Short story, please critique

[Karlore]

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Hi I wrote this back story as part of a roleplay I'm involved in, but it doesn't really fit with the lore so I'm going to rewrite the whole thing. To be honest it's the longest thing I've written in a while and I'm sort of proud of it. I didn't want to just delete it so I figured I would post it here. I'm still a novice writer and I've never really shared my stuff with other people before so I'd be deeply appreciative if anyone could offer any critiques so I can improve. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Once, there was a sailor who drifted astray. A strong current had carried his boat far away from land, to a place so heavy with fog he couldn't see the stars to find his way home, and with no wind to push him. The boat drifted aimlessly for many days and nights, beyond his control and at the mercy of the currents. As the days passed his dread turned to numbness. When the final day dawned he awoke and made his way toward the stairs from the hull to the deck, passing his now empty supply cache without so much as a glance. He had accepted his fate, and decided to gaze upon the water one last time as he awaited death. There he lay for several hours until his boat began to shake. He stood to see what was happening as a massive tentacle rose from the water and crashed down over the side of the boat, cracking rail and deck and knocking him back down. He grabbed his harpoon and jabbed the beast over and over, all the while wondering if it was just a hallucination. He must have stabbed the tentacle half a hundred times, but it had no effect but to make the beast angrier. More and more tentacles wrapped around the boat as he heaved with exhaustion until finally the head of the mythical creature rose from the water. Its massive eye seemed to stare into his very soul as numbness gave way to dread once more. Then, he saw his opportunity. He stumbled toward what was left of the rail and braced against it as he hurled the harpoon with all his might into that giant eye. His nemesis was slain but its death spasms had utterly destroyed the boat. Using all the energy it had left, its last act was to wrap a tentacle around his leg. He took the deepest breath he had ever taken before the dead monster pulled him under the waves toward what would surely, this time, be his death. Only when the beast crashed against the ocean floor did it finally release him. He was free, but surrounded by a world of cold darkness, except for the pale blue light in the periphery of his vision. Unable to surface for fear of the bends, and realizing there was no land to swim to anyway, he resolved that his last act would be to uncover the source of the strange light. As he approached it, he found himself surrounded by stone columns and debris. He saw the wreckage of once mighty ships and the skeletons of many other unfortunate sailors, picked clean by fish and overtaken by coral. He came upon a sandstone throne atop a dais, the source of the light. As he approached it, the water flowing from the thing pushed against him. The closer he got, the stronger it was, until he was mere feet from it, where he could proceed no further. He struggled and struggled until he was nearly out of breath, so close and yet so far. Was this how he was to die? A failure, unable to touch the thing he had dedicated the last moments of his life to? He closed his eyes and lunged. When he opened them he was sitting atop it, breathing. Breathing! He was breathing the water. Swarms of sea creatures appeared from the ruins. Mermaids swam up to the throne, congratulating him. Manatees drifted by as whales and sharks and dolphins circled above. A school of fish swam about his body, stripping away the tattered rags he was wearing and dressing him in his new kingly regalia. An octopus approached and handed him his new weapons, a trident and a weighted net. A company of sea horses galloped up to the throne and bowed. More creatures formed a group above them, then more, then more. Before long there were innumerable creatures floating in front of the throne, all bowing before him.


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[raspberryrose]

Overall, I think the story is pretty good. It definitely has a very interesting premise. It gives a sort of origin story/legend feel which I definitely like.

Spoiler

As for critique... haha I'm probably not the best person for this but I'll tell you what I think.


In the first paragraph, I would suggest removing the 'had' in the second sentence. One, it keeps everything in the same tense but mainly it's because you started the story with 'Once'. Using that gives it the sort of impression that it's being spoken so keeping it in the same tense makes it in chronological order. This is a pretty minor thing though.


In the attack from the squid, it doesn't seem very... action-y, if you get what I mean. He's stabbing it 'while wondering if it was just a hallucination'. It makes the situation not very threatening, the stakes must not be high if he can causally wonder about the situation as he's being attacked. Not to mention, the suddenness of the attack and the danger would have filled him with adrenaline; shock would only come after the situation ended. He shouldn't really be feeling numb as he's fighting. I would suggest shortening the sentences, adding interruptions, abruptly breaking off, etc. Sentence structure plays a pretty big part in the speed of action. That and adding some foreshadowing before it, fog is a great atmosphere for tension and you could make it a sort of 'calm before the storm' or 'silent forest due to predator' kind of scene. Adding some suspense can make it so that the tentacles startle both him and the reader.


The last thing really, is the whole dedicating his last moments to finding out the source of light thing. It's not very logical. Considering he's drowning, a person's first thought would be to get air and to get to the surface, not to investigate a random, glowing throne. Can you even lunge underwater? Where do all the animals/creatures/etc. even come from? It's similar to the squid thing where there's no tension, everything just... happens. Even something like seeing eyes around him or feeling watched would help.


I'm not sure if this is the kind of critique you're looking for. But if i'm being too harsh, I apologize. Just keep writing and you'll definitely get better!

 

[Karlore]

Overall, I think the story is pretty good. It definitely has a very interesting premise. It gives a sort of origin story/legend feel which I definitely like.

thanks! It was written as the origin story of a human who becomes a god, so that's what I was going for.

Spoiler

As for critique... haha I'm probably not the best person for this but I'll tell you what I think.


In the first paragraph, I would suggest removing the 'had' in the second sentence. One, it keeps everything in the same tense but mainly it's because you started the story with 'Once'. Using that gives it the sort of impression that it's being spoken so keeping it in the same tense makes it in chronological order. This is a pretty minor thing though.


In the attack from the squid, it doesn't seem very... action-y, if you get what I mean. He's stabbing it 'while wondering if it was just a hallucination'. It makes the situation not very threatening, the stakes must not be high if he can causally wonder about the situation as he's being attacked. Not to mention, the suddenness of the attack and the danger would have filled him with adrenaline; shock would only come after the situation ended. He shouldn't really be feeling numb as he's fighting. I would suggest shortening the sentences, adding interruptions, abruptly breaking off, etc. Sentence structure plays a pretty big part in the speed of action. That and adding some foreshadowing before it, fog is a great atmosphere for tension and you could make it a sort of 'calm before the storm' or 'silent forest due to predator' kind of scene. Adding some suspense can make it so that the tentacles startle both him and the reader.


The last thing really, is the whole dedicating his last moments to finding out the source of light thing. It's not very logical. Considering he's drowning, a person's first thought would be to get air and to get to the surface, not to investigate a random, glowing throne. Can you even lunge underwater? Where do all the animals/creatures/etc. even come from? It's similar to the squid thing where there's no tension, everything just... happens. Even something like seeing eyes around him or feeling watched would help.


I'm not sure if this is the kind of critique you're looking for. But if i'm being too harsh, I apologize. Just keep writing and you'll definitely get better!


No, it isn't too harsh. I appreciate your feedback

 

[Epiphany]

Since you asked...


Like Raspberryrose, agreed on the squid action scene. Action's hard to write for anyone. One tip is to pace out spots of thoughtfulness and stick them in spots where there's a break in the action. For example, he stabs the squid's tentacle, stabs it four or five times. A tentacle whips out and knocks him against a railing. He pauses there, catching his breath and wondering if this was just a hallucination brought on by food or water deprivation. Then another tentacle snakes over the railing he's next to so he stabs it next.


If you want to punch up the action, pace it out too. Do some back and forth. Your protagonist does something, followed by the environment reacting (planks creak as he pivots with a thrust or a bit of ocean spray is kicked up in his face as he ducks a tentacle). And of course, antagonist reaction. Don't skip turns with expressions like "he stabbed the bulk half a hundred times with no effect". Instead, he thrusts in two or three times and a tentacle reacts. He stabs a few more times and the boat groans as the mass of the squid starts to rise. Just spread it out a little.


Your overall pacing's not bad, though, better than most. I especially appreciate your eye for space. You've got nice paragraph spacing and nice length of paragraph, it makes your whole story very readable.


Be mindful of active vs. passive voice. "He was sitting atop it" is more passive than "He sat atop it", for example.


In general, one of the big adages writers use is to show, not tell. It's harder to show entirely through description without telling, though (at least it is for me). This particular piece requires it because you have a solitary actor with no one to talk to. But in future, you may find your story moves more naturally if you're able to interject dialogue even in bits throughout. Even the man speaking to himself presents an opportunity, for not only does he make a statement instead of the author just describing but we also get some of his personality shown, rather than told.


Your ending's a little abrupt. You might close out all that description with some kind of summation.


All in all, a good effort and a good read. Held my attention from beginning to end and that's an accomplishment on its own.

 

[Karlore]

Since you asked...
Like Raspberryrose, agreed on the squid action scene. Action's hard to write for anyone. One tip is to pace out spots of thoughtfulness and stick them in spots where there's a break in the action. For example, he stabs the squid's tentacle, stabs it four or five times. A tentacle whips out and knocks him against a railing. He pauses there, catching his breath and wondering if this was just a hallucination brought on by food or water deprivation. Then another tentacle snakes over the railing he's next to so he stabs it next.


If you want to punch up the action, pace it out too. Do some back and forth. Your protagonist does something, followed by the environment reacting (planks creak as he pivots with a thrust or a bit of ocean spray is kicked up in his face as he ducks a tentacle). And of course, antagonist reaction. Don't skip turns with expressions like "he stabbed the bulk half a hundred times with no effect". Instead, he thrusts in two or three times and a tentacle reacts. He stabs a few more times and the boat groans as the mass of the squid starts to rise. Just spread it out a little.


Your overall pacing's not bad, though, better than most. I especially appreciate your eye for space. You've got nice paragraph spacing and nice length of paragraph, it makes your whole story very readable.


Be mindful of active vs. passive voice. "He was sitting atop it" is more passive than "He sat atop it", for example.


In general, one of the big adages writers use is to show, not tell. It's harder to show entirely through description without telling, though (at least it is for me). This particular piece requires it because you have a solitary actor with no one to talk to. But in future, you may find your story moves more naturally if you're able to interject dialogue even in bits throughout. Even the man speaking to himself presents an opportunity, for not only does he make a statement instead of the author just describing but we also get some of his personality shown, rather than told.


Your ending's a little abrupt. You might close out all that description with some kind of summation.


All in all, a good effort and a good read. Held my attention from beginning to end and that's an accomplishment on its own.

Thanks! This was extremely helpful.