Other Hey Mom - A Letter of Sorts

[WolfSol]

I need to get some things off my chest as I do not want to burden the people around me who are already trying their best to support and comfort my family and I. I will continue my RP hiatus. This is merely me just trying to... I don't know... just let some of it out.

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Hey mom,

I always had this unrealistic idea that you would live forever, and I also thought that I would never cry so much. Honestly, it all still feels surreal. I'll have a moment where I think, "Oh, I should call mom and--oh.... oh... I can't," and then it all comes crashing back. It feels childish in a way. You're at peace after all, but even though we had a feeling this storm wouldn't pass well... I'd hoped it would stay for just a bit longer.

It felt like the blink of an eye and then we were deciding the day we would celebrate your life. I was told to tell you everything that was in my heart before you left, but all I could think was to try and not cry while holding your hand. To let you know that I love you, to let you know how thankful I am for everything you've done for me, for our family, and to tell you that it's okay, you don't need to wait... pass on, be at peace. All the while I can tell that your hand isn't a hand I remember, and I don't even know if your grunts mean you hear me. Even now I feel that that is all I could've said, but every time I remember it I can't hold back the tears.

I miss you terribly, and I can only imagine the pain that dad feels.

We're all so happy that you're at peace. I know you were in a lot of pain so I wouldn't wish anything differently.

But I miss you terribly. I miss our secret little handshake that we made in hopes to make everyone laugh, I miss being able to call you, I miss hearing about your school kids and lesson plans, I miss hearing your excitement about your new class and its curriculum, I miss hearing updates about the family from you, I miss your laugh when I greet you with that funny voice that you somehow always find funny, I miss you sharing the happenings of Tiktok our the latest news articles, and I miss the fact that we could not stress it enough for you to be selfish and stop worrying about inconveniencing us while you're the one in the hospital, battling a storm.

I miss you.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

 

[WolfSol]

Hey Mom,

I miss you, but that's not a surprise, is it?

This past weekend I got my last name legally changed to match with my husbands. Once again, I found myself wanting to tell you excitedly. As if I'd just discovered something grand. I know you'd be excited, you'd smile and laugh, and joke alongside dad on how I should've tacked it alongside my maiden name. I hope I can be like you when I continue on with my journey. You always found love, happiness, and laughter in the smallest of things.

And I got a sympathy card and care package from work too... that really messed with me. I never thought about condolence cards when I signed them. What they may mean to the person receiving them until it was my turn. I never want one... ever again.

Today? I'm crying here and there because while I'm updating my name I am reminded that I need to remove you from my accounts. The accounts that we shared on the start of so many side quests and adventures. "My mother passed away June 20, 2023." Is something that has started to make me feel sick. Sick because it's like I'm immortalizing you, and sick because it just solidifies the truth. Yes, we can live on as family and carry on legacies and yadda yadda, but it doesn't change how I feel. Because there is no amount of days off, condolences, or comfort and support that can ease this pain. But I'll keep trying to brush away the tears. I'll do just as you'd want which is to continue onto my next adventure, head held high; and I'll see you again. It just won't be soon.

 

[WolfSol]

Hey Mom,

The last time we talked on the phone, you'd been so excited about the wedding. Kept asking me if I was sure you could wear purple, asking what dad should wear, the cake, the decorations, the plans. You told me my choice of wedding dress (black on ivory) didn't surprise you, that it was so "me." That if I didn't do the traditional stuff, it was all right because it was my wedding. I remember this call out of every other call, not because it was our last, but because I felt that we would get through this. Because you sounded so "you." We'd all thought that.

Yesterday, I asked dad how he's doing. And... well... he said weekends are hard. It reminds me of Tuesdays. Those days are hard for me now. And it reminds me to call him but some part of me is afraid. I don't want to cry while he's on the phone. I don't want to make him cry or remind him because there's no one there to support him or fill in the silence when our call ends.

I was asked what I miss about you. I miss a lot of things. I miss going into your classroom and saying "te amo!," I miss watching CSI and Law & Order with you, I miss the moments we had together when you and dad visited and dad went to show off to my husband his RC cars, I miss our "spa" days that were just nail salons with Starbucks and libraries, I miss how you'd get excited when showing me the new jewelry you'd made or the cool art you'd drawn, how you'd get excited at something colored purple, I miss your smile, how you'd look content just watching, how you couldn't flip anyone off without looking to see which finger you needed to use, and how you'd glance around before saying a curse word. But most of all, I miss the sound of your voice and the feeling of your hug.

The last time that I wrote to you on paper. I'm pretty sure you never got to read it. I'd given it to you just before things went downhill during the ceremony. It'd been a letter that I had hoped would be supportive, but mom, while writing that letter, I was scared. Because it was my way of saying goodbye, and didn't want to say that aloud, let alone think that. Because what if I couldn't say it all? What if something I say makes you stay longer despite the pain you had been in? To this day I still don't know what more or less I could've said vocally besides reminding you over and over that I love you. The feeling of your hand and the desperate need to not cry, that all feels like yesterday. I failed miserably at the not crying part. It made it worse because we know you hated seeing us cry.

I wish what I write in these little posts were the things I could've told you. But even if I had another chance I don't think the words would come. How could they when I could tell how much pain you were in? How could I when I knew that it was all coming to an end. But if I had that chance I'd try. I tell you the moments and the things that I love about you, that I'm thankful for when it comes to you. And I'd end it the same, "I'll see you soon. I love you, very much. From your head to your toes."

I'm trying my best. You'd want that. You'd want us to be happy, move on, but one step at a time. Especially because we'll never be able to move on, not entirely. After all, you are the reason that all of us know how to love and be loved. You are the one who taught us to move mountains, to laugh, and to cry. You were our voice of reason too, and out of the family, you knew each of us the best. I just hope that we can continue to make you smile.

 

[WolfSol]

Hey Mom,

I had a lot written out here, but honestly I just wanted to tell you that I miss you. Every day since you've gone, I have missed you. I fear I'll forget your voice, your laugh, or your smile. So I'll keep the moments that I remember close to my heart. Like how you'd laugh whenever I greeted you on the phone with a silly voice, how we as a family formed a way for you to flip people off because you'd forget which finger it was, how you and I created a little handshake with the middle finger in the hospital so you didn't have to try and raise your hand, and how we cried on the couch together when I told you how much I loved my now husband.

I miss you, and I love you. From your head to your toes.

P.S. I will try my best to find my love for writing again so that I can write you more adventures.

 

[WolfSol]

Hey Mom,

Merry Christmas.

It's been half a year. I started this thread barely a month after you passed to let it all out. When will it all be out? Probably never.

Because the thing a co-worker said to me when the news was still fresh always comes to mind. "It will never get better."

He was referring to the pain of your absence. And damn did I respect him for that cold statement. He'd lost someone dear too, and he was sympathizing with me on a level that not many of the people around me (outside of internet) could relate. And he's right. Dad seems to think otherwise, but I think the statement is the reality that you will always be missed, and missing you will always hurt. It isn't meant negatively. It doesn't mean we cannot move on. It just means that I will still have moments where I want to call you. It means that my sibling will now call me due to your absence, and we will cry and laugh on the phone while we relay stories of you to one another. It means that I will struggle looking at the pictures from our wedding in that hospital, but I will cherish them. And it means that I will always think of you and be thankful.

 

[Milido.]

This is making me cry, because I can relate so much. I hope you're getting better.

 

[WolfSol]

This is making me cry, because I can relate so much. I hope you're getting better.

It's certainly gotten better. As better as it can be. I think what makes it hard is how abrupt it all was. Talking, or rather writing, has significantly helped. I am sorry to hear that you have also gone through something like this. I hope you have or are getting better too, and that you have a wonderful next few holidays.

 

[Milido.]

It's certainly gotten better. As better as it can be. I think what makes it hard is how abrupt it all was. Talking, or rather writing, has significantly helped. I am sorry to hear that you have also gone through something like this. I hope you have or are getting better too, and that you have a wonderful next few holidays.

Thank you!