Other What should I do?

[Walliver]

Okay, I am seeking advice, but it is not for anything serious or anything that would require a professional. Honestly it would probably just require some amount of self-reflection and maybe a bit of confidence, but I should probably ask for help anyway.

I have this friend- two different friends actually- that, whenever I think of them, I can only remember the times that they have been mean to me or have said/done things that have unintentionally hurt my feelings or crossed my boundaries. I have constantly meant to address these instances, but each time I do, I feel like I come off as a jerk.

For example, one of my friends has a habit of picking up stuff off my desk without asking because they think it is cool. When I asked them to stop, because it really bothers me when people touch my stuff without asking, they became really closed off and sort of stopped talking to me for that day.

Another example was the other friend talking about my work, getting really frustrated that they weren’t doing as well as I was. They said that I “don’t have to work hard to do well” and implied it was more impressive for them to get a good grade than it was for me or their other “smart” friends. This was really hurtful to me, since I do work hard, study, and try my best.

Other things like this have happened with my friends, but it seems to be a more common occurrence with these two friends specifically. So the question is:

How do I address these problems now (since these happened in the past) without making myself out to be a jerk or a self-proclaimed victim?

The last thing I want to do is ruin any friendships, but I also don’t want to let people say/do rude things and get away with it.

So, uh, yeah. Any and all help that any of you could offer would be appreciated. Thanks.

 

[Sorin]

I have one question going into this: Why exactly are these people your friends?

If you only have memories of how hurtful they've been to you, then that doesn't seem like a friendship worth keeping. Setting boundaries doesn't make you a jerk or self-proclaimed victim either. I think we live in a world where everyone is expected to be a super good person who is always benevolent and forgiving, but that's just not true. You're allowed to say that these things are hurtful, you're allowed to set boundaries for others, and you're allowed to not be friends with these people if they offer more heartbreak than help. My advice is to talk to them about this first, to see what they say or how they react, but if that doesn't work out, then I think you should self-reflect on whether they're really worth keeping around as friends or not. Remember this is your life and you deserve much better than friends who are hurtful to you, intentionally or not.

Hope this was helpful!

 

[FaddedFox]

I'd agree with Sorin. It is hard sometimes to set boundaries, especially ones that have been crossed before. But your feelings also matter and if these are things that are hurting you, you have every right to set them. Talk to them and let them know what is bothering you and how you feel about it. You don't need to say things like 'you are making me feel this way', because then that just makes them defensive and 'you are against me'. But you can say things like 'this behavior is making me feel this way'. That way it is the behavior, not the person.

If in the end they are not willing to have that conversation, or try to turn it around on you or ignore those new boundaries you set, then self-reflection as to why you want them as friends and if they really are friends at all, like Sorin said. It is not okay for someone to steam roll your feelings and try to take advantage of you, intentional or not. It would speak volumes if they acknowledged what you said and changed the behavior.

I hope that helps as well.

 

[Walliver]

I have one question going into this: Why exactly are these people your friends?

If you only have memories of how hurtful they've been to you, then that doesn't seem like a friendship worth keeping. Setting boundaries doesn't make you a jerk or self-proclaimed victim either. I think we live in a world where everyone is expected to be a super good person who is always benevolent and forgiving, but that's just not true. You're allowed to say that these things are hurtful, you're allowed to set boundaries for others, and you're allowed to not be friends with these people if they offer more heartbreak than help. My advice is to talk to them about this first, to see what they say or how they react, but if that doesn't work out, then I think you should self-reflect on whether they're really worth keeping around as friends or not. Remember this is your life and you deserve much better than friends who are hurtful to you, intentionally or not.

Hope this was helpful!

Now that I think about it, I was kind of only friends with them because they were in the same classes as me. I mean, sure, we found other stuff to talk about, and being in the same class is really the only way that I make friends, but I think maybe we wouldn’t have been friends if we didn’t sit near each other.

But thanks for the advice, I will keep it in mind

 

[Sorin]

Now that I think about it, I was kind of only friends with them because they were in the same classes as me. I mean, sure, we found other stuff to talk about, and being in the same class is really the only way that I make friends, but I think maybe we wouldn’t have been friends if we didn’t sit near each other.

But thanks for the advice, I will keep it in mind

I'm not sure what your education circumstances are like, but is it possible to find folks more align with your own interests? Like through a club or organization. I know what it's like to be lonely in a classroom setting, but then in high school, I made the decision to push myself. I like research, so I joined the Debate Team and I really ended up surprising myself. Maybe you can do the same and find more friends along the way!

 

[Alisutte]

Meh the people described don't exactly seem friendly