Yuan
Wish me well in hell
I was contemplating making this on a burner account so I could distance myself away from my RP partners and not let them see the thoughts that travel through my head as I talk to them but eh. That's too much effort and I'm impatient and currently contemplating my existence as I uncover some memories I really didn't need on this wonderful evening that I decided to uncover anyway because I can't help myself.
If you're my RP partner reading this. Hi.
Unrelated note, I just have this feeling where if I post anything in any rant/vent related channel or place, and it's to no one in particular. I just feel seen. Idk, like people read the thoughts that swirl in my head and were like "....moving on." without saying anything and it just feels...good? It feels better than writing something and no one sees it. Or at least agnologies they seen it. Hahahahaha I don't know anymore. Posts will probably get deleted at random points, depending on what I feel.
PSA.
Don't post here. This is my little corner of the site where I can complain and rant and vent and not have someone post here. Ruins the vibe.
Don't tell me your DM's are open. I'm sure you're a wonderful person. Just for other people and not me.
Worry eats me alive. Fear controls me. It sucks ass dude. (Is that even a PSA???????)
Ok.
Let's get started.
If you're my RP partner reading this. Hi.
Unrelated note, I just have this feeling where if I post anything in any rant/vent related channel or place, and it's to no one in particular. I just feel seen. Idk, like people read the thoughts that swirl in my head and were like "....moving on." without saying anything and it just feels...good? It feels better than writing something and no one sees it. Or at least agnologies they seen it. Hahahahaha I don't know anymore. Posts will probably get deleted at random points, depending on what I feel.
PSA.
Don't post here. This is my little corner of the site where I can complain and rant and vent and not have someone post here. Ruins the vibe.
Don't tell me your DM's are open. I'm sure you're a wonderful person. Just for other people and not me.
Worry eats me alive. Fear controls me. It sucks ass dude. (Is that even a PSA???????)
Ok.
Let's get started.
I hate me. I hate how I act around people online and in real life. When I was younger, I was a true piece of garbage. I was mean and rude to those I thought were weird. I hate that part of my life, I hate how stupid I was. I hate how isolated I feel. I hate finding enjoyment talking to older people more then I find when I talk to people my age (online) and I hate how it makes me feel because I know most on the other side of the screen don't know their talking to a kid who doesn't have a driver's permit yet. I feel good when I'm told I act older than I am, it makes me feel happy. I hate how I find friends in older people and i'm scared that they think i'm some cringy teenager who doesn't know anything. I want them to like me despite the age gap being present. I'm walking on eggshells whenever I talk to people who know how old I am. I feel better being covered by a screen that just says my pronouns and thats it.
I want to make friends, I make them. And then I don't keep them. They get tired of me and/or I get tired of them or at least stop responding like they're the center of my world. It's my fault, I know it is but oh how I hate feeling left out and isolated because of my own mistakes. I always have that feeling of "it will only happen once. THat good moment will happen and then you will never get it again." It happened with my brother an I when we were younger. We would do some sibling bonding moment, something happens and we have to take a break. I try to re-kindle that moment so it can go back to how it was before and it never happens. How pathetic I am talking about bullcrap like this. Thinking it's worthy of anything I'm writing and pouring my soul out and I know none of this makes sense because I'm typing faster than my mind can articulate what's wrong with what I'm writing but I'm past the point of caring.
I feel useless. Just some kid who sits in a chair, plays videogames. Eats food, does schoolwork and puts minimal effort as well as being over-eager and clingy. My parents think i'm useless (idk, maybe) I feel like they think i'm useless since I'm some hermit who doesn't do sports/be active/get out of the house. I used to do sports then stopped and haven't gone back. My dad's kinda pissed at me whenever he tries to bring up sports and I shoot it down cuz it's just not my thing anymore.
I hate my life a couple months ago. I had friends. I screwed them up. I screwed myself and them (maybe up) and now I can't look at anything that was related to them. It makes me feel more shitty and the whole reason I made this stupid thread was because I looked at one of the things that reminded myself of them and I just started crying because I felt like garbage pushing them away because I was scared and now I can't be there for them and can't feel like I'm worth anything because If I can push people like them away, I can push anyone away and leave myself alone and isolated because that's just something that happens I guess.
I can't communicate.
I'm scared of hurting them.
Scared of hurting myself.
Scared of confrontation.
Scared of hurting them.
I'm always scared of hurting people.
I hate it.
Hate how it makes me feel.
Hate how easy I can do it.
It's so easy.
To hurt someone.
Without meaning to.
And now your just sitting there.
Wondering how your going to build it back up.
Despite not knowing anything yourself.
And knowing that you should know something at this point.
But you don't.
And it sucks.
Because everyone knows.
I want things the way they were.
Friends.
Our group.
All together.
No problems
No incidents.
Not where someone isolated themself from the rest because they hated themselves and how they acted and how they were before then.
I say I change
I don't.
I stay the same.
Because I can't change.
Or maybe I can.
And i'm just too dense to do so.
I apologize.
I say I won't do it again.
I do it again.
And sometimes.
I feel like the other person is to blame.
For something.
And I know.
It's just me.
But a part of my brain.
Wants to tell me the other person was to blame as well.
But I try to shut that part up.
Because thats just the brain trying to fool you.
Into thinking you did nothing.
When you screwed up everything.
I screw up a lot of things.
It really sucks.
Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
I pushed away people.
Because I was scared of myself.
I'm jealous of people.
Who get to experience happiness through the people who I pushed away.
Because I should be the one getting that happiness.
But that's just narcissistic of me.
Everyone should be happy.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not a good person.
That I shouldn't deserve to live because of the thoughts that roam through my head.
About how someone shouldn't be happy.
And that they were to blame.
And that I hate someone.
And how neutral I am.
People don't like neutral people but like neutral options.
I thought of dying.
I hope I go out without feeling pain.
But that rarely happens.
I think about the afterlife.
I believe that once you die, you die.
And you just cease to exist.
My parents think otherwise.
I don't really care.
People think what they want to think.
....
I had some depressive episodes.
That lasted only a day.
So they shouldn't even be called depressive episodes.
More so depressive shorts.
But during those times.
I think about how life would be if I just wasn't there.
Was there an afterlife?
Or just nothing.
I hope I won't get flagged for writing this.
How dumb am I.
I really hope my parents don't see this.
That would really suck.
Thats it for now.
Weirdly poetic for some reason.
If you could call it poetic, who am I to know?
I want to make friends, I make them. And then I don't keep them. They get tired of me and/or I get tired of them or at least stop responding like they're the center of my world. It's my fault, I know it is but oh how I hate feeling left out and isolated because of my own mistakes. I always have that feeling of "it will only happen once. THat good moment will happen and then you will never get it again." It happened with my brother an I when we were younger. We would do some sibling bonding moment, something happens and we have to take a break. I try to re-kindle that moment so it can go back to how it was before and it never happens. How pathetic I am talking about bullcrap like this. Thinking it's worthy of anything I'm writing and pouring my soul out and I know none of this makes sense because I'm typing faster than my mind can articulate what's wrong with what I'm writing but I'm past the point of caring.
I feel useless. Just some kid who sits in a chair, plays videogames. Eats food, does schoolwork and puts minimal effort as well as being over-eager and clingy. My parents think i'm useless (idk, maybe) I feel like they think i'm useless since I'm some hermit who doesn't do sports/be active/get out of the house. I used to do sports then stopped and haven't gone back. My dad's kinda pissed at me whenever he tries to bring up sports and I shoot it down cuz it's just not my thing anymore.
I hate my life a couple months ago. I had friends. I screwed them up. I screwed myself and them (maybe up) and now I can't look at anything that was related to them. It makes me feel more shitty and the whole reason I made this stupid thread was because I looked at one of the things that reminded myself of them and I just started crying because I felt like garbage pushing them away because I was scared and now I can't be there for them and can't feel like I'm worth anything because If I can push people like them away, I can push anyone away and leave myself alone and isolated because that's just something that happens I guess.
I can't communicate.
I'm scared of hurting them.
Scared of hurting myself.
Scared of confrontation.
Scared of hurting them.
I'm always scared of hurting people.
I hate it.
Hate how it makes me feel.
Hate how easy I can do it.
It's so easy.
To hurt someone.
Without meaning to.
And now your just sitting there.
Wondering how your going to build it back up.
Despite not knowing anything yourself.
And knowing that you should know something at this point.
But you don't.
And it sucks.
Because everyone knows.
I want things the way they were.
Friends.
Our group.
All together.
No problems
No incidents.
Not where someone isolated themself from the rest because they hated themselves and how they acted and how they were before then.
I say I change
I don't.
I stay the same.
Because I can't change.
Or maybe I can.
And i'm just too dense to do so.
I apologize.
I say I won't do it again.
I do it again.
And sometimes.
I feel like the other person is to blame.
For something.
And I know.
It's just me.
But a part of my brain.
Wants to tell me the other person was to blame as well.
But I try to shut that part up.
Because thats just the brain trying to fool you.
Into thinking you did nothing.
When you screwed up everything.
I screw up a lot of things.
It really sucks.
Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
I pushed away people.
Because I was scared of myself.
I'm jealous of people.
Who get to experience happiness through the people who I pushed away.
Because I should be the one getting that happiness.
But that's just narcissistic of me.
Everyone should be happy.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not a good person.
That I shouldn't deserve to live because of the thoughts that roam through my head.
About how someone shouldn't be happy.
And that they were to blame.
And that I hate someone.
And how neutral I am.
People don't like neutral people but like neutral options.
I thought of dying.
I hope I go out without feeling pain.
But that rarely happens.
I think about the afterlife.
I believe that once you die, you die.
And you just cease to exist.
My parents think otherwise.
I don't really care.
People think what they want to think.
....
I had some depressive episodes.
That lasted only a day.
So they shouldn't even be called depressive episodes.
More so depressive shorts.
But during those times.
I think about how life would be if I just wasn't there.
Was there an afterlife?
Or just nothing.
I hope I won't get flagged for writing this.
How dumb am I.
I really hope my parents don't see this.
That would really suck.
Thats it for now.
Weirdly poetic for some reason.
If you could call it poetic, who am I to know?
