Journal Why do I hate having nice things?

[crumbelivable]

Going into March, it seemed like things were finally looking up after a drab and depressing first two months of the year. A YT channel I had missed since January finally returned (Siivagunner, in case you're curious), I was doing good on my grades again, I was gonna go for a nice trip to Cali over Easter, and I was finally starting to whip my online routines into shape. It seemed like, from here on out, things could only improve. So why the fuck did I decide last night that none of that sounded like a good idea, and that life as an omnicidal misanthrope was preferable?

Alright, let me explain a little. So, I had a good bit of rage and stress building over the past weekend, but generally I figured it was nothing I couldn't control. I think a big reason for it was the fact that I had recently changed my mobile routines to include watching several hours of content I didn't have a big interest in. Anywho, this all culminated last night, all starting when, around 9, my mom suggested I go up to bed. After asking for another half-hour up, I went up, took a shower, then decided to head downstairs. I wanted to look up some stuff on my phone that I though could help me rationalize some angry stuff I had read earlier on in the day. In my attempts to do that, I stumbled into the misanthropy subreddit and things sorta escalated from there. All these posts about how humanity was a cancer, everyone around me was a sociopath, how the only way to repent was to sabotage society any way you could, they really got to me in the desperate mental state I was in.

Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore and, half out of rage and half out of trying to distance myself from the content, I threw my phone across the room into the wall, nearly smashing into a very sentimentally important painting. About this time my dad came in and I made a very feeble attempt to attack him. It was about then that I regained full control of my head and broke down in tears. I had some talking about what had happened with my parents, and went to bed sobbing. I've decided to swear off the phone for a week, so that means my routines will fall behind and I won't be on here much for a while.

My only question is, WHY? Why can't I just be happy an not need to constantly indulge in angry content for ever decreasing returns and dire consequences? Why do I consistently make my life a living hell for everyone around, me all my friends, relatives, close family? Why do I always say 'alright, this time is the very last time this will happen, I'm done with consuming this content', only to inevitably return to it withing a few months? WHY, I say, WHY?????

See, shit like this is why I never want to have kids. I wouldn't wish something like autism on my worst enemy.

 

[ghosthouse]

When I struggled with my depression at its worse points I also had a tendency for self-sabotage. I'd tell myself I was better off alone and would look for negative feedback on the internet like yourself. Why do we do this? Depression and dissatisfaction makes us restless. I think part of us wants the validation that working against the adversary is hopeless or pointless, because then we're protecting ourselves against further hurt (especially the kind you get from other people). The validation we get through misanthropy also allows us to act out and put our energy towards something, which feels good. Rejecting nice things is part of that. We don't feel like we deserve those things, so our minds will find a way to reject it even if it hurts us.

Humans aren't the best, but "the world isn't as cruel as you take it to be" (Durarara). This quote is very true... flaws are blinding and there's no shortage of assholes. Seeing beyond a persons outer image is an important skill to learn. Even the shitty people in this world are trying to survive, sometimes they can't help but be unfortunate.

I think it'd benefit you to put your energy towards something, to me it sounds like your mental state is restless and needs something to engage with. You're also at the point where you have a low opinion of people (I relate) so isolating yourself is a natural course you might lean towards. I don't know you very well but maybe there's something you can do to better yourself and entertain your mind without going towards negative sources. I'm trying to remember what I did...honestly... self-improvement, fighting your own depression and mental woes, is a difficult and long process. It takes years, but the progress you can make (that you are definitely capable of, that power is within yourself) would surprise you.

Maybe there's a hobby you're interested in that you haven't dove into, or a subject that you'd like to learn more about? For me Dungeons and Dragons helped a lot, and K-Pop & J-Pop since it's so hyperactive and positive. Fiction with an overt positive message helped my head space, and learning new things on my own gave me confidence and something to put my energy into. I recommend you avoid going to that reddit board and similar places at all costs, even if it's tempting. Indulging in it may feel validating and good in the moment, but negativity like that will only lead to more negativity within yourself.

Anyways. Best wishes to you. I know how awful depression and dark head spaces can get... I hope you feel better in the coming days.

 

[crumbelivable]

Yeah, I have noticed myself not doing much that I want, besides school, of course. I'm going to try and fill the week by working on some projects I haven't had time to work on for a while. That should help out against feeling down.

Of course, I've also found another way of dealing with my negative emotions: Mocking the shit out of them.

 

[entropic]

I don't blame you for finding it hard to quit looking at content that upsets you. Internet addiction is a real thing.

From what you wrote, I'm assuming that you're taking a passive approach to moderating your internet use, relying on discipline. However, for the vast majority of people, internet use is too hard to control passively.
Perhaps you could take active steps to limit your exposure to angry or otherwise harmful content on the internet. By this, I mean using software that forces you to control how much time you spend browsing certain websites.
Have a look at NoSurf for some ideas:
NoSurf - Stop Spending Life On The Net
There's a section for software that you can use on your phone too.

I'm a grown-ass man and I've literally bought software that controls how much time I spend on the internet. I can't even begin to list the ways it's improved my life.

 

[ghosthouse]

I'm glad to hear you're going to be working on some of your own projects, that sort of thing usually makes me feel better too.
Mocking can surprisingly work, but don't feel too bad about your own emotions. Actually, according to all the therapists I've seen, you're doing something pretty good by recognizing the negative emotions when they're happening and change your course (even if it is mocking - please don't feel too bad about feeling bad..,,if that makes sense lmao).

As for "control your internet use" software, I've heard good things about them. I should probably download one to manage my twitter use..
actually...i'll just pretend i didn't read anything.