Other What LGTBQ-Related question pisses you off?

[FloofWhispers]

Curious to see what people say here.

 

[Cosmo]

Not really sure what would count? Like.. I feel questions are important, dialogues are important, its how people learn and the way to defeat discrimination is through dialogues, communication and education. Its why I love Daryl Davis and the work he has done with KKK members.

The intent of the question would seem to be the issue more then the question itself. If someone is asking you something just to be a jerk, or just to annoy you, or just to harm you, then yea, that is a problem. But if someone is unaware of it and is asking because they want to know then... that is a good thing and should be encouraged even if answering a question for the hundredth time is annoying.

So, for me at least, and I am heterosexual but I've seen such questions asked, had some I wanted to ask, etc, but like with all things, the intent of the question is really, to me at least, what is going to piss someone off.

 

[Jannah]

As an asexual I get the "do you masturbate?" question a lot. That one annoys me since I know for a fact these same people would not be asking such personal questions to heteros.

 

[nerdy tangents]

I dunno if it’s a question so much as just kinda an assumption

1. That aro/ace is a phase that you’ll get over as soon as you find “ the one “
2. Those on the ace/aro spectrum can’t feel affection or love at all.

 

[VXNTAS]

I dunno if it’s a question so much as just kinda an assumption

1. That aro/ace is a phase that you’ll get over as soon as you find “ the one “
2. Those on the ace/aro spectrum can’t feel affection or love at all.

Ohh!! I feel this one so bad it hurts.

 

[Cosmo]

As an asexual I get the "do you masturbate?" question a lot. That one annoys me since I know for a fact these same people would not be asking such personal questions to heteros.

I don't think they'd ask that about someone that was homosexual, bi-sexual, etc either. I think its more about the asexual part then not being heterosexual. Like if someone is asexual, is it just a lack interest in sexual activity, just not sexually attracted to others, etc? That is the facet, I feel, makes that question come up and has nothing to do with them being, or not being, heterosexual.

Granted, no idea why someone would be interested in knowing if/how often someone jacks it, but I can see from the angle they are coming from.

 

[Bixi]

Probably any of the loaded questions. When I have a boyfriend, people ask if I'm finally straight, and when I have a girlfriend, people are suddenly very interested in what we might do in private. Sigh... >_<

 

[Kaya]

"How do you know you're pan? Have you tried having sex with [insert random gender]?"
Sigh... I mostly just reply "How do you know you're straight? Have you tried having sex with [insert random gender]?"
Best answer I ever got?
"Yeah no but being straight is normal."

Yeah and I'm a pink-yellow and blue striped unicorn or what? But it's fine, I learned to just smile and internally laugh about it. X'3

 

[Nihilum]

"So which one of you is the man and which one is the wife?? Who's the more masculine one?"

Bitch, not every single relationship needs to follow the heterosexual dynamic. Believe it or not, you can have two women in a relationship without one of them being completely and utterly butch while the other is a petite little femme. That's not how relationships work. There's nothing quite as offensive as straight people being baffled by the fact that gay people don't hook up specifically in the pairings of "masculine and feminine!" I swear, they even harass gay dudes over this.

"Do you wanna be our third?? I know you're on a lesbian dating site and you're looking for women but my boyfriend REALLY thinks having two women together is HAWT!"

Yes, Karen. I am going to suddenly change the sexuality I've had my entire life just so Jimmy can tap in to his sexist fetish of gay women. It's not like I'm physically repulsed by men or anything, and that's why I specifically say I'm only interested in feminine-identifying genders. I'm obviously going to make an exception for you two. Really, I have no problem being viewed as nothing more than a sex object and having my preferences overlooked in favor of fetishization!

"You won't be weird and hit on me because I'm a girl right??"

I have standards, so no.

"WHY ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE A GUY?? You could be so cute if you just dressed more feminine and men would like you so much more!!"

Fuck yo gender expectations. You can rip my basketball shorts, sliders, and compression bras from my cold, dead hands. Tapping in to the more gender neutral side of clothing has been one of the biggest reductions in insecurity I've had in my life. The fact that men don't bother me nearly as much anymore is just a great bonus. The more aggressively butch energy I radiate, the better.

 

[Unknown mask]

When people ask me "Why do you blush when looking at a girl?" I have gotten this question twice, also they thought it was normal with boys but they ask me this when it happens with girls. Is it really that bad when you like both genders and see a cute girl!

 

[FloofWhispers]

"So which one of you is the man and which one is the wife?? Who's the more masculine one?"

Bitch, not every single relationship needs to follow the heterosexual dynamic. Believe it or not, you can have two women in a relationship without one of them being completely and utterly butch while the other is a petite little femme. That's not how relationships work. There's nothing quite as offensive as straight people being baffled by the fact that gay people don't hook up specifically in the pairings of "masculine and feminine!" I swear, they even harass gay dudes over this.

"Do you wanna be our third?? I know you're on a lesbian dating site and you're looking for women but my boyfriend REALLY thinks having two women together is HAWT!"

Yes, Karen. I am going to suddenly change the sexuality I've had my entire life just so Jimmy can tap in to his sexist fetish of gay women. It's not like I'm physically repulsed by men or anything, and that's why I specifically say I'm only interested in feminine-identifying genders. I'm obviously going to make an exception for you two. Really, I have no problem being viewed as nothing more than a sex object and having my preferences overlooked in favor of fetishization!

"You won't be weird and hit on me because I'm a girl right??"

I have standards, so no.

"WHY ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE A GUY?? You could be so cute if you just dressed more feminine and men would like you so much more!!"

Fuck yo gender expectations. You can rip my basketball shorts, sliders, and compression bras from my cold, dead hands. Tapping in to the more gender neutral side of clothing has been one of the biggest reductions in insecurity I've had in my life. The fact that men don't bother me nearly as much anymore is just a great bonus. The more aggressively butch energy I radiate, the better.

As a guy man, I must say

YAS BITCH PREACH

 

[nerdy tangents]

I don't think they'd ask that about someone that was homosexual, bi-sexual, etc either. I think its more about the asexual part then not being heterosexual. Like if someone is asexual, is it just a lack interest in sexual activity, just not sexually attracted to others, etc? That is the facet, I feel, makes that question come up and has nothing to do with them being, or not being, heterosexual.

Granted, no idea why someone would be interested in knowing if/how often someone jacks it, but I can see from the angle they are coming from.

I think it’s the way they ask the question that is rude. It’s like coming up to someone with darker skin and asking “what are you?”

The people asking the question might be genuine and not intend to come across as rude.

But the fact remains random strangers aren’t required to answer invasive questions to satisfying your nosiness.

A better way to ask the aro/ace question is “Oh I have never heard of that what does it mean exactly?”

Your effectively still asking the same question (what makes aro/ace different from heterosexual) but your doing so in a way that doesn’t require random strangers to answer invasive questions about their personal business.

Because you don’t ask anyone else if they masterbate so it’s not okay to ask an asexual person just because you don’t understand their sexual orientation.

(also you don’t ask white people “what are you” so don’t ask non-white people the same question)

 

[Cosmo]

I think it’s the way they ask the question that is rude. It’s like coming up to someone with darker skin and asking “what are you?”

The people asking the question might be genuine and not intend to come across as rude.

But the fact remains random strangers aren’t required to answer invasive questions to satisfying your nosiness.

A better way to ask the aro/ace question is “Oh I have never heard of that what does it mean exactly?”

Your effectively still asking the same question (what makes aro/ace different from heterosexual) but your doing so in a way that doesn’t require random strangers to answer invasive questions about their personal business.

Because you don’t ask anyone else if they masterbate so it’s not okay to ask an asexual person just because you don’t understand their sexual orientation.

(also you don’t ask white people “what are you” so don’t ask non-white people the same question)

Saying people should ask it in a... less insulting way doesn't really change what I said. I do agree that people could be a bit... less of a dick about how they ask things, but that is more of an 'all around' thing.

White people 100% get asked 'what are you' just usually in a nicer way. People are way too obsessed with knowing 'what kind' of white they are. Are they German, French, Polish, whatever. Cause its hard to just look at a random white person and know exactly from which European nation they pull the majority of their genes from. None of it should matter, but people gonna dumb. I was, literally, asked this just last week by an older lady who wanted to ensure I wasn't Polish because after finding out I wasn't, she spent ten minutes telling me about how its a good thing I wasn't [I have two half-siblings who are polish so I wasn't very amused].

 

[Jannah]

Saying people should ask it in a... less insulting way doesn't really change what I said. I do agree that people could be a bit... less of a dick about how they ask things, but that is more of an 'all around' thing.

White people 100% get asked 'what are you' just usually in a nicer way. People are way too obsessed with knowing 'what kind' of white they are. Are they German, French, Polish, whatever. Cause its hard to just look at a random white person and know exactly from which European nation they pull the majority of their genes from. None of it should matter, but people gonna dumb. I was, literally, asked this just last week by an older lady who wanted to ensure I wasn't Polish because after finding out I wasn't, she spent ten minutes telling me about how its a good thing I wasn't [I have two half-siblings who are polish so I wasn't very amused].

I'm white, but don't have the stereotypically white appearance. So much so to the point that people assume I'm either Levantine Arab, Turkish, Jewish, or even Iranian. When I say I'm none of those I absolutely do get asked "what are you?"

 

[fairyfawn]

So here are some questions that annoy me:

"If you're asexual, then why do you have a boyfriend?"

Asexual does not immediately equal aromantic. I am biromantic asexual so yes I can have a boyfriend thank you, I have romantic feelings towards other people but only romantic attraction.

"Isn't they/them only used for multiple people?"

No. It's singular and plural so I can use they/them if I'm feeling neither male or female that day. For example: Someone left their bookbag in the chair. See? It can be used to refer to a singular person.

"If you're using she/her right now then why are you dressed like a boy?"

Excuse me? Does t-shirt and jeans automatically mean I'm dressing up like a boy? Go somewhere else with your gender expectations, if I wanna wear t-shirt and jeans then I will happily do so.

 

[FloofWhispers]

So here are some questions that annoy me:

"If you're asexual, then why do you have a boyfriend?"

Asexual does not immediately equal aromantic. I am biromantic asexual so yes I can have a boyfriend thank you, I have romantic feelings towards other people but only romantic attraction.

"Isn't they/them only used for multiple people?"

No. It's singular and plural so I can use they/them if I'm feeling neither male or female that day. For example: Someone left their bookbag in the chair. See? It can be used to refer to a singular person.

"If you're using she/her right now then why are you dressed like a boy?"

Excuse me? Does t-shirt and jeans automatically mean I'm dressing up like a boy? Go somewhere else with your gender expectations, if I wanna wear t-shirt and jeans then I will happily do so.

Yeah, plus, it's stupid to assume an asexual can't be in love. Plus, clothes are clothes. Wear whatever you want.

 

[nerdy tangents]

Saying people should ask it in a... less insulting way doesn't really change what I said. I do agree that people could be a bit... less of a dick about how they ask things, but that is more of an 'all around' thing.

White people 100% get asked 'what are you' just usually in a nicer way. People are way too obsessed with knowing 'what kind' of white they are. Are they German, French, Polish, whatever. Cause its hard to just look at a random white person and know exactly from which European nation they pull the majority of their genes from. None of it should matter, but people gonna dumb. I was, literally, asked this just last week by an older lady who wanted to ensure I wasn't Polish because after finding out I wasn't, she spent ten minutes telling me about how its a good thing I wasn't [I have two half-siblings who are polish so I wasn't very amused].

That is my point. You don’t get asked “what are you?” in a nice way if your brown or brown adjacent.

If only because “what” has a very different connotation to people who are used to being dehumanized. It makes it sound like we are something other than human.

Now maybe being a particular shade of white is also dehumanizing, I wouldn’t know.

But the point is if you are dealing with a group of people that are already marginalized maybe don’t also make assumptions on what is owed to you in terms of details about their personal life.

No one owes you details about their sexuality but people who can be marginalized specifically because of their sexuality defiantly don’t owe you details.

Same with skin color. No one owes you their genealogy profile, but especially not people for whom their ethnicity is a reason to discriminate against them.

 

[Abendrot]

So, yeah, the common denominator for most of these answers is that some cis/het people are still asking queer people invasive, private questions about their genitals, sex life, ("are you a top or a bottom?"), etc. You wouldn't ask a random straight person these questions about their bedroom habits and then get upset when they don't feel comfortable with it.

 

[Sylvio]

When I came out as bi in high school I had some male classmates ask me to rate them based on attraction. It honestly made me uncomfortable cause what would my input do? They were all straight anyway

I was asked to hook up with any queer male friend someone had because I was into guys so to them it made sense

And when my gf and I broke up a friend of mine told me I'd be happier if I had a boyfriend

So, yeah, the common denominator for most of these answers is that some cis/het people are still asking queer people invasive, private questions about their genitals, sex life, ("are you a top or a bottom?"), etc. You wouldn't ask a random straight person these questions about their bedroom habits and then get upset when they don't feel comfortable with it.

This brings me to the oversexualizaton of femboys by basically anyone who's into femboys. Like please don't fetishize people who are just trying to express themselves and don't put any sort of expectation on them to satisfy you

 

[Cosmo]

That is my point. You don’t get asked “what are you?” in a nice way if your brown or brown adjacent.

If only because “what” has a very different connotation to people who are used to being dehumanized. It makes it sound like we are something other than human.

Now maybe being a particular shade of white is also dehumanizing, I wouldn’t know.

But the point is if you are dealing with a group of people that are already marginalized maybe don’t also make assumptions on what is owed to you in terms of details about their personal life.

No one owes you details about their sexuality but people who can be marginalized specifically because of their sexuality defiantly don’t owe you details.

Same with skin color. No one owes you their genealogy profile, but especially not people for whom their ethnicity is a reason to discriminate against them.

Depends on what you mean. My girlfriend, who is not white, was asked 'what are you' in a way pretty similar to how I get asked. Usually happens in two ways, they say what they are [as if that matters] and then ask what you are or they play the race guessing game and if you don't finally just tell them, they just say 'what are you?' I can only ever speak of my own personal experience, and I am not as bothered by these questions because I am used to it and I have an extremely thick skin so tend to brush it all off as nonsense, while it bothered her a lot [and so bothered me by proxy].

Its always dehumanizing. No matter what color you are. That is the point. They are rendering you down to nothing more then a specific group of people, removing the individuality and making you something less then you are. That doesn't change.

Particular shade of... Listen, maybe... just maybe.. before you make blanket statements about a group of people, say white people, just spend a few minutes on google because as good as 'you wouldn't ask a white person' sounded in your head, out loud, its just ignorance. If you didn't mean to be insulting by that and are truly curious, and I will not pretend to be an expert, as far as the United States goes, there has always been certain 'whites' that aren't the 'right white'. The United States has also, sadly, inherited the habits of western europeans in looking down on eastern europeans. Being the 'same shade' doesn't matter and never has. Because when it comes to racism, logic is not something that is required or desired.

I am curious as to where this 'no one owes you' stuff came up. Are you talking to me or a stuffed animal you created to look like me? I never once claimed anyone had to answer any question that someone ran up and threw at them. Ever. Full stop. I always, and I repeat this, always support personal liberty. I support someone running up and asking questions just as much as I support someone telling that person to bugger off in the meanest way they can. What I did say was I encouraged dialogue, I encouraged questions, specifically, from people that want to understand because understanding and knowledge is how discrimination gets fought [Not with people throwing out random slogans and platitudes, but actual dialogues and conversations]. You then said 'People should ask but ask respectifully' which doesn't really affect, at all, what I said although I do agree. However, 'Don't be a dick' is more of a general, life, rule that everyone should follow and not something I feel I should have had to mention in that situation. Now its 'no one owes you an answer' which is not something I ever said... so are you still talking with me or are you now talking at me?

 

[nerdy tangents]

Cosmo sorry I guess I get defensive because I live in the land of “well meaning” racists who will swear up down and side ways they aren’t meaning to be “offensive” while completing blowing passes other peoples boundaries.

And in my experience there is actually a very different way they approach someone who is white and someone is non-white. Someone who is straight and someone who is LGBTQ.

So just a blanket “well it’s rude if anyone does it.” is frustrating because it takes away from the very specific kind of dehumanization that happens when people are casually racist or homophobic.

The frustration of being talked down to in a “polite” enough way that you get called over sensitive or argumentative when you try to bring up how wrong it is.

Because well if they ask the question to everyone then it shouldn’t piss you off in particular should it?

If they’re just casually rude to everyone you don’t get to make a big stink over it because that’s just the way they are.

Now I understand that it probably wasn’t your intention to bring that up. So I apologies if I got over defensive. It is just I have had one to many people try to shove “everyone does it so you can’t get mad” down my throat.

 

[Cosmo]

Cosmo sorry I guess I get defensive because I live in the land of “well meaning” racists who will swear up down and side ways they aren’t meaning to be “offensive” while completing blowing passes other peoples boundaries.

And in my experience there is actually a very different way they approach someone who is white and someone is non-white. Someone who is straight and someone who is LGBTQ.

So just a blanket “well it’s rude if anyone does it.” is frustrating because it takes away from the very specific kind of dehumanization that happens when people are casually racist or homophobic.

The frustration of being talked down to in a “polite” enough way that you get called over sensitive or argumentative when you try to bring up how wrong it is.

Because well if they ask the question to everyone then it shouldn’t piss you off in particular should it?

If they’re just casually rude to everyone you don’t get to make a big stink over it because that’s just the way they are.

Now I understand that it probably wasn’t your intention to bring that up. So I apologies if I got over defensive. It is just I have had one to many people try to shove “everyone does it so you can’t get mad” down my throat.

I've grown up around well meaning racist, my grandmother is the perfect example of a 'well meaning racist' who says some of the most horrendous shit I've ever heard all while believing she is not racist.

My issue with what you said was when I said, I get asked that too as if they are asking for my pedigree like some kind of horse and prefer seeming me for the stereotype of what I am supposed to be based on my ethnicity rather then as an individual is bad is the first two things that you said in return:

1. Its different cause your white, therefor, it cannot possibly contain negative things in it or racist undertones because that doesn't happen to white people
2. Must be a skin tone thing where you are just dark enough to be mistaken for a PoC because that'd never happen if you were 'truly white' because, clearly, racism is scientifically proven to only appear for people that hit the melanin density line.

You may not have meant those two things, but that is how your post came off. You didn't ask what I meant. You didn't say you didn't know that and wanted further details. Instantly. Had to be either wrong because white or because mistaken as a PoC. The problem should be pretty obvious with why I'd find that incredibly offensive.

Mind I never said or intended to imply 'it happens to everyone, why get mad?'. I never condoned it, hell, when I said when it last happened to me, just last week, it was by an older woman who then proceeded to insult the heritage of my siblings because of their race. I really don't feel I was ever pushing the message of 'why get mad, everyone does it'.

EDIT: Want to make one thing clear to avoid any confusions, strawman or anything akin: I am not, in any way, advocating 'white oppression' or that nonsense that gets floated around here and there by pretty awful people. Racism against white people happens. Full stop. It does. In my personal opinion? I don't think its important. Its not. Especially when compared to the far, hideously so, more systemic, ingrained racism facing minorities that needs to be resolved.

 

[nerdy tangents]

Cosmo fair enough I think it’s actually just down to different lived experiences. Where I live is pretty uniformly white and interconnected.

I am talking three generations of the immediate family living in the same house, with the cousins living down the street. So there isn’t any prejudice among the white folks cuz their virtually all related in some way. If not directly then at least within the last four generations.

The ones that aren’t related have been neighbors for those same four generations.

So anyone who is non-white (and growing up I could count all of us two hands with fingers left over) definitely gets alienated.

Just because we very obviously stand out not just for the color of our skin but for the fact that our “people” aren’t “from around here”.

It was such a relief the one year I went to life with my dad and there were three people (!) in one class that had my same last name. At least one of which was actually a distant cousin of some sort (true at the third level at best).

I finally had a people and it was honestly mind blowing to me.

(Same feeling I got when I finally realized that aro/ace was a real thing and there were other people who felt the same way. Seriously so excited to not be the lone weirdo any more)

I think sometimes I forget that other peoples isolation was different to my own. I am trying to do better about that though so thanks for having the patience to beat me over my thick head. I do apologies about misinterpreting your words and getting on your case.

 

[Junko Natsumizaka]

"You'd look so much prettier of you grew your hair out! Why don't you? You'd look more feminine, too! (With the implication that I'd get more dates)." ~ My parents.

I am an asexual, very romantic, and I prefer guys. Sex repulses me due to an incident I don't wish to share, which is another thing my parents say will turn guys off...Sorry, so the world only has horndogs now?

In addition, being told that my short hair will only attract girls, or that it makes me less pretty so it will NEVER attract guys, is quite annoying. My parents just started telling people that I was their older son so they could stop explaining to people that I was a girl that would look so much prettier with long hair (I have a brother who's very masculine, with the stereotypical chad pride...he likes to think of himself as Jotaro Joestar...).

STOP telling me to grow my hair out and wear more dresses and skirts. Although I'm flat chested, my voice sounds freaking feminine...and I still wear feminine clothes a lot (as an example, I wore a dress to the last party I went to). I just don't get it. And the idea that clothing can be masculine and feminine...bro...no. And...do you seriously want me to wear a skirt to the arcade?

Just a mild irritation with my two hetero parents.

​

 

[GojiBean]

I'm hetero, but I've always been supportive of the LGBTQ+ community even when I was too little to really understand what it actually meant.

And the question I've actually heard asked direct to my face in broad daylight many years ago which to this day pisses me off more than any other is this:

"Why do they even exist?"

The fuck kind of question is that to ask about another human being? Just because they're wired a bit differently and have a different sexual preference than you doesn't invalidate their existence or make them "wrong" or "dysfunctional" (as I've heard them labeled so many times before).

The sexual preference of another person has absolutely no impact on your own life. Especially if you never interact (or don't even know you're interacting) with them on a daily basis. And every time I ask someone the question "how does their preference affect your life?" they always give some bullshit response like (and yes, this is a real quote) "the fact they exist means they'll spread and that's going to be detrimental to the world!"

Bruh... You need help. Seriously.

"The fact they exist means they'll spread." No, mush for brains. It doesn't. There are many in the LGBTQ+ community who are content finding love and living their lives without ever having, adopting or even wanting children. And when it comes to homosexuals, how are two men going to magically produce a child? How are two women going to? Both sides individually lack the means to produce children on their own. So who has fewer children than homosexuals?

"That's going to be detrimental to the world!" How? Because more people will have open minds and not judge others by arbitrary and inconsequential differences like sexuality? Er mah gerd... So scary! So destructive! Give me a fuckin' break, bro. If being any other sexuality than hetero was detrimental to the world we'd have seen signs of that a long time ago. Homosexuality, as but one example, is nothing new, and it even exists out in nature. It's not human exclusive. But the world's still spinning. And civilization is still expanding and progressing. No signs of any detrimental effects by the LGBTQ+ yet observed unless you're looking through a broken lens with a mirror at the end of it.

So yeah. As an LGBTQ+ ally it pisses me off that those who are against them try to act as if sexuality invalidates their existence or their right to exist. And this largely comes from religious groups which is a whole other issue. But for those groups, I have one thing to say: If god created us all in his own image, doesn't the existence of the LGBTQ+ community prove or at least suggest very strongly that god himself is part of it?

Food for thought.