Fantasy Murderhobo (Vicious Viper)

[Error 420]

ViciousVip3R
Hail, and well met, adventurerer! Welcome to your first quest, in a world of infinite power, endless wonder, and incredible magics, your adventure begins with the visage of a single note nailed to a board outside of the local bar. This incredible scroll, this singular entity that guides you on the first step to glory, the item giving new reason to your life reads thus:

kill wzrd
make muny
i want wazrd dead
u kill pleez
will make u much muny
ver rich
have trejure
take number below
​

You realize this is what your life has been leading up to. While the others were at bard school, or filling out their spellbooks, you knew what you must do! You must become:

MURDERHOBO!​

But before we begin our first adventure, we must create your Character Sheet, which will probably take up the whole session so we'll have to play again next Sunday. Oh, wait, Tim's at a wedding Sunday. Well then I guess we could try for Saturday. (Don't tell Suzy we played without her.)

...

Okay, I've been looking for this rulebook for like an hour and I can't figure it out. Do you have that sheet from last time? Otherwise, I have some pre-gens here.

A: A Human Wizard
B: An Elven Ranger
C: A Dwarven Monk
D: A Halfling Bard
E: An Orc Fighter

 

[ViciousVip3R]

(Hmm, the writing on the note seems similar to the sleezy ads you see online these days. Oh, what the heck. How bad could it be? It's not like we could get catfished or anything...right?)

Humans and wizards are pretty cool, so let's go with that. Plus, there is nothing like wizard duels!

 

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Alright, human wizard it is. Human Wizard! You stand in front of the tavern, the bounty for this wizard posted in front of you. You rip off a number from the bottom, only to discover that is is just the number "3". You start to give up on beginning your quest and turn to find another quest, but before you do... One sec, need to find the d20.

Is that the 20? No, that's the 12.

Okay, that's good enough. You almost trip on the foot of a kobold standing directly behind you but you don't.

This kobold screams up at you in his screeching tone. "HELO WIZAARD. ARE YOU ADVENJURE? KILL WIZAARD?"

 

[ViciousVip3R]

"No, no, no. You got the wrong person! I'm Wizard, here to kill wazrd. Who are you?"

 

[Error 420]

"AH. I AM MALUICIOUS." The kobold looks over both shoulders to make sure nobody is listening. On this city street, there are several people, including one man in an overcoat reading a newspaper standing up two feet away, his conical hat labeled "Not a Wizard". He continues. "His name Tetaaritus. Bad Wizard. Turn ma to sheep. If you kill, I give much trejure."

 

[ViciousVip3R]

"Mhmm...lamb chops. I mean...cough cough"

"Ok, tell you what. If I kill Tetaaritus I want a King's feast in addition to a King's ransom"

 

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"Yu can by a whole king to feest on with trejure. i hav no fud to giv."

 

[ViciousVip3R]

"..."

"....."

"Bruh."


"Fine, let's get this over with. Tell me where I can find the treasure after I dispatch Tetaaritus and then go over there to call him over."

 

[Error 420]

"Tetaaritus is in kindum far far away over dere." The kobold motions off to a single castle about a block down, seeming out of place from the surrounding inns, shops, et cetera. "That the border. I can no go over kill wizard becuz he out of jurisdiction. Get in kas-tle and kill, and cum heer for trejure." He puts out a hand to shake.

 

[ViciousVip3R]

"What the- he was two feet away earlier. Whatever, I'll do it." I murmur as I politely shake his hand.

 

[Error 420]

The one who is wearing the "not a wizard cap" dutifly puts down their paper and begins walking towards the castle as the kobold exclaims cheerily and heads into the tavern.

 

[ViciousVip3R]

Straightening up, I proceed to brush the dust from my shoulders, drape my cloak over my right side and follow the strange man towards the castle.

 

[Error 420]

He walks dutifully to the door of the castle, knocks on it twice, and it opens, allowing him passage, and closing behind him. The castle is from what you can see a two-story oval building with a three-story tower in the back. The door is 6' and made of solid oak, with a single slot about three feet up it.

 

[ViciousVip3R]

Being ever the cautious one, I veer off towards the discarded paper once I see him enter the castle. I reason that the paper can probably give us some clues as to what to do next, other than a frontal assault.