SniperBus
Queen of Snails
Righto, notes for the first two characters submitted will be here shortly.
This is the tab that (hopefully) answers all questions not specifically answered, by giving you copies of things said in previous character sheets, suggested fixes, and then the author's response to those.
This is the tab that (hopefully) answers all questions not specifically answered, by giving you copies of things said in previous character sheets, suggested fixes, and then the author's response to those.
Snip: First issue:
"Disciplines of Magic: Gaoden, Xni, Ondra, and Keleik"
you spelled Xne wrong, you goof.
Suggested fix:
..spell it right.
Over: Aye aye el capitan! Spelling is hard. Why do they stop testing you on it in elementary school again? It's not like you ever stop SPELLING things!
Snip: Second issue:
"The only reason she's able to lift her saber is because she augments her strength with Vosi."
This one is wrong, wrong, wrong, on top of wrong.
None of these disciplines are for augmenting your strength except Gaoden, but that would require you to
A: Be an expert with magic, because shapeshifting is hard as fuck.
(Mainly because you have to delete the existing organism, bind the second one in place, sustain it, and then destroy that existing organism and recreate the first one, all while maintaining a continuous Vosi flow.)
and B: Have a very, very high propensity towards magic or have an extremely large Soul.
Anyway, even if that wasn't the case you could maybe pass it off as Ondra, and just use Vosi to control the sabre without actually having to move your arm at all. Now, this would be fine, but then you'd have no reason to have a sabre in the first fucking place.
Also, you'd need a high propensity towards magic or need a medium-sized Soul.
As I understand, she starts off as slight, and has chosen very difficult disciplines to start off with, and many of them, which would stagnate her soul growth and basically leave her at a "slight" level.
Suggested fix:
Have less disciplines learned, maybe just Ondra and Xne.
or make the sabre not 999999 feet long.
Using Xne, you could summon the sabre at any time, and using Ondra, you could stab people with it without moving yourself at all.
Over: When making the twins, I was thinking their "base" affinity for a particular discipline of magic would be Gaoden. Their signature type if you would, would be turning parts of their skin black and hard to protect them from injury and strengthen their body. That's the only application of Gaoden I imagined her able to use. If strengthening the body is some other type, could you clarify which? Her saber is something that only formed after she went through hell and was in desperate need of something strong to protect herself with. It was created with Xne, and is the only thing she knows how to make. I was thinking of Ondra as more of the telepathic application than the telekinetic... like her extreme emotions can have subtle effects on other people nearby. Maybe a subtle connection to her brother (rather than it just being a twin thing). Anything beyond that I wasn't thinking of. I can get rid of it if necessary. Keleik was just there to teleport her saber back to her if it got taken away, but in hindsight she could just unsummon it and make it reappear in her hand anyway. I'll remove that from the list when I make the first big edit sweep.
Snip: Third issue:
"Cerys' power appeared first, and it wasn't long after that everyone's suspicions were confirmed when Killian's.."
This is k, I guess.
but no one's suspicions would need to be confirmed when Cerys literally caught flame in fronnt of everyone
Unless of course you mean, suspicions towards Killian having powers or not, in which case:
Suggested fix:
Rewrite/reword
Over: Sorry if it was worded confusing, I did mean the suspicions that her brother would also have powers. His appeared shortly after his sister's. I'll reword it.
Snip: Fourth issue:
"quickly apparent that Cerys' power was being wasted on labor."
Not sure what you mean here.
I mean, either she has a job and is wasting away doing it, or she isn't.
The government would make it quite clear if she was employed.
I'm assuming, of course, she wouldn't hide being a slave.
Suggested fix:
Rewrite/reword
Over: I mean she was put to work transporting things but with her only ability apparently being able to exhibit monstrous strength by turning her skin black someone higher-up got the bright idea what she could be used to fight. And then during the testing she created her saber and they knew they could use a monster like her on the battlefield until she just happened to get killed.
Snip: First Discrepancy:
"the one giving the test was left smeared across the ceiling and walls and everything in the room was in pieces..."
This wouldn't be tolerated. At all.
anyone giving any sort of test would be, probably, a magic user working for the government- however- I'm going to give you this one- because the person giving the test could just be some low ranking lackey, and the more power you can show the better, Isuppose.
Suggested fix:
It's fine, I guess.
Over: The purpose of the tests was to push her to the limit to see if she had any other types of magic they could get her to show. I was thinking since that might be a very dangerous job that they would have used low-rank, overall useless magic users who they didn't care if they died running the tests. Lose one useless magic user, gain one stronger to send out to fight. Worth?
Snip: Fifth issue:
"The walls had been strengthened..."
I'm assuming by this you mean, before she showed up, they were like "osht make dem waells straonger"
In which case they wouldn't have tested her, because they would know her power. Even if they went on with the test, they wouldn't have put anyone in the same room as her.
>_>
If you meant the walls are stronger than normal walls produced, just say somethin' like that.
Suggested fix:
Rewrite/reword.
Over:I mean the rooms were made specifically with the idea that they were trying to force magic out of people in mind. It'd probably be a good idea to build the walls of said rooms a little stronger and a little thicker than necessary, just in case the person inside happens to pull a "999999 feet long" out of the air to lash out with. I'll think of a way to word it more clearly.
Snip: Sixth issue:
"second they became a hindrance during her first battle she cut them apart..."
K, so, they would use magic-users as a sort of mobile artillery, because racist non-vosi users are idiots and use traditional general thinking. However, she would otherwise be used as a solo-unit, paired with a more experienced, trustworthy, magic user that would prevent her from escaping if she tried.
Suggested fix:
Rewrite/reword.
Over:Cerys is what I'd imagine being a sort of "melee mage", since she has a big ass saber only really makes her body stronger. She doesn't have much skill outside of that, so she wouldn't be very useful as artillery. I imagined they'd throw her out ahead of the main forces (I guess with her also-magical overseer keeping watch) just to have her put a sizable dent in the enemy army before hopefully getting killed off. How do you want me to change this to better fit?
Snip:Seventh issue:
Edit anything remaining to make sense with the things following behind.
Unless you want it to sound like trash, that's fine, lel
Suggested fix:
See above.
Over: I love the sound of trash! Joking, I will go through everything and make it flow every time I edit the sheet. The last thing I would want is an unreadable mess of a CS from constant editing.
Snip:I'll do your other character... later.
Over:I'll say right now, I apologize for the bastardization of your system that is Killian Androssi. He takes concepts barely touched on in the overview and stretches them to their breaking points a couple of times over. I expect a couple of pages of things that need to be completely overhauled by the time you're done reading his CS through.
Can I publish these notes so other people can see what mistakes not to make?
I've requested a tab specifically for it, actually.
As I said before, feel free. Anything to clarify what you want and what works and doesn't work in your world for others trying to make their character.
"Disciplines of Magic: Gaoden, Xni, Ondra, and Keleik"
you spelled Xne wrong, you goof.
Suggested fix:
..spell it right.
Over: Aye aye el capitan! Spelling is hard. Why do they stop testing you on it in elementary school again? It's not like you ever stop SPELLING things!
Snip: Second issue:
"The only reason she's able to lift her saber is because she augments her strength with Vosi."
This one is wrong, wrong, wrong, on top of wrong.
None of these disciplines are for augmenting your strength except Gaoden, but that would require you to
A: Be an expert with magic, because shapeshifting is hard as fuck.
(Mainly because you have to delete the existing organism, bind the second one in place, sustain it, and then destroy that existing organism and recreate the first one, all while maintaining a continuous Vosi flow.)
and B: Have a very, very high propensity towards magic or have an extremely large Soul.
Anyway, even if that wasn't the case you could maybe pass it off as Ondra, and just use Vosi to control the sabre without actually having to move your arm at all. Now, this would be fine, but then you'd have no reason to have a sabre in the first fucking place.
Also, you'd need a high propensity towards magic or need a medium-sized Soul.
As I understand, she starts off as slight, and has chosen very difficult disciplines to start off with, and many of them, which would stagnate her soul growth and basically leave her at a "slight" level.
Suggested fix:
Have less disciplines learned, maybe just Ondra and Xne.
or make the sabre not 999999 feet long.
Using Xne, you could summon the sabre at any time, and using Ondra, you could stab people with it without moving yourself at all.
Over: When making the twins, I was thinking their "base" affinity for a particular discipline of magic would be Gaoden. Their signature type if you would, would be turning parts of their skin black and hard to protect them from injury and strengthen their body. That's the only application of Gaoden I imagined her able to use. If strengthening the body is some other type, could you clarify which? Her saber is something that only formed after she went through hell and was in desperate need of something strong to protect herself with. It was created with Xne, and is the only thing she knows how to make. I was thinking of Ondra as more of the telepathic application than the telekinetic... like her extreme emotions can have subtle effects on other people nearby. Maybe a subtle connection to her brother (rather than it just being a twin thing). Anything beyond that I wasn't thinking of. I can get rid of it if necessary. Keleik was just there to teleport her saber back to her if it got taken away, but in hindsight she could just unsummon it and make it reappear in her hand anyway. I'll remove that from the list when I make the first big edit sweep.
Snip: Third issue:
"Cerys' power appeared first, and it wasn't long after that everyone's suspicions were confirmed when Killian's.."
This is k, I guess.
but no one's suspicions would need to be confirmed when Cerys literally caught flame in fronnt of everyone
Unless of course you mean, suspicions towards Killian having powers or not, in which case:
Suggested fix:
Rewrite/reword
Over: Sorry if it was worded confusing, I did mean the suspicions that her brother would also have powers. His appeared shortly after his sister's. I'll reword it.
Snip: Fourth issue:
"quickly apparent that Cerys' power was being wasted on labor."
Not sure what you mean here.
I mean, either she has a job and is wasting away doing it, or she isn't.
The government would make it quite clear if she was employed.
I'm assuming, of course, she wouldn't hide being a slave.
Suggested fix:
Rewrite/reword
Over: I mean she was put to work transporting things but with her only ability apparently being able to exhibit monstrous strength by turning her skin black someone higher-up got the bright idea what she could be used to fight. And then during the testing she created her saber and they knew they could use a monster like her on the battlefield until she just happened to get killed.
Snip: First Discrepancy:
"the one giving the test was left smeared across the ceiling and walls and everything in the room was in pieces..."
This wouldn't be tolerated. At all.
anyone giving any sort of test would be, probably, a magic user working for the government- however- I'm going to give you this one- because the person giving the test could just be some low ranking lackey, and the more power you can show the better, Isuppose.
Suggested fix:
It's fine, I guess.
Over: The purpose of the tests was to push her to the limit to see if she had any other types of magic they could get her to show. I was thinking since that might be a very dangerous job that they would have used low-rank, overall useless magic users who they didn't care if they died running the tests. Lose one useless magic user, gain one stronger to send out to fight. Worth?
Snip: Fifth issue:
"The walls had been strengthened..."
I'm assuming by this you mean, before she showed up, they were like "osht make dem waells straonger"
In which case they wouldn't have tested her, because they would know her power. Even if they went on with the test, they wouldn't have put anyone in the same room as her.
>_>
If you meant the walls are stronger than normal walls produced, just say somethin' like that.
Suggested fix:
Rewrite/reword.
Over:I mean the rooms were made specifically with the idea that they were trying to force magic out of people in mind. It'd probably be a good idea to build the walls of said rooms a little stronger and a little thicker than necessary, just in case the person inside happens to pull a "999999 feet long" out of the air to lash out with. I'll think of a way to word it more clearly.
Snip: Sixth issue:
"second they became a hindrance during her first battle she cut them apart..."
K, so, they would use magic-users as a sort of mobile artillery, because racist non-vosi users are idiots and use traditional general thinking. However, she would otherwise be used as a solo-unit, paired with a more experienced, trustworthy, magic user that would prevent her from escaping if she tried.
Suggested fix:
Rewrite/reword.
Over:Cerys is what I'd imagine being a sort of "melee mage", since she has a big ass saber only really makes her body stronger. She doesn't have much skill outside of that, so she wouldn't be very useful as artillery. I imagined they'd throw her out ahead of the main forces (I guess with her also-magical overseer keeping watch) just to have her put a sizable dent in the enemy army before hopefully getting killed off. How do you want me to change this to better fit?
Snip:Seventh issue:
Edit anything remaining to make sense with the things following behind.
Unless you want it to sound like trash, that's fine, lel
Suggested fix:
See above.
Over: I love the sound of trash! Joking, I will go through everything and make it flow every time I edit the sheet. The last thing I would want is an unreadable mess of a CS from constant editing.
Snip:I'll do your other character... later.
Over:I'll say right now, I apologize for the bastardization of your system that is Killian Androssi. He takes concepts barely touched on in the overview and stretches them to their breaking points a couple of times over. I expect a couple of pages of things that need to be completely overhauled by the time you're done reading his CS through.
Can I publish these notes so other people can see what mistakes not to make?
I've requested a tab specifically for it, actually.
As I said before, feel free. Anything to clarify what you want and what works and doesn't work in your world for others trying to make their character.
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