Some Oc's i Have that i want to improve

[Sh*tposter]

Name: Script
Occupation: Retired(Or Fired) Local Detective
Gender: Male
Species:Undefined, but doesn't really matter to him, as he has really nothing other than his appearance selerating him from a human,leading to a minor self-loathing to stir in him
Clothing: Formal :Rather Wrinkled but otherwise Clean Trench Coat,A V-Neck with a wine stain that can never come out, A black tie placed over said stain, Wrinkled Dress Pants, Worn out Black Loafers, and looks like he's not dressed to impress, or even stand out
Clothing: Casual (though he never really dresses casually unless he's in a place he's comfortable in):A Plain Grey Shirt, with the sleeves cut off due to discomfort and was 2 sizes too large Black Shorts that fit him too tight, courtesy of his ex but he had no other "casual" pants so really the only thing he had, and Worn out Grey Running Shoes that should really be in the trash but sandals aren't much better
Personality: Rather Polite, as if he'd really would not want to cause a headache that would be arguing,Keeps to himself and honestly hates the limelight, which is why most of his attire just seems washed out and plain, Cynical, making it difficult for him to trust others, especially those who want to get closer to him, Not much of a Risk Taker, due to the times he had taken risks and had ended up losing more than what was at potential stakes, Prude-ish, not really comfortable with flirting or showing a lot of skin due to it bringing undeserved attention to him, which might bring romantic oppurtunities, and potential outcomes where he gets the short end of the stick, And A bit on the self-loathing side, feeling as if he has to apologize for everything, make up for others, and doesn't really want to draw attention to himself since he doesn't really know of a reason to do something so unnecessary in his eyes
Body Type: Defined and above average upper and lower body,with pecs,biceps, and abs of a bodybuilder just getting into bodybuilding, but he doesn't like showing his body and just remains clothed most of the time
Backstory: Before he had gotten fired, or "forcefully retired" as his superior called it, he had a little buisness going on. He'd envisioned his small business to be something comparable to those black and white cop films, with the old man in the shadows, jump starting the investigation and getting the 'bad guy' arrested. Of course, he'd been devastated to not only be openly rejected by many of his 'future clients' for being "as useless as a human",but to further aggravate it, he had just gotten a whole rent-free year,to the dismay of everyone. (wip)

(ill start off with this oc, if you feel as if anything can be bettered, lemme know. thanks!)

 

[Bacon is fluffy]

Name: Script
Occupation: Retired(Or Fired) Local Detective
Two things:
Choose one
Add it to the backstory. Doing so will allow you to use it either to emphasize his disgruntled attitude. Or perhaps keeping it ambiguous can lead into it being a joke for comedic affect, to lighten the mood. Based on the needs of the rp ofcourse.

Gender: Male
Species: Virus( Basically being that vary wildly in appearance but main power is bending reality to their will)
Sounds like it's either a character from osmosis jones or some of shape shifting wizard. Perhaps you should go deeper into this and how it affected his past, present and future prospects as whatever he is. Because whether you give this a section of its own or expand upon this in the backstory, it's super important to expand upon this. Otherwise it comes off as a mary sue power
Clothing: Formal : Trench Coat, V-Neck T shirt, Dress Pants, Black Loafers
Clothing: Casual : Grey Tank Top, Black Shorts, White Running Shoes
You could elaborate on both sections. Both can serve as a contrast for how he carries himself in professional and casual settings. Adding specific tendencies based on his personality would deepen the meaning behind his attire. Perhaps he doesnt fully button his collared shirts when going out, trying to show off his pecks or something. Or perhaps his Tie is never fully done, even in the office. Giving him either a slovenly personality. Without ever having to state that he is.
Personality: Cynical, Quiet, Prude-ish, Serious, Analytical
Simply going more in depth here and perhaps giving an example might be best to help flesh him out and make him feel more like a real person.
Sexual Orientation: Gay
If this actually matters and you're not just filling out a box on a census form or a job application, then you should either use this in your backstory or expand on it. Perhaps you could go over if he's a flaming gay. Who hits on anyone he finds attractive, straight or not. Or perhaps he's a more discrete person seeing as he's a prude and you wouldn't know he was a gay unless you saw him in a gay bar. Or you could even say that maybe with people he trusts, he's a little more open about it. No matter how you spin this, you can easily expand here and characterize him further. One of my favorite gay guys(or actors taht played one) was in mr robot. Dude was this stressed out guy who owned a small security company like avast. I don't remember his name,but he's all uptight and feels uncomfortable telling others what he's into.

edit: Gideon from mr robot
Body Type: Athletic
Expand, what does that mean? Is he a body builder? Is he lean like a swimmer?
Backstory: After being accepted in a sorta safe haven for monsters, most of the cases led to the authority being at fault. In order not to "rile up everyone", Script was ordered to shut his services, to the dismay of everyone there. After that day, he had been sorta sluggish, watching people occasionally pass him and see their eyes brighten up only for him to have to decline or just walk away. There is one person he hopes to not see their eyes glow, though...
Missing a lot. Tells me nothing about him. Maybe a key event you elaborate on can be what exactly he did to gain the ire of his superiors. And not just saying, he trolled them and made them mad by going against them.
(ill start off with this oc, if you feel as if anything can be bettered, lemme know. thanks!)

Input in red

 

[Sh*tposter]

Input in red

Thank you for your critique and I'll keep it in mind when revising my sheet. it also gives me some insight on things I could generally improve, like details or reasoning in certain things. overall, thank you!

 

[Bacon is fluffy]

Thank you for your critique and I'll keep it in mind when revising my sheet. it also gives me some insight on things I could generally improve, like details or reasoning in certain things. overall, thank you!

No problem, I hope yer character turns out the way you wanted him to. :3

 

[Sh*tposter]

No problem, I hope yer character turns out the way you wanted him to. :3

Thank you again for all of your help, as I hope this revision is a better version.