Story Say something about the last thing someone wrote!

[Tohoak]

Hey! We have this on Nanowrimo so I thought I would bribg it over here! Post the last thing(or just somthing) you wrote. It can be a a couple lines or a paragraph, but try to keep it decently short. The next person that post has to say something(hopefully helpful or encourging) about your peice. Then they put their peice. Got it?
I'll start.

Mine:
Kane took a large bite out of his apple. Chewing with a closed mouth, for the sake of decency, he studied Hunter's face.
"Where is Tohoak?" Hunter asked. There was no politeness about his asking. It sounded more like an accusation. Kane shrugged and took another bite from the apple. After swallowing he spoke.
"How should I know? Last time I saw the girl was when I arrived at your camp," he said regarding his apple. It was now only the core; nothing tasteful. He sighed and tossed the core toward Hunter who sidestepped it.
"Your son is missing as well," Hunter said coolly.

 

[Seldil]

Oh this looks cool I actually just heard about Nanowrimo last week.


About yours the dialogue is clear and I had a good sense of what was going on. It left me with a lot of questions I wanted answers to so if there was more I would keep reading.



My turn:

Valen strapped himself into the seat as he saw Kevar checking the ammunition in his shotgun for what had to be the third time since getting on the shuttle. Unlike the rest of the raid team the two of them were not wearing armor or caring submachine pistols. They were dressed to fit in with the pirates on the station. And that meant civilian guns or maybe even illegal slug throwers. The kind not safe to fire inside a station. Kevar's shotgun was taken from an evidence locker. It could fire the old style lead shot shells, although it was loaded with polymer pellets designed to break into dust if they hit anything harder than cloth or flesh. Granted they would be useless against an armored opponent but they also wouldn't punch holes in the walls of the station or damage crucial components. Valen still wore his sword; it wouldn't draw too much attention on the station. In his shoulder holster he carried an old civilian model hand gun. The kind that fired low velocity acrylic slugs. “Ten seconds” the pilot called over the intercom. Valen watched the clock count down. Kevar checked the ammo in his shotgun. Gravity fell away and they drifted against the straps of their seats. The pilot hit the drive and they were slammed back down.

 

[Tohoak]

Seldil: Great job! The tension is well spread and placed! I also can already put myself in Kevar and Valen's places. This is good because now I can relate and share a bond with a character! You did well with giving them emotions just by showing their actions and you did well in describing what is going on! Again, Great job!

Mine:
"I am a bringer of Justice my girl. I am an Equalizer. Through me this city will have no one person better than another. Everyone will have the same power. They will be the same in their skills. I am Jezebel," Jezebel said.
"Save the speech for later! It's nothing but lies!" Kane snapped. Jezebel ignored him and focused on Hunter instead. The gun was now pointed at her.
"Hunter, I had hoped we would meet in better circumstances. We do share the same values after all," she smiled sadly at him and for a moment the gun lowered slightly.
"Hunter!" Kane barked. The gun went back up. Kane stared at the leader of the Protectors with his eyebrows raised and his mouth hanging slightly ajar. Hunter shot a quick look at Kane. Then Kane saw it. There was a dazed look in Hunter's eyes. Jezebel was doing something to him. "She-" that was all Kane managed to say. Jezebel had only needed to glance at the Decimators. What she wanted had been understood without words.
The stunning gun had been raised and fired. Kane crumpled to the ground.