Journal Lingering Thoughts

[Fate.]

If there is one thing that I struggle with currently in this world is the concept of friendship. Not that I do not understand it but rather experiencing it. Perhaps it is through the stories of movies and novels that have led me to create high expectations for the relationship. In tangent with my past fall-outs with those who I once assumed were "friends." It would be incorrect to say that I did not have any friends, but it would not be valid to say I have a best friend (that is not my sibling).

It is difficult for me to start a lasting friendship. I say lasting because it is not difficult for me to quickly assume someone as a friend to trust. But the real test in how genuine the relationship is is time. Forward it say several months or years and they are not even contacting me to check on my well being, then that friendship is over (if there was even one to begin with). I feel as though I label relationships with people as friendships too easily because the next moment they hardly contact you when you need someone by your side or simply want to experience life with someone else.

What really proves difficult is talking to people. And well...communication is an essential element of friendship. I have a horrible habit of not responding back to people...especially if I do not know them in real life. I believe that this was a product of me being the one constantly trying to message people. Those times where I would message someone and eagerly wait for their reply back...only to find no reply...

Those times were hard. I felt insignificant and confused. Why was it that when they said something I would reply quickly like the good friend should do...but when I try to instigate the conversation...there's...hardly a reply.

Conversations in real life is difficult as well. While I can sound eloquent and intelligent through written words...my grammar in speech is horrid. My thoughts run quickly through my mind to the point where my mouth lags in the proper response, which results in choppy sentences and blending of words. I sound awkward in conversations which does not help my self-esteem when it comes to public speaking or really speaking in general. It appears that I can only speak better with people I am truly comfortable with, meaning family and family friends. Otherwise talking to classmates, co-workers, or even people out on the street is a struggle.

Then comes the part where I thrive in speaking in smaller groups. Have it be more than three people in the group and I stay silent. I cannot help it. I feel as though my words are not too significant for the conversation or I simply can never find the right moment to intervene. Even though I am aware that most of the time my thoughts can be entered without much judgment. But my mouth tends to stay shut when there are three people having a conversation amongst each other. Especially when they are throwing comment after comment. Sure I may know the subject and may even have strong opinions about it but I still stay quiet. I see no need to intervene if no one wants me to. And also when I do not need to. After all...it's not like I am going to be becoming friends with the people talking for the rest of my life...so why bother?

I hate the pessimistic thoughts that run through my head whenever I start interacting with new people. Quickly I set up a plan on how to handle the individual. Should I leave them as an acquaintance or do I want to become friends with them? Will they even reciprocate the same feelings of wanting to become friends like me?​

There lies my biggest fear...

Is it simply just me seeing this relationship as a friendship?

 

[Fate.]

I nearly cried today
To feel so helpless
Not being able to be there for a great part of my heart, my family
My mother who is suffering in her own darkness
A person who I once idolized
Now surfacing to the vulnerable human being she is
Someone consumed by the darkness of the past
Hurt and scarred, never showing it
Until now

My father a man who has lived in darkness for a great part of his life
Only ever looking towards the light with us
Yet he never stepped forward to be in the light with us
The shadows draw longer behind him
The more permanent they become
Secrets and closed doors
Insecurities and locks
Not even my mother, the key to his heart, can open them

Both are suffering
Both are breaking
Both are losing control

And in the storm my brother is caught
Tangled by the many threads that my mother and father are struggling to untangle
He who remains independent and strong for the most part reached out to me

And the only thing I could do was speak
Through the communications of the phone and letters of text

It pains me to know that my brother is suffering
Even if he won't say it
Even if he doesn't realize it
Even if he doesn't want to accept it

The yelling, crying, and heaviness of the hole my parents sink into should not be pulling him in
He who has nothing to do with their hidden doors and repressed spirits should be living his own troubled life
He should not have to wonder whether he will be coming home to a calm, welcoming home or a heavy, frightening abode

My heart weighs heavily knowing the consequences that will come upon my brother from my parent's actions
And that all I can do is message him
If only I could be there to reassure him
To talk some sense into my parents
To get angry at them but then console them

I have the many problems of my family on my shoulders
Yet I do not release any of it to anyone at all
Others have more pressing issues
So I stay silent

Silent and strong

For myself

And first and foremost, for my family