Malphaestus
Touched by the Apocalypse
The Edge
---
I stand upon the edge: the depth kissing my feet,
Sweetest darkness looming underneath, upside down I feel,
A world reversed from how it should be: 'why am I so unhappy?'
Words beneath which the whole breadth of my existential dread is carried,
Bated breath accompanying, my gaze wandering: look ascending-
Up and meeting grey skies, clouded by the clouds; the sun's thus barred.
A tiresome mood then split by hurricane ache my spirit simply cannot take,
I reach for my chest, and notice the emptiness in its place:
As my hand goes through, the hole I cannot replace stares back at me,
The familiarity is baffling, that which is empty is stifling,
Harrowing thoughts cross my mind as I, panicked, toss-
My gaze across the error and the depth thus greets me,
A sea beneath which I've long been drowned-
Thus feels empty.
I wished it was differently.
The descent therefore beckons me, the nothingness attracts me.
Whispering of something different from reality, a new life and a new trend: an ending compels me.
My mind drifts towards familiarity, but I take my step and thus descend towards something else,
The light of day then ascends beyond me, the sun's rays penetrate me,
But I look deep, my mind freed from these tendrils of warmth; they cannot keep me.
Cloud's parting meaning nothing to me- I cannot go back, but for a moment I was free-
Falling towards the deep, the thing that seems most like a friend to me.
My mind is put to rest when the warmth of home is drenched by the cold blackness,
I embraced the call of the void; living up to the skies simply made me annoyed,
So I go in peace towards my listless sleep, delivered freely to me by descending's energy:
The inevitability removing all worry, flirting with an eternity-
Delivered from the earth, the cycle of life thus buried.
But I never met the ground, I fell the whole way 'round:
Spat out on the other side, the release I'd found was little else than wasted time.
I find myself back again, energy spent, amongst the midst of day.
Where I'd fell was to the Earth- the home I'd fled- met with the consequence.
I have to wrestle with the choices I'd made, but I never felt so alone as I do on this day.
Actions scrutinised as opposed to empathised; none could understand what it takes,
Now I'm enchained to the guilt, the crime of wishing to be free, the sun is laughing at me.
Plenty pity me, irritatingly; all I seek is the relief, undeliverable by the gazes gifted me,
Addicted instead to the misery, only thing left me: salvation’s found in the hurt which within is interspersed,
Forever immersed in the worst, but the words cannot convey the pain which the hole carries;
Absence is scary, damages brand me so that all can see, though mostly me:
I do not belong among anyone, the tree grown has since blown, felled by the choice to be left alone:
One thing leads unto the next, and the voices within urge every step-
My mindscape, too complex to ever put to text, yet I try endless:
Filled with little ‘cept regret, I slept and woke up drenched in deluged sweat,
I dreamt of the edge: so close yet so wretched, I hate it yet it’s my only friend:
The dream I never dreamt, the destination I never went,
The place I was kept from once again being sent.
Since, it’s been days since the dream’d end,
And the hole from whence I’d fell and was tossed out from, then born again, had been:
The event had since become nameless, never mentioned, erased from every spoken sentence.
What had happened’d never been, pain instead forced within again;
Death’s taboo absolute once more, I’ve since lived a life I’d never known before,
Failure forced further error unexplored as I was forced instead towards play pretend,
Chains of guilt weighed heavy once again, I gasped for breath yet found my lungs drenched in the emptiness.
I woke up, seven months sans the plunge, to a morn’ lorded o’er by iron-tinged cloud,
With dreary eye ‘n wanting belly, I forced myself from lying stance t’ face the world again,
Gripped by the beckoning quietly singing, ushering edge-ward my irksome mind-
Towards finality for the very last time; the weights left me, certainty ruled me,
Assurances fueled me, imbibing me with endless energy.
I felt empty, I'm unhappy.
The dread drowned me; living zombie.
But my love for endings overcome me,
My identity suffering singular dimensionality:
Laser-focus upon the only hopeful eventuality left me.
Through this new source of strength I was able to live a good day,
Did all I ought do, made my last and my best memories here-to,
And became a good friend to those I would leave absent,
Providing them with a time well-spent, an adequate present:
A memory which will last forever yet, a good time to look back on as I tumble towards the end.
As night descends, I am the sun-
that irksome light which blinds the eyes-
At last recognizing why it stands so proud amidst the skies:
Happy as it is, confident and satisfied with the life lived.
I felt it then, as I will do soon too, that I have lived all I could, and did all I could be expected to do,
And whilst it is true that I very much had to- many challenges presented me- I did my best,
I failed my test, and that’s okay and it’s alright; so I reflect as I trod towards the light:
The pitch blackness of the edge greets me, I hesitate not against the edge:
With descending's energy to guide me, I plunge into the dark,
An ending blinding me.
I will never again wake up, I thought, as I took comfort amidst the midnight pitch;
I will never again deal with the pain I’ve dealt, I think, as I feel the chill seep within and around my everything;
I will never again feel nor suffer, I realised, as the stagnant air of the abyss blows past my very cheek,
The descent no doubt seeming odious to observing gaze- but joyous to my own eyes beamed with glee;
Preludes have since passed, ponderous explanations a thing of the past, all that’s left is to pass and thus to greet the dirt at long last.
But alas, cosmic cruelty egregiously ruined me:
Propped upon the earth upon my weary feet, mind a jumble from dreams denied,
Eyes ablaze, dissecting the landscape with everything that takes:
Day’s come, heralded by none, and a night’s dream thus unwinds, and hope thus dies.
Once again I was denied, once again I find myself unwound:
I scream,
It was all a dream.
I cry,
But tears do not lead.
I hate,
But the emptiness does not allow me.
All that is left is apathy,
All I ever wished was to be happy.
---
I stand upon the edge: the depth kissing my feet,
Sweetest darkness looming underneath, upside down I feel,
A world reversed from how it should be: 'why am I so unhappy?'
Words beneath which the whole breadth of my existential dread is carried,
Bated breath accompanying, my gaze wandering: look ascending-
Up and meeting grey skies, clouded by the clouds; the sun's thus barred.
A tiresome mood then split by hurricane ache my spirit simply cannot take,
I reach for my chest, and notice the emptiness in its place:
As my hand goes through, the hole I cannot replace stares back at me,
The familiarity is baffling, that which is empty is stifling,
Harrowing thoughts cross my mind as I, panicked, toss-
My gaze across the error and the depth thus greets me,
A sea beneath which I've long been drowned-
Thus feels empty.
I wished it was differently.
The descent therefore beckons me, the nothingness attracts me.
Whispering of something different from reality, a new life and a new trend: an ending compels me.
My mind drifts towards familiarity, but I take my step and thus descend towards something else,
The light of day then ascends beyond me, the sun's rays penetrate me,
But I look deep, my mind freed from these tendrils of warmth; they cannot keep me.
Cloud's parting meaning nothing to me- I cannot go back, but for a moment I was free-
Falling towards the deep, the thing that seems most like a friend to me.
My mind is put to rest when the warmth of home is drenched by the cold blackness,
I embraced the call of the void; living up to the skies simply made me annoyed,
So I go in peace towards my listless sleep, delivered freely to me by descending's energy:
The inevitability removing all worry, flirting with an eternity-
Delivered from the earth, the cycle of life thus buried.
But I never met the ground, I fell the whole way 'round:
Spat out on the other side, the release I'd found was little else than wasted time.
I find myself back again, energy spent, amongst the midst of day.
Where I'd fell was to the Earth- the home I'd fled- met with the consequence.
I have to wrestle with the choices I'd made, but I never felt so alone as I do on this day.
Actions scrutinised as opposed to empathised; none could understand what it takes,
Now I'm enchained to the guilt, the crime of wishing to be free, the sun is laughing at me.
Plenty pity me, irritatingly; all I seek is the relief, undeliverable by the gazes gifted me,
Addicted instead to the misery, only thing left me: salvation’s found in the hurt which within is interspersed,
Forever immersed in the worst, but the words cannot convey the pain which the hole carries;
Absence is scary, damages brand me so that all can see, though mostly me:
I do not belong among anyone, the tree grown has since blown, felled by the choice to be left alone:
One thing leads unto the next, and the voices within urge every step-
My mindscape, too complex to ever put to text, yet I try endless:
Filled with little ‘cept regret, I slept and woke up drenched in deluged sweat,
I dreamt of the edge: so close yet so wretched, I hate it yet it’s my only friend:
The dream I never dreamt, the destination I never went,
The place I was kept from once again being sent.
Since, it’s been days since the dream’d end,
And the hole from whence I’d fell and was tossed out from, then born again, had been:
The event had since become nameless, never mentioned, erased from every spoken sentence.
What had happened’d never been, pain instead forced within again;
Death’s taboo absolute once more, I’ve since lived a life I’d never known before,
Failure forced further error unexplored as I was forced instead towards play pretend,
Chains of guilt weighed heavy once again, I gasped for breath yet found my lungs drenched in the emptiness.
I woke up, seven months sans the plunge, to a morn’ lorded o’er by iron-tinged cloud,
With dreary eye ‘n wanting belly, I forced myself from lying stance t’ face the world again,
Gripped by the beckoning quietly singing, ushering edge-ward my irksome mind-
Towards finality for the very last time; the weights left me, certainty ruled me,
Assurances fueled me, imbibing me with endless energy.
I felt empty, I'm unhappy.
The dread drowned me; living zombie.
But my love for endings overcome me,
My identity suffering singular dimensionality:
Laser-focus upon the only hopeful eventuality left me.
Through this new source of strength I was able to live a good day,
Did all I ought do, made my last and my best memories here-to,
And became a good friend to those I would leave absent,
Providing them with a time well-spent, an adequate present:
A memory which will last forever yet, a good time to look back on as I tumble towards the end.
As night descends, I am the sun-
that irksome light which blinds the eyes-
At last recognizing why it stands so proud amidst the skies:
Happy as it is, confident and satisfied with the life lived.
I felt it then, as I will do soon too, that I have lived all I could, and did all I could be expected to do,
And whilst it is true that I very much had to- many challenges presented me- I did my best,
I failed my test, and that’s okay and it’s alright; so I reflect as I trod towards the light:
The pitch blackness of the edge greets me, I hesitate not against the edge:
With descending's energy to guide me, I plunge into the dark,
An ending blinding me.
I will never again wake up, I thought, as I took comfort amidst the midnight pitch;
I will never again deal with the pain I’ve dealt, I think, as I feel the chill seep within and around my everything;
I will never again feel nor suffer, I realised, as the stagnant air of the abyss blows past my very cheek,
The descent no doubt seeming odious to observing gaze- but joyous to my own eyes beamed with glee;
Preludes have since passed, ponderous explanations a thing of the past, all that’s left is to pass and thus to greet the dirt at long last.
But alas, cosmic cruelty egregiously ruined me:
Propped upon the earth upon my weary feet, mind a jumble from dreams denied,
Eyes ablaze, dissecting the landscape with everything that takes:
Day’s come, heralded by none, and a night’s dream thus unwinds, and hope thus dies.
Once again I was denied, once again I find myself unwound:
I scream,
It was all a dream.
I cry,
But tears do not lead.
I hate,
But the emptiness does not allow me.
All that is left is apathy,
All I ever wished was to be happy.
