Dunces in Dungeons

[Doctor Calgori]

You wake up in a dungeon.


Rules:


1. It isn't Jackie Chan


2. 5 USD fee will be imposed for any missing pants


3. Anything goes but I have the sharpie


4. Alliteration is spelled with an ARRRR so pirates get bonus points


5. Wordplay is encouraged because this is all just SOME KIND OF GAME CAN'T YOU SEE


6. No I'm not kidding it isn't Jackie Chan

 

[Teh Frixz]

I wake up screaming "Foul Orcs!!!" I scramble around for my hammer and try to take stock of things.


((Let me know if I'm doing it wrong!))

 

[Doctor Calgori]

The screams echo off of the carved sides of the dungeon, creating an eerie effect and knocking over several cans of Orkish Dew. The nearest orcs are not pleased.


"Now whassis this aboot." The nearest one demands grumpily, looking up from his computer screen. "That's me last can yer' knockin' over with yer' screams." Bad Accent Orcs, while normally rather peaceful creatures, are prone to violent rants about personal finance when their drink supply is interrupted, and you've seen enough bad adventures to know the danger. Trusty Hammer, however, is nowhere to be found - your meeting with him isn't for another three minutes, you're early!

 

[Teh Frixz]

I grab the nails I had spilled and fix them to my belt. With all this nonsense going on with the bad accent Orks and their habit of burning out the circuits in the walls.


"It's all over the floor! Keep yer damn drinks away from the edges!" I hoist up my Maintenece Dwarf Overalls and give him a glare.

 

[Captain Hesperus]

/enter Trusty Hammer


I stumble into the oubliette, dutifully wearing my pants. I curse loudly, "Dagnabbit, I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those blasted Dominos and their dumb cheese!"


I stun the Bad Accent Orc with a carefully thrown bag of Cheetos, then cast about for loot. If I find none, I loot the Maintenance Dwarf and store it in my Lesser Sack of Dwarf Holding.

 

[Doctor Calgori]

Trusty Hammer whirls his fishing rod like a madman, but alas, they only have pepperoni left. Ah, well, it doesn't matter: the Cheeto strike has worked well, as a cheesy layer now coats the Orcs. "Eeeeeewww!" They moan, wiping off the cheesy crust on whatever they can find. Their reluctance to leave greasy cheese stains on their keyboard has bought you some time; your efforts to loot, meanwhile, begin with the odd observation that both your client and your object of looting have suddenly vanished, rapidly sailing off into the sky.


Meanwhile, Spilltech Supreme has hoisted herself up several stories of the dungeon, head now threatening to firmly lodge itself in the ceiling, and firm disregard for workplace etiquette now completely out the window - you watch it fly off as you hoist, feeling oddly okay with that. On the bright side, however, your Nails of Awkward Attachment are safe, having strangely lodged themselves in your pants, as they are prone to do.

 

[Teh Frixz]

The over exaggerated personal gravitational pull device must have been on the fritz again. Bad accent orc and Trusty were left below as Maintenece dwarf impacts with the ceiling.


"Umph" air escapes from the third liver (known also as lungs) "TRUSTY!!!" I curse the man before prying out a nail and holding it outright, letting it Carry me to the wall and awkwardly attach myself. I pry out another and begin embarrassingly climbing down the side.

 

[Captain Hesperus]

As I am busy looting the flagstones on the floor (They'll look great in the bathroom!), I hear Maintenance Dwarf shouting my name. I look up and see her crawling across the wall.


"How confusing,", I say, "Are you crawling on the wall or am I standing on it?"


Just to make sure, I fall headfirst onto the wall, landing in a heap in front of the Dwarf.

 

[Doctor Calgori]

The wall collapses unceremoniously, sending flagstones tumbling all over the floor. Maintenance Dwarf and Trusty hammer spill out into the studio, knocking over a few light fixtures, and nearly smashing one of the cameras. The director isn't pleased. "No, no!" He rants, flailing a greasy slice of pizza through the air, "Crash with feeling, with HONOR! We'll take it from the top!"


The crew sets to work rebuilding the wall while the Orcs take off their heads and have a smoke. You avoid disdainful glances from the director whilst brushing bits of drywall from your pants.

 

[Captain Hesperus]

"I'm sorry, but I'm really feeling this role isn't pushing my boundaries as a classic actor. I mean, what is my motivation beyond being a Trusty Hammer? What drives me? What wakes me impassioned from a restless night's sleep and urges me on every day?", I respond, shooing off a brace of make-up artists trying to touch up my face paint.


I mince over to the refreshment table and help myself to a lemongrass and herb crouton as my personal assistant hands me a sheaf of personal photographs to sign.