Venom Adhamm
No one is ever going to want me
I'm sitting in a dark room. It's the darkest room I've ever been in. Pitch black. I don't notice when I'm blinking, because I see the same thing whether my eyes are opened or closed. And this dark room is where I've finally, truly given up on my dream.
A defining part of a human is its ability to look towards the future and start conjuring up hopes and dreams. Most people have many, ranging from small to large, from long-term goals to things they'll accomplish this week. But I've only ever had one goal, one dream, one thing I've cared about. I've only ever wanted a girlfriend, nothing more. I've only wanted someone to hold me and hug me, nothing more. I've only wanted to feel like I'm a human, too.
It's been five years. For five years, I've tried to get a girlfriend. I've been rejected by girls on both sides of the planet, all in-person. I've only ever known failure and rejection. I think, if a God exists, they had very specific instructions as to how to make me.
"You see that fetus? I want you to wire its brain to only desire female contact and love. Now, give it a bunch of qualities to make this impossible. Oh, and make sure it survives the abortion too."
How awful. Well, I know that isn't true. I don't think anyone, cosmic godlike entity or not, is out to get me. Sometimes, people just lose from the moment they're born. It isn't fair at all, and it's the most absurd thing ever. And it's just life. I was hoping I could be in control. I thought maybe, if I just worked hard enough and never stopped, I'd be rewarded. I thought I'd get to succeed at least once for all my hard work. I've done everything I could, and I'm still a failure. How awful.
It's in this dark room that I gave up. Do you know what it means to give up on the only thing you've ever wanted? I don't think most people ever experience that, and for those that do, it's always different. There was a single, coherent thought in my mind that grew louder and louder, until it was the only thought.
"I will never get a girlfriend and I will die alone."
Not once in my life have I heard something that had such an absolute and truthful quality to it. And, it was at that moment, when that thought became the loudest, that I broke. Something inside me just stopped working. I've had that exact thought before and always cried when it came to my mind. But now, with its utter truth, I couldn't cry at all. I just accepted it. With my acceptance came the feeling of nothingness.
I can't describe what nothingness feels like. It just is. The only clear quality I can attribute to it is that it isn't a positive feeling. It's a bit suffocating. It's the feeling of waking up morning, every morning, having nothing to look forward to, but not having the emotional intensity to just end it.
It's a hopeless feeling. Utter hopelessness. There really is no way out. No one is ever going to want me, and no matter what else I try to do, I'll still feel nothing.
I used to always carry a small scrap of hope with me. Hope that one day, out of the billions of girls on the planet, at least one would be able to love me. Now I don't even have that. The days are all blending and bleeding together, I've already lost track of all time.
I know, for the rest of my life, I'll always want a girlfriend. I'll always want someone to make me feel like I'm not some fucking animal. I'll always want, but I'll never be able to have hope. I'm tired.
A defining part of a human is its ability to look towards the future and start conjuring up hopes and dreams. Most people have many, ranging from small to large, from long-term goals to things they'll accomplish this week. But I've only ever had one goal, one dream, one thing I've cared about. I've only ever wanted a girlfriend, nothing more. I've only wanted someone to hold me and hug me, nothing more. I've only wanted to feel like I'm a human, too.
It's been five years. For five years, I've tried to get a girlfriend. I've been rejected by girls on both sides of the planet, all in-person. I've only ever known failure and rejection. I think, if a God exists, they had very specific instructions as to how to make me.
"You see that fetus? I want you to wire its brain to only desire female contact and love. Now, give it a bunch of qualities to make this impossible. Oh, and make sure it survives the abortion too."
How awful. Well, I know that isn't true. I don't think anyone, cosmic godlike entity or not, is out to get me. Sometimes, people just lose from the moment they're born. It isn't fair at all, and it's the most absurd thing ever. And it's just life. I was hoping I could be in control. I thought maybe, if I just worked hard enough and never stopped, I'd be rewarded. I thought I'd get to succeed at least once for all my hard work. I've done everything I could, and I'm still a failure. How awful.
It's in this dark room that I gave up. Do you know what it means to give up on the only thing you've ever wanted? I don't think most people ever experience that, and for those that do, it's always different. There was a single, coherent thought in my mind that grew louder and louder, until it was the only thought.
"I will never get a girlfriend and I will die alone."
Not once in my life have I heard something that had such an absolute and truthful quality to it. And, it was at that moment, when that thought became the loudest, that I broke. Something inside me just stopped working. I've had that exact thought before and always cried when it came to my mind. But now, with its utter truth, I couldn't cry at all. I just accepted it. With my acceptance came the feeling of nothingness.
I can't describe what nothingness feels like. It just is. The only clear quality I can attribute to it is that it isn't a positive feeling. It's a bit suffocating. It's the feeling of waking up morning, every morning, having nothing to look forward to, but not having the emotional intensity to just end it.
It's a hopeless feeling. Utter hopelessness. There really is no way out. No one is ever going to want me, and no matter what else I try to do, I'll still feel nothing.
I used to always carry a small scrap of hope with me. Hope that one day, out of the billions of girls on the planet, at least one would be able to love me. Now I don't even have that. The days are all blending and bleeding together, I've already lost track of all time.
I know, for the rest of my life, I'll always want a girlfriend. I'll always want someone to make me feel like I'm not some fucking animal. I'll always want, but I'll never be able to have hope. I'm tired.