s baby is born without issue.

Overall I’d say the plot of this book is actually its greatest strength, because it is just so damn unpredictable.

THE WRITING:

Beyond Thorn being the ultimate Mary Sue, the writing is childlike. I guess the final publication is a first draft, because the book is riddled with spelling errors, bizarre grammar, and tense changes. The book begins with several pages of the protagonist putting on clothes – we don’t hear her internal monologue, we only read about the process of brushing her hair and putting on boots. Several times throughout the book, we’ll be treated to a page-long description of the floorplan of a house or castle that is never revisited.

Oftentimes, sentences will begin and end with the same words: “I then took the leather strap and I tied back my hair, dropping the comb on the nightstand after tying back my hair.”

This can extend to entire passages: “I broke apart a loaf of bread and started to eat it as I walked to my forge. I walked through the city and towards my forge. I walked on a path that led to my forge; the path also lead to the front doors of the castle. Before I could actually get close to the castle I took a left and I was at my forge.”

Every sentence is just devoid of nuance – they are as matter-of-fact as a textbook. The combat is especially bad: “I punched him with my left hand, then again with my right, then left, then right, I punched him with my right again.”

The writing gets lazier as the book goes on – by the end, I had trouble deciphering the sentences into readable English. The number of spelling errors and the stilted sentence structure turns easy statements into puzzles. Here’s a bit from a letter Thorn receives from the elders: “The other elders of Darkness will find a way to destroy you every lasting sprit.”

Some of it is nigh unreadable: “I walked up to the creature, he was talking about how he had a whore locked in a place, and even though no one will find her. He will boast about her.”

The worldbuilding is pretty inconsistent, too. None of the three kingdoms or their inhabitants are described in any great detail. Thorn lives in a place that is always dark, but she somehow always knows what time it is. The currency doesn’t make any sense – Thorn sells some gauntlets for 140 gold pieces, but later buys an entire house for only 30.

Although the story takes place in what I’m assuming is an analogue for Medieval Europe, everyone speaks like a modern day American. Thorn is the only person with a weird name, everyone else is Jason or Peter or Thomas.

THE WEIRD SHIT:

One of the most bizarre writing decisions is the inclusion of graphic violence and sex scenes. Starting out, the book definitely gives off a YA vibe – a young girl thrust into greatness, wanting a normal life, etc. But halfway in, characters start dropping F-bombs out of nowhere. Their vulgarity doesn’t even hold a candle to the ten (ten!) sex scenes.

Usually, sex scenes reveal plot or character information, but I don’t think the author knew this. Instead, at random points throughout the book, Thorn and her lover just decide to have sex. All of these scenes go on for several pages and never really break the formula. The lovers’ “tongues dance”, they “bite down into each other’s collar bones”, they “move away” and “towards” each other for hours until they both climax. Ten times.

The sex starts off innocent enough, but it grows weirder as they go along. By the third instance, we have some of my favorite lines such as “I winked as he deeply penetrated me”; “I started to laugh as his face. He looked like he was in agonizing pain, but I knew it was quite the opposite really”; “with one final thrust he cause me to climax with an explosion around me. I knew I was on fire at that time.” In the final scenes, Jason is routinely giving Thorn head (which she never reciprocates) and “drinking from her”. I honestly questioned if the book was an erotic novel.

I also must wonder if the author has knowledge of how sex or pregnancy works. Thorn and Jason regularly have sex for “hours and hours”, with Jason never stopping between climaxes. Jason is also a doctor and can determine if Thorn is pregnant simply by looking at her vagina.

The most uncomfortable part of reading The Fires of Darkness is the feeling that you are peering into the author’s head. It feels almost like a diary, detailing the author’s fantasies (both sexual and non). Thorn is so clearly an author-insert, being the prettiest, the most skilled, and absolutely faultless.

She does many of the things girls on the cusp of adulthood dream of doing: living on her own, having sex, getting full-body tattoos, saving the world. She is the best fighter, the Chosen One, the most just Queen and the grandchild of God. She can be cruel, though, especially to men.

There is a hatred of males running throughout the text: the kingdom is a matriarchy, all the fathers portrayed are abusive, and most of the men try to rape Thorn at one point or another. She takes pride in killing them, and especially enjoys kicking them in their penises, which are always “partially aroused”.

At one point, Thorn and her brother Thomas get into a fight, where she breaks his jaw and kicks him so hard in the groin that his genitalia require stitches. She finds this hilarious and nearly bursts out laughing. Years later, she reminisces about the time she broke his penis and smiles at the memory, although she is thankful she did not render him sterile.

This is compounded by how Thorn’s husband Jason exists solely to please her. He practically worships her, giving her oral sex without ever receiving, doing her every bidding, never questioning her judgment. He becomes a quivering mess every time she is gone -- he is absolutely useless without her. He is the male equivalent of a lusty wench.

The book is extremely personal – several characters are named after people the author knows in real life. Many of the people Thorn brutalizes are named after those the author is not fond of. The personal nature of the book and the proximity I have with the author made this the most uncomfortable read I’ve ever endured.

THE VERDICT:

I’ve read a lot of the worst books on Amazon, and I don’t think any of them hold a candle to The Fires of Darkness. Every part of this novel – the structure, the language, the characters, the meta-text – is inept to the point of absurdity. It is the epitome of “so good it’s bad”. It is simultaneously the best and worst book I’ve ever read.

I laughed, I sighed. I highly recommend it.

Amazon page

 

[Imaginiaria]

The worst book I have ever read: The Fires of Darkness [LONG]

Recently, someone I knew in high school announced that she was publishing a book. I was happy for her, but also a little puzzled because I never really pictured her as a writer, and I know getting published is extremely difficult. Sure enough, when I checked the book’s publisher on Amazon, “CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform” was listed. The book was 366 pages and cost 13 bucks. A tough sell, but once I saw that the Amazon description and blurb on the back of the book contained numerous spelling and grammatical errors, I knew what I had to do.

I’ve now finished the book and I can say for a fact that it is the single worst thing I have ever read. It is a nonsensical medieval fantasy filtered through a bizarre fever dream, written by someone who does not have a solid grasp on the English language or books in general. In a vast sea of crappy self-published novels, The Fires of Darkness is singular in its absurdity, ineptitude, and unintentional comedy. This is the book equivalent of Tommy Wiseau’s The Room.

THE FIRES OF DARKNESS

The book begins promisingly – on page two, in super-tiny font, is the copyright: “Copyright has been filed, paperwork not yet received. Please don’t steal my idea. I worked hard for this.” Things get more interesting on the table of contents, where the third chapter Unity is asterisked. In the footnotes: “*DISCLAIMER: Self-harm is never okay. If you are currently having thoughts or are self-harming, please get help.” I wonder what that chapter could be about.

The last realization I had before the book began was that it was double-spaced. Between this formatting choice, the massive font, and large margins, I can only assume that this is only half the length of a real book.

It starts with a bang: “There are some questions that almost all know the answer to, like: why do we eat? But there are some questions that must never be asked, and there is one question that has so many different answers; that question is ‘How did the universe begin?’” Ponderous, indeed.

The Fires of Darkness follows Thorn Darkenstien, an 18-year-old blacksmith for the Kingdom of Darkness, where it is always night. Thorn is the greatest blacksmith in the entire universe. She also has the ability to control fire, an unexplained phenomena that only she can do. Luckily, she only uses it in the forge and no one treats her differently because of it.

This power is rather tame compared to the ones Thorn acquires later in the book, such as Wolverine-like healing abilities, teleportation, and flight. Thorn is also the greatest combatant in the universe, as well as stunningly attractive, charismatic, and wise. She can create new suns. Also, God is her grandmother.

THE PLOT:

Thorn Darkenstien wakes up on her 18th birthday and begins work at her forge. As she returns home later that day, she walks in on her father beating her mother, so she beats the shit out of him. This leads her to discover that he has gold blood, meaning he is from the Kingdom of Light, the sworn enemy of the Kingdom of Darkness.

She reports this to the queen, who immediately kills her father and tells Thorn she is actually a princess. She was switched at birth with a peasant child to protect her from… something. Anyways, Thorn becomes a princess and joins the army, and also meets the love of her life, Jason.

One night, the Kingdom of Light attacks. In the midst of battle, Thorn spontaneously catches on fire and kills a dozen enemies with each sweep of her sword. She passes out, and meets God, who is her grandmother (her grandmother is never mentioned or seen before or after this event). God says she must unite the three Kingdoms – Light, Dark, and Shadow, or else the entire realm will be destroyed.

Pretty good setup for a trilogy, right? Nope. Thorn is so efficient, she solves this problem within ten pages. That’s right, Thorn unites the three kingdoms, ceasing a war that has lasted for millennia, in ten pages. This is the core problem for the book’s plot: every time a new plot line is introduced, Thorn extinguishes it in ten pages or less, sometimes on the very same page that the conflict is introduced.

Thorn unites the kingdoms, fakes her own death (for vague reasons), starts a new life, lives undercover for four years, and returns to restore the unity of the kingdoms all in under fifty pages. By the end of the book, over twenty years have passed – Thorn has saved the world several times, killed countless people, birthed two children, and exiled herself from a society that worships her (still not sure why). And this is the first book in a trilogy!

The introduction of a new plotline every ten pages makes things very convoluted and confusing. Thorn’s sister Lucy is only mentioned once in passing, but later tries to disrupt the unity of the three kingdoms (for reasons unknown). This is presented as a huge plot twist.

This happens several times, my favorite being a character named Rosa’s betrayal of Thorn. Thorn only meets Rosa once, when Rosa brings her some ingots for smelting. They don’t interact again for four years, until Thorn kills her sister Lucy. Rosa returns and delivers a monologue revealing her allegiance to Lucy. She tries and fails to kill Thorn. This, too, is a huge plot twist, as if the two had some previous relationship.

Eventually it gets absurd. Thorn kills a character named Matthew, who is never mentioned prior to his death, but apparently he needed to die. Thorn’s husband Jason, after years of marriage, finally admits to Thorn that his mother was abusive to him. By the end of the page, Thorn has literally ripped his mother’s head off with her bare hands, for which he thanks her.

Other plotlines are abandoned altogether, such as when Thorn’s brother Thomas (or Tomas, the book never really settles on how his name is spelled) attempts to kill Thorn to claim her throne. She forgives him, but it’s still heavily hinted he plans mutiny. Nothing ever comes of it. At one point, Thorn’s infant daughter visits her from the future, fully grown, to warn that her life is in danger. This is never explained or revisited.

There’s a healthy dose of deus ex machina. My favorite example being when Thorn is abducted by a cultish group of elders who are unhappy with Queenly policies. She is chained up for three months and only fed twice (while she is also pregnant). Her family finds and saves her because, as her husband explains it, her daughter had a “vision type thing”. Those are the words used. The elders are then hinted to make a return, but it’s not clear if they ever do. Thorn’s baby is born without issue.

Overall I’d say the plot of this book is actually its greatest strength, because it is just so damn unpredictable.

THE WRITING:

Beyond Thorn being the ultimate Mary Sue, the writing is childlike. I guess the final publication is a first draft, because the book is riddled with spelling errors, bizarre grammar, and tense changes. The book begins with several pages of the protagonist putting on clothes – we don’t hear her internal monologue, we only read about the process of brushing her hair and putting on boots. Several times throughout the book, we’ll be treated to a page-long description of the floorplan of a house or castle that is never revisited.

Oftentimes, sentences will begin and end with the same words: “I then took the leather strap and I tied back my hair, dropping the comb on the nightstand after tying back my hair.”

This can extend to entire passages: “I broke apart a loaf of bread and started to eat it as I walked to my forge. I walked through the city and towards my forge. I walked on a path that led to my forge; the path also lead to the front doors of the castle. Before I could actually get close to the castle I took a left and I was at my forge.”

Every sentence is just devoid of nuance – they are as matter-of-fact as a textbook. The combat is especially bad: “I punched him with my left hand, then again with my right, then left, then right, I punched him with my right again.”

The writing gets lazier as the book goes on – by the end, I had trouble deciphering the sentences into readable English. The number of spelling errors and the stilted sentence structure turns easy statements into puzzles. Here’s a bit from a letter Thorn receives from the elders: “The other elders of Darkness will find a way to destroy you every lasting sprit.”

Some of it is nigh unreadable: “I walked up to the creature, he was talking about how he had a whore locked in a place, and even though no one will find her. He will boast about her.”

The worldbuilding is pretty inconsistent, too. None of the three kingdoms or their inhabitants are described in any great detail. Thorn lives in a place that is always dark, but she somehow always knows what time it is. The currency doesn’t make any sense – Thorn sells some gauntlets for 140 gold pieces, but later buys an entire house for only 30.

Although the story takes place in what I’m assuming is an analogue for Medieval Europe, everyone speaks like a modern day American. Thorn is the only person with a weird name, everyone else is Jason or Peter or Thomas.

THE WEIRD SHIT:

One of the most bizarre writing decisions is the inclusion of graphic violence and sex scenes. Starting out, the book definitely gives off a YA vibe – a young girl thrust into greatness, wanting a normal life, etc. But halfway in, characters start dropping F-bombs out of nowhere. Their vulgarity doesn’t even hold a candle to the ten (ten!) sex scenes.

Usually, sex scenes reveal plot or character information, but I don’t think the author knew this. Instead, at random points throughout the book, Thorn and her lover just decide to have sex. All of these scenes go on for several pages and never really break the formula. The lovers’ “tongues dance”, they “bite down into each other’s collar bones”, they “move away” and “towards” each other for hours until they both climax. Ten times.

The sex starts off innocent enough, but it grows weirder as they go along. By the third instance, we have some of my favorite lines such as “I winked as he deeply penetrated me”; “I started to laugh as his face. He looked like he was in agonizing pain, but I knew it was quite the opposite really”; “with one final thrust he cause me to climax with an explosion around me. I knew I was on fire at that time.” In the final scenes, Jason is routinely giving Thorn head (which she never reciprocates) and “drinking from her”. I honestly questioned if the book was an erotic novel.

I also must wonder if the author has knowledge of how sex or pregnancy works. Thorn and Jason regularly have sex for “hours and hours”, with Jason never stopping between climaxes. Jason is also a doctor and can determine if Thorn is pregnant simply by looking at her vagina.

The most uncomfortable part of reading The Fires of Darkness is the feeling that you are peering into the author’s head. It feels almost like a diary, detailing the author’s fantasies (both sexual and non). Thorn is so clearly an author-insert, being the prettiest, the most skilled, and absolutely faultless.

She does many of the things girls on the cusp of adulthood dream of doing: living on her own, having sex, getting full-body tattoos, saving the world. She is the best fighter, the Chosen One, the most just Queen and the grandchild of God. She can be cruel, though, especially to men.

There is a hatred of males running throughout the text: the kingdom is a matriarchy, all the fathers portrayed are abusive, and most of the men try to rape Thorn at one point or another. She takes pride in killing them, and especially enjoys kicking them in their penises, which are always “partially aroused”.

At one point, Thorn and her brother Thomas get into a fight, where she breaks his jaw and kicks him so hard in the groin that his genitalia require stitches. She finds this hilarious and nearly bursts out laughing. Years later, she reminisces about the time she broke his penis and smiles at the memory, although she is thankful she did not render him sterile.

This is compounded by how Thorn’s husband Jason exists solely to please her. He practically worships her, giving her oral sex without ever receiving, doing her every bidding, never questioning her judgment. He becomes a quivering mess every time she is gone -- he is absolutely useless without her. He is the male equivalent of a lusty wench.

The book is extremely personal – several characters are named after people the author knows in real life. Many of the people Thorn brutalizes are named after those the author is not fond of. The personal nature of the book and the proximity I have with the author made this the most uncomfortable read I’ve ever endured.

THE VERDICT:

I’ve read a lot of the worst books on Amazon, and I don’t think any of them hold a candle to The Fires of Darkness. Every part of this novel – the structure, the language, the characters, the meta-text – is inept to the point of absurdity. It is the epitome of “so good it’s bad”. It is simultaneously the best and worst book I’ve ever read.

I laughed, I sighed. I highly recommend it.

Amazon page

I read through this entire passage of yours thinking to myself: 'this can't be real, right?' and then I checked Amazon link. Now that I see that this is in fact real, I'm not sure if I should laugh or be heavily disappointed.

 

[Hall Kervean]

I've had the luck to not have to read many bad books.
I'll discount anything I was forced to read.
(Now I can't find it so I'll describe the storyline as best i can from a fuzzyish memory)
Set up: Germany won after nuking Normandy and, shortly after, Moscow, London, and, a little bit later, D.C. And aside from a few small, non-threatening nations like Switzerland, New Zealand, and Portugal, the world was split in thridsish: Japan got Asia, Italy got Africa, Germany got everything else. Cool premise! So, our main character, a New Zealander named... Ssssteve. Steve. Steve's getting a new job. Long story short, he gets it, and he and his girlfriend celebrate with... mhm. And then they put on VR chat helmets. Basically, you can chat with other people in different settings with tangible objects in hand. You could be around the world and chat in a Roman setting or a post-apocalyptic setting. Your choice. Also cool. So, they catch up to speed on the world for their convenience, and go to a restaurant. They sit down, and a fat German dude attacks them with a knife. Steve ducks and covers under a table. Suddenly, his girlfriend whips out a knife and takes the tourist down... except it's not a tourist anymore, it's a woman. His girlfriend looks at him in surprise and asks him why he's alive. Steve's like "Well, why is there a woman there, not the german tourist?" And then the girlfriend's like ok you win I'm actually a communist spy, and associated with your new boss.
So Steve has a discussion with his new employer, who tells him that the United States of America has disappeared, and no one had heard anything from them in years. So they have to go on a covert mission to get to the United States of Muricaaaa. This is where the storyline may become inaccurate, since I don't remember much. The important thing is, they learn that the person the commie assassin girlfriend had killed was still alive. Our hero Steve also learns that his assassin girlfriend was talking to her mother on the phone when her mother suddenly asked who she was, and after a little bit, it turned out that the commie assassin girlfriend was in a different dimension. Yeet.
So, through a series of unfortunate events, Steve is transported to another dimension and is freaked out that he will never see his normal girlfriend or his commie assassin girlfriend ever again. Somehow (I forgot but I'm sure it's in there) he ends up in mexico with a group of some kind. There, for some reason that I'm pretty sure wasn't explained, are everyone he was having his VR skype call conferences with.
Here's where I think the author got bored of the story and just threw in whatever he wanted to so that it was kind of a story, but it really wasn't anymore.
So, it turns out each one of them is slightly different from the one Steve knew. They stay in a hotel so as to be able to have a conference meeting, and after a bit, they go into the conference room. They receive a call from none other than Steve's new employer. He tells them to set the phone on a table nearby, and look away. After everyone does, he appears in the room. Then he tells everyone that the only ways to shift between dimensions, of which there are countless, is to be (a) on the phone, (b) on the internet, or (c) in the VR skype chat room. They have a discussion, and decide that they need to get into the United States of America to figure out what's wrong there, since the U.S. has disappeared in literally every dimension. So they go there, but on the order, they get shot at and a couple of them get killed, including Steve's girlfriend, who is a non-commie agent spy thingy. After they get across the border, it describes their journeys, and that there was little to no life. At some point, they look at the interstate and wonder what that's about. Anyways, so eventually, they enter a home, and they see two empty VR headset thingies and the skeleton of a baby in a crib and maybe a pet on the floor. One of the gang asks Steve's employer what is going on, since VR is supposed to transport to different dimensions and replace the people there. The dude basically shrugs it off and says "I dunno."
They see it says on the side the "United States Department of the Pursuit of Happiness," so they go to the local office of the Department of the Pursuit of Happiness. While there, they discover that what was going on was that, to keep the people completely happy, they shot between dimensions so quickly that they couldn't replace the peoplez, so they just were lost in the depths of dimensions, still infinitely happy. Conveniently, when it's time to go, Mr. Steve's Employer tells them that the girl that we'd seen multiple times previously was coming to kill them all. Suddenly, everything disappeared and they were all in a cabin in the woods. Mr. Steve's Employer then is like "Mk, maybe there's a little something I'm not telling you..." and then lets them know that everything ever is a giant computer simulation, he and the insane girl are like server admins, but the other server admin went crazy and figured that, in order so that no one can experience pain, she should end their existence so they'll feel no pain. Turns out the cabin was a special place that Steve's Employer created out of all dimensions, even though their bodies were still in that other dimension. Time moved super slow, and an hour or so in the cabin was about a second in the dimension.
So they return and somehow beat the girl and leave. Somehow I picture it like this:

And then happily ever after; everyone who died was alive in another dimension, Steve went to find his girlfriend, who was only wounded in some dimension, and brought her back to the cabin so they could live infinitely longer and they live with Steve's Employer, the dimension hopping girl still dimension hops, everyone else kinda goes back to how they were, etc.

At the end of the book I was just confused.
The title of the book should have been "just go with it"

 

[Hall Kervean]

The worst book I have ever read: The Fires of Darkness [LONG]
written by /u/firesoffarceness, not me

Recently, someone I knew in high school announced that she was publishing a book. I was happy for her, but also a little puzzled because I never really pictured her as a writer, and I know getting published is extremely difficult. Sure enough, when I checked the book’s publisher on Amazon, “CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform” was listed. The book was 366 pages and cost 13 bucks. A tough sell, but once I saw that the Amazon description and blurb on the back of the book contained numerous spelling and grammatical errors, I knew what I had to do.

I’ve now finished the book and I can say for a fact that it is the single worst thing I have ever read. It is a nonsensical medieval fantasy filtered through a bizarre fever dream, written by someone who does not have a solid grasp on the English language or books in general. In a vast sea of crappy self-published novels, The Fires of Darkness is singular in its absurdity, ineptitude, and unintentional comedy. This is the book equivalent of Tommy Wiseau’s The Room.

THE FIRES OF DARKNESS

The book begins promisingly – on page two, in super-tiny font, is the copyright: “Copyright has been filed, paperwork not yet received. Please don’t steal my idea. I worked hard for this.” Things get more interesting on the table of contents, where the third chapter Unity is asterisked. In the footnotes: “*DISCLAIMER: Self-harm is never okay. If you are currently having thoughts or are self-harming, please get help.” I wonder what that chapter could be about.

The last realization I had before the book began was that it was double-spaced. Between this formatting choice, the massive font, and large margins, I can only assume that this is only half the length of a real book.

It starts with a bang: “There are some questions that almost all know the answer to, like: why do we eat? But there are some questions that must never be asked, and there is one question that has so many different answers; that question is ‘How did the universe begin?’” Ponderous, indeed.

The Fires of Darkness follows Thorn Darkenstien, an 18-year-old blacksmith for the Kingdom of Darkness, where it is always night. Thorn is the greatest blacksmith in the entire universe. She also has the ability to control fire, an unexplained phenomena that only she can do. Luckily, she only uses it in the forge and no one treats her differently because of it.

This power is rather tame compared to the ones Thorn acquires later in the book, such as Wolverine-like healing abilities, teleportation, and flight. Thorn is also the greatest combatant in the universe, as well as stunningly attractive, charismatic, and wise. She can create new suns. Also, God is her grandmother.

THE PLOT:

Thorn Darkenstien wakes up on her 18th birthday and begins work at her forge. As she returns home later that day, she walks in on her father beating her mother, so she beats the shit out of him. This leads her to discover that he has gold blood, meaning he is from the Kingdom of Light, the sworn enemy of the Kingdom of Darkness.

She reports this to the queen, who immediately kills her father and tells Thorn she is actually a princess. She was switched at birth with a peasant child to protect her from… something. Anyways, Thorn becomes a princess and joins the army, and also meets the love of her life, Jason.

One night, the Kingdom of Light attacks. In the midst of battle, Thorn spontaneously catches on fire and kills a dozen enemies with each sweep of her sword. She passes out, and meets God, who is her grandmother (her grandmother is never mentioned or seen before or after this event). God says she must unite the three Kingdoms – Light, Dark, and Shadow, or else the entire realm will be destroyed.

Pretty good setup for a trilogy, right? Nope. Thorn is so efficient, she solves this problem within ten pages. That’s right, Thorn unites the three kingdoms, ceasing a war that has lasted for millennia, in ten pages. This is the core problem for the book’s plot: every time a new plot line is introduced, Thorn extinguishes it in ten pages or less, sometimes on the very same page that the conflict is introduced.

Thorn unites the kingdoms, fakes her own death (for vague reasons), starts a new life, lives undercover for four years, and returns to restore the unity of the kingdoms all in under fifty pages. By the end of the book, over twenty years have passed – Thorn has saved the world several times, killed countless people, birthed two children, and exiled herself from a society that worships her (still not sure why). And this is the first book in a trilogy!

The introduction of a new plotline every ten pages makes things very convoluted and confusing. Thorn’s sister Lucy is only mentioned once in passing, but later tries to disrupt the unity of the three kingdoms (for reasons unknown). This is presented as a huge plot twist.

This happens several times, my favorite being a character named Rosa’s betrayal of Thorn. Thorn only meets Rosa once, when Rosa brings her some ingots for smelting. They don’t interact again for four years, until Thorn kills her sister Lucy. Rosa returns and delivers a monologue revealing her allegiance to Lucy. She tries and fails to kill Thorn. This, too, is a huge plot twist, as if the two had some previous relationship.

Eventually it gets absurd. Thorn kills a character named Matthew, who is never mentioned prior to his death, but apparently he needed to die. Thorn’s husband Jason, after years of marriage, finally admits to Thorn that his mother was abusive to him. By the end of the page, Thorn has literally ripped his mother’s head off with her bare hands, for which he thanks her.

Other plotlines are abandoned altogether, such as when Thorn’s brother Thomas (or Tomas, the book never really settles on how his name is spelled) attempts to kill Thorn to claim her throne. She forgives him, but it’s still heavily hinted he plans mutiny. Nothing ever comes of it. At one point, Thorn’s infant daughter visits her from the future, fully grown, to warn that her life is in danger. This is never explained or revisited.

There’s a healthy dose of deus ex machina. My favorite example being when Thorn is abducted by a cultish group of elders who are unhappy with Queenly policies. She is chained up for three months and only fed twice (while she is also pregnant). Her family finds and saves her because, as her husband explains it, her daughter had a “vision type thing”. Those are the words used. The elders are then hinted to make a return, but it’s not clear if they ever do. Thorn’s baby is born without issue.

Overall I’d say the plot of this book is actually its greatest strength, because it is just so damn unpredictable.

THE WRITING:

Beyond Thorn being the ultimate Mary Sue, the writing is childlike. I guess the final publication is a first draft, because the book is riddled with spelling errors, bizarre grammar, and tense changes. The book begins with several pages of the protagonist putting on clothes – we don’t hear her internal monologue, we only read about the process of brushing her hair and putting on boots. Several times throughout the book, we’ll be treated to a page-long description of the floorplan of a house or castle that is never revisited.

Oftentimes, sentences will begin and end with the same words: “I then took the leather strap and I tied back my hair, dropping the comb on the nightstand after tying back my hair.”

This can extend to entire passages: “I broke apart a loaf of bread and started to eat it as I walked to my forge. I walked through the city and towards my forge. I walked on a path that led to my forge; the path also lead to the front doors of the castle. Before I could actually get close to the castle I took a left and I was at my forge.”

Every sentence is just devoid of nuance – they are as matter-of-fact as a textbook. The combat is especially bad: “I punched him with my left hand, then again with my right, then left, then right, I punched him with my right again.”

The writing gets lazier as the book goes on – by the end, I had trouble deciphering the sentences into readable English. The number of spelling errors and the stilted sentence structure turns easy statements into puzzles. Here’s a bit from a letter Thorn receives from the elders: “The other elders of Darkness will find a way to destroy you every lasting sprit.”

Some of it is nigh unreadable: “I walked up to the creature, he was talking about how he had a whore locked in a place, and even though no one will find her. He will boast about her.”

The worldbuilding is pretty inconsistent, too. None of the three kingdoms or their inhabitants are described in any great detail. Thorn lives in a place that is always dark, but she somehow always knows what time it is. The currency doesn’t make any sense – Thorn sells some gauntlets for 140 gold pieces, but later buys an entire house for only 30.

Although the story takes place in what I’m assuming is an analogue for Medieval Europe, everyone speaks like a modern day American. Thorn is the only person with a weird name, everyone else is Jason or Peter or Thomas.

THE WEIRD SHIT:

One of the most bizarre writing decisions is the inclusion of graphic violence and sex scenes. Starting out, the book definitely gives off a YA vibe – a young girl thrust into greatness, wanting a normal life, etc. But halfway in, characters start dropping F-bombs out of nowhere. Their vulgarity doesn’t even hold a candle to the ten (ten!) sex scenes.

Usually, sex scenes reveal plot or character information, but I don’t think the author knew this. Instead, at random points throughout the book, Thorn and her lover just decide to have sex. All of these scenes go on for several pages and never really break the formula. The lovers’ “tongues dance”, they “bite down into each other’s collar bones”, they “move away” and “towards” each other for hours until they both climax. Ten times.

The sex starts off innocent enough, but it grows weirder as they go along. By the third instance, we have some of my favorite lines such as “I winked as he deeply penetrated me”; “I started to laugh as his face. He looked like he was in agonizing pain, but I knew it was quite the opposite really”; “with one final thrust he cause me to climax with an explosion around me. I knew I was on fire at that time.” In the final scenes, Jason is routinely giving Thorn head (which she never reciprocates) and “drinking from her”. I honestly questioned if the book was an erotic novel.

I also must wonder if the author has knowledge of how sex or pregnancy works. Thorn and Jason regularly have sex for “hours and hours”, with Jason never stopping between climaxes. Jason is also a doctor and can determine if Thorn is pregnant simply by looking at her vagina.

The most uncomfortable part of reading The Fires of Darkness is the feeling that you are peering into the author’s head. It feels almost like a diary, detailing the author’s fantasies (both sexual and non). Thorn is so clearly an author-insert, being the prettiest, the most skilled, and absolutely faultless.

She does many of the things girls on the cusp of adulthood dream of doing: living on her own, having sex, getting full-body tattoos, saving the world. She is the best fighter, the Chosen One, the most just Queen and the grandchild of God. She can be cruel, though, especially to men.

There is a hatred of males running throughout the text: the kingdom is a matriarchy, all the fathers portrayed are abusive, and most of the men try to rape Thorn at one point or another. She takes pride in killing them, and especially enjoys kicking them in their penises, which are always “partially aroused”.

At one point, Thorn and her brother Thomas get into a fight, where she breaks his jaw and kicks him so hard in the groin that his genitalia require stitches. She finds this hilarious and nearly bursts out laughing. Years later, she reminisces about the time she broke his penis and smiles at the memory, although she is thankful she did not render him sterile.

This is compounded by how Thorn’s husband Jason exists solely to please her. He practically worships her, giving her oral sex without ever receiving, doing her every bidding, never questioning her judgment. He becomes a quivering mess every time she is gone -- he is absolutely useless without her. He is the male equivalent of a lusty wench.

The book is extremely personal – several characters are named after people the author knows in real life. Many of the people Thorn brutalizes are named after those the author is not fond of. The personal nature of the book and the proximity I have with the author made this the most uncomfortable read I’ve ever endured.

THE VERDICT:

I’ve read a lot of the worst books on Amazon, and I don’t think any of them hold a candle to The Fires of Darkness. Every part of this novel – the structure, the language, the characters, the meta-text – is inept to the point of absurdity. It is the epitome of “so good it’s bad”. It is simultaneously the best and worst book I’ve ever read.

I laughed, I sighed. I highly recommend it.

Amazon page

*raises finger*
I have several questions.
Is Thorn more like Thor or Thorin Oakenshield?
What is the title referring to?
After reading this, did you think about how hard it would be to make a good self-published book, or how easy it would be to make a self published book better than that one?

 

[Abendrot]

*raises finger*
I have several questions.
Is Thorn more like Thor or Thorin Oakenshield?
What is the title referring to?
After reading this, did you think about how hard it would be to make a good self-published book, or how easy it would be to make a self published book better than that one?

1) Thor (she's God's granddaughter ffs)
2) ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
3) imo it seemed like this person was trying to make a conscious effort to make an absolute shit piece of literature. Usually I don't bother with self-published books unless they're written by someone i know, recommended to me by a person with taste (like the person who wrote the review i shamelessly copy-pasted), or if they're actually successful (like The Martian)

 

[Truff]

“I broke apart a loaf of bread and started to eat it as I walked to my forge. I walked through the city and towards my forge. I walked on a path that led to my forge; the path also lead to the front doors of the castle. Before I could actually get close to the castle I took a left and I was at my forge.”

"Do you smell it? That smell. A kind of smelly smell. The smelly smell that smells... smelly."

 

[Saccharine Cyanide]

The worst book I have ever read: The Fires of Darkness [LONG]

The Fires of Dark'ness

*Copyright has been filed, paperwork not yet received. Please don’t steal my idea. I worked hard for this

Hi my name is Thorn Dementia Raven Way Dark'enstien and I have dark colored hair (that’s how I got my name) and icy grey eyes like clouds of a lightning storm and a lot of people tell me I look like God (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I can control fire and I have pale white skin. I’m also a blacksmith, and I live in a magic kingdom called The Kingdom of Darkness where I'm an 18-year-old blacksmith (I’m eighteen). I’m a blacksmith (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing black denim trousers, black leather boots, brown leather undergarments, a dark red shirt with long sleeves, and a black leather vest. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside my forge. I broke apart a loaf of bread and started to eat it as I walked to my forge. I walked through the city and towards my forge. I walked on a path that led to my forge; the path also lead to the front doors of the castle. Before I could actually get close to the castle I took a left and I was at my forge. The Kingdom of Darkness had no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps from the Kindom of Light stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

 

[Grouse]

The worst book I have ever read: The Fires of Darkness [LONG]
written by /u/firesoffarceness, not me

Thanks! I just bought it.

 

[Saccharine Cyanide]

That reminds me of another book I once read that dealt with racism. I can't remember much about it aside from it being a post-apocalyptic (Sorta.) story and the names for people's race (even thought it's just another word for whites, blacks, etc.) were a bit strange.

I think I might actually know what you're talking about, believe it or not. Were white people referred to as "pearls" and black people were "coals?"

 

[Imaginiaria]

I think I might actually know what you're talking about, believe it or not. Were white people referred to as "pearls" and black people were "coals?"

Yes, yes they were.

 

[Saccharine Cyanide]

Imaginiaria

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/12393909-revealing-eden

 

[Imaginiaria]

Imaginiaria

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/12393909-revealing-eden

Ah, now I remember it better. Thank you for the reminder.

 

[Hall Kervean]

The Fires of Dark'ness

*Copyright has been filed, paperwork not yet received. Please don’t steal my idea. I worked hard for this

Hi my name is Thorn Dementia Raven Way Dark'enstien and I have dark colored hair (that’s how I got my name) and icy grey eyes like clouds of a lightning storm and a lot of people tell me I look like God (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I can control fire and I have pale white skin. I’m also a blacksmith, and I live in a magic kingdom called The Kingdom of Darkness where I'm an 18-year-old blacksmith (I’m eighteen). I’m a blacksmith (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing black denim trousers, black leather boots, brown leather undergarments, a dark red shirt with long sleeves, and a black leather vest. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside my forge. I broke apart a loaf of bread and started to eat it as I walked to my forge. I walked through the city and towards my forge. I walked on a path that led to my forge; the path also lead to the front doors of the castle. Before I could actually get close to the castle I took a left and I was at my forge. The Kingdom of Darkness had no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps from the Kindom of Light stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

(this is still probably bad but ima do my best to fix it)
*ahem*
Greetings. My full title given at birth would be Thorn Dementia Raven Way Dark'enstein, but given the fact everyone in the Kingdom of Darkness is given strange names at birth and reverts to more civil names such as "Mary" or "Sue," I decided to continue to be called Thorn to stand out. Strangely enough, people seem to take great delight in poking me with the sharp portions of a rose bush. Anyways, my hair is a deep black, and my eyes icy grey, and for some reason people are fond of telling me I have the look of a deity about me. I, unlike many blacksmiths in the Kingdom of Darkness, have the control of the forge acute enough to appear as though I am controlling the flames themselves. Since the Kingdom of Darkness, unlike the Kingdom of Light, is bathed in eternal darkness, I have pale skin. If you could not tell already by the heavy-handed hints, I am, in act, a blacksmith by trade. As an eighteen year old, I must become accustomed to the changes in clothing. Gone are the skirt and blouse that I wear away from the forge (safety necessitates men's wear). I am now a woman, and being a woman, I get to choose. That freedom is hard to get used to in so short a time, and to stay in relatively familiar territory, I decided to wear all black. Black trousers, black leather boots, black undergarments, a black shirt with long sleeves, and a black leather vest. I am deeply gladdened for multiple reasons that I live in total darkness, but one of them is the fact that I would be broiled alive in the Kingdom of Light in these clothes.
My tale begins as I was walking outside my forge, taking in the morning air and beginning to eat my breakfast. As it was my birthday, I was able to choose any meal I wanted. The sugary sweet I wanted was right next to the loaf I was eating now, and given that it was morning, well... my finger missed. Anyways, I was able to see the castle from the path I was on. I was lucky enough to be from an important blacksmith family, so we were closer to the castle than the others. I could have taken a left at the intersection and gone to the castle. I'd been there enough times that it didn't interest me, and seeing as I didn't have any business to attend to there, I took the right to my forge. Just in front were a few beggars. I was about to reach into my pocket to give them a bit of loose change when I realized that they were refugees from the Kingdom of Light. Even though they had realized that the darkness was and always would be superior to the light, their skin had touched the sun, and that was an automatic disgrace. My anger flared as I shooed them away.
Probably pretty bad but hopefully better.

 

[Hall Kervean]

If I'm gonna be honest, I would totally read that book, but 1 sex scene is too many for me. I'm still an impressionable young mind