Advice/Help Improving a WIP interest check

[Quincunx]

This is now being posted in Dice interest checks! A thank you to Darth Corvus. Please don't comment on this anymore.

Hello all! I'm wondering how I can improve this Interest Check before I post it in the appropriate forum. If you have any concerns about the title, layout, or content, please share them with me. (This is not a recruitment attempt.)

Spoiler: Puellae Tenebris (powered by the apocalypse)

Puellae Tenebris Somnia Nova
a dark magical girl story, powered by the apocalypse

You're a magical girl.

You're the reincarnation of one of the most powerful and beautiful women to grace this earth. When you aren't pretending to be normal, you protect your city from monsters called geists, and collecting the dream seeds they drop.

It's not a simple story of dual identities, though. The longer you work with the other magical girls, the more you realize not all of you trust one another. The competition for dream seeds threatens to get violent, and the entangling of all your past lives isn't helping either. You're not sure you can trust your fluffy mascot either - is he telling the whole truth? The void, a psychic jumble of the unknown, looms ever closer to your consciousness. You wonder whether to trust it, or the waning forces of friendship and love. Or do you retreat inward, trusting no one but yourself?

This is Puellae Tenebris Somnia Nova, a dice-based game of magical girls, magical battles, stormy and sunny relationships, and dark, dark secrets.

Other things to know:

• Puellae Tenebris is powered by the apocalypse, which means it's a hack of the game Apocalypse World. It uses Apocalypse World's dice system and fiction-focused GMing style.
• I wrote the handbook to Puellae Tenebris (it's here under its working title Sad Magical Girls), and now I'm looking for people to playtest it. It's playable, but it's not finalized. We will have fun, and I will iron out things that don't work.
• The name translates to "Girls of Darkness New Dreams". If my Latin isn't failing me.

Comment if you're interested, or if you have questions or other thoughts! Thanks!

Medium: Discord

EDITED once according to Darth Corvus's suggestions.

 

[Scottybird Corvus]

If you'll give me a moment, I'll be happy to help.
It looks pretty good, but there are a few things I would change to make it better. I'll highlight the changes I make if they aren't size-seven-typeface obvious.

 

[Quincunx]

If you'll give me a moment, I'll be happy to help.
It looks pretty good, but there are a few things I would change to make it better. I'll highlight the changes I make if they aren't size-seven-typeface obvious.

Thank you! I look forward to reading what you have to say.

 

[Scottybird Corvus]

Puellae Tenebris Somnia Nova
------------------------------
a dark Magical Girl story, powered by the apocalypse

You are a Magical Girl.
You are the reincarnation of one of the most powerful and beautiful women to grace the earth with their feet. And when you aren't pretending to be normal, you are protecting your city from monsters called Geists, and collecting the Dream Seeds they drop.

This isn't just any old story of duel identities, however.
The longer you work with the other magical girls, the more you realize not all of you trust one another. The competition for the dream seeds is starting to get nasty/violent (NOTE FROM CORVUS: you chose which word to use, since I don't know what fits better), and all the entanglement from everyone's past lives isn't helping, either. You aren't entirely certain that you can trust your fluffy mascot either... Is he really telling the whole truth?
The Void, a psychic jumble of the unknown, looms ever closer to Earth, and you are left to wonder... Do you trust The Void, the constantly waning ties of love and friendship, or do you retreat inward, trusting no one but yourself?

This is Puellae Tenebris Somnia Nova, a dice based game of magical girls, magical battles, sunny and stormy relationships, and dark, dark secrets.

Other things to know:

• Puellae Tenebris is powered by the apocalypse, which means it's a hack of the game Apocalypse World. It uses Apocalypse World's dice system and fiction-focused GMing style.
• I wrote the handbook to Puellae Tenebris (it's here, under its working title Sad Magical Girls), and now I'm looking for people to play-test it. It's playable, but it's not finalized. We will have fun, and I will iron out things that don't work.
• The name translates to "Girls of Darkness New Dreams" (if my Latin isn't failing me)

Comment if you're interested, have questions, or other thoughts! Thanks!

Medium: Discord

 

[Scottybird Corvus]

A quick key:

All items highlighted in purple are done so intentionally, and as a style choice.
All items highlighted in green are done to note a change. This can be changed to black.

 

[Quincunx]

A quick key:

All items highlighted in purple are done so intentionally, and as a style choice.
All items highlighted in green are done to note a change. This can be changed to black.

Thanks, I will be editing this shortly. The clarifications you added make a lot of sense.

 

[Scottybird Corvus]

Thanks, I will be editing this shortly. The clarifications you added make a lot of sense.