Journal I Need to get Some Things off of my Mind...

[TeaMMatE11]

"Give up." This is what depression says. "Nobody likes you because you're awkward," paranoia says. "You're not good enough for anyone," Anxiety says. Voices in my head.

It sounds crazy, that one person can have so many different problems.

I'm broken. I have no direction. I don't know where I'm going. I'm depressed, lonely, paranoid, anxious...

...And it's all led to nowhere. I'm not sure if I actively push people out because of these thoughts of mine. I stare in a mirror, with no reflection. Just an empty void, a mystery, as if I'm looking into a black mirror.

My parents say they love me but their actions says otherwise. I understand my mother has good intentions, but that does not make up for the lies, the deception, the manipulation, the control. It's as if shes too afraid to let go. In fact, I'm sure that's what it is.

But at what cost? My own sanity? My self esteem? I purposefully failed courses at San Francisco State University because I didn't want to be there. Call it what you want, but ultimately I was not motivated enough. School is not for me.

I always thought that lifelong roadmap would be simpler than this. Graduate high school, go off to college, graduate college, work a good job.

Now, I'm in my room, typing this up, as I'm walking on eggshells in my own house, each one armed with a bomb and a tripwire. Any move I make I feel like I'm making the wrong move.

Insecurity.

Now I'm out of college, working part time with no direction.

 

[Carbs.]

*gives you cookie*

 

[Neon Valkyrie]

 

[Gaotau]

I think one of my mentors words might help you. If you don't feel any purpose in life, you're always going to be miserable. Nothing will ever change that. Sure, you might be able to ignore the pain through other means (such as entertainment, etc), but you know the pain is always going to be there.

Whether you believe in a Higher Power or not (let's not get into it), you need to have a purpose. If you're agnostic/atheist, make your own purpose. Find something you're insanely passionate about and make that your goal, your ambition, and your motivation for life. After this, make everything else secondary to that passion.

For example, if someone is an animal-lover, they should make animals their passion and learn all that they can about animals. They can get a job in it as well if they want.

The same thing can go for any passion. But, honestly, without a purpose - that is, a sense of purpose - everything else in life will fail. Find something you're passionate about and make that your purpose.

One more thing. My mentor also said that if you focus on helping others (actively, such as going out and finding homeless people and helping them), you'll find purpose there and meaning.

 

[TeaMMatE11]

I think one of my mentors words might help you. If you don't feel any purpose in life, you're always going to be miserable. Nothing will ever change that. Sure, you might be able to ignore the pain through other means (such as entertainment, etc), but you know the pain is always going to be there.

Whether you believe in a Higher Power or not (let's not get into it), you need to have a purpose. If you're agnostic/atheist, make your own purpose. Find something you're insanely passionate about and make that your goal, your ambition, and your motivation for life. After this, make everything else secondary to that passion.

For example, if someone is an animal-lover, they should make animals their passion and learn all that they can about animals. They can get a job in it as well if they want.

The same thing can go for any passion. But, honestly, without a purpose - that is, a sense of purpose - everything else in life will fail. Find something you're passionate about and make that your purpose.

One more thing. My mentor also said that if you focus on helping others (actively, such as going out and finding homeless people and helping them), you'll find purpose there and meaning.

I am a Christian.... I don't know if I still am...

The problem is the only thing that I don't suck at is playing video games. If I try to become a pro, that's a really tough way to go. Twitch and YouTube are oversaturated. I'm trying to record my raps.

My big fear is that I'll be forgotten, that I wouldn't have contributed to society at all, that life will just pass by me and I just won't realize it. I've been struggling to find a love life for a while now, to no avail. And all of this comes around and smacks me in the back of the head with the voice in my head saying, "you're not good enough."

It's a cycle of, I try to do something. That idea gets shot down or doesn't pan out, go back, kick myself in the head, and repeat. I don't know what I want to be, and that's the problem in a nutshell.

 

[Gaotau]

I am a Christian.... I don't know if I still am...

The problem is the only thing that I don't suck at is playing video games. If I try to become a pro, that's a really tough way to go. Twitch and YouTube are oversaturated. I'm trying to record my raps.

My big fear is that I'll be forgotten, that I wouldn't have contributed to society at all, that life will just pass by me and I just won't realize it. I've been struggling to find a love life for a while now, to no avail. And all of this comes around and smacks me in the back of the head with the voice in my head saying, "you're not good enough."

It's a cycle of, I try to do something. That idea gets shot down or doesn't pan out, go back, kick myself in the head, and repeat. I don't know what I want to be, and that's the problem in a nutshell.

Personally, I'm Jewish. In our faith, you should have purpose, intention, and motivation. I believe that we all have a general purpose and, as individuals, we have specific objectives. It is like if you have a team, you have an overarching purpose which includes everyone, but you each have specific objectives to accomplish.

What you need to remember is what you'll be remembered by. Every deed we do has a memorial. Imagine throwing a rock in a pond. The rock causes some sort of ripple effect. There are many different "rings" which emanate from that one rock. A little rock can cause so many rings to go about it depending on the size and the force in which you throw it.

The rock represents the good deed. Every single deed you do in life, whether good or bad, has that ripple effect. The "size" of the rock is the amount of the good deeds, and the "force" of the rock is the intention and passion behind the good deeds which you do.

For example, if you smile and give a homeless man $10, he could eat a meal and survive another day. This alone could change his perspective on life and give him hope. If you continue helping a person a get them off of the streets, you've changed a man's world. If that man has a family, you've changed multiple generations for the better. That man, who was once homeless, will have the "spark" that you have, and then begin to spread that fire/light to others.

What you shouldn't worry about is being remembered. What you should worry about is leaving this world - or, at least, someone's world - a better place than when you got here. That is the general purpose of humanity.

Now, as I said, we each have a specific objective(s) to accomplish during our time here on Earth. Whatever your passion is - not just gaming, something you're insanely passionate about -, make that your objective(s) and make everything else in live revolve around it. No matter how small a good deed is, remember that it will always have a rippling effect. You're changing the world by every interaction you have with another person, whether for good or for bad.

I don't normally share quotes I see on Facebook because most are simply self-help oriented, but this one really hits home. If you would go into the past, you would be extremely cautious not to interact with anything, because you know that the smallest change will change the future. Yet, said this meme, we don't think we can change the world in the present. To me, this is very much true.

One final note, though. I won't lie to you. We will all be forgotten in a few hundred years. Even if we were to make monuments the size of mountains, there is no way to know that they will be preserved. It's sad, but it is true. What we can do, however, is leave a memorial that will last for centuries to come - by helping the people we are around today and making life better for others.

 

[Neon Valkyrie]

Video games, in my experience, are perpendicular to reality in some ways, and playing them too much can kind of make me ... y'know, lazy, fickle, quick to defeat. Games are just so straight forward. Get objective, follow objective, maybe try again a few times, eventually win, possibly curse and swear about ranking, repeat. Were but life such a straight line to glory.

So here's the hard truth in the form of a question. How many rappers and YouTubers and celebrities in general can you name? Because you can't name 7.6 billion of them. There are almost certainly more cab drivers and janitors and croupiers in the world than there are celebrities combined. Those ones you can think of? Most of them didn't go from 0 to hero overnight. Method Man worked five years at the concession stand inside the statue of liberty before Wu-Tang. Nicki Minaj was a waitress at red lobster. Eminem was a line cook in Michigan.

Here's the thing. It sounds like you're afraid of not being extraordinary ... which ... dude ... buddy ... pally-o-mally ... that's an expectation that's doomed to fail. Nothing is more repellent to greatness than running at it. History has quoted a few people about that. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try, it just means you should cultivate yourself, not greatness. Develop yourself, not your ego. Work out, don't just expect to be strong. Look at the people who tried to jump straight to greatness, to success, to anything ... do you even know who Kevin Federline is? What about William Henry Harrison? Martin Shkreli for gawd's sake! If you focus only on rising to greatness, you end up flying off the top into a brick wall.

You also need to build a base beneath yourself, so that when you jump, and fall, you don't keep falling, you have somewhere to land. A job, not necessarily your life's purpose, just something that gets the rent paid, keeps food on your plate. You need to jump with your mind ahead of you. Find something you can bear; book keeping, cooking, cleaning, landscaping, labour, clerking, hell ... be a post-person. Find something you're marginally good at, good enough to get slightly paid, get a diploma or a certificate or a trade. Go talk to a college guidance counsellor for no reason. Be. Humble. Don't stop trying for your dream, but have enough respect for it to know that if it was easy enough to accomplish in your twenties, you WOULD be able to name (I mean probably not, because of sheer number, but you get what I mean) 7.6 Billion celebrities, and there would only be one janitor for the entire planet.

And hey, these are things I have to stop and tell myself every day; Be humble. Keep working. Be realistic. Fear is the mind-killer. Success doesn't happen overnight. I cannot be defeated unless I defeat myself, and defeat will last only so long as I allow it.

... I AM the Avatar ... not really, but I figured that might get a smirk out of that after all this heavy shit. Good luck either way ... and hey, even if I brought you down ... who cares what I think, I work in a clothing store, what the hell do I know?

 

[Vannahgrace04]

I’m Christian and I’ve struggled with this too I’ve also struggled with failing to believe it really helps to just throw yourself back into church and pray even if you think your praying to no one do it anyways have hope and faith even when he doesnt show himself god is there I promise but he’s too polite that sounds stupid but he’s not going to force himself on you you have to ask him for help only then will you see your problems start to disappear and your mountains will move I hope this helps you like it did for me

 

[DrTrollinski]

I’m Christian and I’ve struggled with this too I’ve also struggled with failing to believe it really helps to just throw yourself back into church and pray even if you think your praying to no one do it anyways have hope and faith even when he doesnt show himself god is there I promise but he’s too polite that sounds stupid but he’s not going to force himself on you you have to ask him for help only then will you see your problems start to disappear and your mountains will move I hope this helps you like it did for me

And what about those people who aren't religious?

 

[memphis]

I’m Christian and I’ve struggled with this too I’ve also struggled with failing to believe it really helps to just throw yourself back into church and pray even if you think your praying to no one do it anyways have hope and faith even when he doesnt show himself god is there I promise but he’s too polite that sounds stupid but he’s not going to force himself on you you have to ask him for help only then will you see your problems start to disappear and your mountains will move I hope this helps you like it did for me

I know you mean well, and this is a nice sentiment and all, but there are a lot of people who aren't religious or don't really find comfort in religion and faith.

 

[Vannahgrace04]

I know you mean well, and this is a nice sentiment and all, but there are a lot of people who aren't religious or don't really find comfort in religion and faith.

I know that but I was responding to a previous statement made about them being Christian and not knowing if they still are and I’ve just figured out how to use the reply button

 

[Vannahgrace04]

And what about those people who aren't religious?

Friends and family get you through it too and as much as I hated my councilor they help too so if you aren’t religious maybe you can try that

 

[memphis]

I know that but I was responding to a previous statement made about them being Christian and not knowing if they still are

Alright, I got you. I totally missed out on that part, haha.

Personally, in response to OP, as someone who struggled with faith a lot when I was younger, I have to say I felt much better once I finally let go and accepted the fact that I had grown disenchanted with religion and faith as a whole. I tried for a long time to reason and ration with myself (partially because I have come from a background where I was guilted and made to feel bad for not conforming the the views of those around me), but I felt the most at peace when I accepted the fact that I wasn't certain about anything, and probably never will be, and that my personal beliefs align much more with agnosticism than theism.

 

[Vannahgrace04]

Alright, I got you. I totally missed out on that part, haha.

Personally, as someone who struggled with faith a lot when I was younger, I have to say I felt much better once I finally let go and accepted the fact that I had grown disenchanted with religion and faith as a whole. I tried for a long time to reason and ration with myself (partially because I have come from a background where I was guilted and made to feel bad for not conforming the the views of those around me), but I felt the most at peace when I accepted the fact that I wasn't certain about anything, and probably never will be, and that my personal beliefs align much more with agnosticism than theism.

I got you I nearly missed it the first time too and people believe different and there’s nothing wrong with that and if that’s what will help you then maybe you should accept that you don’t believe

 

[TeaMMatE11]

Video games, in my experience, are perpendicular to reality in some ways, and playing them too much can kind of make me ... y'know, lazy, fickle, quick to defeat. Games are just so straight forward. Get objective, follow objective, maybe try again a few times, eventually win, possibly curse and swear about ranking, repeat. Were but life such a straight line to glory.

So here's the hard truth in the form of a question. How many rappers and YouTubers and celebrities in general can you name? Because you can't name 7.6 billion of them. There are almost certainly more cab drivers and janitors and croupiers in the world than there are celebrities combined. Those ones you can think of? Most of them didn't go from 0 to hero overnight. Method Man worked five years at the concession stand inside the statue of liberty before Wu-Tang. Nicki Minaj was a waitress at red lobster. Eminem was a line cook in Michigan.

Here's the thing. It sounds like you're afraid of not being extraordinary ... which ... dude ... buddy ... pally-o-mally ... that's an expectation that's doomed to fail. Nothing is more repellent to greatness than running at it. History has quoted a few people about that. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try, it just means you should cultivate yourself, not greatness. Develop yourself, not your ego. Work out, don't just expect to be strong. Look at the people who tried to jump straight to greatness, to success, to anything ... do you even know who Kevin Federline is? What about William Henry Harrison? Martin Shkreli for gawd's sake! If you focus only on rising to greatness, you end up flying off the top into a brick wall.

You also need to build a base beneath yourself, so that when you jump, and fall, you don't keep falling, you have somewhere to land. A job, not necessarily your life's purpose, just something that gets the rent paid, keeps food on your plate. You need to jump with your mind ahead of you. Find something you can bear; book keeping, cooking, cleaning, landscaping, labour, clerking, hell ... be a post-person. Find something you're marginally good at, good enough to get slightly paid, get a diploma or a certificate or a trade. Go talk to a college guidance counsellor for no reason. Be. Humble. Don't stop trying for your dream, but have enough respect for it to know that if it was easy enough to accomplish in your twenties, you WOULD be able to name (I mean probably not, because of sheer number, but you get what I mean) 7.6 Billion celebrities, and there would only be one janitor for the entire planet.

And hey, these are things I have to stop and tell myself every day; Be humble. Keep working. Be realistic. Fear is the mind-killer. Success doesn't happen overnight. I cannot be defeated unless I defeat myself, and defeat will last only so long as I allow it.

... I AM the Avatar ... not really, but I figured that might get a smirk out of that after all this heavy shit. Good luck either way ... and hey, even if I brought you down ... who cares what I think, I work in a clothing store, what the hell do I know?

I'm honestly not expecting anything to work out at this point. I just landed a job at Starbucks. Again, music and games are my 2 biggest escapes. "do what you love," they say.

Problem? I don't know what other hobbies I love. If I want to be a game developer, I'd have to go to school, something which I am not in a rush to get to anytime soon. The problem is my parents have set such high standards (typical Asian standards) that are impossible for me to reach. They treat me like I'm my brother and that my hobbies aren't important. I am completely different from my brother, who, by the way, is going to take over my dad's private practice any day now.

Every step I make is in the "wrong" direction, and the only "right" direction is the path they're trying to force/strongarm me down. I'm trying to do the things I love and trying to enjoy the most out of what I have, but how the hell am I supposed to, as you say, "cultivate myself" when I can't even fucking heal from walking on eggshells 24/7? It's driving me insane.

I'm mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. Some days I just don't want to get up out of bed. My motivation to roleplay was killed because of my parents as gaming seemed to be more therapeutic for me. It's a toxic environment that will never clear up because my parents are just too damn prideful and stubborn to admit they are wrong. My mother literally spat in my face "I don't want to have to deal with the shame of telling my friends you dropped out of State University." Let that sink in.

I'm just being fed negativity and I have no place to store it, because I'm out of space. I come home from work depressed because I have to go home. Yep. You read that right. I'm more depressed at home than anywhere else.

 

[Angelsofblood]

Unfortunately, there is no easy street or way to get out of your situation. You have spoken/ written about the things that you do not enjoy (school), but besides video games what do you enjoy?

Video games are tricky little circles that can offer the same mental stimulation as a slot machine (depending on the game, they can offer the same chances of winning too). They can be beautiful ways to sink time but they also provide little in the way of personal fulfillment. A book, even a digital copy, offers the accomplishment of it being finished (it is not stressful trying to 100 percent a book versus grinding at a game).

Honestly, as much freedom as video games provide, I think other outlets could be healthier at this point and may even spark something that you may ultimately want to pursue.

 

[TeaMMatE11]

Unfortunately, there is no easy street or way to get out of your situation. You have spoken/ written about the things that you do not enjoy (school), but besides video games what do you enjoy?

Video games are tricky little circles that can offer the same mental stimulation as a slot machine (depending on the game, they can offer the same chances of winning too). They can be beautiful ways to sink time but they also provide little in the way of personal fulfillment. A book, even a digital copy, offers the accomplishment of it being finished (it is not stressful trying to 100 percent a book versus grinding at a game).

Honestly, as much freedom as video games provide, I think other outlets could be healthier at this point and may even spark something that you may ultimately want to pursue.

The only other thing is music. I don't really have anything else. Driving makes me feel free but that's expensive (gas costs, maintenance, etc). I'm not much of a reader.

I'm trying to figure out what I want to do. I just don't know what to do.