Moonshadow
Roaming The Universe and Stars
It's my birthday in a couple of days and it's the huge milestone I've been excited since I was little. 18. Being eighteen is crossing that imaginary line to adulthood and once you cross that line you're suppose to be able to welcome the world differently. I've always wanted to be an adult. Adults can do things. They can do whatever they want and I envied that. So why did I think it was okay... To change what I loved. Everything I loved had to be thrown away. Hidden in dark drawers and even darker boxes. I thought, I needed to leave my love of Roleplaying behind. And I did.
Let me explain.
When I was little, I was honestly a brat. A glowing eyed, loud mouth, and missing teeth child who had cornered people to be her friends. That was me in a nutshell. I wore the best shoes. I would do anything and everything at recess, even when it landed me in the nurses office. I would be involved in drama and people bullied me, but I was such an airhead I had no idea that they were. I even tried to befriend the bully and was told by my Mom to stop engaging with them. But, I didn't want to be any of that. Deep down, I wanted to be a fairy. I wanted to be a wizard. I wanted to be a mermaid. I wanted to be anything, but myself. However, despite me being an airhead, I could tell how people felt. I could read a room and a part of me, that to this day I can never get rid of... Wanted people to love me. And no one thought being a mermaid was cool. No one thought being a fairy was cool. No wizards. Only human. No adventures. Only tag. I would let the fantasy part of me out and tried to get my friends to play my adventures. But, they always complained about playing another game. And I didn't want them to hate me or think so I would listen to them and pretend I wasn't even excited to have my adventure. I tried to get my brother and sister involved and they proceeded to mock me when I would grab my leggings and pretend to be a mermaid in our bathroom. They laughed and didn't even attempt to play along. And my Mom got mad at me for stretching my leggings.
My solution was to hide it. I would lock my door and play everything myself. I would play every part (except sometimes I would have my stuffed animals to act with) and act everything out in my room. I've been a wizard school. I helped saved animals with my fairy magic. I had to figure out how to live a normal teenage girl life with a mermaid tail (all thanks to H2O just add water). All by myself because I didn't anyone not to love me.
Then come middle school and I was in theater. I thought this was it, this was the start of a new adventure! But it wasn't. It was the same thing, but I got to act parts I hated. I didn't like the people in the class too, they had big egos and I found I hated everything about it. I found out about reading and I stuck to that. I didn't roleplay with myself anymore, but that void was filled with books. Then came, an app I found on my phone. I downloaded it on a whim after looking up stories on Sarfari (the old Sarfari that really sucked, until they got that update that changed the entire phone look to what it is today. It was hard to find stories man.) I saw stories between two people and I was hooked. The app sucked, someone had abandoned it and so it ran very very bad. But I thought it was gold because of the people. I saw I wasn't alone. I remember my very first roleplay. It didn't last long because the other people got annoyed by me asking so many questions about how to do this. But I thought it was fun because I made up a character and went for it. Her name was June and she was a rebel. After that I felt like I was heaven and would join every roleplay I could see with a character... All named June until I figured I should change up the game a little. I would love it when people showered me with praise and loved the ideas I had. It made hiding this obsession in real life so much more bearable. I had a double life. By day I was a normal girl who did her homework and had lots of friends. By night I was a fairy, an elf, a witch, a rebel, a werewolf, a vampire. It was great until I found an even better app. I jumped around, never stopping Roleplaying until Eighth grade
My Mom caught me Roleplaying on the app, seemingly talking to strangers who want to kidnap me. (I was aware it did happen a lot of times, but I was always cautious. When I saw something was werid, I blocked them.) Her and my older sister proceeded to delete everything. All the accounts. All the roleplays. She took my phone away and I was lost. This was the first time it was taken away. What I loved was taken away. I had to face the world. I had to stop. And I did.
I pretended that life didn't exist. I was normal. I would do what I'm suppose to do. Up until freshmen year I did. Then, I found a way out. An app my school showed me called Goodreads... Had Roleplaying. My Mom didn't know better since on the surface it was books and she liked me reading. But in the underbelly, was these people again! I was scared to pick it up and have it taken away again. I loved it too much for it to be gone. I made sure to hide it as best as I could before jumping in. And jumped in I did. I was back on track for my Roleplaying life and everything was smooth sailing. The only reason I left was because there wasn't that many. I met one and kept running into them. There was no one else.
Then came, RPnation. I looked up Roleplaying sites and it was the first one and I swiftly joined. From then on I roleplayed. Up until recently. This time it was my choice to quit at first. Everyone around me was growing up and I thought this can't possibly be forever. I can't be doing this forever so I had to stop. I had to move on. I didn't want to really. I loved Roleplaying and going on quick adventures. But, I felt like the drive was dying. Nothing held my intrest. All the groups died around me and I had to pick up the remains of a character to find another group. I didn't know what to do next. So I stopped Roleplaying all together. Desires would hit and I would shut them down by doing homework or writing my own novel. This was what I needed to do.
But now, it's coming in floods. I want to roleplay so bad, but I feel like it'll never be like it used to. Everything will lose intrest for me, every group will fall apart, I won't be able to satisfy another person. That's why I wanted to, but couldn't even will myself to look at this site. I felt the only way I could do this, was to write how I felt. I'm pretty sure a lot of you don't really care. I don't blame you, you have no reason to take intrest in this werid girl's life story and do what? Give her a cookie? It's mainly for me. Writing for me revels things about myself I never knew consciously. Every word flows out as I think it and I find myself writing what I hadn't intended before. It's my brain moving at full force and letting everything out. I don't know what to do at this point. I'm stuck in the question of if I should roleplay and if so, how could I possibly jump in now? I'm afraid to not like it. I'm afraid I'll like it too much. It almost feels like I'm falling thinking that there might be some cushion at the bottom. I only jumped to see if there was.
I'm not sure what this thread is or was planning to be. I literally just vomited my life story onto the internet and onto RPnation soooooo. Yeah. Tell your own experience about Roleplaying. Tell stories about your childhood. Or you can help me get over this question or even give me advice about what roleplays are out here on RPnation that can save this random person who's birthday they now know is coming up and weirdly knows everything about their life story. An odd thing to end on, but this is a weird thread. Thank you for reading this through! And even clicking on it in the first place! You are truly amazing.
(Sorry for any and all spelling/grammar errors this was very much a mind rant.)
Let me explain.
When I was little, I was honestly a brat. A glowing eyed, loud mouth, and missing teeth child who had cornered people to be her friends. That was me in a nutshell. I wore the best shoes. I would do anything and everything at recess, even when it landed me in the nurses office. I would be involved in drama and people bullied me, but I was such an airhead I had no idea that they were. I even tried to befriend the bully and was told by my Mom to stop engaging with them. But, I didn't want to be any of that. Deep down, I wanted to be a fairy. I wanted to be a wizard. I wanted to be a mermaid. I wanted to be anything, but myself. However, despite me being an airhead, I could tell how people felt. I could read a room and a part of me, that to this day I can never get rid of... Wanted people to love me. And no one thought being a mermaid was cool. No one thought being a fairy was cool. No wizards. Only human. No adventures. Only tag. I would let the fantasy part of me out and tried to get my friends to play my adventures. But, they always complained about playing another game. And I didn't want them to hate me or think so I would listen to them and pretend I wasn't even excited to have my adventure. I tried to get my brother and sister involved and they proceeded to mock me when I would grab my leggings and pretend to be a mermaid in our bathroom. They laughed and didn't even attempt to play along. And my Mom got mad at me for stretching my leggings.
My solution was to hide it. I would lock my door and play everything myself. I would play every part (except sometimes I would have my stuffed animals to act with) and act everything out in my room. I've been a wizard school. I helped saved animals with my fairy magic. I had to figure out how to live a normal teenage girl life with a mermaid tail (all thanks to H2O just add water). All by myself because I didn't anyone not to love me.
Then come middle school and I was in theater. I thought this was it, this was the start of a new adventure! But it wasn't. It was the same thing, but I got to act parts I hated. I didn't like the people in the class too, they had big egos and I found I hated everything about it. I found out about reading and I stuck to that. I didn't roleplay with myself anymore, but that void was filled with books. Then came, an app I found on my phone. I downloaded it on a whim after looking up stories on Sarfari (the old Sarfari that really sucked, until they got that update that changed the entire phone look to what it is today. It was hard to find stories man.) I saw stories between two people and I was hooked. The app sucked, someone had abandoned it and so it ran very very bad. But I thought it was gold because of the people. I saw I wasn't alone. I remember my very first roleplay. It didn't last long because the other people got annoyed by me asking so many questions about how to do this. But I thought it was fun because I made up a character and went for it. Her name was June and she was a rebel. After that I felt like I was heaven and would join every roleplay I could see with a character... All named June until I figured I should change up the game a little. I would love it when people showered me with praise and loved the ideas I had. It made hiding this obsession in real life so much more bearable. I had a double life. By day I was a normal girl who did her homework and had lots of friends. By night I was a fairy, an elf, a witch, a rebel, a werewolf, a vampire. It was great until I found an even better app. I jumped around, never stopping Roleplaying until Eighth grade
My Mom caught me Roleplaying on the app, seemingly talking to strangers who want to kidnap me. (I was aware it did happen a lot of times, but I was always cautious. When I saw something was werid, I blocked them.) Her and my older sister proceeded to delete everything. All the accounts. All the roleplays. She took my phone away and I was lost. This was the first time it was taken away. What I loved was taken away. I had to face the world. I had to stop. And I did.
I pretended that life didn't exist. I was normal. I would do what I'm suppose to do. Up until freshmen year I did. Then, I found a way out. An app my school showed me called Goodreads... Had Roleplaying. My Mom didn't know better since on the surface it was books and she liked me reading. But in the underbelly, was these people again! I was scared to pick it up and have it taken away again. I loved it too much for it to be gone. I made sure to hide it as best as I could before jumping in. And jumped in I did. I was back on track for my Roleplaying life and everything was smooth sailing. The only reason I left was because there wasn't that many. I met one and kept running into them. There was no one else.
Then came, RPnation. I looked up Roleplaying sites and it was the first one and I swiftly joined. From then on I roleplayed. Up until recently. This time it was my choice to quit at first. Everyone around me was growing up and I thought this can't possibly be forever. I can't be doing this forever so I had to stop. I had to move on. I didn't want to really. I loved Roleplaying and going on quick adventures. But, I felt like the drive was dying. Nothing held my intrest. All the groups died around me and I had to pick up the remains of a character to find another group. I didn't know what to do next. So I stopped Roleplaying all together. Desires would hit and I would shut them down by doing homework or writing my own novel. This was what I needed to do.
But now, it's coming in floods. I want to roleplay so bad, but I feel like it'll never be like it used to. Everything will lose intrest for me, every group will fall apart, I won't be able to satisfy another person. That's why I wanted to, but couldn't even will myself to look at this site. I felt the only way I could do this, was to write how I felt. I'm pretty sure a lot of you don't really care. I don't blame you, you have no reason to take intrest in this werid girl's life story and do what? Give her a cookie? It's mainly for me. Writing for me revels things about myself I never knew consciously. Every word flows out as I think it and I find myself writing what I hadn't intended before. It's my brain moving at full force and letting everything out. I don't know what to do at this point. I'm stuck in the question of if I should roleplay and if so, how could I possibly jump in now? I'm afraid to not like it. I'm afraid I'll like it too much. It almost feels like I'm falling thinking that there might be some cushion at the bottom. I only jumped to see if there was.
I'm not sure what this thread is or was planning to be. I literally just vomited my life story onto the internet and onto RPnation soooooo. Yeah. Tell your own experience about Roleplaying. Tell stories about your childhood. Or you can help me get over this question or even give me advice about what roleplays are out here on RPnation that can save this random person who's birthday they now know is coming up and weirdly knows everything about their life story. An odd thing to end on, but this is a weird thread. Thank you for reading this through! And even clicking on it in the first place! You are truly amazing.
(Sorry for any and all spelling/grammar errors this was very much a mind rant.)