Experiences The Roleplay Experience- A Story

[Moonshadow]

It's my birthday in a couple of days and it's the huge milestone I've been excited since I was little. 18. Being eighteen is crossing that imaginary line to adulthood and once you cross that line you're suppose to be able to welcome the world differently. I've always wanted to be an adult. Adults can do things. They can do whatever they want and I envied that. So why did I think it was okay... To change what I loved. Everything I loved had to be thrown away. Hidden in dark drawers and even darker boxes. I thought, I needed to leave my love of Roleplaying behind. And I did.

Let me explain.

When I was little, I was honestly a brat. A glowing eyed, loud mouth, and missing teeth child who had cornered people to be her friends. That was me in a nutshell. I wore the best shoes. I would do anything and everything at recess, even when it landed me in the nurses office. I would be involved in drama and people bullied me, but I was such an airhead I had no idea that they were. I even tried to befriend the bully and was told by my Mom to stop engaging with them. But, I didn't want to be any of that. Deep down, I wanted to be a fairy. I wanted to be a wizard. I wanted to be a mermaid. I wanted to be anything, but myself. However, despite me being an airhead, I could tell how people felt. I could read a room and a part of me, that to this day I can never get rid of... Wanted people to love me. And no one thought being a mermaid was cool. No one thought being a fairy was cool. No wizards. Only human. No adventures. Only tag. I would let the fantasy part of me out and tried to get my friends to play my adventures. But, they always complained about playing another game. And I didn't want them to hate me or think so I would listen to them and pretend I wasn't even excited to have my adventure. I tried to get my brother and sister involved and they proceeded to mock me when I would grab my leggings and pretend to be a mermaid in our bathroom. They laughed and didn't even attempt to play along. And my Mom got mad at me for stretching my leggings.

My solution was to hide it. I would lock my door and play everything myself. I would play every part (except sometimes I would have my stuffed animals to act with) and act everything out in my room. I've been a wizard school. I helped saved animals with my fairy magic. I had to figure out how to live a normal teenage girl life with a mermaid tail (all thanks to H2O just add water). All by myself because I didn't anyone not to love me.

Then come middle school and I was in theater. I thought this was it, this was the start of a new adventure! But it wasn't. It was the same thing, but I got to act parts I hated. I didn't like the people in the class too, they had big egos and I found I hated everything about it. I found out about reading and I stuck to that. I didn't roleplay with myself anymore, but that void was filled with books. Then came, an app I found on my phone. I downloaded it on a whim after looking up stories on Sarfari (the old Sarfari that really sucked, until they got that update that changed the entire phone look to what it is today. It was hard to find stories man.) I saw stories between two people and I was hooked. The app sucked, someone had abandoned it and so it ran very very bad. But I thought it was gold because of the people. I saw I wasn't alone. I remember my very first roleplay. It didn't last long because the other people got annoyed by me asking so many questions about how to do this. But I thought it was fun because I made up a character and went for it. Her name was June and she was a rebel. After that I felt like I was heaven and would join every roleplay I could see with a character... All named June until I figured I should change up the game a little. I would love it when people showered me with praise and loved the ideas I had. It made hiding this obsession in real life so much more bearable. I had a double life. By day I was a normal girl who did her homework and had lots of friends. By night I was a fairy, an elf, a witch, a rebel, a werewolf, a vampire. It was great until I found an even better app. I jumped around, never stopping Roleplaying until Eighth grade

My Mom caught me Roleplaying on the app, seemingly talking to strangers who want to kidnap me. (I was aware it did happen a lot of times, but I was always cautious. When I saw something was werid, I blocked them.) Her and my older sister proceeded to delete everything. All the accounts. All the roleplays. She took my phone away and I was lost. This was the first time it was taken away. What I loved was taken away. I had to face the world. I had to stop. And I did.

I pretended that life didn't exist. I was normal. I would do what I'm suppose to do. Up until freshmen year I did. Then, I found a way out. An app my school showed me called Goodreads... Had Roleplaying. My Mom didn't know better since on the surface it was books and she liked me reading. But in the underbelly, was these people again! I was scared to pick it up and have it taken away again. I loved it too much for it to be gone. I made sure to hide it as best as I could before jumping in. And jumped in I did. I was back on track for my Roleplaying life and everything was smooth sailing. The only reason I left was because there wasn't that many. I met one and kept running into them. There was no one else.

Then came, RPnation. I looked up Roleplaying sites and it was the first one and I swiftly joined. From then on I roleplayed. Up until recently. This time it was my choice to quit at first. Everyone around me was growing up and I thought this can't possibly be forever. I can't be doing this forever so I had to stop. I had to move on. I didn't want to really. I loved Roleplaying and going on quick adventures. But, I felt like the drive was dying. Nothing held my intrest. All the groups died around me and I had to pick up the remains of a character to find another group. I didn't know what to do next. So I stopped Roleplaying all together. Desires would hit and I would shut them down by doing homework or writing my own novel. This was what I needed to do.

But now, it's coming in floods. I want to roleplay so bad, but I feel like it'll never be like it used to. Everything will lose intrest for me, every group will fall apart, I won't be able to satisfy another person. That's why I wanted to, but couldn't even will myself to look at this site. I felt the only way I could do this, was to write how I felt. I'm pretty sure a lot of you don't really care. I don't blame you, you have no reason to take intrest in this werid girl's life story and do what? Give her a cookie? It's mainly for me. Writing for me revels things about myself I never knew consciously. Every word flows out as I think it and I find myself writing what I hadn't intended before. It's my brain moving at full force and letting everything out. I don't know what to do at this point. I'm stuck in the question of if I should roleplay and if so, how could I possibly jump in now? I'm afraid to not like it. I'm afraid I'll like it too much. It almost feels like I'm falling thinking that there might be some cushion at the bottom. I only jumped to see if there was.

I'm not sure what this thread is or was planning to be. I literally just vomited my life story onto the internet and onto RPnation soooooo. Yeah. Tell your own experience about Roleplaying. Tell stories about your childhood. Or you can help me get over this question or even give me advice about what roleplays are out here on RPnation that can save this random person who's birthday they now know is coming up and weirdly knows everything about their life story. An odd thing to end on, but this is a weird thread. Thank you for reading this through! And even clicking on it in the first place! You are truly amazing.

(Sorry for any and all spelling/grammar errors this was very much a mind rant.)

 

[Windsock]

Hot damn.

I just shitpost when I feel that way.

Don't turn something you can't have into an unhealthy obsession, alright? It'll make it better when you find something with weight to it.

If anyone wants to hear my bullshit I'll let loose the faucet myself, but I'm not going to do it for no reason.

 

[Moonshadow]

Hot damn.

I just shitpost when I feel that way.

Don't turn something you can't have into an unhealthy obsession, alright? It'll make it better when you find something with weight to it.

If anyone wants to hear my bullshit I'll let loose the faucet myself, but I'm not going to do it for no reason.

I mean, I'm always up for stories.

(I didn't think this was an obsession until you brought it up, but I can easily see how one might see it that way.)

 

[Windsock]

But now, it's coming in floods. I want to roleplay so bad, but I feel like it'll never be like it used to. Everything will lose intrest for me, every group will fall apart, I won't be able to satisfy another person.

I too, apparently, have my best times behind me.

It's probably a bit obvious by my profile picture, but I've always been a huge fan of mecha anime, and the related media in general. Ever since I was a kid. Something about machine men, giant battle robots, planes and tanks, inhuman things doing stuff always scratched one of my itches. I had this itch satisfied by games and whatnot for the longest time, but I've always been a constructive kind of guy. You notice I didn't say creative? I had this group, which was the group I was in when I was perfectly happy with my writing and what I was writing. After it all went to shit, one of the players said that about me when we were doing something else on the side. I was never creative. I'm not imaginative, but I still write well. It was a hard thing to understand at first but I'm content now. I thought it was an insult. It came from the asshole of the group, so it must've been, right? It was a compliment, really.

Anyway, that's besides the point. as I said, it all went to shit. Before that, it was the most fun I've had doing anything in years. Even though I was fucking up every step of the way as a GM. The setting was dumb; it was just armored core. The people in the universe were dumb; they were just copy-pasted gundam or armored core characters. I never made what I actually wanted clear, and my plots never went anywhere, but everyone was having so much fun with their character interactions, and I was having so much fun setting it all up and seeing people interpret my world, in ways better than I could've ever imagined. I had their first major opponent be a couple of dudes named after chess pieces, and they all gobbled that up! They wanted to meet all the other pieces, and we were joking about chess for weeks, months. Still, I got complacent. I wanted more from my players. I need violence in my RP's, physical action, people doing stuff to other people for great justice or super, mega evil. It's childish, but I want my RP's to be like my shonen animes. I don't want slice of life, I deal with that every day. I want an inhuman, unrealistic battle of good versus evil. I want to RP because I can pretend my life is something it isn't while sitting at my desk, clacking away.

That was my greatest fuckup, expecting more than I was putting out. Or, maybe it was the fact I was expecting something arc-based when the RP worked better as a slice of life. Either way, I was the worst writer, I probably still am, and I was the one asking for more this or that. Fuck. I saw that my players were having more fun then I was, allegedly. The solution was obvious in my naivety. Switch positions! Somebody wanted to be a Co-GM anyway, so, he can just be the actual GM! He handled a situation with a very... undesirable player almost flawlessly, better than I could! He watched the same animes, and showed me even cooler ones! I'll give him all my notes (all 3 of them), and he'll know exactly what I mean!

...Long story short, he didn't know what I mean. I won't fault him for that. I don't like him anymore because of a totally different, private reason. It's pretty childish too, don't worry. I made another shitty character I could play as, and I hated it so much I stopped playing in only a month, in only a dozen posts or so, overall. I didn't know what was happening in my own setting. I hadn't even thought of what I'd actually do in the other position. I wasn't the GM anymore: I, implicitly, agreed to a complete, autocratic role reversal. When I was the GM I had absolute power. I couldn't just disagree with the new me, right?

Well, when that fucked up I tried to restart a new version on this site. Didn't work out either. I was so tired of the setting that I just didn't know where to go. I'm still in love with the setting, it's my best work. I've worked on it for literal years, it's been with me... the entire time. I always want another run. It's gold to me, but it's just another weeb fantasy to everyone else. I'm just so tired of it. If I could restart all of it, with everyone having the same vigour and enthusiasm, experiencing it for the first time again, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But that'll never happen.

Anyway, just be aware, I know it sounds like a complete sob story for me but I was never entirely innocent either. It'd be disingenuous to say that. Don't feel sorry for somebody who shot his own foot.

I guess the moral of the story is to always think ahead, kiddos.

And, yeah. It is an obsession. It's okay to have an obsession. People who are obsessed with it are the best partners, of course. Just don't let it turn unhealthy.

 

[Moonshadow]

I too, apparently, have my best times behind me.

It's probably a bit obvious by my profile picture, but I've always been a huge fan of mecha anime, and the related media in general. Ever since I was a kid. Something about machine men, giant battle robots, planes and tanks, inhuman things doing stuff always scratched one of my itches. I had this itch satisfied by games and whatnot for the longest time, but I've always been a constructive kind of guy. You notice I didn't say creative? I had this group, which was the group I was in when I was perfectly happy with my writing and what I was writing. After it all went to shit, one of the players said that about me when we were doing something else on the side. I was never creative. I'm not imaginative, but I still write well. It was a hard thing to understand at first but I'm content now. I thought it was an insult. It came from the asshole of the group, so it must've been, right? It was a compliment, really.

Anyway, that's besides the point. as I said, it all went to shit. Before that, it was the most fun I've had doing anything in years. Even though I was fucking up every step of the way as a GM. The setting was dumb; it was just armored core. The people in the universe were dumb; they were just copy-pasted gundam or armored core characters. I never made what I actually wanted clear, and my plots never went anywhere, but everyone was having so much fun with their character interactions, and I was having so much fun setting it all up and seeing people interpret my world, in ways better than I could've ever imagined. I had their first major opponent be a couple of dudes named after chess pieces, and they all gobbled that up! They wanted to meet all the other pieces, and we were joking about chess for weeks, months. Still, I got complacent. I wanted more from my players. I need violence in my RP's, physical action, people doing stuff to other people for great justice or super, mega evil. It's childish, but I want my RP's to be like my shonen animes. I don't want slice of life, I deal with that every day. I want an inhuman, unrealistic battle of good versus evil. I want to RP because I can pretend my life is something it isn't while sitting at my desk, clacking away.

That was my greatest fuckup, expecting more than I was putting out. Or, maybe it was the fact I was expecting something arc-based when the RP worked better as a slice of life. Either way, I was the worst writer, I probably still am, and I was the one asking for more this or that. Fuck. I saw that my players were having more fun then I was, allegedly. The solution was obvious in my naivety. Switch positions! Somebody wanted to be a Co-GM anyway, so, he can just be the actual GM! He handled a situation with a very... undesirable player almost flawlessly, better than I could! He watched the same animes, and showed me even cooler ones! I'll give him all my notes (all 3 of them), and he'll know exactly what I mean!

...Long story short, he didn't know what I mean. I won't fault him for that. I don't like him anymore because of a totally different, private reason. It's pretty childish too, don't worry. I made another shitty character I could play as, and I hated it so much I stopped playing in only a month, in only a dozen posts or so, overall. I didn't know what was happening in my own setting. I hadn't even thought of what I'd actually do in the other position. I wasn't the GM anymore: I, implicitly, agreed to a complete, autocratic role reversal. When I was the GM I had absolute power. I couldn't just disagree with the new me, right?

Well, when that fucked up I tried to restart a new version on this site. Didn't work out either. I was so tired of the setting that I just didn't know where to go. I'm still in love with the setting, it's my best work. I've worked on it for literal years, it's been with me... the entire time. I always want another run. It's gold to me, but it's just another weeb fantasy to everyone else. I'm just so tired of it. If I could restart all of it, with everyone having the same vigour and enthusiasm, experiencing it for the first time again, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But that'll never happen.

Anyway, just be aware, I know it sounds like a complete sob story for me but I was never entirely innocent either. It'd be disingenuous to say that. Don't feel sorry for somebody who shot his own foot.

I guess the moral of the story is to always think ahead, kiddos.

And, yeah. It is an obsession. It's okay to have an obsession. People who are obsessed with it are the best partners, of course. Just don't let it turn unhealthy.

Thanks for sharing your story and I've GMed only once and it was when I was first starting out. It died quickly, but everyone liked the idea that one person stole it from me and they did it much better, therefore I didn't say anything.

Are you still DMing after learning from that experience?

 

[Windsock]

Thanks for sharing your story and I've GMed only once and it was when I was first starting out. It died quickly, but everyone liked the idea that one person stole it from me and they did it much better, therefore I didn't say anything.

Are you still DMing after learning from that experience?

I'm trying! But... not successfully!

 

[Moonshadow]

I'm trying! But... not successfully!

Trying is always better than not doing anything! I can tell DMing is hard and isn't for the faint of heart, but it's so greatly appreciated. Man, you are so cool and I barely even know you.

 

[Windsock]

Trying is always better than not doing anything! I can tell DMing is hard and isn't for the faint of heart, but it's so greatly appreciated. Man, you are so cool and I barely even know you.

I'm very charming, I know. Don't let me fool you, though, I have my bad sides. I wouldn't be so mopey otherwise, see?

 

[Moonshadow]

I'm very charming, I know. Don't let me fool you, though, I have my bad sides. I wouldn't be so mopey otherwise, see?

I suppose, but I didn't take that you were mopey. (If you look at it I'm more mopey because I feel like I have nothing straight in my life as I turn 18, which isn't even that big of a deal, whoops.)

I mean, this is just what Roleplaying has brought us. And that's pretty great.

 

[Moonshadow]

An update I suppose.

Heyo. Tomorrow is my birthday and I've felt some calmness over the wake of it. In terms of Roleplaying, I'm constantly dipping my toes in it and running away before anything can happen. Quite frankly because I'm afarid of joining too many roleplays and regretting it. But, I now see why perhaps it's beneficial to join a lot because a lot of it is slow. I don't expect it to be instantly faster like it used to be. Just because I've announced my stay I shouldn't expect things to change. However, a part of me wants it quick. I want to start group rping as soon as I express intrest and I want someone already dying one day into my 1x1s.

I always hated to wait because I always think it'll be quicker for everyone to lose intrest. I wish I could find a group that lasts. To have the daring adventures I crave for. So far, I've gotten none of it. I know the reality of the fact that I do need to wait. Speed will never happen with these things, and the same can be said with its longevity. It'll be amazing if my imaginations are set into action by tomorrow and I have an extraordinary RP at my fingertips. But, the reality of the matter is it will rarely happen. I just need to keep telling myself that if I don't keep trying to find it, I might speed past it and never realize what could have been.

So nothing is happening basically. I guess that's the problem of the day. But I've always I had this problem while Roleplaying. I just feel better when I write it out.

 

[Leon The Needled Riolu]

Hello.
I was fellow roleplayer as well and my parents we're fine with it.
but, i would like an roleplay.