Character Critique Thread

Quick update, added stats, history and definitions of her personality traits.


Captain Hesperus
 
Tweaked Personality and started a whole other character file to distinguish the real Lars Magnusson from the carefully crafted persona that is in the commonwealth files.


I hope this settles concerns about OP and forbidden powers and starts a whole NEW set of concerns. ;)
 
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I think this addresses most of the concerns about Manami, except possibly rank.  Stats do fit, but what I want to make clear out of character is that she is meant to be D rank not to see how far that definition can be stretched, but because the point of the lab she escaped was to take the more numerous (and expendable) D ranks and see if they could torture them into something they could use. She would definitely be a D5, to use the new definition, but out of water, she is an ordinary, if athletic young woman with stingers on her wrists and a scaly face. If she flies into a rage, she can push her strength from 3 to 4. If she rages in the water she can push from 4 to 6.  
 
Manic Muse said:
[SIZE=14pt]Dear Gus, [/SIZE]


[SIZE=14pt]I feel she is greatly over powered for her rank. [/SIZE]


[SIZE=14pt]The history, over all, I just am not feeling it. Japan in general is being over done so it's not your fault on that part. I just get a real extra attention kinda vibe from it. It seems way too outlandish for me. This is one facility of hundreds across the US. It just seems odd that she would end up here with such an over the top past. [/SIZE]


[SIZE=14pt]The whole, she has all these extreme powers because of a chip, down to the fact they render her unconscious a few minutes after use, feels really cliché. [/SIZE]
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 Hoping I have addressed the power concerns with latest revision. I am really not going for power here, because the vast majority of the time, my vision of her is of an outsider trying hard to be an ordinary kid. I can see how that wasn't clear with first draft though. She got very little feedback on old site though, so I am glad for your insight. The power variation was meant to be a curse for her to work around, and I hope I made that clearer now.  I have also remixed her stats, having forgotten that my original idea for her was for intelligence and will to drop to zero in the water, and later found that zero stats are not allowed, but neglected to fix that when translating to the new CS.


With her new stats, they are both fixed at 1 and she is just relatively high functioning when not in attack mode, and more animalistic when she loses control. Her strength of six represents her absolute max potential; normally she would clock in at about a 3, which actually keeps her default stats within E rank range.  I hope it also makes clearer that the chip is not the source of her power, but rather one of the factors that helps her keep it in check.


As for the Japan thing, theoretically she could be from anywhere, sure. The reason I chose Japan is entirely for OOC reasons: I lived there for three years after college, and for any other culture I would be reluctant to RP a foreign culture character for fear of reducing to stereotype, you know? I nibbled around the edges of foreign with Lucas, and did shit tons of research to try and make him as authentically bi-cultural as I could. So I want to keep her background more or less as is just to bring my life experiences to the table, and also to brush up on my language skills which are getting pretty rusty.


Finally, as for landing in baltimore after six year flight, what can I say? Almost every story has to start with some kind of gimme, you know? If pandora is just like "Ok, I guess I will leave that Jar alone then…" the story kinda founders in rough seas. :-/


Speaking of foundering in rough seas, if accepted that is how I plan for her to get stuck at 108.  The boat will become disabled in the chesapeake and she and her folks will show up on the doorstep, pleading for asylum.


Are you really going to turn them away kitty-cat? ;-)
 
@Elenion Aura


I'mma get right down into the core of Morgan's profile, as the problem that I see is one her story is deeply steeped in, and say we're not looking to accept any power that directly interact with spirits/realms of the dead/ghosty-goos. Astral Projection is totes cool, but I'm gonna have to say no on everything else. Sorry. D;


Mayhaps if she created ghost-like manifestations from psychic capabilities, that could potentially pass on through.
 
Suzuki Mine said:
@Elenion Aura


I'mma get right down into the core of Morgan's profile, as the problem that I see is one her story is deeply steeped in, and say we're not looking to accept any power that directly interact with spirits/realms of the dead/ghosty-goos. Astral Projection is totes cool, but I'm gonna have to say no on everything else. Sorry. D;


Mayhaps if she created ghost-like manifestations from psychic capabilities, that could potentially pass on through.
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Okay! Back to the drawing board!
 
Please ignore the lack of history for the moment, I am working on it. 


And yes, that Rommel.
 
If anybody's still up~


I made pretty big adjustments to history, abilities, and rank. Take a look and tell me what you think!
 
So if nobody has any further comments or feedback for Vape, I'd like @welian to cue her up for when the next round of new characters comes about, since I can't afford her right now. 


Captain Hesperus 
 
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Manic Muse said:
Dearest Fruity bag of wonderfulness,


Back when I wanted to make my first character, I wanted to do a firebug with empathic tendencies. It was pointed out to me that this was a dangerous road to go down because being able to read into other's state of being or thoughts can easily slip into the realms of controlling other people's characters. Given that, I went another path.


 I see this as a great character idea but have some reservations about the fact that she reads into people's words. That ultimately will be something for you and the GMs to discuss.


Should you chose to forge on with this power, I would suggest tweaking of the weaknesses. I personally suffer from Dyslexia. I would not consider that a super power level weakness.


Gaining a slight headache from trying to listen to more than three people at a time, pretty normal and not surprising that she would be unable to use her super skill in that situation.


I just feel she needs greater or more fine tuned Limitations.
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Well, I'm not gonna be like "Ah, by that you obviously mean you want to give me all your money!" If a situation comes up where she's interpreting, I'll talk to the other player over Skype or something. Or I could make a guess as to their intentions, as a reader. I could even be told I'm wrong sometimes. :o

As I have said in the past, I don't feel making everyone have three weaknesses makes sense, but whatever. I'm not gonna fight the system cause the system is real charming-like (@welian ;P). That said, she's a friggin D-rank. If someone has powers so boring that they 'barely trigger the A6G23 sensors', and still has to be weak in the face of a green crystal, the color yellow, and saying their own name backwards, they are no longer a superhuman. They just have a really weird disability. I made her dyslexic because that seemed like a fitting limitation for someone who's entire thing is communication. No offense. :)

welian said:
Anneliese @Bag o Fruit


Do you have any idea how refreshing it is to see an older woman in this RP? Like, fucking finally. I did the math. The average age of the male characters in 27.7. For the ladies, it’s 17.9. We need more male students and more female teachers, tbh.


Now, onto actual comments.


You’ll have to pick on role for her and stick to it. Since the eight classes listed are the only eight classes at 108 (therefore “negotiations teacher” is not possible), I suggest a guidance counselor. It would complement the disciplinary counselor’s role quite nicely.


You’ll need to adjust her personality traits. Remember, it’s one positive one, two neutral ones, and one negative one. Honesty Is not a negative trait.


I would not call her second supporting power “intuition”. What you’ve described is very obviously body language and so you make it clearer that her power constitutes both listening to verbal and non-verbal language.


Nor would I call “flexibility” a limitation of her powers. She’s a highly empathic woman, but that does not necessarily relate to her powers. Remember – the limitations refers to limitations of the superpowers, not of the person in general.


Final note: She can listen, but can she repeat? Listening, reading, writing, and speaking are four separate language skills. Just because she is fantastic at parsing and understanding verbal and body language, does not mean that she is able to write or speak the language fluently. Finding and defining these boundaries will determine whether or not she is truly an omniglot.
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Yay middle aged women! :D


LET'S GET DOWN TO BIIIIZ-NIS!

Yes, I put multiples so it could be decided later. I'd like to discuss the agent part with you later, in private.



Um, yes it is. Honesty. Maybe you should read the description of it. Or listen to some stories about my family. :P

Oooookay what else would you call listening to non-verbal communication?

Her power is understanding what it is someone is really saying, thinking, meaning. I quote Wiggin: "In the moment when I truly understand my enemy, understand him well enough to defeat him, then in that very moment I also love him. I think it’s impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves." Sorry if I don't write as well.

I certainly meant for it to at least imply that she can repeat what she hears, but it might have gotten lost inside everything else. Yes, she can accurately repeat language and body language. (But her writing is obviously more difficult.)
 
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As I both threatened and promised, the long awaited replacement community service teacher, Quinton (insert six other names here) Thompson VI. 




No need to be gentle, I can handle it. 
 
Finished with Ophelia! Hopefully it doesn't seem too rushed. I had a limited time and only a phone to work with. I subject myself to criticisms of the GMs and my peers. I'm all ears!
 
And they're both done...  somewhat (still tweaking the latter's history and such). Looking forward to hearing everyone's thoughts and suggestions :)
 
don't worry about being gentle, i like it rough








anyyyywaaayys, i'm forgetful and forgot about the 1-positive 2-neutral 1-negative personality section rule, but i hope what i have so far fits well enough, ehehheh. i think. 2 of them would count as neutral. miraculously i wrote it in that order too. 


also, the history section (all of the cs actually) is filled out but very unpolished, lots of repetitive sentence structure and bland stating but i hope it's acceptable for just the cs ( @ _ @ it's 2 am after a grueling 'vacation' (amputating my feet/legs would have felt nicer) and i'm feeling tired and rather uncreative. i deleted the same word so many times. multiple times- for different words. hahahaaaa


i'm planning on doodling him, but if i end up hating it or something i do have a placeholder image available, don't remember if images are that important. 


I also haven't really looked at any of the other cs' yet, i know his specific power isn't the same as anyone else's but if there's anything else in his cs that's similar to anyone else's sorry haha, i can work something out
 
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