Marielle Spears

SavingStar

SavingStar

Family Disappointment
Marielle Spears

Games the Character has been involved with 1) Kuroshitsuji: A Reaper's Tale


2)Others with no name on various places



575d171efb5c21b451c270eebb008c71.jpg


Basics

Name: Marielle Spears


Series/Fandom: Kuroshitsuji/Black Butler


Age: Unknown, but appears 18


Race/Species: Shinigami


Gender: Female


Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual


Occupation: Grim Reaper




  • Appearance

    Height: 6'1"


    Weight: 140 lbs


    Hair: Brown hair that is typically straight and down.


    Eyes: Yellow-green


    Body: Athletic, but relatively thin.


    Attire: While at her office or home, she is in a shirt and pants, as humans cannot see her. While she is on a job, she wears a loose dress that goes to her shins, as wearing pants where humans may see her is considered unladylike. She always has her spectacles on, however, as she is a pledged reaper.


    Her skin tone is a bit tanned, but not too dark.


    Her right hip does have a rather large scar on it from a reaping gone wrong





Theme Song

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it's a relatively short sheet, with nothing immediately obviously wrong. it seems like faint praise, but i do truly mean kudos. most of everything else i have to say is nitpicking and a suggestions on potential improvements, but you're free to ignore or challenge me on them, as it's been awhile since i've actually read kuroshitsuji and my knowledge here is being derived off what material i can find. furthermore, note that i'm not really sure about the canon alterations you may or may not have made for your roleplay, so ignore me if they're already explained. i'll start with potential problems, end with suggestions.

---

​



She's the first female reaper of her division, and the first to be known of all together.


the wiki would seem to contradict this point, with this quote being pulled directly from it:


Even though only male Grim Reapers have appeared so far in the series, female ones also exist.


However, she's sure there will be a tiny version of either her or her husband running around soon.


from what i understand, the wiki seems to suggest that grim reapers are not born, and do not have a human life cycle. her being grell's brother isn't a logic hole if they both lived and died at some point, but it seems as though grim reapers as already dead, and probably do not reproduce. it wouldn't make sense, considering the wiki has this to say on the subject:


Humans who committed suicide become Grim Reapers as punishment. Until the day they are forgiven, they are to work hard and continuously observe people's deaths.


and applied to join the Grim Reaper ranks. When her time at the academy for exams came, she made nearly perfect scores, although she did receive the highest marks.


compounded with what i mentioned above, the wiki would seem to suggest this isn't a voluntary service, in the normal sense. you're free not to be a reaper, but it seems that one is not forgiven of the sin of suicide until such a time that you complete your service, stated here:


Grim Reapers without their glasses are normally presumed to be "deserters." Until the day they are forgiven, they are to work hard and continuously observe people's deaths.





While at her office or home, she is in a shirt and pants, as humans cannot see her. ...helping anyone wounded.


wounded reapers, correct? and can animals see her? i'm not sure, myself, which means your partners in other universes unconcerning kuroshitsuji are unlikely to, as well.


but she doesn't look down on them because of it. Though her intentions are good, she can sometimes be condescending and sarcastic, coming off as rude.


why? to get a better idea of what she's like, it would be nice to hear some more about why she speaks the way she does despite not thinking poorly of her subordinates. is it just because she's a bit socially awkward and phrases her words a bit curtly? does she believe she needs to speak this way in order to be respected?


All around, her nature, determination, and other attributes make her a natural born leader. However, if she doesn't like you, it will be plain as day. She will make life rather hard on you, giving you overtime and being even more obsessed with every detail of your work.


why? let's start with why she would dislike someone in the first place, and then elaborate on why she feels this punishment is appropriate.


In the end, she had to let Ronald down, and went with William.


i would assume she did this because of her growing affections for william, considering they later married, but including this point for good measure would be ideal. she is, after all, choosing him over every other district - one that is, in his own words, 'perpetually understaffed', meaning they'd likely choose anyone who'd accept the position. it would be nice to know more about their history, since this is bound to have been a big choice for her. for reference, i'm including the wiki quote:


According to William, the London District, or English Branch, is "perpetually understaffed."





Being the first female reaper in her division


i mentioned earlier this is unlikely to be true, but assuming this is true in your canon, it would be handy to know why, because if there's a reason, it's likely unbeknowst to your other partners. if there was a rule against female members, you may want to mention it and why she was an exception to it. if there wasn't, you might want to explain why she made her decision to join, despite every other female apparently deciding against it until her.


It's a simple past, but it's good enough for her.


you may want to include more in it, though. the history portion of the sheet isn't to write some harrowing tale, it's to give us a clue as to why she is the way she is. what's her relationship with grell like? her parents? why did she apply to become a grim reaper? what was her relationship with william like? include anything that is relevant to the person she became, and what she was like before those changes.


rather long whip that she carries around with her almost constantly.


just a suggestion, but it'd be cool to give an idea as to why it's her preference. it just might be 'because it looks cool', but even that is a good indicator of what kind of person she is. you're free to leave it as it is without issue, though.


All she really does is reap souls, which she is obviously good at. However, in her spare time, she is rather good at taking care of animals and helping anyone wounded.


great! when did she start doing that, and why? it might be rewarding to talk about any other hobbies she has, too - i see you mentioned that she studies languages as well - is she learning to speak them, or is she studying linguistics in general? again, why?


She enjoys reaping souls, obviously.


why? it's a gruesome business, after all, seeing a person's dying moments and their life before now cut short. i think i mentioned it before, but mention why she enjoys this - why she chose this over anything else, if applicable.


She hates demons with a burning passion.


most reapers have a distaste for them - is there any particular reason she seems so vehement in her hatred?

---

​



that about it, i think. my main suggestion is just, when adding anything to your sheet, you need to ask why. if it isn't self-evident from the information you've provided already, make sure you inform the reader - the more they know about your character, the better. it's also a good excercise in concretely defining your character for yourself - once you set guidelines for what they are like and what they aren't, you'll better know what they'll do in a situation and what they'll take notice of. sorry for the wall of text - i hope it was helpful!
 
rusticyawn said:
it's a relatively short sheet, with nothing immediately obviously wrong. it seems like faint praise, but i do truly mean kudos. most of everything else i have to say is nitpicking and a suggestions on potential improvements, but you're free to ignore or challenge me on them, as it's been awhile since i've actually read kuroshitsuji and my knowledge here is being derived off what material i can find. furthermore, note that i'm not really sure about the canon alterations you may or may not have made for your roleplay, so ignore me if they're already explained. i'll start with potential problems, end with suggestions.
---

​



She's the first female reaper of her division, and the first to be known of all together.


the wiki would seem to contradict this point, with this quote being pulled directly from it:


Even though only male Grim Reapers have appeared so far in the series, female ones also exist.


However, she's sure there will be a tiny version of either her or her husband running around soon.


from what i understand, the wiki seems to suggest that grim reapers are not born, and do not have a human life cycle. her being grell's brother isn't a logic hole if they both lived and died at some point, but it seems as though grim reapers as already dead, and probably do not reproduce. it wouldn't make sense, considering the wiki has this to say on the subject:


Humans who committed suicide become Grim Reapers as punishment. Until the day they are forgiven, they are to work hard and continuously observe people's deaths.


and applied to join the Grim Reaper ranks. When her time at the academy for exams came, she made nearly perfect scores, although she did receive the highest marks.


compounded with what i mentioned above, the wiki would seem to suggest this isn't a voluntary service, in the normal sense. you're free not to be a reaper, but it seems that one is not forgiven of the sin of suicide until such a time that you complete your service, stated here:


Grim Reapers without their glasses are normally presumed to be "deserters." Until the day they are forgiven, they are to work hard and continuously observe people's deaths.





While at her office or home, she is in a shirt and pants, as humans cannot see her. ...helping anyone wounded.


wounded reapers, correct? and can animals see her? i'm not sure, myself, which means your partners in other universes unconcerning kuroshitsuji are unlikely to, as well.


but she doesn't look down on them because of it. Though her intentions are good, she can sometimes be condescending and sarcastic, coming off as rude.


why? to get a better idea of what she's like, it would be nice to hear some more about why she speaks the way she does despite not thinking poorly of her subordinates. is it just because she's a bit socially awkward and phrases her words a bit curtly? does she believe she needs to speak this way in order to be respected?


All around, her nature, determination, and other attributes make her a natural born leader. However, if she doesn't like you, it will be plain as day. She will make life rather hard on you, giving you overtime and being even more obsessed with every detail of your work.


why? let's start with why she would dislike someone in the first place, and then elaborate on why she feels this punishment is appropriate.


In the end, she had to let Ronald down, and went with William.


i would assume she did this because of her growing affections for william, considering they later married, but including this point for good measure would be ideal. she is, after all, choosing him over every other district - one that is, in his own words, 'perpetually understaffed', meaning they'd likely choose anyone who'd accept the position. it would be nice to know more about their history, since this is bound to have been a big choice for her. for reference, i'm including the wiki quote:


According to William, the London District, or English Branch, is "perpetually understaffed."





Being the first female reaper in her division


i mentioned earlier this is unlikely to be true, but assuming this is true in your canon, it would be handy to know why, because if there's a reason, it's likely unbeknowst to your other partners. if there was a rule against female members, you may want to mention it and why she was an exception to it. if there wasn't, you might want to explain why she made her decision to join, despite every other female apparently deciding against it until her.


It's a simple past, but it's good enough for her.


you may want to include more in it, though. the history portion of the sheet isn't to write some harrowing tale, it's to give us a clue as to why she is the way she is. what's her relationship with grell like? her parents? why did she apply to become a grim reaper? what was her relationship with william like? include anything that is relevant to the person she became, and what she was like before those changes.


rather long whip that she carries around with her almost constantly.


just a suggestion, but it'd be cool to give an idea as to why it's her preference. it just might be 'because it looks cool', but even that is a good indicator of what kind of person she is. you're free to leave it as it is without issue, though.


All she really does is reap souls, which she is obviously good at. However, in her spare time, she is rather good at taking care of animals and helping anyone wounded.


great! when did she start doing that, and why? it might be rewarding to talk about any other hobbies she has, too - i see you mentioned that she studies languages as well - is she learning to speak them, or is she studying linguistics in general? again, why?


She enjoys reaping souls, obviously.


why? it's a gruesome business, after all, seeing a person's dying moments and their life before now cut short. i think i mentioned it before, but mention why she enjoys this - why she chose this over anything else, if applicable.


She hates demons with a burning passion.


most reapers have a distaste for them - is there any particular reason she seems so vehement in her hatred?

---

​



that about it, i think. my main suggestion is just, when adding anything to your sheet, you need to ask why. if it isn't self-evident from the information you've provided already, make sure you inform the reader - the more they know about your character, the better. it's also a good excercise in concretely defining your character for yourself - once you set guidelines for what they are like and what they aren't, you'll better know what they'll do in a situation and what they'll take notice of. sorry for the wall of text - i hope it was helpful!
Click to expand...
Oh it was very helpful! I'm looking for all the help I can get. And thank you for the kudos! I appreciate it and your help! :)
 
[QUOTE="Brianna Ackerman]Oh it was very helpful! I'm looking for all the help I can get. And thank you for the kudos! I appreciate it and your help! :)

[/QUOTE]
no problem! i'm really glad to hear that! ー( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ


i didn't really think to mention in my post, but i think i should also mention some of what i do really like about her is her. one of the things i liked especially is her being such a strong leader - a lot of her character's leadership qualities as you describe them is more of what you'd expect out of a tough manly character, and they're really refreshing and reasonable to see in a woman. i appreciate her sort of simplicity too - she's in such a fantastical setting, but she's at her core just a hard-working working woman who's found her place in the world, while also having the smaller nuances that make her human. i really like that! like i said, as long as you elaborate a little further on why and how she got to who she is, you'll have a really special character on your hands.


(on that note, something else i neglected to mention that you may want to think about as you add your additions is what it is she's striving toward - even slice of life roleplays benefit from having characters that have things they'd like to change, whether about the world about them or something about themselves. it will do a lot for your character, and it's one of the things i first think about when making a character, simply because of how much it can drive your actions in the roleplay and define your character now and going forward. say, for example, that marielle desires to be a strong leader because her mother was one, and that she has insecurities that she might not be good enough for her position that show in her work. that would be something that seriously effects how she acts, how she might be seen, and what her motivations are in the future. if you have an idea like that in mind, put it to paper - if not, definitely consider what it could be!)
 
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rusticyawn said:
no problem! i'm really glad to hear that! ー( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ
i didn't really think to mention in my post, but i think i should also mention some of what i do really like about her is her. one of the things i liked especially is her being such a strong leader - a lot of her character's leadership qualities as you describe them is more of what you'd expect out of a tough manly character, and they're really refreshing and reasonable to see in a woman. i appreciate her sort of simplicity too - she's in such a fantastical setting, but she's at her core just a hard-working working woman who's found her place in the world, while also having the smaller nuances that make her human. i really like that! like i said, as long as you elaborate a little further on why and how she got to who she is, you'll have a really special character on your hands.


(on that note, something else i neglected to mention that you may want to think about as you add your additions is what it is she's striving toward - even slice of life roleplays benefit from having characters that have things they'd like to change, whether about the world about them or something about themselves. it will do a lot for your character, and it's one of the things i first think about when making a character, simply because of how much it can drive your actions in the roleplay and define your character now and going forward. say, for example, that marielle desires to be a strong leader because her mother was one, and that she has insecurities that she might not be good enough for her position that show in her work. that would be something that seriously effects how she acts, how she might be seen, and what her motivations are in the future. if you have an idea like that in mind, put it to paper - if not, definitely consider what it could be!)
Click to expand...
Thank you for your kind words, dear. I tried to make her as simplistic and realistic as I could, without making her boring as all get out. I based a lot of her character on my sister and myself.


As for your suggestion, I'll see what I can do. As it is, I edited the character sheet using the previous suggestions you gave me, and I can safely say I think it changed the sheet for the better. :)
 
[QUOTE="Brianna Ackerman]Thank you for your kind words, dear. I tried to make her as simplistic and realistic as I could, without making her boring as all get out. I based a lot of her character on my sister and myself.
As for your suggestion, I'll see what I can do. As it is, I edited the character sheet using the previous suggestions you gave me, and I can safely say I think it changed the sheet for the better. :)

[/QUOTE]
it's no problem! and i think so, too! the changes you made covered everything i mentioned exceptionally well! i do have small further suggestions on things your sheet might benefit from, but honestly, your sheet is good to go in my book!


i'll split hairs one last time, and then i'll leave ya in peace.

---

​



as wearing pants where humans may see her is considered unladylike.


no worries - i'm only mentioning this part because it's a rather commendable attention to detail. something to note, though, is that actually, the wiki notes that reapers bear rather anachronistic attire, so you're absolutely free to experiment with it if you'd like! i think it's rather fitting she'd choose to dress period appropriately, though. it seems to fit with what you've already established with her.


Grim Reapers possess things that belong outside of the Victorian era. For example, Ronald Knox uses a wristwatch, although at the time, pocket watches were the norm. Numerous custom Death Scythes resemble gas and electric gardening tools from the modern era.


Though her intentions are good, she can sometimes be condescending and sarcastic, coming off as rude. This can be because her answers are typically short, as she is not the most extroverted reaper around.


i'm certainly the last person to ask about phrasing, but this excerpt stood out as being a little weird to me. the way the first sentence is worded may have led to a little awkwardness in the second. it's understandable without too much trouble, so there's no need to alter it, but as a possible suggestion, with the words in parenthesis being able to be subbed out as you see fit, should you choose to use this: Though she means well, Marielle is not naturally (an) (extrovert/sociable), and is prone to giving short, curt responses that (could easily be/are usually) interpreted as condescending or sarcastic. that's just one potential way to change it, though.


due to her work-oriented and protective nature.


those two points would be interesting to hear about in her history. some people are innately both, but those are two traits that are, more often than not, adopted because of past history. i bring them up in particular because those can easily tie into why she acts as she does and what she'll do because of it - if she's (especially) protective of people because of something that happened before, like losing her family or nearly losing a friend, then it might naturally flare up especially if someone on her team got hurt. tying that trait to something is potential. same goes for being work-oriented - even if you don't add it, take some time to think about why she is this way and what might exacerbate her tendencies towards being it, if applicable. you don't have to pull every point together in the sheet, but knowing what makes her tick will help you write her.


That day, her hate for Demons grew, and she began to study emergency medicine in case it happened again.


She uses a variety of weapons should she need to, but her primary weapon of choice is a rather long whip that she carries around with her almost constantly. This is her weapon of choice because of its versatility and possible use for multiple purposes, as well as its light weight and length that allows her to do her duties without having to get too close to her assignment, or an enemy.


She has no children with William currently, and probably never will, unless a young child commits suicide and becomes a reaper, which is something she doesn't want to think about.


(Her few friends often joke that her highest 'honor' is getting the one and only William T. Spears to look at anything other than work and overtime in a good way.)


nothing special to say here - i just wanted to commend these things especially for how you handled incorporating them! i especially like the last part - it was a really cute detail to include.


your history section is particularly long and would benefit from paragraph breaks to make it easier on the eyes - here's my personal suggestion on where to put them, below a spoiler button. below this, in italics, i'll make some wording suggestions, too, but they aren't included here.

There isn't a hero's tale behind Marielle. She was raised next to her brother, Grell, in her human life. Before she died, her brother committed suicide. The two had always been incredibly close, and by each other's side through everything; the death of their parents, times of financial and emotional issues, everything. Her grief made her feel even worse than she thought she was then. She hated being alone, and she couldn't bear the thought of being without her older brother for the rest of her life. So, she decided that if he wasn't there, neither would she. When she was eighteen years old, she took one of her father's old guns, and ended her life.


After that occurrence, she was taken to the place where all shiningami start out. She chose to become a reaper, wanting to make something out of her life. She joined the smallest, "perpetually understaffed" division of reapers, as she wasn't one for crowded and overpopulated areas. The more peace she could get, the better. While she was there, she caught the eye of many male reapers, who were all attracted to the seemingly unnatural beauty and grace she held herself with.


Among these reapers were Ronald Knox and William T. Spears, her boss. She was also attracted to William. His seriousness, sense of work ethics, and determination just drive her to him. And she was glad it did. In the end, she went with William. Their relationship was bumpy at first, as they didn't always see eye to eye on things, each of their stubbornness risking their bond each time their arguments got heated. However, they always managed to calm down before they said something they regretted, and their relationship remained intact. After years of running like this, in love but not married, William asked her to marry him while she was in his office delivering paperwork. Not the most romantic way, but she didn't care. He would be hers, and she would be his. That's all that mattered to them.


A few months after their wedding, Marielle was sent out with her best friend, named Makoto, to reap a soul. Unfortunately, the human had made a contract with a demon, who would stop at nothing to defend that soul. He attempted to kill Makoto with his own death scythe, a hammer. He didn't succeed, but the demon did score quite a few hits before he left. To this day, she cannot get the image of her best friend broken and bloody out of her mind. That day, her hate for Demons grew, and she began to study emergency medicine in case it happened again.


While she was there, she caught the eye of many male reapers, who were all attracted to the seemingly unnatural beauty and grace she held herself with. ...Among these reapers were Ronald Knox and William T. Spears, her boss. She was also attracted to William.


the assumption i make here is that the sentence 'she was also attracted to william', makes sense when paired with the sentiment that there were many attracted to her, but the wording is a bit awkward when the thought is interrupted with the sentence in between. i'd suggest a small callback like in this suggestion: Among those who were interested in her were reapers Ronald Knox and William T. Spears, her future boss. They both wanted her in their division. But just as so many reapers were attracted to her, she found herself attracted to William. His seriousness, sense of work ethics, and determination all drove her toward him. And she was glad they did. In the end, in light of her budding love, she went with William. the changes i made was to add back in the fact that they were both vying for her to be on their team, and to make things flow better by tying everything together with why this information ties into the decision she made.


Her history spurred her on, and is the reason her goal today is to become someone people want to look up to and go to for help, because she knows what a lot of this feels like, and doesn't want anyone to have to feel it and not know what to do.


good! lastly, just another wording suggestion. Her history spurred her on. The reason her goal today is to become someone people want to look up to and go to for help is that she knows what a lot of this feels like, and doesn't want anyone to have to feel it and not know what to do. i made the suggestion here because it was (and is) a little hard to follow as it currently is - when making a change, you'll need to specify what 'this' in your sentence means, as it is not currently clear.

---

​
 
rusticyawn said:
it's no problem! and i think so, too! the changes you made covered everything i mentioned exceptionally well! i do have small further suggestions on things your sheet might benefit from, but honestly, your sheet is good to go in my book!
i'll split hairs one last time, and then i'll leave ya in peace.

---

​



as wearing pants where humans may see her is considered unladylike.


no worries - i'm only mentioning this part because it's a rather commendable attention to detail. something to note, though, is that actually, the wiki notes that reapers bear rather anachronistic attire, so you're absolutely free to experiment with it if you'd like! i think it's rather fitting she'd choose to dress period appropriately, though. it seems to fit with what you've already established with her.


Grim Reapers possess things that belong outside of the Victorian era. For example, Ronald Knox uses a wristwatch, although at the time, pocket watches were the norm. Numerous custom Death Scythes resemble gas and electric gardening tools from the modern era.


Though her intentions are good, she can sometimes be condescending and sarcastic, coming off as rude. This can be because her answers are typically short, as she is not the most extroverted reaper around.


i'm certainly the last person to ask about phrasing, but this excerpt stood out as being a little weird to me. the way the first sentence is worded may have led to a little awkwardness in the second. it's understandable without too much trouble, so there's no need to alter it, but as a possible suggestion, with the words in parenthesis being able to be subbed out as you see fit, should you choose to use this: Though she means well, Marielle is not naturally (an) (extrovert/sociable), and is prone to giving short, curt responses that (could easily be/are usually) interpreted as condescending or sarcastic. that's just one potential way to change it, though.


due to her work-oriented and protective nature.


those two points would be interesting to hear about in her history. some people are innately both, but those are two traits that are, more often than not, adopted because of past history. i bring them up in particular because those can easily tie into why she acts as she does and what she'll do because of it - if she's (especially) protective of people because of something that happened before, like losing her family or nearly losing a friend, then it might naturally flare up especially if someone on her team got hurt. tying that trait to something is potential. same goes for being work-oriented - even if you don't add it, take some time to think about why she is this way and what might exacerbate her tendencies towards being it, if applicable. you don't have to pull every point together in the sheet, but knowing what makes her tick will help you write her.


That day, her hate for Demons grew, and she began to study emergency medicine in case it happened again.


She uses a variety of weapons should she need to, but her primary weapon of choice is a rather long whip that she carries around with her almost constantly. This is her weapon of choice because of its versatility and possible use for multiple purposes, as well as its light weight and length that allows her to do her duties without having to get too close to her assignment, or an enemy.


She has no children with William currently, and probably never will, unless a young child commits suicide and becomes a reaper, which is something she doesn't want to think about.


(Her few friends often joke that her highest 'honor' is getting the one and only William T. Spears to look at anything other than work and overtime in a good way.)


nothing special to say here - i just wanted to commend these things especially for how you handled incorporating them! i especially like the last part - it was a really cute detail to include.


your history section is particularly long and would benefit from paragraph breaks to make it easier on the eyes - here's my personal suggestion on where to put them, below a spoiler button. below this, in italics, i'll make some wording suggestions, too, but they aren't included here.

There isn't a hero's tale behind Marielle. She was raised next to her brother, Grell, in her human life. Before she died, her brother committed suicide. The two had always been incredibly close, and by each other's side through everything; the death of their parents, times of financial and emotional issues, everything. Her grief made her feel even worse than she thought she was then. She hated being alone, and she couldn't bear the thought of being without her older brother for the rest of her life. So, she decided that if he wasn't there, neither would she. When she was eighteen years old, she took one of her father's old guns, and ended her life.


After that occurrence, she was taken to the place where all shiningami start out. She chose to become a reaper, wanting to make something out of her life. She joined the smallest, "perpetually understaffed" division of reapers, as she wasn't one for crowded and overpopulated areas. The more peace she could get, the better. While she was there, she caught the eye of many male reapers, who were all attracted to the seemingly unnatural beauty and grace she held herself with.


Among these reapers were Ronald Knox and William T. Spears, her boss. She was also attracted to William. His seriousness, sense of work ethics, and determination just drive her to him. And she was glad it did. In the end, she went with William. Their relationship was bumpy at first, as they didn't always see eye to eye on things, each of their stubbornness risking their bond each time their arguments got heated. However, they always managed to calm down before they said something they regretted, and their relationship remained intact. After years of running like this, in love but not married, William asked her to marry him while she was in his office delivering paperwork. Not the most romantic way, but she didn't care. He would be hers, and she would be his. That's all that mattered to them.


A few months after their wedding, Marielle was sent out with her best friend, named Makoto, to reap a soul. Unfortunately, the human had made a contract with a demon, who would stop at nothing to defend that soul. He attempted to kill Makoto with his own death scythe, a hammer. He didn't succeed, but the demon did score quite a few hits before he left. To this day, she cannot get the image of her best friend broken and bloody out of her mind. That day, her hate for Demons grew, and she began to study emergency medicine in case it happened again.


While she was there, she caught the eye of many male reapers, who were all attracted to the seemingly unnatural beauty and grace she held herself with. ...Among these reapers were Ronald Knox and William T. Spears, her boss. She was also attracted to William.


the assumption i make here is that the sentence 'she was also attracted to william', makes sense when paired with the sentiment that there were many attracted to her, but the wording is a bit awkward when the thought is interrupted with the sentence in between. i'd suggest a small callback like in this suggestion: Among those who were interested in her were reapers Ronald Knox and William T. Spears, her future boss. They both wanted her in their division. But just as so many reapers were attracted to her, she found herself attracted to William. His seriousness, sense of work ethics, and determination all drove her toward him. And she was glad they did. In the end, in light of her budding love, she went with William. the changes i made was to add back in the fact that they were both vying for her to be on their team, and to make things flow better by tying everything together with why this information ties into the decision she made.


Her history spurred her on, and is the reason her goal today is to become someone people want to look up to and go to for help, because she knows what a lot of this feels like, and doesn't want anyone to have to feel it and not know what to do.


good! lastly, just another wording suggestion. Her history spurred her on. The reason her goal today is to become someone people want to look up to and go to for help is that she knows what a lot of this feels like, and doesn't want anyone to have to feel it and not know what to do. i made the suggestion here because it was (and is) a little hard to follow as it currently is - when making a change, you'll need to specify what 'this' in your sentence means, as it is not currently clear.

---

​




Thank you for your further feedback. I noticed a lot of them are simple English mistakes DX I'm trying English but I'm still a bit shaky, as it isn't my primary Language
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[QUOTE="Brianna Ackerman]Thank you for your further feedback. I noticed a lot of them are simple English mistakes DX I'm trying English but I'm still a bit shaky, as it isn't my primary Language

[/QUOTE]
no problem!


and don't worry about it! i honestly never would have guessed you were not natively english, honestly, as the mistakes i pointed out were ones i could imagine anyone making. (￣▽￣)ノ
 
rusticyawn said:
no problem!
and don't worry about it! i honestly never would have guessed you were not natively english, honestly, as the mistakes i pointed out were ones i could imagine anyone making. (￣▽￣)ノ
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Really? I thought my English was really bad. My primary language is actually Russian.
 
[QUOTE="Brianna Ackerman]Really? I thought my English was really bad. My primary language is actually Russian.

[/QUOTE]
really? huh! before you told me, i had just assumed you were an english speaker who had forgotten to read through what'd you'd written. you do pretty well with more complex sentence structure, and you do well to not make it too stiff, so i'd say you're doing pretty well on a technical level. i'm not terribly qualified to make judgments on the grammatical side of things, but what i do know is that what i pointed out were the only things that really hindered reading comprehension. barring what i mentioned, you can read through it without much effort at all, which is honestly all i ask from any character sheet!
 
rusticyawn said:
really? huh! before you told me, i had just assumed you were an english speaker who had forgotten to read through what'd you'd written. you do pretty well with more complex sentence structure, and you do well to not make it too stiff, so i'd say you're doing pretty well on a technical level. i'm not terribly qualified to make judgments on the grammatical side of things, but what i do know is that what i pointed out were the only things that really hindered reading comprehension. barring what i mentioned, you can read through it without much effort at all, which is honestly all i ask from any character sheet!
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I tried to use a translator for the sheet, but it didn't go so well so I had to attempt to write it myself. I guess it turned out better than I expected •.•
 
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