crumbelivable
formerly pokemariofan64
Going into March, it seemed like things were finally looking up after a drab and depressing first two months of the year. A YT channel I had missed since January finally returned (Siivagunner, in case you're curious), I was doing good on my grades again, I was gonna go for a nice trip to Cali over Easter, and I was finally starting to whip my online routines into shape. It seemed like, from here on out, things could only improve. So why the fuck did I decide last night that none of that sounded like a good idea, and that life as an omnicidal misanthrope was preferable?
Alright, let me explain a little. So, I had a good bit of rage and stress building over the past weekend, but generally I figured it was nothing I couldn't control. I think a big reason for it was the fact that I had recently changed my mobile routines to include watching several hours of content I didn't have a big interest in. Anywho, this all culminated last night, all starting when, around 9, my mom suggested I go up to bed. After asking for another half-hour up, I went up, took a shower, then decided to head downstairs. I wanted to look up some stuff on my phone that I though could help me rationalize some angry stuff I had read earlier on in the day. In my attempts to do that, I stumbled into the misanthropy subreddit and things sorta escalated from there. All these posts about how humanity was a cancer, everyone around me was a sociopath, how the only way to repent was to sabotage society any way you could, they really got to me in the desperate mental state I was in.
Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore and, half out of rage and half out of trying to distance myself from the content, I threw my phone across the room into the wall, nearly smashing into a very sentimentally important painting. About this time my dad came in and I made a very feeble attempt to attack him. It was about then that I regained full control of my head and broke down in tears. I had some talking about what had happened with my parents, and went to bed sobbing. I've decided to swear off the phone for a week, so that means my routines will fall behind and I won't be on here much for a while.
My only question is, WHY? Why can't I just be happy an not need to constantly indulge in angry content for ever decreasing returns and dire consequences? Why do I consistently make my life a living hell for everyone around, me all my friends, relatives, close family? Why do I always say 'alright, this time is the very last time this will happen, I'm done with consuming this content', only to inevitably return to it withing a few months? WHY, I say, WHY?????
See, shit like this is why I never want to have kids. I wouldn't wish something like autism on my worst enemy.
Alright, let me explain a little. So, I had a good bit of rage and stress building over the past weekend, but generally I figured it was nothing I couldn't control. I think a big reason for it was the fact that I had recently changed my mobile routines to include watching several hours of content I didn't have a big interest in. Anywho, this all culminated last night, all starting when, around 9, my mom suggested I go up to bed. After asking for another half-hour up, I went up, took a shower, then decided to head downstairs. I wanted to look up some stuff on my phone that I though could help me rationalize some angry stuff I had read earlier on in the day. In my attempts to do that, I stumbled into the misanthropy subreddit and things sorta escalated from there. All these posts about how humanity was a cancer, everyone around me was a sociopath, how the only way to repent was to sabotage society any way you could, they really got to me in the desperate mental state I was in.
Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore and, half out of rage and half out of trying to distance myself from the content, I threw my phone across the room into the wall, nearly smashing into a very sentimentally important painting. About this time my dad came in and I made a very feeble attempt to attack him. It was about then that I regained full control of my head and broke down in tears. I had some talking about what had happened with my parents, and went to bed sobbing. I've decided to swear off the phone for a week, so that means my routines will fall behind and I won't be on here much for a while.
My only question is, WHY? Why can't I just be happy an not need to constantly indulge in angry content for ever decreasing returns and dire consequences? Why do I consistently make my life a living hell for everyone around, me all my friends, relatives, close family? Why do I always say 'alright, this time is the very last time this will happen, I'm done with consuming this content', only to inevitably return to it withing a few months? WHY, I say, WHY?????
See, shit like this is why I never want to have kids. I wouldn't wish something like autism on my worst enemy.