Venom Adhamm
No one is ever going to want me
The struggle of a man in a post-apocalyptic world as he tries desperately to get the only thing he's ever wanted from life.
Thank you for reading.
The Heaviest Heart
PART I - The Stone That Tipped the Scale
-World Serpent
-If Only For a Day
-I Am Sisyphus
-The Thing That's Killing Him
-A Few Weeks Later
-Someday in the Snow
-The Neon Tower Rises
-Movement of the Scale
-Withering Willow
-Theodicy
-You Won't Make It
-Fate Sealed
PART II - A House for Demons
-Our Chains
-A Gate Closed Behind Us
-Flower That Failed to Bloom
-Disease Progression
-Home
-Dark Garden
-Hold Me
-A Glimpse of the Outside
-The Question
-Sisyphus Falls
-Are You Still in Pain?
PART III - Just World?
-Acid Melts Its Vessel
-Anything You Want
-Demon in Decay
-On Desperate Ground
-Derealization
-Ego Death
-Name of the Beast
-Will It Always Be Like This?
-Hirate
-The Heaviest Heart
-Behold, the World
---
PART I - The Stone That Tipped the Scale
World Serpent
If Only For a Day
I Am Sisyphus
The Thing That's Killing Him
A Few Weeks Later
Someday in the Snow
The Neon Tower Rises
Movement of the Scale
Withering Willow
Theodicy
You Won't Make It
Fate Sealed
---
PART II - A House For Demons
Our Chains
A Gate Closed Behind Us
Flower That Failed to Bloom
Disease Progression
Home
Dark Garden
Hold Me
A Glimpse of the Outside
The Question
Sisyphus Falls
Are You Still in Pain?
---
PART III - Just World?
Acid Melts Its Vessel
Anything You Want
Demon in Decay
On Desperate Ground
Derealization
Ego Death
Name of the Beast
Will It Always Be Like This?
Hirate
The Heaviest Heart
Behold, the World
Thank you for reading.
The Heaviest Heart
PART I - The Stone That Tipped the Scale
-World Serpent
-If Only For a Day
-I Am Sisyphus
-The Thing That's Killing Him
-A Few Weeks Later
-Someday in the Snow
-The Neon Tower Rises
-Movement of the Scale
-Withering Willow
-Theodicy
-You Won't Make It
-Fate Sealed
PART II - A House for Demons
-Our Chains
-A Gate Closed Behind Us
-Flower That Failed to Bloom
-Disease Progression
-Home
-Dark Garden
-Hold Me
-A Glimpse of the Outside
-The Question
-Sisyphus Falls
-Are You Still in Pain?
PART III - Just World?
-Acid Melts Its Vessel
-Anything You Want
-Demon in Decay
-On Desperate Ground
-Derealization
-Ego Death
-Name of the Beast
-Will It Always Be Like This?
-Hirate
-The Heaviest Heart
-Behold, the World
---
PART I - The Stone That Tipped the Scale
World Serpent
I've been going around in circles lately
Gnawing at the ugliest parts of me
Trying to chew off whatever I can't stand
Let the sun blacken and blot
Let an icy Hell stretch out over land
The end of the world is en route
I just hope it won't get too loud
When the seas shift and stir
These old scars sting and burn
The blood-black bile drips from my cuts
World'll stop before this pain ever does
Life will end before I get what's mine
I'm a vile beast that's been clinging to the same tired thing
But don't we all need some warmth in the unending winter?
I've been suffocating alone all this time, and I can't make it stop
No matter how long I spend wrapped around your finger
A disease that knows no curing
A fight that knows no end
Nobody is ever coming
Nobody is ever coming
Nobody is ever coming
And why would they?
Who would want to help me?
Who would want to warm these tired bones?
Who would want to love this wretched body?
There ain't a good thing to me
There ain't a part of me worth saving
I'm hacking off every useless bit
Every finger that's not intertwined with another
Every flap of skin that's not felt intimacy
I'm going to destroy my body before the big freeze hits
I'm going to tear apart this flesh prison I've been trapped in
I'll throw every limb down the drain
I'll drain out every drop of black blood
This body's caused so much pain
I'm only returning the favor
I've been going around in circles lately
Clawing at this cross you put on me
Nobody would ever raise me from this endless low
And so, and so, and so
I let go.
Gnawing at the ugliest parts of me
Trying to chew off whatever I can't stand
Let the sun blacken and blot
Let an icy Hell stretch out over land
The end of the world is en route
I just hope it won't get too loud
When the seas shift and stir
These old scars sting and burn
The blood-black bile drips from my cuts
World'll stop before this pain ever does
Life will end before I get what's mine
I'm a vile beast that's been clinging to the same tired thing
But don't we all need some warmth in the unending winter?
I've been suffocating alone all this time, and I can't make it stop
No matter how long I spend wrapped around your finger
A disease that knows no curing
A fight that knows no end
Nobody is ever coming
Nobody is ever coming
Nobody is ever coming
And why would they?
Who would want to help me?
Who would want to warm these tired bones?
Who would want to love this wretched body?
There ain't a good thing to me
There ain't a part of me worth saving
I'm hacking off every useless bit
Every finger that's not intertwined with another
Every flap of skin that's not felt intimacy
I'm going to destroy my body before the big freeze hits
I'm going to tear apart this flesh prison I've been trapped in
I'll throw every limb down the drain
I'll drain out every drop of black blood
This body's caused so much pain
I'm only returning the favor
I've been going around in circles lately
Clawing at this cross you put on me
Nobody would ever raise me from this endless low
And so, and so, and so
I let go.
If Only For a Day
If only for a day,
If I could have my way
The clouds would part
The snow would melt
This frigid winter would come to an end
And the birds could sing free once again
If only for a day,
If I could have my way
The ice around my heart would melt too
Someone would come along and hold me close
Someone to whisper sweetly "I love you, and only you"
Someone to give me what I've needed the most
If only for a day,
If I could have my way
I think I'd finally feel okay
If only for a day.
If I could have my way
The clouds would part
The snow would melt
This frigid winter would come to an end
And the birds could sing free once again
If only for a day,
If I could have my way
The ice around my heart would melt too
Someone would come along and hold me close
Someone to whisper sweetly "I love you, and only you"
Someone to give me what I've needed the most
If only for a day,
If I could have my way
I think I'd finally feel okay
If only for a day.
I Am Sisyphus
Got a bag over my face
Hiding just another disfigured disgrace
No one wants to see that
Fire, hail, and Hell don't bother me at all
I'm just as miserable as the day before the sky turned black
Still trapped in this lifeless life of falderal
Pushing my stone up the mountain just to watch it fall
I was cold even in the summer heat
I didn't notice when the Serpent finally let go
Won't you help me?
If I called out from the streets, would you stop for me?
If I just wanted to hold a hand, would you oblige me?
I could keep you safe from the cold, bring you out to wherever you wanna go
Won't you love me?
It feels like I'm drowning in the blackest of tar
Who's the madman who put me behind bars?
Who laid these black bricks down?
Who threw me to the hounds?
I can't even remember how I got here
Who do I have to blame?
Was it the men who like to play around outside?
Or was it the boy before you that turned himself in?
Not that it matters, it's all the same
I've been here so long I've forgotten my name
Tear up the skin on my knuckles
Bloody these black brick walls
Slam against the bars until my body breaks
Shout at the Heavens until my tongue goes numb
I swear this is not who I am
I can be good, I swear, I swear
I'm just a bit worse for wear
As I roll my boulder up the mountain
I lose more and more of myself
I'm awful, I'm rotten
Unlovable, unfixable
Listless and useless
I am Sisyphus
Hiding just another disfigured disgrace
No one wants to see that
Fire, hail, and Hell don't bother me at all
I'm just as miserable as the day before the sky turned black
Still trapped in this lifeless life of falderal
Pushing my stone up the mountain just to watch it fall
I was cold even in the summer heat
I didn't notice when the Serpent finally let go
Won't you help me?
If I called out from the streets, would you stop for me?
If I just wanted to hold a hand, would you oblige me?
I could keep you safe from the cold, bring you out to wherever you wanna go
Won't you love me?
It feels like I'm drowning in the blackest of tar
Who's the madman who put me behind bars?
Who laid these black bricks down?
Who threw me to the hounds?
I can't even remember how I got here
Who do I have to blame?
Was it the men who like to play around outside?
Or was it the boy before you that turned himself in?
Not that it matters, it's all the same
I've been here so long I've forgotten my name
Tear up the skin on my knuckles
Bloody these black brick walls
Slam against the bars until my body breaks
Shout at the Heavens until my tongue goes numb
I swear this is not who I am
I can be good, I swear, I swear
I'm just a bit worse for wear
As I roll my boulder up the mountain
I lose more and more of myself
I'm awful, I'm rotten
Unlovable, unfixable
Listless and useless
I am Sisyphus
The Thing That's Killing Him
I got a parasite
With each day it multiplies
And it won't stop till the day I die
I got some monster in me
It's crawling through my arteries
Spreading its poison through me
Tearing apart the insides of my body
I got something that's killing me
Think it passed down in the womb
Though they may say it's innane
I think it's rotting my brain
It's gonna be the death of me
It's been around since '99
Things are getting darker
And the blood is running colder
I can scream and cry for help
Try to bleed the toxins from my systems
But it ain't going nowhere
Not until the day I die
With each day it multiplies
And it won't stop till the day I die
I got some monster in me
It's crawling through my arteries
Spreading its poison through me
Tearing apart the insides of my body
I got something that's killing me
Think it passed down in the womb
Though they may say it's innane
I think it's rotting my brain
It's gonna be the death of me
It's been around since '99
Things are getting darker
And the blood is running colder
I can scream and cry for help
Try to bleed the toxins from my systems
But it ain't going nowhere
Not until the day I die
A Few Weeks Later
Another block went down last night
Power cut just as the cold came around
Another thousand lives gone without a fight
Life moves on
Power cut just as the cold came around
Another thousand lives gone without a fight
Life moves on
Someday in the Snow
I hope we'll all make it someday
It's been real rough on you
And even when things start to look up
The stone just rolls right back down
Down, down, down into the snow below
And all you can do is follow
Descend and take the weight once more
It feels like they keep moving the goal
No matter how far you march,
How long you struggle,
How much you suffer,
It never feels like you're getting any closer
It always fades into the horizon
Forever keeping just in sight
And just out of reach
But I still hope
That someday, the stone will stay up
Someday, the mountain can be scaled
Someday, we'll all be healed
And someday, we'll all be loved
Who am I kidding?
Some days will never come
It's been real rough on you
And even when things start to look up
The stone just rolls right back down
Down, down, down into the snow below
And all you can do is follow
Descend and take the weight once more
It feels like they keep moving the goal
No matter how far you march,
How long you struggle,
How much you suffer,
It never feels like you're getting any closer
It always fades into the horizon
Forever keeping just in sight
And just out of reach
But I still hope
That someday, the stone will stay up
Someday, the mountain can be scaled
Someday, we'll all be healed
And someday, we'll all be loved
Who am I kidding?
Some days will never come
The Neon Tower Rises
In the center of the snowy wastes
Rose a structure of metal and neon tubes
A beacon to the worms that had lost their way
The Neon Tower split both ground and cloud
It pierced the Heavens, made itself greater than God
Where He refused us light, the Neon Tower glowed bright
Spirals of steel, columns of color
The lost and forgotten, the damned and rotten
All look with hope towards the Neon Tower
As did its light break the dark
So too did its voice crack the silence
"Come to me, you tired, you poor,
Come to me, you who have suffered,
To all, I promise hope and meaning
But to the one who can ascend my earthly form
I shall grant their deepest desire
Flock to me, you who cannot bear your pain
Flock to me, you who beg for more from this deserted plain
A miracle awaits you in this accursed land
Come and seek it."
They left their shanties and cities in droves
Slaves of desire, they made haste to the Neon Tower
Sheep to the spire, all sent for slaughter to the Neon Tower
Fruit of the world, everyone finds hope in the Neon Tower
Rose a structure of metal and neon tubes
A beacon to the worms that had lost their way
The Neon Tower split both ground and cloud
It pierced the Heavens, made itself greater than God
Where He refused us light, the Neon Tower glowed bright
Spirals of steel, columns of color
The lost and forgotten, the damned and rotten
All look with hope towards the Neon Tower
As did its light break the dark
So too did its voice crack the silence
"Come to me, you tired, you poor,
Come to me, you who have suffered,
To all, I promise hope and meaning
But to the one who can ascend my earthly form
I shall grant their deepest desire
Flock to me, you who cannot bear your pain
Flock to me, you who beg for more from this deserted plain
A miracle awaits you in this accursed land
Come and seek it."
They left their shanties and cities in droves
Slaves of desire, they made haste to the Neon Tower
Sheep to the spire, all sent for slaughter to the Neon Tower
Fruit of the world, everyone finds hope in the Neon Tower
Movement of the Scale
Nothing moves Sisyphus
That's what they say
I don't get up for the sun
I don't get up when the apocalypse comes
I don't get up for the church bell
I don't get up at all these days
I just hide away in my cell
But when the Neon Tower rose
I could hear its words reverberate
The silence sliced by its echoes
I thought it spoke directly to me
A storm had claimed my mind
But the Tower calmed my fragile sea
An end to pain
A start to calm
Blossom bright in the rain
And hold life in my palm
It was an offer I couldn't refuse
In that instant, all the bricks came loose
The metal bars melted, the walls tore down
In the rubble, I felt it
What eluded me for all my years
In the Tower's words, I found it
What I needed for all my life
In the bottom of my heart, I had it
God's curse for Man: hope
That's what they say
I don't get up for the sun
I don't get up when the apocalypse comes
I don't get up for the church bell
I don't get up at all these days
I just hide away in my cell
But when the Neon Tower rose
I could hear its words reverberate
The silence sliced by its echoes
I thought it spoke directly to me
A storm had claimed my mind
But the Tower calmed my fragile sea
An end to pain
A start to calm
Blossom bright in the rain
And hold life in my palm
It was an offer I couldn't refuse
In that instant, all the bricks came loose
The metal bars melted, the walls tore down
In the rubble, I felt it
What eluded me for all my years
In the Tower's words, I found it
What I needed for all my life
In the bottom of my heart, I had it
God's curse for Man: hope
Withering Willow
Millions of people out on the road
Some with loved ones, some alone
But those who held hand-in-hand
They could not make the climb
The Tower demands desperation
And lonely trees are the most desperate of all
Some with loved ones, some alone
But those who held hand-in-hand
They could not make the climb
The Tower demands desperation
And lonely trees are the most desperate of all
Theodicy
They were scattered all around the Tower
These travelers who followed the road for weeks
Just to hit the ground, bleed out and die within the hour
The ones who climbed the farthest fell the hardest
The most broken of souls just broke even more
Failure was the only thing I saw
Everyone fails in the end
Wonder who wrote that law?
Everyone falls in the end
Who's the one that let us drop?
Everyone breaks in the end
Will God take responsibility for once?
He's not answering.
These travelers who followed the road for weeks
Just to hit the ground, bleed out and die within the hour
The ones who climbed the farthest fell the hardest
The most broken of souls just broke even more
Failure was the only thing I saw
Everyone fails in the end
Wonder who wrote that law?
Everyone falls in the end
Who's the one that let us drop?
Everyone breaks in the end
Will God take responsibility for once?
He's not answering.
You Won't Make It
"Come in, you who are tired, bitter, and sour
Dare to ascend my steps, dare to take what is yours
Those bodies and minds were all too weak
Do you have the strength to take what you seek?"
A flash of light as the Tower peered into my soul
Another as it poured through my spirit
And a final spark as it peeked into my future
I could feel the pity in its voice as it spoke
"What are you going to do, Sisyphus?
Come in and struggle like always?
That's all you know how to do
You think you'll be able to make it up
You think you have a chance this time
There's nowhere else to turn to
You need to make the climb
And I know you've had it rough but...
Don't bother.
You are not strong enough."
Dare to ascend my steps, dare to take what is yours
Those bodies and minds were all too weak
Do you have the strength to take what you seek?"
A flash of light as the Tower peered into my soul
Another as it poured through my spirit
And a final spark as it peeked into my future
I could feel the pity in its voice as it spoke
"What are you going to do, Sisyphus?
Come in and struggle like always?
That's all you know how to do
You think you'll be able to make it up
You think you have a chance this time
There's nowhere else to turn to
You need to make the climb
And I know you've had it rough but...
Don't bother.
You are not strong enough."
Fate Sealed
No one would know if he was gone
He had nothing to leave behind
There was no choice but to go on
Sisyphus must climb
He had nothing to leave behind
There was no choice but to go on
Sisyphus must climb
---
PART II - A House For Demons
Our Chains
What we leave behind always pulls us back
Our regrets become our chains
And here, our chains are made manifest
Anything worth gaining is gated by a test
But nothing could've prepared me for this one
The steps I climbed spiraled and spun around me
Cold stone beneath my feet
A warm light beyond my reach
My senses were soon taken by a haunting familiarity
The howling of schoolchildren
The uncomfortable laughter of women
Hateful words and desperate ignorance
Bullets fired as part of an unending war
Haven't I been here before?
I know I've...
Our regrets become our chains
And here, our chains are made manifest
Anything worth gaining is gated by a test
But nothing could've prepared me for this one
The steps I climbed spiraled and spun around me
Cold stone beneath my feet
A warm light beyond my reach
My senses were soon taken by a haunting familiarity
The howling of schoolchildren
The uncomfortable laughter of women
Hateful words and desperate ignorance
Bullets fired as part of an unending war
Haven't I been here before?
I know I've...
A Gate Closed Behind Us
...seen this all before
The last day of innocence was the quickest
Here and gone before I could realize it
All the things we tried to do
All the things we wanted to
They're all trapped in the past now
There's no going back now
I'm looking on from between the chain-links
The bell rings and they're off to the race
They go at it like animals
Beasts driven by the steer of desire
But when it's over, their eyes meet and they feel more human than before
LEDs on their screens
Neon lights to brighten the scene
It doesn't matter how you light it
Their young love's so clear to see
Why couldn't I have that chance to be happy?
I can't help but wish I got a shot at that
But now I'm stuck with this weight upon my back
When we're past the line, we can't turn around
We've missed our chance, we missed the mark
A single chance, and we don't get another one
You will never experience young love
I'm looking through the gate
At children half my age
Watching as they hug
As they kiss
As they love
More intimate than I've ever been
Why couldn't that be me?
I'm looking through the gate
You weren't the only one that never loved me
I knew there was never a chance
Why does it hurt so much to be right?
All the times I cried for you
All the times I needed you
It's all gone to the past now
There's no going back.
The last day of innocence was the quickest
Here and gone before I could realize it
All the things we tried to do
All the things we wanted to
They're all trapped in the past now
There's no going back now
I'm looking on from between the chain-links
The bell rings and they're off to the race
They go at it like animals
Beasts driven by the steer of desire
But when it's over, their eyes meet and they feel more human than before
LEDs on their screens
Neon lights to brighten the scene
It doesn't matter how you light it
Their young love's so clear to see
Why couldn't I have that chance to be happy?
I can't help but wish I got a shot at that
But now I'm stuck with this weight upon my back
When we're past the line, we can't turn around
We've missed our chance, we missed the mark
A single chance, and we don't get another one
You will never experience young love
I'm looking through the gate
At children half my age
Watching as they hug
As they kiss
As they love
More intimate than I've ever been
Why couldn't that be me?
I'm looking through the gate
You weren't the only one that never loved me
I knew there was never a chance
Why does it hurt so much to be right?
All the times I cried for you
All the times I needed you
It's all gone to the past now
There's no going back.
Flower That Failed to Bloom
>Hey, I found this cozy little cafe near Central. Wondering if you might wanna go with me this weekend if you're free?
...
>sounds cool, sure!
I saw you in the walls of the Tower
The only girl to that gave me a chance
I think more of you in each passing hour
But I haven't been on your mind since then
I know you don't have the time to spare me a thought
But I just wanted you to know
Thank you
You were a warm cabin in the snow
A minute's respite from a world so cold
But I was too broken, too tired
It's okay
There was nothing worth fixing anyway
>The stars are going to be bright tonight, do you wanna go see them with me?
...
...
...
To the only girl that gave me a chance,
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry I couldn't be good enough
I hope you found someone
I wish I could've seen the stars with you
It's too late for that anyway
There's not a single light in the sky
...
>sounds cool, sure!
I saw you in the walls of the Tower
The only girl to that gave me a chance
I think more of you in each passing hour
But I haven't been on your mind since then
I know you don't have the time to spare me a thought
But I just wanted you to know
Thank you
You were a warm cabin in the snow
A minute's respite from a world so cold
But I was too broken, too tired
It's okay
There was nothing worth fixing anyway
>The stars are going to be bright tonight, do you wanna go see them with me?
...
...
...
To the only girl that gave me a chance,
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry I couldn't be good enough
I hope you found someone
I wish I could've seen the stars with you
It's too late for that anyway
There's not a single light in the sky
Disease Progression
I feel it fester in me, that life-sucking bug
That wretched creature living in my blood
Stretching its tendrils into my brain
It's the thing that's killing me
The longer I go, the harder to breathe
Is it getting darker in here, or is it just me?
That wretched creature living in my blood
Stretching its tendrils into my brain
It's the thing that's killing me
The longer I go, the harder to breathe
Is it getting darker in here, or is it just me?
Home
Home is where the warmth is
Where you're raised and cared for
Where siblings make war
And sweet memories to wash ashore
Home is where the love is
No matter who's there to give it
A friend or brother
A visitor or lover
The one place you know you're safe
Supported by the ones that...
Home is where the storm is
The raging tempest that won't let up
But even its winds can't drown the crying
How many times have you broken down in this room?
How many times have you gone mad in the lonely void?
Like a wild beast in a concrete cage
Or a demon deafened by the Seraphim's horn
I know no peace in this room
I have no happy memories between these walls
They turn to screens that replay every ugly scene
All those violent breakdowns, every attempt to make it stop
And I still don't know how to keep from falling apart
Won't somebody give me a better home?
Where you're raised and cared for
Where siblings make war
And sweet memories to wash ashore
Home is where the love is
No matter who's there to give it
A friend or brother
A visitor or lover
The one place you know you're safe
Supported by the ones that...
Home is where the storm is
The raging tempest that won't let up
But even its winds can't drown the crying
How many times have you broken down in this room?
How many times have you gone mad in the lonely void?
Like a wild beast in a concrete cage
Or a demon deafened by the Seraphim's horn
I know no peace in this room
I have no happy memories between these walls
They turn to screens that replay every ugly scene
All those violent breakdowns, every attempt to make it stop
And I still don't know how to keep from falling apart
Won't somebody give me a better home?
Dark Garden
Smoke fills my lungs
A toxic fog descends upon the room
Particles illuminated by the purple light
As it suffocates the flowers that failed to bloom
Every dead petal a dream that didn't come true
All eaten away by some heartless parasite
I can feel myself starting to wither away too
There's regret behind every corner
Horror in every shadow
Every breath, every step, every second
It just keeps getting heavier
I have to push on even if this body breaks
But how much longer until I feel okay?
A toxic fog descends upon the room
Particles illuminated by the purple light
As it suffocates the flowers that failed to bloom
Every dead petal a dream that didn't come true
All eaten away by some heartless parasite
I can feel myself starting to wither away too
There's regret behind every corner
Horror in every shadow
Every breath, every step, every second
It just keeps getting heavier
I have to push on even if this body breaks
But how much longer until I feel okay?
Hold Me
Hold me, it's cold
I don't wanna keep going like this
I don't wanna keep living like this
I need to be held
I need someone to tell me it's gonna be okay
Can anyone help me?
Can anyone relate?
I don't wanna keep going like this
I don't wanna keep living like this
I need to be held
I need someone to tell me it's gonna be okay
Can anyone help me?
Can anyone relate?
A Glimpse of the Outside
There's a lot of people out there
The ones who dare not enter
But they didn't have to
They've got what we need
There's a lot of people out there
Who have someone that cares
They don't need to make the climb
They've got what we need
There's a lot of people out there
Who've got someone to hold them tight
To love them, to keep them
From succumbing to the cold of the world
I don't want to make this climb
But I don't have what I need
Why does everyone else get it?
Why am I the only one left out?
Why...?
The ones who dare not enter
But they didn't have to
They've got what we need
There's a lot of people out there
Who have someone that cares
They don't need to make the climb
They've got what we need
There's a lot of people out there
Who've got someone to hold them tight
To love them, to keep them
From succumbing to the cold of the world
I don't want to make this climb
But I don't have what I need
Why does everyone else get it?
Why am I the only one left out?
Why...?
The Question
Why?
The syllable resounds through my head, never stopping, never giving way to anything else. Why? Why? Why? Again, it beats. Again and again, beating against the soft walls of my broken mind. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
What the fuck is wrong with me? Someone please fucking help me. I'm fucking tired. Why won't anyone do something? Why won't anyone think of me? Why am I such an awful person? Why can't I think of anyone besides myself? Why can't anything make me happy? Why can't a single girl look at me and see something worth loving? Why won't Death just take me? Why do I go on and on, knowing nothing but suffering awaits me? Why do I continue to climb, knowing I will never reach the top?
Why?
The syllable resounds through my head, never stopping, never giving way to anything else. Why? Why? Why? Again, it beats. Again and again, beating against the soft walls of my broken mind. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
What the fuck is wrong with me? Someone please fucking help me. I'm fucking tired. Why won't anyone do something? Why won't anyone think of me? Why am I such an awful person? Why can't I think of anyone besides myself? Why can't anything make me happy? Why can't a single girl look at me and see something worth loving? Why won't Death just take me? Why do I go on and on, knowing nothing but suffering awaits me? Why do I continue to climb, knowing I will never reach the top?
Why?
Sisyphus Falls
The mind is willing, but the vessel is weak
My knees buckle beneath the weight as I try to press on
All it takes is one mistake to fall too far down
All it takes is one mistake to hit the ground
And we are all too often unable to pick ourselves up
Every step is just more weight
How much longer?
I can't see through to the top
But was it ever really there?
I've never gotten what I want
Why would now be different?
The mind is weak, but the body is weaker
Memories pierce this shattered brain
The chains just keep getting tighter
Vision fades and colors drain
All it takes is one false step, one slip
I'm seeing myself fall, far, far down
All it takes is one sentence of disgust and rejection
To send someone straight into the ground
All it takes is a single word to put someone down
The body is broken
I can't feel my legs
They've gone and mangled themselves up
The fibers torn, they've worked too much
I can't feel my hands
Their digits splay out and twist in grotesque directions
I can't feel my own heart beating
Did something pierce it on the way down?
Or has it always been like this?
My knees buckle beneath the weight as I try to press on
All it takes is one mistake to fall too far down
All it takes is one mistake to hit the ground
And we are all too often unable to pick ourselves up
Every step is just more weight
How much longer?
I can't see through to the top
But was it ever really there?
I've never gotten what I want
Why would now be different?
The mind is weak, but the body is weaker
Memories pierce this shattered brain
The chains just keep getting tighter
Vision fades and colors drain
All it takes is one false step, one slip
I'm seeing myself fall, far, far down
All it takes is one sentence of disgust and rejection
To send someone straight into the ground
All it takes is a single word to put someone down
The body is broken
I can't feel my legs
They've gone and mangled themselves up
The fibers torn, they've worked too much
I can't feel my hands
Their digits splay out and twist in grotesque directions
I can't feel my own heart beating
Did something pierce it on the way down?
Or has it always been like this?
Are You Still in Pain?
It's over.
Don't say it, I know it's over
The stone that tipped the scale
The flowers that grew far too frail
All together now, all in the past now
All drowned out by the rain
Are you still in pain?
We have dreams when we're younger
All the places we'd like to go
The people we want to get close to
The once-in-a-lifetime experiences we'd like to have
But the clock ticks on at a steady pace
It doesn't care if you're there or late
Your chance is taken by the thunder
And the clouds hide you from summer's rays
Are you still in pain?
Tracing along the faded scars
Sometimes I can feel the blade's phantom
Still tearing across my skin as I try to feel something
To feel anything, anything at all
Everything washes off in the end
It all drips down into the drain
Are you still in pain?
I dreamt of a girl once
Who I could wake up beside
Her loving smile, her caring eyes
And she'd wrap her arms around me
Hold me close for as long as she could
Press my nose into her short mess of hair
I thought one day she'd be real
But she never came
Are you still in pain?
Don't say it, I know it's over
The stone that tipped the scale
The flowers that grew far too frail
All together now, all in the past now
All drowned out by the rain
Are you still in pain?
We have dreams when we're younger
All the places we'd like to go
The people we want to get close to
The once-in-a-lifetime experiences we'd like to have
But the clock ticks on at a steady pace
It doesn't care if you're there or late
Your chance is taken by the thunder
And the clouds hide you from summer's rays
Are you still in pain?
Tracing along the faded scars
Sometimes I can feel the blade's phantom
Still tearing across my skin as I try to feel something
To feel anything, anything at all
Everything washes off in the end
It all drips down into the drain
Are you still in pain?
I dreamt of a girl once
Who I could wake up beside
Her loving smile, her caring eyes
And she'd wrap her arms around me
Hold me close for as long as she could
Press my nose into her short mess of hair
I thought one day she'd be real
But she never came
Are you still in pain?
---
PART III - Just World?
Acid Melts Its Vessel
WHY?!
Why does everyone else get what I want?
Why does everyone else get to enjoy life?
Why does everyone else have someone to hold?
Why does everyone else have someone who cares?
It's all I'm holding out for in this pool of acid
As it's melting my bones and boiling my blood
All I can hope for is someone to pull me out
But no one even looks at me
I just want to be loved for once in this life
But I ain't tall enough to fucking ride
That bastard's got the nicest girl in the world
She's sweet and loving enough to fix anyone
She's got a perfect heart and pretty hair
Bright eyes and a brighter smile
And all I can do is watch her hand-in-hand with him
The way he makes her laugh and smile
The things they do in their bed at night
The moments I'll never have myself
I wish every happy guy could feel like this for a day
A single day is all it'd to break them
No one should be able to last this long
I only want one fucking person
I'm not asking for the world
Just for someone to love me
Why is that so goddamn hard?
"Having a lover isn't all it's cracked up to be. There's more to life than that."
Go fuck yourself
There is nothing else
The parasite got ten times bigger
Why does everyone else get what I want?
Why does everyone else get to enjoy life?
Why does everyone else have someone to hold?
Why does everyone else have someone who cares?
It's all I'm holding out for in this pool of acid
As it's melting my bones and boiling my blood
All I can hope for is someone to pull me out
But no one even looks at me
I just want to be loved for once in this life
But I ain't tall enough to fucking ride
That bastard's got the nicest girl in the world
She's sweet and loving enough to fix anyone
She's got a perfect heart and pretty hair
Bright eyes and a brighter smile
And all I can do is watch her hand-in-hand with him
The way he makes her laugh and smile
The things they do in their bed at night
The moments I'll never have myself
I wish every happy guy could feel like this for a day
A single day is all it'd to break them
No one should be able to last this long
I only want one fucking person
I'm not asking for the world
Just for someone to love me
Why is that so goddamn hard?
"Having a lover isn't all it's cracked up to be. There's more to life than that."
Go fuck yourself
There is nothing else
The parasite got ten times bigger
Anything You Want
I'll get you anything you want
A leather bag or a brand new gown
A shiny necklace or a pair of shoes
I ain't got much at all to my name
But I'll buy anything for you
I'll do anything you want
Would you want someone to confide in?
A warm body to lie beside you?
No, not from me?
You've got someone else in mind?
Then, would you like it better if I just went and died?
A leather bag or a brand new gown
A shiny necklace or a pair of shoes
I ain't got much at all to my name
But I'll buy anything for you
I'll do anything you want
Would you want someone to confide in?
A warm body to lie beside you?
No, not from me?
You've got someone else in mind?
Then, would you like it better if I just went and died?
Demon in Decay
I need to get up
I need to keep going
Even though everything's broken
I've gotta get going
I can't stand, I can't move
There's not a single thing I can do
But there's no choice for men like us
I need to go even though my bones are dust
She's waiting for me at the peak
The desire I've never forgotten
I'd rather die at the top than live at the bottom
I need to keep going
Even though everything's broken
I've gotta get going
I can't stand, I can't move
There's not a single thing I can do
But there's no choice for men like us
I need to go even though my bones are dust
She's waiting for me at the peak
The desire I've never forgotten
I'd rather die at the top than live at the bottom
On Desperate Ground
Like a worm eating dirt
Like maggots towards a carcass
Like a serpent slithering through grass
Like a roach skittering across the floor
I drag this broken body back to the Tower
I've got nowhere else to go
Like maggots towards a carcass
Like a serpent slithering through grass
Like a roach skittering across the floor
I drag this broken body back to the Tower
I've got nowhere else to go
Derealization
We're going up again
Climbing steps once tread
Leaving behind my trail of red
My hands pull the rest of me along
Even though I'm sure I'm dying
I have to just go on with the climbing
The walls feel like they're moving away
And the peak is hidden by the haze
I've forgotten how long I've been in here
I can no longer recall what brought me here
There's a sharp pain every now and then
A shard of some lost memory
Sometimes it feels all too real
All too immediate and all too much
But sometimes nothing feels real at all
Climbing steps once tread
Leaving behind my trail of red
My hands pull the rest of me along
Even though I'm sure I'm dying
I have to just go on with the climbing
The walls feel like they're moving away
And the peak is hidden by the haze
I've forgotten how long I've been in here
I can no longer recall what brought me here
There's a sharp pain every now and then
A shard of some lost memory
Sometimes it feels all too real
All too immediate and all too much
But sometimes nothing feels real at all
Ego Death
Project yourself out in front of me
You tired and pitiful looking thing
You float on along the stairs
A spirit headed to God knows where
You're leaving me behind
Just like everything else has
Like driftwood in a blood-black sea
Hard to believe that was ever me
A mist starts to form
Suffocating my sight
Drowning all in its plight
Everything is getting farther away
My senses numb and my mind grows dull
All these memories start closing in
And I don't know if any of them are mine
They all seem too awful to be real
I can't feel my legs
I can't feel my hands
I can't feel my heart
I can't feel
You tired and pitiful looking thing
You float on along the stairs
A spirit headed to God knows where
You're leaving me behind
Just like everything else has
Like driftwood in a blood-black sea
Hard to believe that was ever me
A mist starts to form
Suffocating my sight
Drowning all in its plight
Everything is getting farther away
My senses numb and my mind grows dull
All these memories start closing in
And I don't know if any of them are mine
They all seem too awful to be real
I can't feel my legs
I can't feel my hands
I can't feel my heart
I can't feel
Name of the Beast
The parasite grows more and more with every minute
Taking up every inch of space in my body
There won't be much left soon
You don't realize when it first takes root
The way it hides in your deepest recesses
Then the world outside starts to awaken it
It rises and stretches, spreading out its weight
It's slow at first
Your mood's a bit low
But the parasite continues to grow
Before you know it, you've lost control
The torment has just begun
You try and you try and you try
You reach out for help from anyone
But nobody is able to understand you
No one else can see it as clear as you do
And people always avoid what they can't comprehend
It feels like nails in your hands and feet
Pinning you up to a cruel cross
You'll break down again and again up there
Until every last tear, every last drop of blood
Every last bit of your will is drained from you
When you can't fight it anymore, the world stops feeling real
You can watch everyone else go about their lives
But you're still trapped no matter how much you try
It's a pall that covers everything in sight
A grotesque darkness that leaves nothing behind
That bastard, that monster, that parasite
That horrid creature drawn from years of isolation and desperation
That awful beast, depression
Taking up every inch of space in my body
There won't be much left soon
You don't realize when it first takes root
The way it hides in your deepest recesses
Then the world outside starts to awaken it
It rises and stretches, spreading out its weight
It's slow at first
Your mood's a bit low
But the parasite continues to grow
Before you know it, you've lost control
The torment has just begun
You try and you try and you try
You reach out for help from anyone
But nobody is able to understand you
No one else can see it as clear as you do
And people always avoid what they can't comprehend
It feels like nails in your hands and feet
Pinning you up to a cruel cross
You'll break down again and again up there
Until every last tear, every last drop of blood
Every last bit of your will is drained from you
When you can't fight it anymore, the world stops feeling real
You can watch everyone else go about their lives
But you're still trapped no matter how much you try
It's a pall that covers everything in sight
A grotesque darkness that leaves nothing behind
That bastard, that monster, that parasite
That horrid creature drawn from years of isolation and desperation
That awful beast, depression
Will It Always Be Like This?
Bricks interlaced with bricks
I don't understand why I'm trapped within them
Fingers intertwined with fingers
I don't understand why I don't get to be among them
Sometimes I don't know why I keep going
I just think I have to move no matter what
Sometimes I don't know why I keep going
I just-
I just don't know
I don't understand why I'm trapped within them
Fingers intertwined with fingers
I don't understand why I don't get to be among them
Sometimes I don't know why I keep going
I just think I have to move no matter what
Sometimes I don't know why I keep going
I just-
I just don't know
Hirate
An angel that I've been praying for
She came before me just as my mind gave out
With a fitted suit and a boy's hairdo
She walked with a strength I've never had
Barely using any of it as she picked me up
Sat me up against a wall and put an arm 'round me
A fading image of what the Tower held for me
A quiet sigh as she looked upon my tired form
"What happened today, dear?"
"Nothing much... It's the same as any other day, really. I've always been like this. Always alone, always unloved. Just waiting on someone, on anyone to love me. That's what it's always been about. That's why I keep struggling on. For the hope that one day, someone might see something in me worth loving. That one day, someone will come along to make me feel human. To love me, hold me close... I just want someone to want me. But... so often it feels like nobody ever gives me a second glance. It feels hopeless to keep going. I just don't know what else to do but to trudge on. To struggle and torment myself while the people around me get to be loved. I want to be a part of that. I want a girl to take me for herself and just love me. But it never happens. No matter how hard I try to be a better man, it's never enough. I'm never enough."
"That must've been hard on you."
"Yeah..."
"It must've been very painful."
"Uh-huh..."
"You've done your best. I'm so proud of you, and I'm so happy I can be with you now. Your suffering is over. This is all you've ever wanted, right? Someone to keep you close, keep you warm..."
I couldn't speak through my tears
They stained her clothes, but still she held me close
She was fading away, but those words in her sweet voice remained in my head
What I've needed to hear for my whole life
"You can make it. I love you."
She came before me just as my mind gave out
With a fitted suit and a boy's hairdo
She walked with a strength I've never had
Barely using any of it as she picked me up
Sat me up against a wall and put an arm 'round me
A fading image of what the Tower held for me
A quiet sigh as she looked upon my tired form
"What happened today, dear?"
"Nothing much... It's the same as any other day, really. I've always been like this. Always alone, always unloved. Just waiting on someone, on anyone to love me. That's what it's always been about. That's why I keep struggling on. For the hope that one day, someone might see something in me worth loving. That one day, someone will come along to make me feel human. To love me, hold me close... I just want someone to want me. But... so often it feels like nobody ever gives me a second glance. It feels hopeless to keep going. I just don't know what else to do but to trudge on. To struggle and torment myself while the people around me get to be loved. I want to be a part of that. I want a girl to take me for herself and just love me. But it never happens. No matter how hard I try to be a better man, it's never enough. I'm never enough."
"That must've been hard on you."
"Yeah..."
"It must've been very painful."
"Uh-huh..."
"You've done your best. I'm so proud of you, and I'm so happy I can be with you now. Your suffering is over. This is all you've ever wanted, right? Someone to keep you close, keep you warm..."
I couldn't speak through my tears
They stained her clothes, but still she held me close
She was fading away, but those words in her sweet voice remained in my head
What I've needed to hear for my whole life
"You can make it. I love you."
The Heaviest Heart
The weakest man carries the heaviest heart
Burdened with the past as he yearns for the light
As he lived on, all he ever saw was the dark
An all-consuming blackness living in the hearts of men
A tar that infected him with a hungry and wretched parasite
But still he struggled on
His heavy heart still beat
"Just a few more steps,
Just a little bit farther
Just let me get what I want"
With the death of the Serpent
Came the rise of the Neon Tower
Dungeon of demons and chains
A key to what we all try to lock away
It ruined him, mind and body
But still he struggled on
His heavy heart still beat
"Just a bit more to crawl
Just within reach now
Just let me get what I want"
Battered beyond belief
His heavy heart still beat
He thought he could make it through
But some wounds never heal
As he crawled, his entrails were left behind him
His body slowly fell apart and weakened
All the while, the parasite continued to eat away
But still he struggled on
"Just awhile longer
Just need to hold on
Just let me get what I want
Oh Lord, oh God
Please, just for once
Just let me get what I want
Just let me be loved
Just let me be happy"
And his prayer went unanswered
As ours so often do
And though his fingers grazed the peak
His body could not carry through
The boulder was pushed up the hill
But the end was never within reach
Bodies lay all around the base of the Tower
And now there's one at the top
Desperate until the very end
A poor fool who climbed and struggled until finally
His heavy heart went still
Burdened with the past as he yearns for the light
As he lived on, all he ever saw was the dark
An all-consuming blackness living in the hearts of men
A tar that infected him with a hungry and wretched parasite
But still he struggled on
His heavy heart still beat
"Just a few more steps,
Just a little bit farther
Just let me get what I want"
With the death of the Serpent
Came the rise of the Neon Tower
Dungeon of demons and chains
A key to what we all try to lock away
It ruined him, mind and body
But still he struggled on
His heavy heart still beat
"Just a bit more to crawl
Just within reach now
Just let me get what I want"
Battered beyond belief
His heavy heart still beat
He thought he could make it through
But some wounds never heal
As he crawled, his entrails were left behind him
His body slowly fell apart and weakened
All the while, the parasite continued to eat away
But still he struggled on
"Just awhile longer
Just need to hold on
Just let me get what I want
Oh Lord, oh God
Please, just for once
Just let me get what I want
Just let me be loved
Just let me be happy"
And his prayer went unanswered
As ours so often do
And though his fingers grazed the peak
His body could not carry through
The boulder was pushed up the hill
But the end was never within reach
Bodies lay all around the base of the Tower
And now there's one at the top
Desperate until the very end
A poor fool who climbed and struggled until finally
His heavy heart went still
Behold, the World
The mountains you've climbed
The crosses you've shouldered
The demons you've faced
The war you've survived
The heavy heart you've carried
Did they build you up or break you down?
Did they make you stronger?
Did they shatter your will?
Did they tell you where this road goes?
Did they tell you how this story ends?
You've been going around in circles lately
Chasing after the one thing that could save you
But all those scars you've got
They'll fade into nothingness
Just like the rest of you
Your journey's been rough
I know that better than anyone
That's why it hurts so much for me to say
It doesn't matter how much you've grown
It doesn't matter how far you've come
Clear as day, but dark as night, the fact still stands
It doesn't matter how many times you watched yourself die
It doesn't matter how many times you fell and got back up
No matter what you do or what you try
No matter how you grow or how you change
No matter how strong or how tough
It's all just a waste of breath
You will never be good enough
The crosses you've shouldered
The demons you've faced
The war you've survived
The heavy heart you've carried
Did they build you up or break you down?
Did they make you stronger?
Did they shatter your will?
Did they tell you where this road goes?
Did they tell you how this story ends?
You've been going around in circles lately
Chasing after the one thing that could save you
But all those scars you've got
They'll fade into nothingness
Just like the rest of you
Your journey's been rough
I know that better than anyone
That's why it hurts so much for me to say
It doesn't matter how much you've grown
It doesn't matter how far you've come
Clear as day, but dark as night, the fact still stands
It doesn't matter how many times you watched yourself die
It doesn't matter how many times you fell and got back up
No matter what you do or what you try
No matter how you grow or how you change
No matter how strong or how tough
It's all just a waste of breath
You will never be good enough
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